Chapter 16 #2
I closed my eyes and pulled the sheets up to my face and just lay there, enjoying my time alone in his bed, not thinking about what he was doing for once in my life.
I knew what he was doing. He was downstairs watching football in his living room, allowing me to sleep because he’d worn me out.
I sighed to myself as I realized that I’d rather he’d have stayed upstairs and cuddled me and talked about where our relationship was going, but I knew that was way too much to ask.
I grabbed my handbag and pulled my phone out and was surprised to see that I had a missed message from Luke.
I immediately felt guilty at seeing his name on the screen.
Not that I had any real reason to feel guilty.
We weren’t dating. I wasn’t cheating on him.
In fact, he’d been the one to leave me feeling confused.
I opened the messages and read them quickly.
My heart started pounding as I read them and I put my phone down on the bed quickly before reading them again.
“Hey Lara, I want to apologize for the other night and leaving so abruptly. I know you might be confused and I know I still owe you ice cream. I want to explain myself and I don’t want you to think I’m crazy.
I really like you, yes, I know this is early to say this.
I really feel a strong connection to you and the other night I had an overwhelming urge to kiss you and touch you.
I left because I didn’t want you to think I was all about sex.
I didn’t want to be that guy who can’t keep his hands off you.
And I didn’t know how to explain that without seeming like a weirdo.
I’d really like to see where this goes. I know this is a really long text and I’d love to be able to see you and talk it all out in person, if you have time and still want to see me. Let me know!”
I stared at my phone screen and I could feel my stomach churning.
I bit down on my lower lip as I read his text yet another time.
I was confused at the happy thoughts going through my head.
I was happy that Luke had texted me and at what he’d said.
A part of me was really happy, really excited.
He had said all the words I’d wanted to hear from a guy.
He valued and liked me. And he respected me enough to not just be all about my body.
Unlike Parker flashed through my mind. Parker was all about the sex.
He didn’t seem to care that it was making a complicated situation even more complicated.
He didn’t care that we had this weird connection that we weren’t really getting to the bottom of.
Yeah, he’d said he liked me, but that was like the weakest thing he could have said in the situation.
What did him liking me really mean? It was almost as if he’d said it just to get me into bed.
Once I’d said yes, all other talk had been off the table.
I wanted to bang my head against a wall.
I was so confused and frustrated with myself.
And now I was even starting to doubt my feelings for Parker.
If I loved him so much, how could I be so happy at Luke’s text?
How could I be feeling that maybe I should give Luke another chance?
How could I be wondering if sleeping with Parker again had been the biggest mistake of my life?
I knew that l loved him. I loved him so much that my heart hurt just thinking about not being with him, but I also knew that I liked Luke.
Like, really liked him. I was attracted to him.
He made me laugh. He made me smile. When I was with him, I rarely thought of Parker.
A part of me knew that I could be happy with Luke.
A part of me wondered if I could even love him if I let go of Parker, and that scared the shit out of the other part of me.
I’d always lived my life with the philosophy that people had one true love, but if Parker wasn’t the one, then maybe that wasn’t true.
I also knew that if I wanted to move on with Luke, I’d have to cut Parker off completely.
I’d have to have him out of my life. I couldn’t move on from him if I saw him and talked to him.
I couldn’t let go of him if I still had him in my soul.
And the thought of never seeing him, not talking to him, never touching him again scared the shit out of me.
It made me feel like I wanted to die. But the possibility of losing him, but gaining the opportunity to fly, always beckoned too brightly.
I didn’t even know how to respond to Luke.
I knew my response would signal something to him and I wasn’t sure it was fair to make him believe I wanted the same thing if I was still committed to Parker.
Also, I didn’t know if it was right to enter a relationship with him to get over someone else?
It all seemed so murky and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. I liked him too much.
“Hey, you’re up.” Parker walked into the room and I jumped up in surprise as I hadn’t even noticed him coming. I hadn’t even heard him. My heart thudded in the way it always did when I saw him, unable to stop the love from flowing. I couldn’t stop myself from lighting up.
