Chapter Nine
AIDEN
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
I sat at my desk at the ranger station and stared out the window as I tried to make sense of what the hell had happened to me earlier that morning.
I overreacted about the French toast, obviously.
But I was also filled with the urge to track down the man Emma had been married to and hurt him. Badly.
Her words replayed over and over in my head. I knew instinctively that she never would have said them voluntarily; that they were a result of my carelessness and the heat of the moment.
“I spent ten years of my life with a man who liked to scream at me, and I promised myself I would never, ever do it again—no matter who the man was.”
Rose had told me that Emma was divorced, but that was all. It was none of my business to ask any more questions.
When I saw her literally jump back in fear when I barked at her, saw the alarm in her eyes and heard her voice shake, I wanted to punch myself.
Then when tears pooled in those big blue eyes of hers…
I’d never hated myself more than I had in that moment.
I’d hurt her, and that made me feel something far worse than regret and guilt.
I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly what that feeling was.
My phone buzzed on my desk. “Aiden, Emma Middleton is here to see you.”
Rolling my neck to release some of the tension, I walked over and hit the button. “Thanks, Janie, will you show her in?”
“Sure thing.”
I continued to look out over the Rocky Mountains, taking in their beauty as I tried to figure out a way to tell Emma I was sorry for my behavior and beg her not to leave.
Hadley would never forgive me if Emma left.
It had only been a few days, but I already knew my daughter cared deeply for the woman.
She was a breath of fresh air that Hadley desperately needed, and all I’d done so far was treat her like the enemy, when I knew damn well she was anything but.
The door opened, and I heard Emma walk in. When I turned, she stood there with her shoulders squared off, ready for whatever it was she thought was coming.
“Hadley make it to school on time?”
Her brows drew in for a quick moment before she answered. “Yes, we had plenty of time still.”
“Good.” I motioned for her to sit down, but she stayed glued to her spot by the door. It was like she was keeping close to her escape route. My chest clenched at the idea that she might be afraid of me after this morning.
“No, thank you, I’d rather stand.”
With a sigh, I came around my desk and leaned against it. “Emma, I want to apologize again for this morning. That’s not the type of man I am. I don’t yell at women, or…” I let my words fade.
She looked away, and I knew some of those same words were probably uttered to her before by a man who didn’t mean them at all, a man who had promised to love her no matter the good or bad. So why I expected her to believe anything I had to say was beyond me.
“What I mean to say is, I was upset. I saw the French toast, and how happy Hadley was, and my biggest fear surfaced.”
“Your biggest fear?” she asked as she fidgeted with the hem of her sweater.
“Hadley forgetting about her mother. I’ve tried my best to talk about Lisa often because I know at some point, Hadley might forget her.”
Emma slowly shook her head. “She won’t forget her, Aiden. Not if you keep her memory alive.”
My head dropped and I stared at the floor. “I don’t really know what I’m doing, Emma. I think I’m a good dad, but some days it feels like I’m losing my mind, and I don’t know if the decisions I’m making are the right ones.”
“You seem to be doing a good job, if you ask me.”
Lifting my gaze to hers, I attempted to smile. “You’ve only known me a few days, how can you say that?”
“I see it in your daughter. She’s such an amazing little girl, and she loves you so very much. You’re all she talks about when she’s with me. She worries about you as well.”
“Worries about me?” I asked.
“She told me sometimes at night she knows you sit on her bed, watching her sleep. She asked me if you were sad because you missed her mommy.”
I stared at Emma. Words wouldn’t form in my brain.
Letting out a long breath, she made a pleading gesture before letting her hands fall to her sides.
“I don’t know how you’re feeling, Aiden, because I’ve never lost a love like yours, or had to hold my life together because I had a child who needed me to do so.
” She looked away and bit into her lower lip, like she was attempting to keep something back, a memory of her own that she wasn’t ready or willing to share.
“I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for you, and if me being in your home is making you uncomfortable, we should rethink this. ”
“No,” I said, pushing off the desk. “No, I don’t want to rethink this. I need time, Emma, that’s all. I swear to you, I won’t let what happened this morning happen again.”
She grimaced. “I overreacted as well, and you didn’t really yell. You raised your voice, and that’s your right if you were concerned about your daughter.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t overreact. I should never have raised my voice to you.”
She swallowed hard and looked down at the floor. I started to speak, but she cut me off.
“I’m not some fragile woman who’s going to get her feelings hurt if you tell me I’m doing something wrong.
I need you to know that. I had a moment, just like you had a moment.
I think we were both caught off guard by feelings we’re both trying to figure out.
I really don’t want to leave, but if you feel like it would be the best thing for Hadley, I definitely will. ”
Making my way closer, I stopped in front of her.
“No, I don’t want you to leave, and I know Hadley would be upset if you did.
She’s adjusted to this so much faster and easier than I have, and I think that’s also thrown me.
But having you here the last few days has already made a difference. It truly has.”
The corners of her mouth rose slightly. “I’m glad I’ve been able to lighten your load some, but I have a feeling you don’t like me, or maybe don’t like having me here.”
I wanted to tell her that wasn’t all she’d done, and she was dead wrong about me not liking her. She’d sparked something back to life in both me and Hadley. For the first time in months, I felt something inside, and while I wasn’t sure exactly what that was, it made me happy, and not sad, for once.
She cleared her throat and continued, “Clearly you loved your wife very much.”
My hand rubbed the back of my neck and sighed. “I did love Lisa, but we’d been having some problems with our marriage.”
Emma looked down and kicked at something on the floor.
“Aiden, before you go on, I need you to know I am not the type of person who searches for gossip. But yesterday, when I had coffee with Tammy, she sort of told me a little bit about you and Lisa. She wasn’t gossiping either,” she rushed to add.
