Chapter 37
Chapter
Thirty-Seven
Edith
“ O h, God. I’ve forgotten what fresh air feels like,” I breathe, inhaling the country air, fresh flowers and farmland grass.
“You act like me and your dad have kept you hostage,” Daisy says, linking her arm in mine as we head down the country lane.
“Because you have. I even had to tell you when I was going to the bathroom at one point.”
“Because you were still going dizzy when you stood up. And it was better that I helped you pull your knickers up than your dad. You should be thanking me instead of taking my friendship for granted.” She grins.
The pain isn’t as strong as it was a week ago, but my neck is the most tender out of everything. I can move now, which is a blessing, but sometimes when I forget and move too quickly, it catches me off guard.
“I’ll never take you for granted. But keep those toasted waffles coming. You can make me those anytime.”
Both Dad and Daisy have been great, but seriously, I’d been starting to go crazy being stuck in the house. Things with Dad have changed dramatically over the week, and where I feared I’d lost him forever I’ve been proved wrong. He’s been here every day since, whether it be to make me dinner or just simply stopping by to bring me milk. So much has happened that my head is still spinning.
After I’d confessed all my feelings to him it had felt like a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders, and I’d finally seen some light at the end of a very dark tunnel. He’d returned a few hours later and announced he had made contact with his solicitor and also spoken—or rather argued—with Lorna. When he’d informed her that he knew of my accident, she’d played the best motherly role possible, asking him what she could do to help, until she realised he knew of her part in it all.
So much has happened over the week that I’m still finding it hard to get my head around. I can’t help feeling responsible for everything falling apart, no matter whose relationship you look at. However, it seems me bearing the brunt of Lorna’s actions, has given dad the out that he’d been searching for. I’m not by any means thrilled he’s wanting to end his marriage, but at the same time, he deserves happiness. Knowing he’s been suffering in silence all these years had been hard to hear. It’s sad really that Lorna and Sophia turned out to be as bad as each other when in the beginning, they’d both seemed so… honourable.
“Have you heard any more from the police?” Daisy asks.
“Not since the other day. She’s been released and had strict instructions not to come near me. So hopefully she’ll take that on board.”
“She would think twice about approaching you now. Especially when I’m around.” She does a ridiculous karate impression that makes me laugh.
After the shock of the accident and everything that has happened, anger had taken its toll. Hatred and frustration had burned through my body in response to what she had put me through. The only thing standing in the way of changing that was me.
So with the encouragement of Dad and Daisy, I did the very thing Joel was trying to get me to do all along and went to the police.
For her first offence, she is likely to get nothing more than a fine. And the fact she knows a lot of people in very high places when it comes to the law, I’m not even sure she will get that.
“Jesus, can this week get any worse. Dickhead at ten o’clock,” Daisy sighs.
I look over to find Leon approaching, and I’m already irritated. I’ve not seen him since the night Joel hit him.
“Edith. How are you?”
“What do you want?” Daisy steps in.
He gives her a sly look before looking back at me. “I heard what happened. Are you okay?”
“You are Lorna are best pal so why should you care?”
“Whatever Lorna did, I played no part in that. The first I heard of it was after she was released from questioning. I just wanted to check you were okay.”
“Why do I smell bullshit?” Daisy asks, sniffing the air.
“There’s no bullshit, Daisy. I’m being serious.” He turns to me and there’s a look of compassion in his eyes. I’ve not seen that for a long time, so I’m inclined to believe he is being genuine.
“I’m okay, Leon. Shocked and sore, but I will be fine. After everything you’ve said and done, though, you can see why we are sceptical of your sudden concern.”
He nods. “And I get it. Listen, can we talk? There are things you need to know.”
I’m in no mood to, but something tells me I need to hear what he’s got to say.
I give Daisy a knowing look, and she rolls her eyes at me before turning to Leon. “Upset her and I will break you.” She saunters off and leaves us to it.
Silence falls between us, and he rubs the back of his neck. “I need to explain myself, but I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Start with the truth, Leon. No more lies.”
He nods but doesn’t look at me. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he hesitates before saying. “When you said that our relationship was built on lies—my lies. That was true. Before I met you, I was in trouble. Money trouble. I told myself it was under control.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Gambling.” He looks at me now, with shame in his eyes. “I hid it from you. I hid it from everyone, trying to figure out a way to get out of the hole I’d found myself in, but nothing seemed to work and everything spiralled. At that point, I had loan sharks on my back, so ended up turning to Lorna for help… Then she turned to Sophia.”
I lean back against the stone wall, not liking where this is going.
“You went to them and not me.”
“I was out of my depth—”
“You should have talked to me,” I grit out.
“I wish I had, and I regret not. But I was ashamed. Asking them for help… Well it turned into a game for them.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “How do you mean?”
“In order for them to help me, I had to break you.”
All the air leaves my lungs, and I grip onto the wall needing it for support as I recall the pawn in their game. “Caroline.”
“I’m so sorry, Edith. I’m not proud of myself. Believe me. I loved you. I really did, but I was consumed with so much debt. The nights in the office, the weekends away… I made out I was working when in reality, I was hiding who I was from you.”
Oh my god…
“You loved me but you cheated on me?” Anger grips my chest. “You hurt me in the worst possible way, Leon. You could have saved all that pain by talking to me.”
“I know but I was desperate, Edith. I lost control of everything, and once they had their claws in… I don’t need to elaborate. You know what they were like. I needed to escape the life I was in, and I couldn’t see another way out.”
