Teaghan
Arriving at the fair, I sighed. Thank God we were doing something light-hearted.
The visit at the cemetery damn near drained me of all the energy I had.
Watching Houston do his best to help Malone understand something that would take more than one visit to understand took the breath right from my body.
My heart and soul went out to them both, both lost and trying to lean on one another.
Unfortunately, it only brought me closer to the conclusion that I needed to pull back. I couldn’t in good conscience be a part of the healing process. There was no guarantee that once healing took place, there would be a spot for me.
“Hey, you ok?” he asked as I stood off to the side as if I wasn’t a part of this family outing.
Malone getting the wrong impression was my biggest concern.
His smile and laugh were infectious, but his father was playing dirty in my eyes.
He went from being cold to damn near coming on way too strong.
“Of course, it’s just things are moving really quickly and I’m not over what you pulled earlier. I’ve explained that I hated obligatory things and motives. I like you Houston but that should have been a private moment.”
“And I understand your opinion, but you’ve done nothing but put yourself in our situation. And I love that about you. You saw me for way more than a widow. I apologize Teaghan, for real but you’ve done exactly what you’ve set out to do. My eyes are open and I’m ready. Be ready with me.”
I listened and only had myself to blame because he was right.
From day one I forced Houston to open up to me on a deeper level than my occupation.
Me being overbearing now had me in a situation that I didn’t know how to move through.
I wanted to help Houston but in my own way.
I guess this is where compromise came in.
I didn’t want my occupation to determine the way things went.
I was no psychologist. I wanted him to see me as Teaghan, the person.
But somehow while talking to myself while he peered at me with those soft pleading brown eyes I knew that this was God’s will.
Whether I liked it or not or understood.
“Houston fine, but from this point on you give me a choice. Don’t just throw stuff on me because you know I can’t say no. That’s unfair.”
“I apologize a thousand times. My intentions were never to force you or play on who you are. Believe that.” I nodded and we got started on the games and concessions.
For the rest of the night we played the carnival games with Malone.
From the outside looking in, we looked like a normal family.
Something I longed for longer than I could remember.
Having a family of my own, one that I could mold to how I saw fit, kept me up at night.
A family different from what I grew up in.
My childhood was all about appearance; dinners with this family and this prominent person.
I didn’t enjoy the simple things such as a corn dog on a stick or a silly bear to remind me of a fun night.
We were now running low on tickets so this would be the last game of the night and my feet were rejoicing. Me being super active felt like a joke after running behind Malone all night. The speakers crackled, alerting us of the start of the fireworks.
Grabbing Houston’s hand, we anticipated the start of the beautiful show, signifying spring being in full swing.
As the bright colors lit the sky, I felt a sense of newness.
Spring always gave me that vibe. Most started new years on the 1st of January but the new me started on the first day of spring.
I knew now that the internal struggle was nothing more than me attempting to change my fate for the new season.
But fate had a way of making me concede to whatever the higher power wanted.
It wanted me to be here starting new with Houston.
It was a damn shame that fireworks had to be the telltale signal or the sign Missy said not to look for.
“Thank you for bringing me even though I wasn’t in agreement,” I said, looking to my right.
Houston smiled and licked his lips and brought me closer.
The show was going on above us and my heart rate matched the bombs bursting over us.
He came closer and I knew then that what I wished for was soon to happen.
Our lips met and it felt like pop rocks bursting in my belly, tingling to my toes and hands shaking from a simple kiss to the lips.
My ears deafened all noises as we slowly kissed a sweet melodic kiss.
His arm laid tightly on my back and a serene feeling washed over me.
I wanted him to be ready and I have him right where I asked for him to be and it was time to ensure I was also ready for whatever our journey would look like.
“You light up my world much like those fireworks. I said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m ready,” he said barely above a whisper. The claps from the other patrons could be heard now that I perceived what was meant for me. It was all about timing and the timing couldn’t have been better.
“Malone, one last game - you better make it count,” I spoke as I wiggled from the tight, winning grasp Houston had on me.
Truthfully I could stay in the moment forever, but I knew Malone was watching and giving him false hope that everything would somehow fall into place with no hiccups wasn’t the right thing to do.
I hated that he was even involved, to begin with.
Settling on wack a mole me and Malone got to it as his father watched with a grand smile on his face.
Again the devil tried to sneak in and expose my insecurities.
The questions were never-ending. What if he was only doing this to give Malone a mother?
Did it matter who it was? Should I feel special when at the end of the day his goal was to find a way to get over his wife?