“It’s just that she walked up on Nancy being rather rude to me in front of Hadley.
Tammy wanted to give me the backstory on why Nancy was acting the way she was. ”
Narrowing my eyes, I asked, “What did Nancy say to you?”
She shrugged. “Something along the lines of me trying to use Hadley to get to you.”
I sighed and jerked a hand through my hair. “Crap. I’m sorry, I should have warned you about her last Saturday, when you met her. I honestly didn’t think she’d try to sink her claws into you that quickly.”
Emma chuckled nervously. “Well, you don’t have to worry about me, I can take care of myself. Now that I know the reason behind her attitude, I can handle myself better next time. If there is a next time.”
This woman was unbelievable. She seemed so strong on the outside, yet I’d glimpsed her vulnerability this morning. I longed to learn more about her, and at the same time, my head screamed for me to keep my distance.
“Did Tammy tell you Lisa and I had split up? That she’d moved out of the house not long before she found out she had cancer?”
She looked surprised. “No. She mentioned you had trouble in the marriage, but that you were working on it.”
Turning around, I walked back over to the window.
“Lisa and I got married at a very young age. We loved each other, but I’m not sure, had she not gotten pregnant, if we would’ve actually stayed together.
We had some great times, and the first couple of years after Hadley was born, we felt like a family.
But both of us refused to admit something was missing.
Then Lisa decided she wanted a different life.
She wanted to move away from Estes Park, and I didn’t.
I love my job. I love this town. I love these mountains. ”
“And she didn’t?” Emma asked, finally taking a seat on one of the chairs at my desk. I was glad to see she was no longer ready to flee.
“She did, but she wanted to move to a bigger city. Once upon a time, she wanted to travel and see the world. After she lost our first baby, she fell into this depression. I had no idea how to pull her out of it, so we started to try for another baby pretty much right away. I can’t say that was a mistake, because I have Hadley.
But it probably wasn’t what Lisa needed.
Like I said, things were great for a few years after Hadley was born, but when she was about three, Lisa asked me to move. ”
The room grew quiet for a moment as I got lost in the memory.
Finally, I shook my head. “I’m sure you can guess what my answer was. I had no intention of leaving, and that caused even more friction between us. We did try marriage counseling for a bit.”
“It didn’t help?” Emma asked.
“I don’t know. For me, all it did was make Lisa more determined to start a new life somewhere else.
I started to resent her and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t happy here with the life we’d built.
I know that was unfair, especially considering I don’t think either one of us was truly in love with the other.
A part of me wonders if she knew then that she was sick, and she simply wanted to follow a lost dream.
Sometimes I wish I would have encouraged her. ”
Looking into Emma’s eyes, I let out a breath.
“The guilt I have for not giving her the things she wanted is what drives me to get lost in a bottle of whiskey some nights. The day she found out she had cancer, I was on a search and rescue. She’d told me about the appointment.
We were living apart at the time, but I knew she was going to her doctor and was nervous about it.
I was up in those mountains looking for some tourists who thought they could easily find their way back to the trail if they went off of it to explore.
I wasn’t there for Lisa on one of the hardest days of her life. And now I have these…”
I stopped talking, and after a moment, Emma tilted her head and asked, “You have what?”
Swallowing hard, I shook my head. “Nothing. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not perfect. Far from it. I need time to let this all settle in, and I’m so sorry for this morning. I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me, I swear, but I am very, very sorry for upsetting you.”
When she offered a small smile, I had to look away. Why does her smile make my damn chest squeeze?
“I understand the emotion behind this morning. But I have to be honest with you, Aiden.”
“Of course.”
“I won’t let anyone yell, or…”
Her words trailed off—and a strong part of me knew she’d been about to add “hit me.”
“I don’t want a reason to leave.”
“And I promise I won’t give you one.”
A resolved look played across her face. “Let’s forget this morning and move on,” she stated.
“That sounds good.”
Emma stood. “Before I leave, there was something I needed to talk to you about. Tammy had mentioned me volunteering at the school. I didn’t want to do anything without speaking to you. I’m just the nanny, so it might seem strange to others if I were helping at the school.”
“Um…well…I think it is something that Hadley would like…you know, if you helped out with parties and such at the school. In fact, she’d love that. With my job, I could get pulled away and miss something, so it would be nice to know you can be there for her.”
The corner of her lip twitched with a hidden smile.
With a grin, I asked, “Do you want to volunteer at the school, Emma?”
“Yes.”
The word was out of her mouth before I think even she realized it.
“I mean, it would give me something else to do during the day. I was thinking of also asking your parents if they might need any help. Volunteering my time, of course.”
Laughing, I rolled my eyes. “You might want to really think about that. My mother will put you on every community and church committee known to man if she thinks she can.”
“Well, she did already invite me to her ladies church group.”
I groaned. “I forgot to warn you about that.”
Emma grinned and looked around before focusing back on me. “It’s fine. She was just wanting me to feel welcome. So…umm, we’re good, Aiden?”
I followed her lead. “Yeah, we’re good.”
“No more worrying about me trying to be a mom, and no more of me freaking out on you.”
With my voice soft, I replied, “You didn’t freak out, Emma.”
Every part of me wanted to ask her about her ex, but I stopped myself. I made a note to go and talk to Rose. She might have a bit more information.
When I reached a hand out to Emma, she took it, and I tried like hell to ignore the zap of energy that raced from her body to mine. Clearly, she didn’t feel it, because she didn’t falter one bit.
“I’ll see you later tonight,” I said.
“See you later, Aiden.”
She turned and headed out of my office. Before shutting the door all the way, our eyes met once more, and we both smiled before Emma pulled the door shut and it made a soft click.
And it was only then that I could finally breathe.