Chapter 30 #2
There was a breeze that reminded me how chilly it was, so I turned a bit to stop catching it full in the face. From that vantage point, I was able to see more of the Sangre de Cristo range, standing tall and proud, still covered in snow. I sat at the top of the dune and looked around.
And then I thought.
Who was I? What did I want out of life? And when the hell would I grow the fuck up?
What I’d done was, perhaps, childish. Trying to give myself to Braden wholeheartedly had never worked, but I’d lied to myself for so long. And why was that?
It was ugly inside myself, but I had to try.
And I realized so many things. In terms of love, I’d felt insecure.
I wasn’t sure where it all stemmed from, but I could make a lot of guesses.
First, there was my own shitty father, a man I could barely remember and didn’t care for.
I hadn’t had much of a role model there.
In fact, the only functional relationship I could point to was that of my grandparents.
Then there was Ava’s influence, all her grandiose ideas of love. How many times had she insisted we get married right out of high school? During our eighth-grade year, she’d said multiple times that we’d have to score the most eligible bachelors before some other pretty girl did.
Yes…I’d kind of looked at my value as being attached to a man—something I’d rebelled against as I’d come into my own. After leaving high school, I’d seen how women were treated by men, and part of me wanted nothing to do with them.
And yet I yearned for Zack. When exactly had I fallen in love with him? Although I could pinpoint specific moments where my feelings had amped up, it wasn’t one specific point in time. It was, instead, something that had happened by degrees as I’d gotten to know him more and more.
But had I loved Zack—or had I been enamored of the idea of him?
This required a figurative retracing of all my steps.
We’d had so much in common, had loved so many of the same things—and something inside him had always spoken to me. As I thought back over our history, I knew I had loved him. Perhaps it was an immature kind of love, but I’d cared for him to the depths of my soul.
His constant rejection had chipped away at what little confidence I’d had, making me feel desperate to be wanted and adored—and Braden had stepped into that void, allowing me to feel validated for possibly the first time ever, making me feel appreciated and loved for who I was rather than who I thought I should be.
And who I’d thought I should have been was all centered around Zack and his acceptance.
Sighing, I looked down at the base of sand stretching toward the parking lot from where I’d come, noticing how low on the horizon the sun had fallen. I imagined I still had another hour or so before sunset and I was certain it would be much cooler then.
Taking a sip from my water bottle, I fought back tears as I tried to reconcile the past with present and present with future. Something I’d known ever since Zack had made a disastrous attempt at a relationship was that we wouldn’t work. He’d tried, but he clearly didn’t love me.
Although something niggled at my brain.
Because…maybe he did.
The evidence was what he’d said last night and this morning. Last night, he’d confessed that he had loved me. But there was more.
Although he’d rattled me out of my stupor, he’d said more than once that he didn’t want to stop the wedding. He’d said he wanted me to be happy.
He’d just wanted me to be honest with myself.
For the first goddamned time.
I’d chosen Braden because he was safe. Zack had a tight hold on my heart, but that was only because of my perception. We could forge a new friendship—that I knew—but it would be different now.
Better.
I didn’t know if Braden and I could ever be friends again, but I’d do my best to make it all up to him.
I realized at that moment that I was still wearing the gorgeous engagement ring he’d given to me—and I’d start there.
I’d give it back along with the diamond tennis bracelet so he could do whatever he wanted with them.
Twisting the band around my left ring finger, I eased it past my knuckle and straightened my legs so I could tuck it in my pocket.
My butt felt a little cold—but my body was beginning to feel warm as I continued waking the hell up.
So that was it. I had a hell of a job in front of me—I needed to repair all my friendships…
with Braden and Zack and probably even Cy.
I knew I also needed to sit down and talk with Braden—if he’d let me—and explain myself.
I realized he might not ever want to talk to me again, and I would have to be okay with it.
And then, of course, there was the possibility that I’d be kicked out of the band. If I did, what would I do? It wasn’t that long ago that I’d threatened to leave—and, if she were still willing, I could ask Roxy to help me network with other bands who needed a drummer.
Letting out a long sigh, I nodded my head to no one in particular and smiled as I saw my footprints leading to the top of the dune in the otherwise pristine sand.
Then, as I scanned the view in front of me, I looked toward the parking area, so far away that the people near the trees looked like ants—and there were fewer now than before as people were deciding to call it a day.
It wasn’t until one of those ants dressed in black got near the dune where I sat that I realized I was no longer alone.