Chapter 16 #3
“What connection do you think we have?” I asked softly, wanting him to continue. Maybe if he—if we—could talk this out, somehow we’d get to a place that felt better.
“I don’t know.” He sighed. “Maybe because we’ve known each other for so long and because we’re better friends now, and now we’re lovers, maybe I can just understand you better now.
Maybe I can read your cues better now that you’re in my life more.
I don’t really know why or how. Does it really matter? ”
“I guess not.” I sighed. “Why should it matter, right? Why does any of it matter? It’s just nothing. It’s all just nothing.”
“What is that supposed to mean? It’s just nothing?” He gave a deep sigh. “Why do I feel like we’re fighting and I don’t even know why?”
“If you don’t know why, then it doesn’t matter, right?” I pulled my hand away from his and sat up quickly. “I just can’t do this anymore, Parker. I just don’t have the strength to go back and forth with you all the time.”
“Go back and forth about what?” He sat up as well and his voice was angry. “What the hell is going on, Lara? I thought we were in a good place? I thought everything was okay? Shit, we just made love five times.”
“It always comes back to sex for you, doesn’t it?” I put my hands on my face. “I want more than that.”
“What?” He jumped off the bed and looked at me. “What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean it always comes back to sex for us? When has our relationship ever just been about sex?”
“What relationship?” I said and jumped up out of bed. “Do we have a relationship? Do we have anything?”
“What do you mean ‘do we have a relationship?’” He frowned. “Of course we do.”
“What’s our relationship, then?” I heard the words out loud and my whole body froze.
I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation here and now.
I couldn’t believe I was going for it. I knew I sounded crazy, like some sort of stalking, obsessed person, but I couldn’t keep doing this.
I couldn’t keep hoping and praying and falling back into this trap.
He either wanted me or he didn’t. I couldn’t keep giving my body to him.
I couldn’t keep letting my heart have this hope and want.
It wasn’t fair, and I knew that every time it didn’t go well, I was losing a part of myself.
My soul was splintered and I didn’t want to live this way anymore.
My life and his love weren’t worth all of this.
“I didn’t know we had a defined relationship,” he said slowly, his face going red. “We’ve never discussed anything like that.”
“We never discussed having sex, but we’ve had it,” I almost shouted. “And we also never discussed birth control, but you haven’t really seemed to care much about that.”
“Lara, I’m sorry.” His lips thinned. “It was irresponsible of me, I know that, but I just wanted you so bad that I wasn’t thinking.”
“Yeah, I get it. The sex was too good. I was too good. You felt too good.” I rolled my eyes. “I get that sex means more to you than a relationship.”
“What are you talking about? I told you that I liked you. This is about more than sex.”
“Is it?” I said and gazed at him, my eyes piercing into his, looking for honest answers to my questions.
“What are you asking me, Lara?” He chewed on his lower lip and I could see his heart beating as his chest rose quickly.
“What do you think?” I cocked my head to the side, not even caring that I was putting my cards on the line.
“Are you saying you want to be in a relationship with me?” The words tripped out of his mouth uncomfortably.
“Are you saying that you want to date me? That you want to be my girlfriend?” He continued to stare at me with an impassive face and I just stared back at him, having no idea what he was thinking.
Did he think I was crazy? Was he scared out of his mind?
“I would like to think that the person I’m sleeping with would also want me to be his girlfriend,” I said simply.
“We haven’t even been on any dates,” he said slowly, his eyes changing into an emotion akin to fear. “We don’t even know if we’d be compatible in a relationship. We don’t even know if we’d get on well.”
“Okay.” I nodded, his answer telling me everything we needed to know.
“Okay?” He frowned. “That’s all you have to say?”
“What do you want me to say?” I said, and I could feel my entire body trembling. Tears were welling up in my eyes and I just stared at him. So handsome, so sexy, so lost. My love. My everything. My nothing, because he wasn’t mine.
“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe that you’ll just go along with things how they are and then we can rethink everything later.”
“Rethink what, Parker?” I shook my head at him. “What is there to rethink?”
“How we feel.”
“I know how I feel, you know how you feel.” I shrugged. “There’s nothing to rethink.”
