Chapter 38
Chapter
Thirty-Eight
Joel
F or the first time all day, I find a sense of escape from the catastrophic ache that has taken over my heart—a glimmer of hope shining as her arms hold me close.
Nothing is perfect, and I know myself and Edith are far from that, but I cling on to this feeling like my life depends on it because right now it’s all I have.
I don’t know how long I’d stayed at the Vets. I can’t even remember driving home—and the state I was in, I probably shouldn’t have—but along with deciding to prevent Milo from any further pain, the next hardest thing I had to do was tell a five-year-old why his playmate was never coming back.
The look on Teddy’s face was as if I’d just gone through his bedroom and trashed every single one of his toys. He didn’t understand, and the truth is, I still don’t.
Losing someone is never easy. It’s the worst pain anyone can go through. But when the decision is left to you, and you’re then the one who is responsible for ending a life, it’s devastating.
It’s raw.
Chills cover my bare back as Edith’s fingertips trace along my shoulders.
My head presses against her stomach. My arms wrap around her so tight. I don’t want to let go. I feel safe with her against me.
“Joel,” she whispers, and I hold her tighter as I feel her pull away.
“Don’t go,” I plead. “I don’t want you to go.”
Her fingers lace through my hair. “I’m not going anywhere. But I need to move. I’ve been standing for too long. I’m hurting.”
I don’t know how long we’ve been like this, but the bright sunshine that had filled the sky this morning has now disappeared, rain now hitting the patio doors. Feeling guilty, I pull back and look up at her. Her face is pale and tears remain in her eyes.
Even in times of distress, she’s still the most beautiful thing.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “Have I hurt you?”
She smiles softly, wiping my face with her thumbs. “No. But if you’ve got any painkillers, I could do with some. Mine wore off a while ago and I’m feeling it.”
I nod, letting her out of my grip. When I stand, I wrap my arms around her once more, kissing the top of her head before finally letting her go.
I blow out a heavy breath and place Milo’s collar on the table before getting us both some water and painkillers. I know I could do with some myself as my head is pounding.
Returning, I find Edith sitting on the floor, resting against the kitchen island with her legs stretched out. I hand her a glass of water and some tablets before falling to the floor myself and sitting next to her, mirroring her position. I watch her drink down her pills and water before she rests her head back, tilting her head to the side to face me.
She studies me for a second and then whispers, “Hi.”
For the first time since I got home, I smile. “Hey.”
Her eyes leave me again as I take my pill, drinking down the water and placing my glass on the floor beside me. “You know, there are comfier places in this house than the kitchen floor. You are allowed to use them.”
She smiles. “I don’t think I would have managed to get there. I needed to sit down before I fell. I’ve not done a lot of resting today.”
I feel guilty for not making contact this past week and not checking up on her since leaving the hospital. But just like her, I’ve needed time. I haven’t been in a good place, and the last thing she’d needed was me bringing her down. This week has turned from grey to black as time has gone on.
“How are you doing?” I ask.
“I’m getting there. Still a little sore, but Dad and Daisy have been taking care of me.”
“Is Daisy’s bedside manner the same as it was in the hospital?”
“Fuck no.” She chuckles, holding her neck. “She’s been evil with me at times.”
“I can imagine.”
Silence falls between us and I latch eyes on Milo’s empty bed, feeling my gut twisting.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I think back over the day that’s ended in a tragedy I never wanted to be a part of. “It was cancer,” I say softly, feeling her eyes on me as I focus on my boy’s bed. “The reason he’d been slowing down. The lack of appetite. It was because he had cancer.”
Her hand links with mine, and I push through the tingle that runs down my spine at her touch. “We were in the field with Dan and Teddy, playing football, when he collapsed. The next thing I knew, the vet was telling me there was nothing more they could do.”
“I’m so sorry, Joel,” she murmurs. “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. He was the best dog ever and was loved by many. He had an amazing life. You can’t forget that.”
“I know he did.” I smile.
“I’ll never forget that time when he was a pup and you came home from work to find he’d shredded your sofa.”
I chuckle, remembering that time. “The little shit. I could hear him whining, but all I could see was white stuffing everywhere until I found him hiding in the hole that he’d eaten in the back of the sofa.”
“He was so cute, though.”
“I didn’t think so at that point. He was in the doghouse for a week.”
“He was not. I remember you buying him loads of dog treats the very next day. He was never in trouble, no matter what he’d done. ”
“True. I just wish he was still here.” The ache in my throat threatens. “What am I going to do without him?”
“We'll get through it together.”
Will we though? Because I don’t know anymore.
“Was Daniel with you today?”
Fresh tears sting my eyes as I flash back to the daunting time and I shake my head. “I was on my own.”
“Joel…” she whispers, her voice quaking. “You should have called me.”
