17. Bailey
17
Bailey
I didn’t think I had ever been so embarrassed in my entire life. When I finally came to my senses, I was sitting on the ground in the parking lot in Nolan's arms. Chase and Lachlan, who were very close to having a full-on fist fight, were standing there, staring at me, as if waiting for me to shatter at any moment.
“Sorry,” I mumbled to Nolan. I stood up, even though he tried to hold me still. Lachlan stepped forward, but I held my hand up to stop him. “I need some space for a bit. I’m fine, I’m just, I’m sorry.” I was about to fall apart. The shaking wasn’t just in my hands, the numbness not only in my feet. It was in my chest, it was in my mind, it was so much deeper than I’d thought possible. All day, all the night before, it had been building up, and now I could feel it ready to explode. I needed to compose myself.
So, I left. What a mess. Here I was, mad at Chase for running away, while he was mad at me for running away. I wasn’t, but now I was, and… damn, how did I even sort through any of this?
Did I have—
Was that—
A trauma response? No, because I wasn’t traumatized. I had a good family; I was lucky to have them. Good parents. People with good parents weren’t traumatized. And I had found love. Ed loved me. Seriously, he did. He had said once I was too up in my head, thinking and overthinking way too much. He was right. I was just being dramatic.
I laughed at my own stupidity as I walked through the halls to get my bag. How embarrassing this all was.
I was so grateful when we spent gym class watching a video of the first aid and CPR. I sat away from Nolan and Lachlan, though I could feel them staring at me the whole time. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Nolan’s head dipping close to Lachlan as he whispered, and Lachlan nodded in response. By the end of the class, I wished I could ditch history and go home early, but of all my classes, history was the one I struggled with the most.
Chase walked up next to me. “Bailey, I would’ve never hurt you. You believe me, right? I’m angry, but I would’ve never hurt you.”
He thought I was scared of him? I guess it must’ve looked that way. I’d just taken on the submissive role Ed had taught me. It was so much easier when defusing stressful situations. It was the right thing to do. It was the right move to make.
Some part of me knew, at this moment, I was acting like a puppet on strings. I was disassociating with everything around me, but what else could I do? I put on a friendly smile. “Chase, it wasn’t that. I wasn’t afraid, I’ve just been tired lately. Sorry, that had nothing to do with you, okay?” I giggled. Why did I giggle?
I didn’t meet Chase’s stare, but he kept following me. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I smiled. I must’ve looked so pathetic. “Bye.” I turned into class.
I slipped into my seat and Nolan sat next to me. “Bailey—”
I held my hand up. Please, no more awkward encounters. I would probably throw up. “Honestly, I am fine. Just a bit of a dramatic girl moment.”
“What was?” Ethan asked from my other side.
“Nothing, don’t worry about it.”
Mr. Levie came into the class just as the second bell rang and started his lecture. I engrossed myself in the lesson, hanging on to his every word. Nolan didn’t try to speak to me again. He snuck his phone under the table, texting now and then, but I was hyper focused on the lesson. So focused, in fact, that I heard each word individually, and the teacher’s sentences weren’t making any sense.
I was totally going to flunk this class because the only thought on my mind was hypothermia. Weird, right? Like, how when someone is cold, their body will shiver in response. It’s their muscles’ way of creating heat to stay warm. But there’s a point in hypothermia when you stop shivering, when your regulation systems can no longer cope, and everything gets consumed by the cold. And then, I thought, shouldn’t I be shaking right now? Or have I finally been too consumed by the cold?
I felt bad ditching Nolan as soon as the bell rang. The truth was, I was doing my best to remain in control. In control of the emotions rolling through me, in control of the thoughts trying to break down the door in my head, which I kept carefully locked. And I was sure if I gave in, if I took the comfort he attempted to give all through class, that door would break open, and I wasn’t exactly sure what truths would fall out.
I didn’t even stop at my locker, just walked out to my truck, keeping it in the forefront of my mind, so I wouldn’t be derailed. Only…Lachlan stood at the truck, waiting for his ride home.
He was leaning against the hood, phone in hand as he typed something out, frowning at the screen. He hadn’t seen me yet, so part of me thought about turning around and going the other way. Maybe escaping to the library for a breather. I could text him I was going to run late with a project and to take the bus without me. But I couldn’t do that. I’d agreed to give him a ride. I could just give him my keys, and he could drive back to town while I took the bus.
My phone buzzed in my hand, likely Dad adding to my chore list. I flipped it over and looked at the screen.
Lachlan: Take your time, I can wait.
I looked up to where Lachlan was now staring at me from across the parking lot. His smile was small, soft, and his eyes were welcoming, and then he winked at me. I shook my head, laughing under my breath, and unlocked the truck before making my way over.