“Yeah, how was the game?” I asked him softly, pushing my phone under my back.
“Still on, not sure who’s going to win, so that’s always a good game.”
“Oh, cool.” I nodded, not really sure what to say. I felt tongue-tied. And awkward.
“Not really.” He smiled and walked to the bed. “Are you hungry?”
“I’m okay, thanks.” I shook my head.
“Sore?”
“A bit.” I nodded and gave him a weak smile.
Something felt off and I knew it was all inside of me, but I didn’t know what to do about it.
I just wanted to cry. I could feel it inside of me, welling up.
I could feel the pain inside of me wanting to come out.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob for the heartbreak and misery I still felt.
I was maybe even more miserable than before because a part of me felt used and another part of me felt like I’d screwed myself over.
Sleeping with Parker had brought him closer to my heart, but emotionally I felt like we were still nowhere. We were still nothing.
“Need anything?” he asked me softly as he sat down on the side of the bed and kissed me on the cheek.
“No, I’m okay, thanks.” I pretended to yawn and then closed my eyes.
“Still tired?” he asked, surprised, and I nodded, not wanting to look at him.
I didn’t want to look into his piercing eyes.
They did too much to me. Staring at his handsome face made me think things I didn’t want to think.
I was annoyed at myself for still hoping this could grow into something more than it was.
Nothing Parker had said could really lead me to believe there was any possibility of him falling in love with me and us getting married and living happily ever after.
Nothing Parker had said would lead me to believe he was really and truly my Prince Charming.
Not now. Not after everything that had gone down between us.
“Shall I try and wake you up?” I felt his lips against mine and I resisted kissing him back.
“No,” I mumbled, annoyed. Could he only think about sex?
Was this always just going to be a booty call?
Wasn’t I worth more than that? Didn’t I deserve more than that?
I loved him, but I valued myself more than what he was offering.
I thought about Luke and how sweet he was.
I thought about his text message and how sincere he sounded, how he really wanted to get to know me.
How he could possibly offer me what I really wanted.
And ultimately that was what it was all about.
It was about being with someone who could give me what I wanted.
Love me in the way I wanted and deserved to be loved.
I was fed up with the heartache. Love wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Life wasn’t supposed to be this hard.
I didn’t want to be living on the edge of uncertainty forever.
“Lara, you okay?” Parker collapsed on the bed next to me and I could tell from his voice that he was feeling unsure of himself.
“I’m fine, why?” I opened my eyes and looked over at him. He was staring at my face and his eyes were narrowed as he gazed at me. “What’s up?”
“What’s up with you?” he asked me with a slight frown. “You’re acting different.”
“What do you mean?” I blinked at him, pretending I didn’t understand what he was talking about.
“I mean, you can barely look me in the eyes right now.” He reached over and touched my lips. “What’s going on?”
“I’m just tired. I can barely keep my eyes open right now.” I blinked again and yawned widely. “It’s nothing personal.”
“Are you still mad at me? Is that what this is all about?” He sighed.
“I’m not mad at you.” I shook my head and reached over and touched his face, wanting so bad to tell him that I loved him, wanting so bad for him to know that all I wanted was to lie in his arms forever.
I just wanted to be with him and hold him close.
When I was around him I was no longer myself.
I hated and loved the power he had over me.
“Why does it feel like you’re mad at me, then?” he said as his hand grabbed mine and he brought my fingers to his lips for a kiss.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “You tell me.”
“Lara, I don’t know what’s going on. I just know how I feel in this moment. I know something doesn’t feel right. I know you’re not acting how you normally act. I know something seems off.”
“Wow, you know a lot,” I answered with a small smile, trying to joke. “When did you get so smart?”
“We have a connection, Lara. I don’t understand it and I’ve never been so attuned to someone else before, but I know something isn’t right.” He sighed. “But fine, you don’t have to tell me.”