I can’t help but look at her. Her eyes are flooded with unshed tears. I’d wanted her with me. I’d needed her with me. But she hadn’t been, and although I’d hated that more than anything, a part of me is grateful she wasn’t. I hadn’t wanted her to witness the state I was in because not only was I grieving the loss of one best friend, but I was also fighting my feelings of losing another.
I look at the summer rain battering the patio doors.
A week ago, everything had been so different. I’d been happier than I ever remember being. Everything had seemed perfect.
Like an evil spirit, Lorna, uninvited, takes over my thoughts along with Daniel telling me she’d been arrested. And like my heart has betrayed me, I can’t help the flicker of hope that lands in my chest.
I look at her. “So you went to the police?”
“I did. Dad told me to.”
“He did?”
“He told me you went to see him after we…” Her eyes leave mine. “I guess I should thank you in some ways because we talked, and I told him everything I’ve wanted him to notice for years.”
“And he listened?”
She nods. “It’s not just me that Lorna has been giving grief to either. It seems he has had his fair share of it over the years, too.”
I don’t tell her that Gerald has already shed some light on his marriage with me.
“Dad said he would support me no matter what I did, but I’d needed to get my head around everything first.”
“Something I should have done but failed,” I say.
“You didn’t fail me, Joel. I understand why you did it. But I had to think of dad at that point. Turns out he was never unhappy with us after all.”
I frown, unsure where this is going.
“Despite everything that’s happened, this past week has become some kind of a twisted blessing because, for the first time in years, I have my dad back, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
My jaw tightens and I look away. That glimmer of hope in my chest now turned to ash.
But then Daniel’s words playback in my mind.
She’s always loved you.
What if he’s right? What if all this time she’s been right there in front of me, and I’ve been too blind to see it? I can’t let go of that. I can’t not act on that. I know in my heart that she loves me. I know her better than anyone, and I know she’s only pushed me away because she was scared. But there’s nothing to fear anymore.
Turning to face her, I hold her gaze, steady and true, trying to read her beautiful mind as those embers inside begin to flicker with need as I dive into the deep end and tell her the truth.
“Is that the only thing you’ve ever wanted?” I let my words settle before I cup her jaw, running my thumb over her lips as I whisper. “Because I still love you, Edie, and I know you love me back.”
“Joel…”
A tear falls, her eyes darting between mine, and I try to read her thoughts. But when her eyes slam shut and her jaw clenches I know I’ve done wrong. As much as I hate it, I pull away. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No. It’s not you. It’s me. I…” I can see she is fighting—what I don’t know.
“Talk to me, Edie.”
“What if I’m not enough?” she whispers.
I frown. “Why would you think that?”
“Because…” She shakes her head, and I know there is something on the tip of her tongue that she needs to express but that it’s also something she’s struggling with. I just have to keep pushing until I get it out of her. No matter how long it takes.
“Edie, you said you’ve never doubted my trust.”
“I haven’t.” She gets up off the floor and I do the same.
“Then why do I feel like you are?”
“Look, forget I said anything. It’s been a long day for us both and now isn’t the time… I need to go.”
Frustration I never saw coming covers my body, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve somehow crossed a line or if it’s because she’s closing up on me and heading out the kitchen.
“Edie. Wait. Tell me what I’ve done wrong.”
“You’ve done nothing wrong, Joel.”
“So why act like this?”
“I’m just tired. I’ll call you tomorrow. ”
“Edie, please.”
She opens the door to the heavy rain on the outside but carries on heading up the drive. Everything was going okay until I told her I loved her. Was that so wrong?
She’s always loved you.
Needing to know if it’s true, I blurt out the words that have been going around in my mind, not knowing if I’m going to fix something that’s broken between us or completely tear it apart.
“Did you love me even before I married her?” I shout.
She halts, and her movement alone tells me everything I need to know.
But the stubbornness in her remains silent.
I walk out, the rain now covering my bare chest and my bare feet walking through the puddles. “Edie?”
“Go inside, Joel. We’ll talk tomorrow.” She says without looking at me before carrying on.
I’m determined not to let her go without knowing the truth because I can’t cope with this indecisive behaviour from her. “Can you at least answer me instead of walking away?”
I get nothing but silence and my annoyance explodes.
“For fucks sake, just tell me! ”
“Yes!” she yells, spinning around to face me. Her wet hair is stuck to her face and her white vest top clings to her body like a second skin. “But none of that matters anymore.”
I frown. “Why would you even say that?”
“Because what if Lorna is right? What if all of this was just a massive mistake? We are so new and you are still grieving, and I don't want to wake up one day to have you realise this is not what you wanted. That I am not what you want. I can't be a rebound, Joel. I just can't."
Her words stun me, but it’s Lorna’s name that has the fire burning in my stomach for a whole other reason. We were fine before we came clean about our relationship. We were happy. Everything was fine until a week ago.
