Chapter 32
After the wedding that didn’t happen, I spent two weeks doing almost nothing.
Well, that wasn’t completely true. I knew I needed to do more soul-searching, so, after having a long talk with my mother, I spent the next two weeks with my grandparents.
It was far enough away from Nopal and Dalton that I was able to detach and really process all my thoughts and feelings.
And I discovered what I’d actually known all along.
Braden was a good guy—the best guy a woman could ever want.
But he was not the man for me.
I loved Zachary Ryan with all my heart and soul.
But we could never be.
I could have written a song with lyrics like those—and they rang in my mind much like a tune. Settling on those facts helped me realize what I needed to do.
At least now I had the satisfaction of knowing that Zack had loved me all these years. But it did little to salve my wounds.
Still, I knew there was someone else with deeper cuts than I had, and I was going to do my best to make amends.
I had no idea what I would say to Braden, only knowing that I needed to say it.
It turned out that Roxy had been on hand to comfort my ex-fiancé, with the added bonus of losing Dean in the process.
Back at home the first week of May, I kept picking up my phone before setting it down again, not knowing exactly what I should do—especially because going back to that day in my head made me nauseous.
Imagine how Braden felt.
Trying to put myself in his shoes gave me the courage to do what needed to be done. I considered calling but didn’t want to force myself on him, so I simply sent a text message: Can we talk sometime?
But there was no response.
I kept checking my phone obsessively, but there was no answer. Deep down, I felt like the fate of the band depended upon this meeting—but that wasn’t entirely true. My fate in the band might hinge on what happened today, but I couldn’t think about it that way.
No matter what, Braden deserved the truth. And, thanks to my conversation with Zack, I’d had to face all the lies I’d been telling not just Braden but myself. Hell, to everyone around me.
I decided to go for a walk to try to get my mind off it, and I wound up half an hour later at the park, after meandering around several blocks, covering the entire length of the town and back again twice before sitting on a swing.
The last time I’d been in this park on this exact same swing had to have been at least ten years or more.
I remembered hanging out with Ava one summer, and we’d gone to the park lots of times when we’d gotten bored playing at her house.
Back then, I couldn’t have predicted anything about the way my life had gone.
All I’d known was that I hadn’t wanted to stay here… and yet here I was.
It all centered around Zack. Had I never met him, none of my life as an adult would have happened. I wouldn’t be a drummer and I sure as hell wouldn’t have broken the heart of the sweetest man I’d ever known, nor would I be hung up on the most damaged man I’d ever known.
But would missing any of that assured my happiness?
I doubted it.
My stomach growled, churning an ocean of acid, and I decided to walk to the other side of town again to the library.
Although I’d tried reading earlier to distract myself, maybe all I needed was a book I couldn’t put down—and I knew the librarian, a woman I’d known my whole life, would be able to give me some good recommendations.
Getting up off the swing, I pulled the phone out of my pocket and checked for notifications out of habit.
And there it was…a response from Braden.
It was simple and direct: Okay.
But it was something.
An hour later, my stomach still in knots, I was parking my car at the apartment building where Braden was now living. I’d only ever been here once to drop off boxes of gifts from the bridal shower, and I wondered with a fleeting thought if I should return them.
Of course, Braden had chosen one of Dalton’s newest apartment buildings, one near the Arkansas River, his favorite place in town—so it made sense that he’d want to be able to see the river from the balcony whenever he wanted.
As I approached the building, I touched the doorknob on the outside, hesitating. Letting out another breath, I told myself I had to be strong—for Braden’s sake. He deserved nothing less.
Finally, on the second floor facing his door, I knocked softly. Too softly. Swallowing, I raised my fist again and rapped on the door loud enough that he should have been able to hear, regardless of where he was inside.
Soon, I heard steps approaching and then, moments later, the doorknob turned and I was looking Braden in the eyes for the first time since the night before the wedding.
Oh, God, his eyes. It wasn’t that they looked sad, although that was part of it—but it was that he had put up a huge barrier between us. I could see it in his whole face.
