Chapter Sixteen
AIDEN
THIS CAN’T HAPPEN
My head pounded and the pain swimming around in my chest was hard to ignore.
Guilt. Confusion. Need. Desire. All of it swarmed together.
“Thanks for tonight,” Emma said when we were in front of the car, glancing at me with those beautiful blue eyes of hers.
I swallowed hard. Fighting the desire to lean down and kiss her, I took a step back and rubbed my neck. “No, this can’t happen.”
She looked at me with a confused expression. “What do you mean?”
Taking another step back, I replied, “Nothing is going to ever happen between us. I can’t…it just…it would only be sex.”
Her eyes widened in surprise, which quickly turned to hurt. I wanted to take back the words the moment they came out, but it was too late. The damage was done.
Emma lifted her chin and squared her shoulders before she forced a tight smile. “I never expected anything from you, Aiden. Of course, I hoped we could be friends. But if you thought for even a moment that I would sleep with you just to have some cheap sex…”
Her voice trailed off, and she looked away for a second. Almost as if she was trying to find the strength to say more. She drew in a breath, but before she went on, I spoke.
“That’s not what I meant. It came out wrong—”
A hand came up and stopped me. “It was a mistake to go out with you this evening. It won’t happen again.”
Her mouth twisted into the fakest smile I’d ever seen, but at least she gave it the effort. “Good night, Aiden. Thanks again for a lovely evening.”
Turning, Emma walked up the outside steps that led to her apartment. I watched as she slipped farther into the dark, every part of me wanted to call out for her. Ask her to wait, to let me explain my outburst.
The sound of a door shutting gently was more painful than if she’d slammed it, and I felt my body flinch.
What type of a man was I that I would willingly let her go? She was unlike any woman I’d ever known. She’d walked away with a smile on her face, gracious even after I’d insulXted her. Hurt her.
Emma was a master at hiding her feelings. If she had an ex-husband who’d made it a habit of yelling and insulting her, she’d have grown used to masking her emotions.
I closed my eyes and dropped my head back. “And you just made her do the same thing, you damn idiot.”
After standing there for five long minutes, I turned and walked back to my truck. A whole new set of feelings hit me, all of them bad. I was a fool. A jerk. A complete and utter asshole.
Starting my vehicle, I pulled out of the driveaway and headed back into town.
* * *
I stared at the glass in front of me. I’d lost track of how many drinks I’d had. Despite Nancy’s inference, it had been months since I’d last gotten drunk, and even though I knew it was a mistake to do so now, I didn't care.
A slap on my back had me looking up to see my best friend standing there.
“Dalton! Dude, what are you doing here?” I slurred.
“I called him.”
I turned to Lynn, the bartender, and frowned. “Why?”
“Because you can’t drive like this. Plus, when you walked in here, you handed me your truck keys and told me to call Dalton when you’d had too much to drink. So…I did what you asked.”
An ache started in my chest when I thought of why I’d found my way to the bar in the first place. The alcohol didn’t drown out anything.
“Thanks, Lynn.”
Dalton sat on a stool, nodding at Lynn. “Give me one before we head out.”
She tapped the bar and said, “It’s on the house.”
We sat in silence while Dalton drank nearly all of his beer, then he finally spoke. “I heard you and Emma did some dancing tonight.”
“Well, hell…news travels fast, don’t it?” I said with a chuckle.
He shrugged. “You know how it is. It may not seem like it, but Estes Park is still small.”
Nodding, I replied, “Yeah. Nothing happened. Nothing ever will.”
“Why’s that?”
I laughed. “Come on, Dalt. You know why! She’s my daughter’s nanny. And I can’t let anyone in…” My voice trailed off.
“Listen, if you don't feel that way toward Emma, then fine. But don’t lead her on, because she isn’t some hook-up that you’re gonna be able to walk away from in the morning.”
I turned and shot him a glare. “You don’t think I know that?”
“Do you? Then finish what you were going to say. You can’t let anyone in again?”
“I can’t do that to Lisa again, okay! I can’t cheat on her.”
