20. Leila
Leila
I fight with myself as Drew continues staring at me, my inner demons screaming louder than common sense.
His gaze burns through me, seeing past all the walls I’ve built over the years.
The nightmares, the panic attacks, the dream chasing, the hopes and fears.
He’s been there through it all until the last year.
He knows me on a level no one else ever could.
“Leila,” he calls again, a little push of dominance in his tone, his posture widening.
I glance up cautiously, wrapping my arms around myself.
“Say it out loud, sunshine.” His voice is softer now, almost a whisper. His body inches closer, forehead almost to mine. “Tell me you aren’t okay, and I will do everything in my power to make it better.”
I shake my head. “I’m not,” I whisper, nearly inaudible.
“What was that?” he asks. “I can’t hear you.”
“I am not okay,” I mumble a little louder, pinpricks in my eyes threatening to unleash even more tears after I’d just dried the last round. Those four words create the most terrifying sentence I’ve uttered since becoming a mother.
“Own it, Leila.” His body now looms over me, determination and something like adoration filling his gaze.
That look breaks through the splintering walls I’ve kept up since coming back to Havenwood. I push off the stool with enough force that it slams against the underside of the counter. My hands shove into Drew’s chest, willing and ready to shove him back as well as I cry out in frustration.
“I’m not okay, okay? I. Am. Broken. I haven’t slept in months.
My own daughter would rather snuggle up with her uncle than with me unless it’s to eat.
And I apparently still can’t walk past my stepdad’s old house without triggering a stupid panic attack.
” I huff a few breaths as I get that off my chest. The new round of tears finally wins when I look up into those midnight-blue eyes as they overflow with compassion.
“I’m not okay, Drew,” I whisper, my chin quivering.
His long, calloused fingers grip my chin gently.
“No, you aren’t. And that is perfectly okay.
” Drew’s thumb swipes up, ridding my face of tears.
He never takes his eyes off of mine. In that moment, all of my fears, all the anxiety, disappear.
There are no thoughts. Just instinct as I reach up on tiptoes and close the small distance between us, my lips finding his like they always used to.
To his credit, Drew doesn’t hesitate or shy away, immediately taking control of the kiss.
His lips are soft, the pressure just firm enough, slightly parted as his tongue darts out to swipe along my lower lip.
I fall into the sensation of being held by the only man I’ve ever loved.
The only one I’ve ever had an emotional connection with.
My hands travel around his back, caressing the muscles there as they play under my fingertips. I’m careful to avoid the material of the brace that’s holding his left arm steady. Instead, I drop my fingers to the hem of his shirt and caress the skin just above his belt.
He groans and takes a step back, hands still gripping my hips. “Easy, Gracie.”
I shudder at the sound of the old nickname on his lips but drop my hands, his words striking through my unusual carelessness. I tuck a section of hair behind my ear and take a step backward, suddenly unable to look at the man I’d just been lip-locked with.
“Don’t do that,” he says, pulling me back to him so we nearly touch front to front.
“Do what?”
“Shut down on me.” He slips one hand around to rest on my lower back. “I’m trying my damnedest to remain a gentleman here, but I forgot how complicated you can make that.”
My cheeks flare at his words.
A cheeky grin tugs at Drew’s lips as he finally steps back and readjusts himself. “You’re cute when you blush.”
Tucking my chin, I don’t know what to say, so I change the subject. “I need to go pick up Kaia. Gavin’s been watching her for me today since my feelings felt too big for my body. Felt like my skin was going to split open for the world to see.”
“Pretty sure that’s who’s been blowing up my phone.”
“What?”
“Yeah, it’s been vibrating in my back pocket for the last few minutes.”
I groan as I run a hand roughly over my face while Drew answers his phone.
“Hey, man…No, she’s with me. We’re headed that way in just a few minutes…See you then.” He hangs up and sets the phone on the counter.
Those blue orbs study me as if he can see straight through me. When I still don’t say anything, he sighs, settling against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest. The move pulls his shirt tight, his ink peeking out from under the sleeves.
“Leila Grace Barrett, you are the most beautiful, patient, big-hearted woman I have ever met. You’re compassionate, considerate, and overall, just one of the most amazing people I know.
” He steps forward, cradling my head in his hand.
“But do you have to be the most stubborn person in this entire town?” His grip slides to the back of my head as he gently pulls me to his chest.
“I think that award goes to you,” I whisper, my voice breaking slightly.
Giving in to the security of his hold, I settle my ear over Drew’s heartbeat, letting the sound ground me.
Letting the feel of his arm, the strength in his grip, keep me in the present instead of where I’d been before Drew found me.
“I hope the day comes where you trust me enough to share whatever’s going through your mind like you used to,” he whispers just as softly, the tone a little raspier than normal as emotion consumes him, too.
Leaning back in shock, I take in his expression and realize he’s dead serious.
My fingers glide up his chest, running along the edges of the straps that sit there.
“Oh, Drew. No, babe.” The endearment slips out, but I don’t let myself analyze it.
“You are everything and more. I’ve been handling so much of this fear, this guilt, by myself for so long that I forget there’s more than just me.
It’s more than a little terrifying voicing these things out loud.
I know you’re willing to listen, it’s just…
” The words get stuck as I try to ease his worries.
The last thing I want him to think is that I don’t trust him.
Because this man is everything to me, and I’m quickly realizing there’s no more pretending that I’m not in love with Drew.
With that realization, I smile.
Drew smiles back, but his eyes crinkle in confusion. “What are you smiling at, sunshine?”
“I’m in.”
“You’re…in?”
I nod, a giggle slipping free. “You gonna show me around, or what? I mean, assuming you didn’t bring me to a stranger’s house.”
Understanding finally clicks. “You’re in. As in, moving in?”
A grin consumes my face as I nod, despite the exhaustion and fogginess that pulls at my mind. “You going to show me around our new home or what?”