Not that I blamed him.
Pulling the door open, he waved me in and I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans to hide the way they were shaking. He asked, “Can I get you anything to drink?” Polite as always.
“No, thanks.”
“Do you want to sit?”
“Yeah.” And so I sat on the couch while he took a chair next to it. He’d picked out such nice furniture with the idea that we would be living together here, beginning our lives…and now he was all alone here.
That was why I was here—to own up to my mistakes.
“I, um…I wanted to apologize. What I did to you was shitty and I know it hurt you. I never wanted to…but I realized I couldn’t go through with the marriage.
I never should have accepted your proposal knowing I didn’t love you the way you loved me.
I lied to myself but, more than that, I lied to you.
You didn’t deserve what I’ve put you through.
I can’t take back what I’ve done, but I want you to know I’m sorry.
I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I needed to say it. ”
Braden nodded and then looked down at his knees.
A huge wave of guilt washed over me again, and I knew I didn’t deserve his forgiveness.
I’d betrayed not only Braden, the man I’d loved as a future husband, but also Braden, the friend and bandmate.
I knew I at least owed him this much, but there would be no way I could make it up to him.
I could spend my lifetime trying and still not be able to.
Finally, he spoke, his voice gentle as I’d often heard it after lovemaking.
“I…know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you did.
” He looked up from his knees to my eyes and, much as I wanted to, I didn’t look away.
I needed to take it all in, because this had been my doing.
“And if you really don’t feel that way about me, getting married would have been another lie. But I need time.”
Time for what?
But I wasn’t going to grill him about anything. I had no right to demand a thing from this man. So I just nodded, pursing my lips, letting him know I respected his wishes.
“I should probably go.”
When he stood, I knew it was the best move I could make. He followed me to the door and, as I opened it to step out into the hallway, he asked one small question. “Are you staying in the band?”
I told him the honest truth. “I don’t know.”
In mid-September, I was driving to Zack’s house, because he’d sent a group message to Braden, Cy, and me calling a band meeting.
Although I’d decided I wanted to stay in the band, the choice wasn’t up to me.
If Braden wanted me gone, I would step away.
Because I’d already hurt him once, I didn’t want to cause him any more pain, and I knew seeing me regularly could do that.
Roxy and I had been talking once a week, and she knew I might ask her at some point for job leads.
But this—a meeting—had been the moment I’d been waiting for.
We’d gotten royalty checks in July, the most money we’d ever made, and I knew it would be stupid for Riot to stop making music. The question was if they’d be doing it without me.
Before saying yes to the meeting, I sent Braden a text message first, wanting to make sure he would be okay with me being in the band. And, although his response felt cool—not that I blamed him—he said I should stay.
At two that afternoon, I pulled up to Zack’s house, noting that Braden’s car was already there. So was Cy’s, but I didn’t know if he was still living with Zack or not. I’d been completely out of touch with them all and felt like I was in the dark.
But I also thought the last few months had been necessary.
I’d found a therapist in Dalton and started having monthly meetings with her, grateful to have someone to sort out all my emotions with.
And I’d also started journaling again, more than ever before.
I’d also decided to find other creative outlets—in addition to drumming several days a week to keep my skills sharp, I started learning new techniques.
I was also writing lyrics, and I bought a set of golf clubs and took lessons at the golf course in Dalton.
And, to pay my mother back for everything she’d done for me throughout her life, I started regularly cooking our meals—and getting to know her boyfriend much better, because he spent a lot of time at our house to enjoy dinners with us…
and to let me know just how serious they’d become.
Now, after getting out of the car, I headed to Zack’s front door, but when I heard voices coming from the doorway of the studio, I walked to the side of the house. The door was open, and I tried to gauge the mood before showing my face, but their voices were too low to figure it out.
So I walked in.
Immediately, they stopped talking, turning all eyes on me. I tried forcing a smile but it probably looked fake as hell. “Hey.”