Dalton jerked back like he’d been slapped. “Cheat on her? What are you even talking about? And what do you mean again?”
Lifting my hands, I shoved my fingers through my hair and groaned. “I’m not talking about it here.”
“Fine. Then let’s go.”
“Is Hadley asleep? I don’t want her to see me like this.”
“I’m taking you home.”
“Home?”
“Yeah, Aiden. Home.”
We were no sooner in his truck and driving down the road when he started assaulting me with questions. Who was it with? When did it happen? Did Lisa know?
“Stop!” I shouted, the blurry scenery out the passenger window making me ill. “My head is pounding and you’re making it worse.”
“You just dropped a damn bomb on me back there. Dude, I never would have taken you for a cheat.”
“She wasn’t alive. It was right after she died, and I was so lost. I got drunk and woke up with Nancy in my bed.”
Dalton immediately pulled over and put his truck in park, then dropped his head against the seat.
“I don't remember anything that happened,” I said, barely above a whisper.
“Then are you sure it happened at all?” he asked. “Everyone knows how much she was trying to get with you, even when Lisa was still alive.”
“Yeah, I'm sure. I found a condom on the floor and it had been—”
He put up his hand. “I get it.”
“I felt so damn guilty. I woke her up, told her to get out, then I went and told Roger. He was angry, but he said he knew his wife had been up to something. Never thought I’d give in, but I told him I’d been blind drunk and didn’t even remember anything.”
“Is that why you were so distant all those months?”
I nodded. “She wasn’t even dead a week, and I slept with someone else.”
“You talk to the pastor about it?”
“Yeah. He told me I did nothing wrong. I mean, Lisa and I had been separated, about to be divorced. She’d basically moved on with someone else. She only moved back home because she got cancer. Then I went off and slept with her best friend.”
“What does all of this have to do with Emma?”
“Tonight, when we were dancing…I wanted her more than I’ve ever wanted another woman. Including Lisa.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Aiden. So you’ve developed feelings for her. Why is that so bad?”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t understand. You don’t get it, Dalton. I feel something for her that I have never felt before. Not even with Lisa. The thought of letting her into my heart, and then her leaving?” I shook my head. “I don't think I would survive.”
“If Emma left? Dude, why are you even thinking like that?”
“Because it’s more than just me! I have to think about Hadley. If anything went wrong, she’d leave, and Hadley would lose another person she loves.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled. “Everyone thought I was so distraught about Lisa dying, and I was. I was upset that Hadley had lost her mother. I was scared to parent on my own, worried what life would be like for my daughter. When Lisa told me she just wanted to die, that she didn’t want to do the treatments anymore, I was so mad at her.
Furious at her for wanting to leave Hadley again, after she’d already left us once and moved out.
For not loving her enough to stay and fight for her daughter. For her own life!”
He nodded. “I never knew she wanted to stop treatments. That had to be so hard for you, Aiden. And no one would ever blame you for being scared. I couldn’t imagine doing all this without Tammy. Not in a million years.”
I sighed. “Emma is so different. I can’t put it into words, but she’s…resilient. And she makes me feel happy every damn day. The kind of happy I never felt with Lisa.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Yes and no. It feels really good to be happy again. To let some of that grief go. It’s been good for Hadley too. But when I look at Emma, when I think of all the things I want to do with her, the guilt just grows. I’m too afraid.”
“Of letting her in?”
Turning to face him, I replied, “Of loving her more than I loved Lisa…then hurting her because I’m not sure I can let her in. I don’t want to risk making things bad between us, enough that she leaves Hadley. It would destroy her. She loves Emma.”
Dalton sighed. “I’ve told you before, you need to let the guilt go, Aiden.
So you slept with Nancy. Big deal. You weren’t carrying on an affair with her, and you didn’t sleep with her while you and Lisa were still together, and only did it once.
You were not cheating. God, Lisa was the one seeing another man.
Before the cancer, she was ready to run off with him to California and leave you and Hadley behind. Are you forgetting that?”
My head dropped.
He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
“Don’t be afraid of the feelings you have for Emma.
Be honest with her, she needs that. She deserves that.