“I win, now pay up!” Malone screeched, bringing me out of my negative thoughts.
I was back feeling lost and asking a million questions that probably didn’t matter.
I smiled at Malone and could see the look on Houston’s face.
He knew, like I knew, that what we were doing could be dangerous and there was no guarantee that this would work, without work.
“Alright, let’s get out of here. It’s been a long day and it’s past your bedtime.”
Watching him interact with Malone brought all the feels. It
was something I missed with my own parents.
No one tucked me in at night. Sometimes I felt invisible unless it was my birthday.
Again, it was all for show and the glamour.
None of my gifts were ever anything I wanted.
It was always something elaborate to invoke ooh’s and ahh’s from the guests.
I shook my head and climbed into the car.
The realization of having a dad and still being stuck with daddy issues was a hard pill to swallow.
I wanted to call him and just see if we could resolve our situation once and for all.
I didn’t want to be at odds with my family.
Especially after the visit to the cemetery, Leslie died at twenty- six years old.
Life hadn’t really happened for her. And here I was complaining because a man took an interest in me.
Here I was complaining that my dad wanted something different from me when in reality I could be gone tomorrow or even worse he could be gone tomorrow.
It was time to meet halfway and get over the fact that what we wanted was something different and it didn’t have to be met with disdain but had to be met with respect.
“I think I want to have another conversation with my father.
Life is short,” I said out of nowhere.
“I agree. I have so much shit I need to address it’ll probably take me years to unpack it, but I have to try.” This would normally be where I offer to help but this was the first day of a new beginning and I had to stop inviting myself along for shit that had nothing to do with me.
“Like what?” I asked. I wasn’t going to offer my help, but curiosity killed the cat.
“Malone’s grandparents are in town, and I can’t say I handled shit with them correctly. I need to for him,” he said looking back. Malone had passed out from only being in the car for ten
minutes. I had to be honest, I wasn’t far behind him. Today had been eventful. It opened my eyes to a lot.
I pretended that I didn’t let my past affect my future and that wasn’t true.
I was tiptoeing with Houston because of my past. I was changing my normal routine and ultimately who I was because of my past. It was possible that he was the one that deserved me exactly how I was and guess what, he was about to get the water downed version of me because of what someone else did to me.
“What do you need to do for you?” I asked.
I fought long and hard not to let the question exit my mouth, but some shit just didn’t come easy.
I respect all that he did for Malone but as a parent and a man he had to acknowledge that some shit he did or wanted to do was for himself.
It was okay to have goals and aspirations outside of being a father.
I hated to admit it but that was one of the things I loved about my parents.
Me being born didn’t stop them from chasing dreams and securing a life for themselves once I flew the coop.
They took vacations, had dinner dates and lived a life that I wasn’t a part of.
Back then I didn’t understand the babysitter coming over to keep an eye on me while they went to eat when we had food at home.
As an adult I understood. Parenting was amazing but it was fine to step back and be you for you.
“A lot but acknowledging that I’m not the easiest person to deal with is first. Some hurtful things were said when Leslie passed, and I’ve harbored that shit for so long.
I would rather pretend they don’t exist, but we see where that’s led me.
I can’t do it all on my own and right now I don’t know that I even want to. It takes a village right?”
“It does but that village has to mean well. Do you think they mean well?”
“The only way to find out is to give them a chance. I was uh wondering if you wanted to come back to my place. It’s still early and maybe we could have a drink and have some alone time,” he stuttered attempting to make eye contact and drive at the same time.
“I’d like that. Do you have wine? If not, I can run into the liquor store and grab us some.”
“I have whiskey,” he replied. Ok, I was trying to keep it classy, but whiskey would have me acting out of my character.
If that’s what he wanted I was also game for that.
He would regret it, but I would let him retrace the steps of the night later on his own.
It was bound to get a little wild once I got some dark liquor in me.
I just hoped he was ready when the moment presented itself.
Within ten minutes we were pulling up to his modest home, in a well-lit neighborhood.
My thoughts were doing that thing they did and running away from me.
Would tonight be the night? Was I ready for tonight to be the night?
Well, of course, I was ready for his soft lips to be all over my body and his strong arms to wrap around me like a boa constrictor.
There was nothing wrong with a grown woman having a little fun with a man she found utterly attractive.
As we exited the car the rain began pouring down on us. I was soaked as we ran to the front door. Yeah, the night was bound to get a little wild. Rain soothed my soul and my fears. The sirens in my ears began to ring signifying a long wet sticky night.