At first, I was uptight and nervous as we got in, but Lachlan carried on like nothing had happened at lunch. He fiddled with the radio a bit and then the heat, making it a comfortable temperature before sitting back. I felt like I was hyper attuned to his every move as he leaned on his elbow, his hand rubbing absently against his chin, as if he were in thought.
I had my arm on the center armrest as well, holding on to the gearshift, even though the truck was an automatic. It was habit after driving so many stick shifts on the farm.
Lachlan’s phone pinged, and he flipped it over, typing something with his thumb and then chuckling at whoever he was talking to. “Busy tonight?” he asked, and it took me a few seconds to realize he was talking to me.
“Yeah, I have some chores to do, and then I’m helping Dad take the beans off the field. It’s supposed to rain all next week.” Dad had already been out in the field all day with the farm hands, so Mom and I were going to go out in the evening while the guys came in to get something to eat and rest for a few hours.
“Gracie was wondering. She keeps asking to go for ice cream with you.”
Gracie was Lachlan’s little sister. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen her.”
“She starts high school next year.”
Wow. How? I swear, she had just started grade four last year. “Maybe we can hang out next week.”
Lachlan nodded, typing on his phone before setting it on his lap. I relaxed more as we got to the city limits and the houses started getting sparse. Lachlan placed his hand on mine, surprising me with the sudden touch. Warmth spread through my hand, even though his touch was barely a whisper against my skin, so light. “Is this fine?” he asked.
“Yeah.” My voice came out as a whisper, but when I glanced up at him, I could see how much he was struggling. I turned my hand palm up and held on to his hand more firmly. He let out a steady breath before nodding, as if answering his own thoughts.
I drove for a few minutes longer, relaxing into my seat while he became stiffer, his leg bouncing slowly at first, a little tremble, before it turned into a full shaking bounce. “Do you mind—” He cleared his throat. “I just need a quick smoke. Can you pull over?”
I nodded, letting go of his hand and moving the truck to the side of the road. Lachlan was out as soon as I put the truck into park. He opened his backpack and moved to the tailgate. I didn’t stare. I wanted to give him privacy, no matter how much I wanted to see what he was doing. Then he began pacing, a joint in his hand as he took a drag. Finally, he nodded to himself before tapping the red end out and placing it back into a baggie and into his backpack.
Lachlan got back into the truck.
“Good?” I asked. “I can wait a bit longer if you need.”
He turned in his seat, facing me. “I was charged with assault. Assault causing bodily harm.” His eyes watched me, weighing my reaction. I was just confused. “Only my parents and my lawyer know the full story of what happened. We thought it might lessen my sentence. Maybe it did because I could’ve gotten a lot worse. The judge was a dick, though.
“I was back and forth with whether to tell you, but after today… Bailey, I see you. I see you spiraling and the rapid changes in mood and trying to cover it up and excuse what you’re feeling—I see it. I went through it, still go through it sometimes.”
“I’m not trying to cover anything up.”
“Did you not tell Nolan you were being dramatic?” Lachlan asked, keeping his voice level and soothing.
“Ugh, you guys gossip way too much. I was being dramatic. I have no idea what happened. It was nothing.”
Lachlan shook his head. “I was thirteen when I was raped.”
My heart stopped, my blood running cold. Lachlan, my Lachlan, had been raped? My hands gripped the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white. No words came out because I had no idea what to say.
“It was March break, grade eight. My brother brought his friend home from college. Remember back then how everyone thought I was gay?”
“Yeah.” Lachlan had gotten teased for it, even though we backed him up and told everyone he wasn’t. The amount of fights the guys and I would get into, trying to protect him, wasn’t right. Why people were obsessed with telling him he was gay was beyond me. So what if he was? It wasn’t a taboo thing. But why couldn’t they respect him when he said he wasn’t?
“Yeah, well, my brother told his university friend how he had planned to save me from myself someday. He brought her home for March break.” Lachlan didn’t look away from me; everything he said, it was like he was waiting for some sort of reaction from me. “At the beginning of the break, it started out as touching and caressing. It was her laughing at everything I said and ruffling my hair. She was beautiful, and I did like her. I thought she was dating my brother.
“We went to the lake house, and while everyone was busy inside, I was outside, swimming. That’s when she kissed me. I remember pushing her away and telling her I wasn’t interested. That night, though, she woke me up, touching me.” Lachlan shivered. “She told me she was going to fuck the gay out of me.
“I can still feel her on top of me, her mouth going around—” He cleared his throat while he looked away from me, staring at the center console. “I was so powerless, and what was worse, my body betrayed me. It responded to her. I knew I didn’t want her. I knew I didn’t like what she was doing. But it felt good.
“Up until that point, I was starting to think maybe I was gay. So many people told me I was, so many people would say they could see it, but then here I was, getting hard for this chick, and what the fuck, you know?” He looked up at me, his eyes shining with so much pain.