I step close, unsure if I feel angry or disappointed now. “Is that what you think this is?”
"I don't know what to think anymore!” she cries. “For years I’ve been forced to stay silent by her and Sophia because they knew of my feelings for you. I couldn’t say what I wanted, and so many times I wanted to tell you everything, but I couldn’t.”
“Then tell me now. Tell me what you’ve wanted to say all this time but never had the chance to. Let me know what’s inside here.” I press my hand over my heart. “Tell me it all, Edie. I’m right here.”
She hesitates for a moment, and I’m waiting for her to bolt. But she doesn’t. Instead, she lets out everything she’s concealed and as each one falls, I can hear her desperation behind them.
"I never wanted to be like Sophia but, at times, I was jealous because there were things she had that I wanted, too. And the one thing I wanted more than anything was you.” Her arms wrap around her waist. "It hurt watching you with her. It killed me watching you marry her, and I hated what she did to you because I knew I could love you better. I’ve loved you since before I knew what love was. I've not loved anyone else the way I love you.” She holds my gaze, her tears blending with the rain. “But Lorna gets in my head, Joel. She has got into my head, and not only has she said things I now question, she told me that if I didn’t end it with you that nothing would ever be the same. She threatened to hurt everyone I love if I didn’t break up with you. So I panicked. I know I hurt you, and I hate myself for what I’ve done, but I couldn’t risk her hurting you in any way. And I couldn’t risk being your mistake. I had to do what was right, even though my heart is broken—even though it’s killing me. ”
Her confession has my heart racing, and I’m walking towards her without a second thought.
She threatened her.
She fucking threatened her.
Now it’s all starting to make sense: our breakup wasn’t just because she was protecting everyone, it was because she was protecting her heart.
From me.
Lorna has always had the power to make her believe things she never needed to, and I should have recognised that after the accident. But she can’t think this of me. She can never think this of me.
I grip her jaw and pull her towards me, the rain not easing as I lay everything on the line and make her see what Lorna has blinded her from.
"You wore a sky-blue dress that matched your eyes the day I first noticed you. Your hair was braided down both sides and you wore white ballerina pumps that were covered with mud because you’d been in the field. And when you smiled, you took my breath away. That was weeks before we first spoke but your smile remained in my memory every second of every day, and when out in the village, I looked for you. I was a young man myself back then, and given your age, it would have been wrong to act on anything I felt inside. So, I looked out for you in the only way I knew how. When I kissed you, it changed me, Edie. All feelings I had inside when it came to you doubled, and I wanted more so badly, but I couldn’t act on them because you were too young. It would have been wrong. I buried my feelings, but I never knew then that you felt the same way.”
“And if you had?” she murmurs.
“If I had… Jesus, Edith, I would have run to you like my life depended on it. Consequences be dammed, I would have made it work somehow. You were all I wanted—all I’ve ever wanted—but things happened so fast, and I got swept up in my life with Sophia and I couldn’t keep my feet on the ground. I told myself my life with her was meant to be.” I step closer, the heat of our bodies penetrating against the rain. “I convinced myself I didn’t love you any more than a best friend, but the truth is, I never stopped. I love that your mind runs wild, even if it frustrates me at times. I love that you hum when you’re nervous. That you think eating cheesy beans is one of the best meals anyone can have. How you leave wet towels on the floor and dance around too loud music when getting ready. And I swear to you, you never have been and never will be a rebound, Edith Kennedy because I am totally, completely and utterly in-fucking-love with you.”
A tearful chuckle leaves her. “Do you mean that? ”
“Every damn word.”
Her hands glide up my chest. Her voice now low. “But I pushed you away. I hurt you.”
“For reason’s she made you believe. You were protecting the people you love because that’s what you do. And I should have never gone behind your back. I should have listened. But none of that matters now. All that matters is us and what we both want.”
I should have seen it. I should have known something wasn’t making sense, but I was too caught up in how hurt I was when she told me to walk away.
The urge to kiss her is too great. Pulling her closer, her hot breath bounces off my lips. But I need to hear her final words before kissing the living hell out of her.
“Please, Edie,” I murmur. “Say you’ll be mine.”
She hesitates for a moment before she says six words that make my heart burst with more love for her than I’ve ever felt.
“I’m yours. I’ve always been yours.”
I press my lips to hers and kiss her with a slow sweet rhythm, as though I’m savouring every last moment. Her arms wrap around me, and I hold on to her like my life depends on it.
So much has happened this week. So much emotion has consumed me today, and in the depths of my devastation, something beautiful has grown .
Even though my heart will never be the same after losing Milo, I know the only person who can heal the open wounds of his loss is the very woman that is holding me now.
She changed me as a young man many years ago, and she’s changed me as a grown man now.
There’s no way in hell I’m letting her go again.