“Lara, you’re really confusing me. This is the first time we’ve ever had a conversation like this. I don’t know what you feel. I don’t know what you want.” He shook his head.
“Then I’m just another crazy girl, I suppose.” I was starting to get angry. “How can you not know how I feel, Parker? Are you an idiot? Are you blind? Do you think I would just come back with you and sleep with you because you’re such a smooth talker?”
“Maybe.” He cracked a grin, but it quickly fell from his face when he realized that I wasn’t in the mood for jokes.
“Everything is a joke to you.” I shook my head and reached down for my clothes. “I’m not going to do this anymore.”
“Do what?” He looked baffled and I could almost laugh. He really seemed to have no idea that I was in love with him. “You’re leaving? Did I do something wrong, Lara? I’m so confused right now.”
“You’re not the only one who’s confused.” I pulled on my clothes. “I’m bloody confused and angry.”
“What?” He grabbed my arms and held me still. “Look at me, Lara. You need to tell me what’s going on. I can’t read your mind. What the hell happened when I went down to watch football? I truly don’t understand.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m over it. I’m over you.” I was hurt and frustrated and all the hurt was coming out. I didn’t even care that he didn’t know what I was talking about.
“Over me?” He frowned. “Lara?”
We both paused as my phone beeped from under the duvet.
He pulled back from me and frowned. “Your phone’s in the bed?
” He walked over and pulled the duvet off and grabbed my phone.
I bit down on my lower lip, hoping that it wasn’t Luke texting me.
Please, please don’t let it be Luke texting me again, I thought.
Please let it be Mila asking me how I’m doing.
Or something like that. The silence as he grabbed the phone and looked at the screen was painful, but I knew as soon as the tension hit the air and his angry, red face looked at me that I wasn’t going to be so lucky.
I knew before he even said anything that it was Luke who had texted me and that he had read the text.
“So you’re still talking to Luke,” he said, his voice deceptively low.
“Yeah, I am.” I nodded slowly. “Well, he texted me today. To apologize and explain what happened the other day.”
“Before or after we had sex?” He pursed his lips. “Before or after you went crazy?”
“I didn’t go crazy.” I glared at him. “And this has nothing to do with him.” I waved my arms between us. “This has everything to do with us and just us.”
“Yeah, okay.” He shook his head in disgust. “Don’t even try and lie to me, Lara.
Just an hour ago you were screaming out my name and now you’re putting on your clothes, mumbling some bullshit about relationships, and being confused and not explaining shit to me.
And you’re telling me this has nothing to do with the text message you just got from some dipshit guy that you’ve been seeing the last week who wanted to put ice cream on your body and lick it off. ”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I shook my head at him. “You’re fucking crazy. I never said he wanted to put ice cream on my body and lick it off. You did.”
“If you want that so bad, I have some vanilla downstairs. I can go and get it and lick it off you now. If that’s what you want.”
“You’re a pig,” I screamed at him, my eyes wide. I wasn’t even sure how we had descended so low so quickly. “How dare you?”
“I’m all about sex, right? So I guess I dare a lot of things. Shit, why don’t you bend over right now and I’ll stick it in your ass as well?”
“Parker.” I stared at him in shock, unable to believe he’d just said that. He looked back at me, his face looking as shocked as mine, and he handed me my phone silently. “I think I’m going to leave now,” I said softly as I grabbed my phone.
“Whatever.” He turned around and walked out of the room, leaving me standing there with trembling fingers.
I pressed down on the phone to see the text that Luke had sent me that had sent everything over the edge, and sighed.
“Also, I just wanted to say that our kiss the other night was magical. I think I saw a shooting star when we pulled apart and I wanted you to know that I made a wish. My wish was that every kiss we shared would be as special as that one. Hopefully it will still come true.”
I looked at the screen for another few seconds and tears streamed down my face and onto the phone as I read Luke’s words.
Why was this so complicated? Why wasn’t it Parker who was sending me these sweet texts?
And more importantly, how was it possible to feel like I liked two guys?
And how did I get over these thoughts and feelings?
Everything was a real mess and I knew I had no idea what to do to figure it out.
Not that it really mattered. As far as I was concerned, I was done with Parker once and for all, and this time I meant it.