Even if you decide not to tell her how you feel, why can’t you be friends?
Stop saying she’s the nanny, and say she’s a friend who’s working for you, a friend who’s helping both you and Hadley.
Stop trying to put this label on her in order to hide how you feel. ”
I didn’t reply, but I let his words sink in.
Dalton put his truck in drive and took me home. The only thing I remembered after that was crawling into bed before I passed out.
It felt like I had barely closed my eyes when I heard the sound of my daughter’s laughter ring through the house.
Hadley was home.
“Crap,” I mumbled as I climbed out of bed. The pounding in my head felt like a jackhammer. Quickly getting dressed in sweats and a T-shirt, I made my way to the kitchen.
“Daddy! Grams said we couldn’t wake you up.”
“Why not?” I asked, looking at my mother for the answer.
“I wasn’t sure how late you were out last night.”
Hadley gasped. “You go on a date, Daddy?”
“No,” I replied quickly.
My mother furrowed her brows, then turned back to Hadley. “Why don’t you run your bag up to your room, sweetheart, before the waffles are done.”
“Okay!” Hadley said, grabbing her overnight bag and rushing up the steps.
I knew what my mother was doing, and I decided to put a stop to it before she even opened her mouth.
“Nothing happened. She’s the nanny.” I flinched as Dalton’s words came back to me. “She’s just a friend, and that’s all she’ll ever be, so don’t even go there, Mom. I’m not the least bit interested in her that way.”
Pulling out the orange juice, I grabbed a cup from the cabinet and poured a glass. I glanced up and saw my mother staring at me. Except…she wasn’t really staring at me. More like past me.
Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Emma standing there.
My chest grew heavy, like someone had just dropped a fifty-pound weight onto my body.
Emma forced a wobbly smile as she walked in and set a piece of paper down on the island. “Excuse me. Here’s the recipe you asked for, Patty. I’ll leave y’all be.”
I stood there like an idiot, not saying a word as I watched Emma walk away. The door closed quietly, just like it had last night. I closed my eyes and cursed myself.
“At no time did I think you and Emma had slept together last night. I honestly just wasn’t sure what time you got home.
Emma said you went out last night, and she heard a car pull in late.
I assumed you needed a ride home, since your truck isn’t here.
That led me to conclude you got drunk. That’s why I told your daughter we couldn’t wake you up. ”
Placing my hands on the counter, I had to control the urge to throw up.
“Now, I don’t know what you did to her, but Emma wasn’t herself this morning. She said she was going to do some hiking today to clear her mind.”
“Hiking? Alone?”
“Yes. I asked her not to go by herself, but she insisted it would be fine. I saw something in her eyes, Aiden. Pain, maybe. I don’t know…but that comment you just made leads me to believe something almost happened between the two of you.”
“No, nothing happened.”
Her brow lifted. “Did you say something to her?”
Hadley raced back into the kitchen right as I heard Emma pulling out of the driveway. A part of me wanted to rush outside and stop her. Ask her to come in and have breakfast with us, but another part of me said I needed to let her go.
“Lines were blurred last night, but I handled it.”
“Is that so? Who was blurred? You? Her?”
“What does that mean?” Hadley asked.
I ruffled her hair and grinned. “Nothing. How about you and me spend the day together horseback riding.”
Hadley’s eyes lit up. “Yes! That sounds like fun!”
“Aiden, darling, do you need to talk about this?”
Without looking at my mother, I pulled the waffles that had just popped out of the toaster and put them on a plate. “No. Everything is fine, Mom.”
It was a lie I’d not only have to convince myself of, but everyone around me.
When Mom didn’t say anything, I looked up at her. For the first time in my life, I saw disappointment in her eyes.
Exhaling, she said, “She’s more than simply the nanny, and the least you could do is treat her as a friend, not an employee.”
I swallowed hard. “She works for me, Mom.”
“What a shame.” She shook her head. “I never thought you could be so cold toward another person, Aiden. If you’re not careful…” She looked at Hadley, then back at me. “You’ll be searching for a new employee.”
She shook her head again before she turned and walked out. Unlike Emma, my mother slammed the door.