Chapter 10 #3
He nodded. “Exactly. Once people know what exists, they get a clearer picture of just how much they’re being used. Realistically, there will always be more people than those who try to lord power over them.”
“Do you think they care, though? And I don’t mean the people like Cerner. I mean those out there doing their yoga and drinking their lattes.”
Together, Dez and I could survive on our own outside the walls, but I didn’t know if that was a logical choice anymore. Was a rebellion worth it if it would destroy everyone’s sense of safety?
Not everyone had a Dez.
Almost no one did.
“Let’s show them,” he said. “If they can live with your suffering, along with the others in Sanitation, because it gives them a modicum of comfort, then they’re complicit.”
“And then, we do what?”
“Until you’re better, let’s focus on one thing at a time.”
The conversation mellowed into a companionable silence.
I tried to picture myself in a rundown shack in the middle of the woods, during winter, trying to get warm while huddled with Dez around a makeshift fire.
For dinner, we’d shared some woodland creature that we snared in a trap, unsure when our next meal would come and from where.
And, unexpectedly, I felt as comfortable as I did right there in his arms.
“How’ve you managed to keep me here so long?” I asked. “Surely, by now, someone knows I’m missing and should be looking for me.”
“Ana told me not to let you come back,” he said. “So, I know she’s probably not telling anyone you’re not there. And, honestly, I think they know exactly where you are, but let them try to take you from me.”
His body went rigid as he stared off into the distance, repeatedly clenching and relaxing the muscles in his jaw.
“Our relationship’s changing,” I pointed out.
He looked down into my eyes, and I swore I saw a bit of a challenge. “I don’t think it’s changing. It’s just becoming more…honest.”
“I have feelings for you.”
“And I have feelings for you, Tapley.”
“How is that not a change?”
“Because I’ve had them for a while, and I think you’ve had yours for a while, too.”
Mine were the kind where my heart leaped and frolicked at the mention of us getting married, despite how impossible I knew the notion would be. Then, he’d asked out of strategic necessity, which wasn’t exactly romantic as far as proposals went. Still, he would be mine, and that was all I wanted.
“They won’t let us get married, Dez.”
“They go through a lot to keep the Class Ones from blowing their lids,” he said. “They might make an exception for us once they realize I’ll kill to keep you.”
“And if they don’t?”
“Haven’t considered it.”
“So, whore’s a strong word,” I prefaced. “I get that. What if you say that you want me as a mistress, then? It could be fun. We can use our meetups to strategize. That’s what I was doing with LaSalle.”
His entire demeanor shifted. “What kind of fun were you having with LaSalle? You were lying about why you two were meeting up, right? About the favors?”
“Oh, one hundred percent. He was helping me pass along messages and organize small groups. That’s it.”
“So you and him never…”
“No.”
He studied me as if searching for the truth.
We both knew LaSalle was the furthest thing from “my type.” In all fairness, Dez hadn’t exactly been my type either, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still painfully attractive.
Then, if I stripped away his exterior, his personality fit mine to a T.
Had we never met the way we did, I would have likely passed him by because I wasn’t looking in his direction in the first place.
“Are you still going to be meeting up with LaSalle?”
I snorted. “Let’s be real, Dez. The moment you caught us, that was dead in the water.”
“Yep.”
“But, backtracking a bit...” I raised my chin, ready to thwart any objections he might have to my following statement.
“I suggest that you argue to keep me as a mistress, not to have me as your wife. Say that you used to work for me, and now that you have the chance, you want me in a position where you have the power.”
He groaned, stretched the muscles in his neck, and rotated his shoulder.
“Offer to put me up in one of the other buildings.” I glanced at the map.
“Juniper, maybe. That’s where the doc lives, you said.
That way, you can visit me anytime, night or day.
If I’m on duty and your…needs have to be met, you have the authority to pull me away from whatever I’m doing.
Theoretically, that means we can meet whenever we want. ”
One of his fingers had whittled out a slit in the covers to expose a peek of my upper arm. That finger was currently absentmindedly stroking a path along my skin.