“I’ve never felt so powerless in my life, so messed up. And I just let her do it. When the trip was done, she and my brother went back to college. Talking about it now is easier. I had therapy through my incarceration. I see now it was her that was messed up, but in the days that followed that March break, all I could think was how messed up I was. How I was the problem.”
“You were a kid,” I whispered.
“I felt dirty.” He flopped back against the seat. “Fuck, sometimes I can still feel her on me in my sleep. I used to vomit every time I thought about it. It was…a difficult time. I was mad because I was a guy, right? I should’ve enjoyed it. I should’ve been boasting to my friends about how a university chick…did those things. But every time I thought about it, I would vomit or be thrown into a panic attack. I tried so hard to not think about it. Trauma denial…that’s what the therapist said.” His eyes met mine again. “It’s this process your brain will do to minimize what happened. Even if you deny it, your body is still struggling to cope. Whether you admit it or not, your mind still knows the truth.
“At some point, before summer break, I learned she was coming back with my brother. She called me and told me she was looking forward to seeing me again. That was the switch. Anger. You know? Like, how dare she? But also fear. Will she try it again? I swear, anger and fear together are a deadly combination.
“I don’t remember too much about that night—the first night she was there—other than I couldn’t sleep. I stared at my bedroom door for the longest time, afraid. Until it opened, and then the anger came. I jumped out of bed, and I want to say I was trying to defend myself. That’s what I told the judge. That’s what I was instructed to tell the judge. But so much of the pain I had been holding in just exploded out. I was out of control.
“By the time my brother woke up and my parents came out, so much damage had been done. My dad hauled me off her, and an ambulance was called. I remember my dad shaking me and asking over and over again, Why? Why did I do this? And I… there just…” Lachlan’s breathing was rapid, coming out in short spurts until he took one long, steady exhale. “There was nothing left in me. I didn’t talk for weeks. That night, police took me into custody. I didn’t kill her, but she was in the hospital for a long time, and her parents pressed charges against me. She also claimed I tried to rape her.”
“Holy shit,” I breathed out. “All this time…all this time, we had no idea. You were there one day, and the next, just gone.”
Lachlan nodded. “When the police released me on bail and I was waiting for my court hearing, my mom talked to me, and I broke down. Told her everything. That’s when we got the lawyer, and we thought I might get off with a minimal sentence. I was walking back from the store with Ethan when they picked me up, though. The judge had decided I was a menace to society and demanded I be brought in right away. During the hearing, when I pleaded my case and explained what she had done to me, the judge said it wasn’t an excuse. Which I understood, but then he said that most boys don’t react that way when a beautiful young girl shows interest in them. She was twenty, I was thirteen, about to turn fourteen, but still.”
My mind reeled with what he had gone through. Something so big in his life, destroying our best friend, and yet… “How did we not know?”
“I didn’t want you to,” he whispered. He reached his hand out, placing it on my arm. “I didn’t want you to be grossed out by me.”
“Grossed out? Seriously?”
“I, a guy, harmed a girl. At the time, I kept calling myself a monster. I changed and became someone I hadn’t meant to.”
I held out my hand for him, and he gave a little smirk before taking it in his. “It took me a long time, a lot of therapy, to realize what happened wasn’t my fault. I take full responsibility for hurting her—I did my time for it, and I never recovered who I was—but what she did to me is on her.”
“I wish we had known. I would’ve gone after her.”
He gave my hand a slight squeeze and nodded. “I wasn’t planning on telling any of you, and not because I don’t trust you or anything. I’m just ready to let it go and move on. But I have a few triggers, things that set me off. I used to get panic attacks multiple times a day, and today, in the parking lot, I saw it in you.” I opened my mouth to argue that I was fine, but he held up his hand, stopping me. “I’m not going to ask. If you want to tell me, I’m here, but I’m not going to drill you on it. I get it, I’m starting to see now that, when our group fell apart, we all went through our own trauma. I just…need to know your boundaries.
“I can’t stand to be touched, held, fuck, anything where my skin touches another person’s because it makes everything inside me crawl until I get sick.” I looked down at where our hands were joined, and he chuckled. “I’ve been slowly testing it out with you. It’s different. But I don’t know where your lines are. When I saw you fall to the ground, I wanted to grab you, but what if it made things worse? My parents tried to help, but they always, unintentionally, made things worse.”
I kept my eyes down as I spoke. “You’ve had girlfriends.”
“No. I’ve hooked up. I’ve never had a girlfriend. With the hookups, I have concise rules, and still, they never listen. They just take what they want. You seem to get it, though.”
Lachlan shifted in his seat, leaning close to me. “Tell me, Bailey, what are your boundaries? Tell me so that I don’t cross them. Tell me so I can protect you from anyone who thinks they don’t matter.”