Houston
“I need you with me. You asked me what my end goal was with my way of mourning and having you with me is the end goal. I’m not afraid to say that I’ve allowed myself to stay in this groove because it was easier. My mourning has to come to end.”
I softened my eyes because, truthfully, I understood. It was a reach to get her to understand; however, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. This walk to my newfound liberty had everything to do with her.
“Yes, you do. It’s because of you that I even want to start down a new path.
Teaghan, listen, I’ve wasted a lot of time being unsure on what the next step for me is and although I would love to stay in this broken and depressed state you make it so damn hard.
Please, this is me begging for you to stay and help me through this. ”
“Do this as my friend. I’m fine with that until you trust me,” I pleaded.
Hesitantly, she grabbed my hand and we made the short walk with Malone to Leslie's gravesite. My chest tightened and I wanted to stop but like I knew she would, she urged me to make the final step. Standing there in silence was powerful. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t furious standing there holding a small hand in mine.
Malone reached out to touch her headstone and let go of his hand so he could get closer.
“Is this momma’s grave?” he asked causing tears to meet the brink of my eyes. I thought I would feel different with him seeing her but the same way I felt since Teaghan brought up lingered. I felt selfish and less of a man. I had kept a vital part of him away.
“Yea bud, this is your momma. She would be so happy to see you now, all grown up and smart.”
“Why did she leave us?”
“Son, she didn’t want to leave but God had other plans for her and for us. She would want us to be strong and keep doing our best to be men. She loved you kid, more than life itself.”
“I remember her pasta and her smile.”
“Yea she had a smile that would drive out darkness much like yours.”
“I wish I could see her again,” he admitted. Shit, I wished I could too. One more conversation with her would give me exactly what I needed. I had no closure but again this was the point of today. Ending a part of my life with the beginning of a new one to help.
“Malone, I brought some pictures for you. You can keep them as long as you want. Ask me any questions you want. I never want you to feel like she isn’t apart of you or watching over you because she is.
Everything she stood for is in you. I apologize, son, I didn’t know how to do both but I’m going to do my best to keep her memory alive for you. ”
“I miss her and the kids at school pick on me because I’m different and my mom can’t come to stuff. It makes me so mad and it makes me want to fight.”
“You aren’t different kid. Your mom not being around isn’t as different as you think.
Many suffer from the loss of a parent. You just experienced yours early.
But don’t you dare give people that don’t understand your struggle power over you.
Until they’ve walked in your shoes they have no idea.
Fighting won’t bring her back kid,” I reasoned. Malone being picked on was new to me.
“Yea but she can’t come to school stuff and the kids say mean things.”
“Malone, kids will say mean things but that doesn’t make them true. You are a gifted boy and kids are malicious. Don’t let them knock you down by getting to you. This is just a part of a greater story for you,” Teaghan chimed in.
“I’m trying but right now I just wished I had a mom,” Malone saying that broke my heart.
I wished I could give him his mom back. Things would be easy, why did we have to have an expiration date?
He needed someone to love him and give him the things I couldn’t.
This was a part of why I steered clear of these conversations.
I couldn’t make these things happen for him.
“Listen, we can come back whenever you want. Let’s go do something fun.”
Although I would have loved to stay longer and give him more time I didn’t want to overwhelm him. Slowly but surely it would make sense to him. And when it did I would be right there consoling him and giving him encouragement.