“You’re not considering something,” he said.
“And what’s that?”
“My needs.” He added a second finger to the slit. “How often is too often for our arrangement to be believable? If I need you four or five times a day, is that suspicious?”
“Hypothetically speaking, how many times a day do you think you would need me?”
He didn’t answer.
Not with words.
I gnawed on my bottom lip. “Well, um, we could start with a few times a day. If someone says something, we’ll adjust.”
“What if it stops being hypothetical? I mean, we just discussed that feelings exist between us. One accidental kiss, and the whole thing could explode. Are you prepared for that possibility?”
The expression on his face held nothing back; messing around with him would mean that eating and sleeping would be luxuries.
It would mean that seeing the light of day on a regular basis would be more questionable than guaranteed.
If this turned into an actual physical relationship, I would have to make all my runs throughout the camp with a limp while sporting a veil of sexual exhaustion—and that was if we managed to leave each other’s bodies long enough to coordinate a rebellion.
“We’ll cross that bridge if we get to it,” I said.
He ran his tongue along his teeth.
“But continuing on this track,” I went on, “you can also negotiate some terms. You worry about my health, so you can request that I have access to healthcare to keep myself,” I crooked my fingers, “clean. I’ll keep my job in Sanitation, but I won’t live there.”
He shook his head. “No, either Distribution or Operations. They give you the most access. Babe, you’re not going back to Sanitation.
I won’t budge on that. Then, as mine, you’ll be untouchable, for the most part.
That way, you’ll be able to get into more locations.
I’m sure this system will be a rehash of something from the past.”
He was right.
Familiarity was often preferred over innovation. Hell, they’d mimicked a social caste-like system at Totten, so it was guaranteed the same would happen with this new “fraternization” order.
“Mistress means you’re still single,” I noted. “If someone comes along that you’re interested in—”
“Tapley, let’s not go there,” he snapped. “So, if LaSalle decides he wants you, you’ll give him what he wants? What if ‘mistress’ and ‘whore’ means you’re expected to be,” his jaw ticked, “shared? Is that what you want?”
“LaSalle’s interested in Leigh.”
He lightly pinched my arm.
However, it wasn’t pain that I felt.
“You know it’s not,” I said. “But wife might come with fewer privileges here, and that’s if it’s even a possibility between us.”
“Still, don’t ask me questions you already know the answer to.
” He sighed and lengthened his strokes along my skin, each pass both gentle yet firm.
“Look, Tapley, I get it. I don’t like being vulnerable either, and when it comes to the two of us, I’m protecting much more than my heart.
But I didn’t take care of you out of oath or duty.
I lied about that. I took care of you because you’re the only person who could come along. ”
I stared at him.
At first, he stared right back, but then he pulled me closer and pressed his nose against my scarf-covered head.
“Why do you keep sniffing my hair?” I asked, needing to change the subject to ward off the same vulnerability he’d mentioned only moments ago.
“Because it smells nice.” He took a deep inhale. “Like blueberries.”
“Did you wash it too?”
“Mm-hmm.”
I pulled away. “Seriously? You washed my hair? What did you do with it after you washed it?”
“Conditioned it.”
I poked his stomach.
“I asked a friend for help,” he clarified. “She braided it. It’s cute. You have the face for every hairstyle, I think. You’d be sexy even with a Beavis and Butthead type of situation going on.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere.”
He laughed and tucked me back against him. “Larke, I did whatever I had to do to take care of you. Plus, I was so happy I found you, there were a few people I had to tell. Tell me you wouldn’t do the same for me.”
I couldn’t, so I didn’t.
Sleep called, and I smiled when he pressed his lips against my forehead. Because I wasn’t looking at him, I assumed the deep voice rumbling against my eardrum belonged to Real Dez. However, based on what he said next, I knew I’d definitely crossed over into dreamland.
“Larke, I love you.”
A pause followed.
“Larke? Fuck. Of course, she’s asleep. Damn it. Come on, Dez.”