Chapter 31
When I spied Zack, I waved, hoping he’d recognize me. Now that I had gotten closer to getting my head on straight, I wanted to talk it out with a friend. And maybe, just like he’d insisted earlier, I could be one-hundred percent completely honest.
I had to start somewhere.
Roxy would have also been an excellent choice. She could give me a female perspective…and I planned to talk with her later. I also knew I needed to face the music with my mother and grandparents.
But, for now, I had to come back to reality.
Even from the top of the dune, I could partly make out Zack’s expression as he nodded and began trudging up the sandy hill. A few steps up, and he peeled off his leather jacket, dropping it behind him.
Well…maybe he’d worked up a bit of a sweat getting here, but why just leave his jacket there?
Every couple of steps, though, he repeated the gesture. Next, he peeled off the short-sleeved Stone Temple Pilots t-shirt, followed by the plain black long-sleeved tee underneath.
It was too cold and breezy to go shirtless.
I noticed a red heart tattooed right between his pecs, one he hadn’t had when we’d been on tour, so it had to be new. I didn’t know the significance—especially since it wasn’t the upside-down heart that was part of our logo.
Continuing to climb slowly, he took several more steps before unlacing a boot and leaving it, walking with just one—but then he walked farther and removed the other. Two more steps and off came a sock.
What the hell was he up to? The sand was cold.
There went the other sock and then he began unbuttoning his jeans, now just a couple of yards away from me. “What are you doing?” I was beginning to think he’d completely lost his mind.
His voice was soft when he spoke as he got closer. “Something I should have done a long time ago.”
“Get pneumonia?”
At that, he smiled. Rather than sitting next to me, he knelt in front of me on the slope. “Baring myself.” I swallowed, unsure where this was going. “Something I should have done a long time ago.”
Blinking, I opened my mouth, trying to force out the words, but none would come.
“This morning…I told you I wasn’t going to lie anymore and I asked you in so many words to be honest. There’s so much I’ve never told you, so much you need to know. And…I’m not asking you to take me back. But I do want you to know what you’ve meant to me.”
My breath hitched in my chest and I felt like I couldn’t draw in any more air. Still, I managed to force the words out. “I didn’t leave Braden because of you.”
“I know. But, all these years, I feel like I know you—and you say you love Braden, but I didn’t see it in your eyes, not like I saw it in his. And if you’d married, he would have been ecstatic—and you might have been happy. I don’t know, but you never once acted like he was your forever man. And…”
“And if he wasn’t, the marriage was doomed to a slow, painful death,” I said, feeling a chill in my bones, probably because seeing Zack half-naked was making me cold.
For his part, he seemed unfazed. “After all the shit I put you through, Dani, I just want you to be happy. And I sure as hell want Braden to be happy. I know you want that too—and you might have been able to make it work, but…it’s like my mom.
She always says she likes working in corrections, but I know it’s a lie.
She likes the money she makes, but she drinks too much and, when she has to go back to work after a couple of days off, the night before you can see the dread on her face.
It’s made her numb and miserable. I always hoped I could take her away from that.
And maybe I will, but that’s not the point.
The point is if you try to convince yourself that a lie is true, you’re cursing yourself. ”
“Well, I didn’t.”
Zack nodded. “I’m telling you this from personal experience.”
“What do you mean?” I searched his emerald green eyes, wondering what the hell he could be talking about. Hadn’t he achieved everything he’d ever wanted? Money from sharing his art with the world, fame, whatever he wanted—and we already knew Riot’s next album would sell even better.
If the band lasted for that moment.
But, even if it didn’t, Zack had it—he’d come out of it with the ability to start over. The world loved him, warts and all, and they would take him and his words and music however they could have him.
Shifting his focus to the strip of sand between us, he let out a long, slow breath. “I hinted at this last night…but I have lied to you for most of our lives together, Dani.”
A chill darted down my spine. “What do you mean?”
Looking back up at me, he swallowed, causing his Adam’s apple to move—and the pain in his eyes was palpable, making my heart feel as if it were being squeezed in a vice.
“I fell in love with you during that first chess game. You seemed to understand me from the start. When I told Braden, he told me you were way out of our league.”
“What?”
He shook his head slightly. “I know. But I was a dumb kid and I bought it. Besides, Braden seemed to be right. Ava was proof. I mean, she seemed like she should have been going to a prep school in an exclusive neighborhood in Denver. Maybe it was all an act, but she had us convinced she was better than the rest of us.”
I scoffed. “Then why the hell did you date her?”
“What better way to take a snotty bitch down a peg or two? Have her cross the tracks and soil herself. That’s how.” He cocked an eyebrow, a remnant of Rock Star Zack having a moment.
“But…you said she broke up with you.”
“Yeah, she sure did, because I was an asshole. I didn’t love her, Dani, and I never would. You had my heart.”
“That’s bullshit, Zack. You said you were going to be honest but you’re rewriting history here.” Frowning, I considered getting up and walking away.
“It’s not bullshit.”
“Then why the hell did you take my virginity and then push me away after? Same with my very first kiss? And even when we were together? You just shit all over everything.”
“Don’t you get it? The first time we kissed, I was drunk. When we made love, I was drunk—and I didn’t know you were a virgin. When we were together, I was an alcoholic. My head wasn’t on straight—and you didn’t deserve that.”
“Yeah, but couldn’t you have just said you cared?”
“No…because I’ve always known I’m the wrong man for you. And telling you would have made you stay with me. Braden…now he would treat you right.”
As much as I wanted to get angry, I couldn’t. Instead, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me like a ripple on the surface of a lake. I just shook my head, again out of words.
“You know it’s true. You and me…we’re like—like oil and water. And that’s so fucked up, because on paper, we’re compatible. We love all the same shit. Even our families are similar. But when we finally decided to try, it didn’t work.”
“Maybe…maybe that’s because you weren’t yourself. You were always drunk and numb—or drunk and belligerent.”
“Drunk, for sure. But that’s me too, Dani. All of me…I’m the fucking drunk asshole, even deep down inside. And I can never take back all the mean shit I said to you or the unforgiveable shit I put you through. Even like back then, you deserve better.”
I shook my head, having a hard time absorbing it all. “You’re saying you’ve always loved me?”
“Yeah…but I was too immature to know how to handle it. And I started drinking when I was twelve years old—so even when I wasn’t too immature, I was too fucking smashed to know how to cope with any of it.
And…” he licked his lips, looking down again.
He was quiet for so long, I doubted he was going to continue.
Until he did.
Meeting my eyes once more, I felt like the energy coming off his body was going to knock me over.
“What I felt for you—what I still feel for you—is overwhelming and…intense. What I felt for you back then scared the shit out of me, because I knew, even as a kid, that I would have done anything for you. I would have killed a hundred men, robbed all the banks in the world, cut my own wrists, given my life—anything. And that feeling? Those out-of-control emotions that took over my heart and soul? Those scared me more than anything else. Never in my life had I felt anything like that.”
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
“Was I…the reason why you drank?”
“No. I was, uh, in the words of my therapist, predisposed. I don’t think I had a chance. I had to learn the hard way that alcohol needs to be a hard pass or it’ll kill me. I’ve proven that.”
My voice was so soft, I was surprised he could hear it. “Why tell me now?”
“Because…the last few months have been a wake-up call for me. Coming out of my stupor, I knew I’d blown it with you for good.
And I was okay with that—in theory. I mean, I could find someone to share my life with.
There were plenty of willing girls. Gabi, Ellie…
but I was lying to them, just like I was lying to myself. ”
“Like me.”
“Yeah. And I had reconciled with you and Braden marrying. I swear I had. When I came to you last night…it was as a friend, not as someone wanting to fuck up your chance at happiness. But you were the only one I could talk to. It’s always been you or Braden, you know?
And I fucked up my friendship with you years ago, so I wouldn’t have sought you out last night…
except I couldn’t talk to Braden because he was celebrating and doing the one thing I couldn’t do anymore. ”
Drinking. Oh…
“You were the only one I could think of. If my mom had been there last night, I might have tried talking to her, but…for the first time in a long time, I felt truly alone. Scared. Overwhelmed. And then, it just kind of happened.”
How many times had Zack and I communicated better through sex than words?
“But then you were a dick this morning before the wedding.”
“Yeah, I was. I…left you before you woke up, feeling like maybe I’d fucked everything up, like I’d made you cheat on Braden.
And I had. That hadn’t been my intent, but…
” As he blew out a breath, he shook his head.
“So I took another walk beside the lake again this morning, trying to clear my head. I knew after last night without a doubt that you didn’t love Braden.
I mean, maybe you did in some way, but I knew how you looked when you loved with all your heart, and you weren’t giving that to him.
And maybe it wasn’t any of my goddamned business, but I wanted to try to wake you up—kind of like you tried to do with me when you wanted me to go to rehab. ”
I let out a long sigh as fresh tears started to fall.
I’d thought I was all done, but here they came.
Mostly, I felt a heavy regret coursing through my veins for having lived this first part of my life in probably the worst way possible.
Zack scooted toward me, still on his knees, and pulled me close.
Despite the chilly wind, the warmth of his body radiated through me as I let each tear drop, every single one representing some incident or thought that had caused regret held deep inside.
Answering my unspoken question, he said quietly, “I guess I just needed you to know.”
My tears turned to sobs and he held me as I let it all out for the last time.