“So why come back?” I blurt, not wanting to hear anymore but needing to know why he’s here—why he’s back under Lorna’s wing when he knows what she is capable of. “Why are you here now, Leon?”
“I needed Lorna’s help with my case because regardless of her flaws, she’s damn good at her job. We both know that. Only I never learn, and soon enough I was walking the same road of blackmail again. She suggested I came to you for the reference, stir up old wounds and—”
“Cause trouble for me and Joel.” I sigh, looking across the field. “Now it all makes sense.”
“That night at your house… I’m sorry, Edith. I was jealous, angry with myself—”
“I get it.”
“I lost everything when I lost you. And after I saw you and Joel together, I realised how badly I messed things up.” He pauses. “I was jealous seeing you two together—knowing we could have had that if I hadn’t had been so stupid. I saw in your eyes that you were happy with him, and because of that, I didn’t want to do what Lorna was asking of me.” Unexpectedly, he takes my hand and holds my gaze. “I’m not asking you to forgive what I’ve done, Edith. Because it’s unforgiveable. But I need you to find it in your heart to somehow understand that I was out of control with myself and my situation, which led me to making bad choices. I just lost my way.”
Tears glass his eyes.
All this time I’ve believed that his affair was because of me—that I was the problem. How wrong I was. Power and money never work well together, and this is why I loathe wealth and hated how Sophia bragged about it.
I’ve wanted closure over what happened with Leon, and in many ways, I’ve got it, yet my heart aches at how I’ve been used by the two people who I’d considered family.
Why would they do this to me?
Why did they hate me so much?
For the first time, I believe him. I know how manipulative Lorna and Sophia could be. I’ve become victim to them many times, especially when it came to Joel. I could shout and scream at Leon for being so stupid and na?ve, but what good will that do? It won’t change anything.
Feeling exhausted, I look at him, needing this all to end now.
“You made bad choices—ones we could have worked out together.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I should have confided in you instead of—”
“I don’t hate you. I can see you were desperate and desperation leads to stupidity.”
“Thank you,” he murmurs. “That means more than—”
“But I can’t forgive you for what you did, Leon. You broke my heart.” I sigh and kick at the floor with my shoe. “I hope you learn from your mistakes.”
“I’m getting there.” He smiles before his eyes turn serious. “I would never have told Lorna about you and Joel, you know.”
“Whatever was or wasn’t said, it’s done now. Lorna would have been pissed no matter who told her.”
“That’s true.”
I look back at him, thinking about why he came to my house that night to begin with. “I appreciate everything you’ve told me today, but this doesn’t mean I’m going to be writing you a reference.”
He holds his hands up. “And I accept that. It was wrong of me to even ask. I have a new lawyer, and he’s pretty good. I won’t be asking Lorna for any further help. Not after what she’s done.”
I smile flatly. I do appreciate what he’s said, but I can’t forgive the stress he’s put me through, either. Not just after we split up but of late and forcing me to tell Dad of mine and Joel’s relationship before we were ready. But he’s done the decent thing and apologised.
Not wanting to get in any further conversation with him, I look over at Daisy, seeing her now heading in our direction.
“Well, I should get going.” I smile. “Thank you, Leon. I hope it goes well in court.”
As we walk off, and I feel Daisy’s eyes on me. “I hope it goes well in court. Dude, you really took a bump to the head didn’t you?”
I laugh. “Don’t be like that.”
“What did he want anyway?”
“To explain what happened between us. Which I don’t want to talk about right now.”
“Well whatever his reasons, if he hadn’t have done that you wouldn’t have been with Joel.”
“True.” I sigh.
I look out across the fields and the dark grey clouds that threaten to douse the countryside with rain, trying to get my head around everything that has happened. It’s just one thing after another and I’m exhausted.
“You okay?” Daisy asks.
“Yeah. Just tired. I’ve not been sleeping much because of the pain.”
She stops, turning to face me. “Is it that or is it because I’ve just brought up you and Fitz?”
I rest my back against the wall as Daisy looks out over the fields behind me. I’ve tried so hard not to think of Joel this past week, and with the stuff that’s been going on, I’ve not always had the chance. But it’s in the quietest of moments, the seconds between Dad leaving the living room and coming back with a brew, the never-ending discomfort of slipping into the bed at night alone…It’s in those moments he invades my thoughts so strongly I find it hard to breathe. My heart pounds against my rib cage. It’s a hollow ache in the depths of my soul, and the growing need to feel him on my skin. I hate those moments because it makes me realise just how hard all of this is.
I miss his touch. His smell. His voice.
“I miss him, Daze,” I admit softly. “My body may physically be recovering, but my heart seems more battered more than anything else and the recovery will be endless. ”
“It doesn’t have to be endless. You can change all of this.”
“But I’m scared. I can’t lose him.”
“You already have by pushing him away.” Her tone is soft compared to the heated argument we’d had over him before. “I know you did this to protect him, and your dad but that’s all resolved now. At this point, there isn’t any reason for you to not be together. Your dad is fine with it, Lorna is out of the picture and can’t hurt you anymore. Unless you still believe Joel will?”
I look away from her. The words from Lorna still in at the forefront of my thoughts. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
“Which is why you need to talk to him. Look at what it is doing to you, Edith. You’re not sleeping. Your emotions are all over the place, and don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’re skipping meals. You may be able to fool your dad but not me.”
I can’t help but smirk. “You are such a nurse.”
“Maybe. But I’m being serious. Daniel said he’s not in a good place either.”
I look at her this time. “Have you two been talking about us behind our backs?”
“Someone has to talk about it, even if you pair close ranks and remain silent. Do you really believe you can go back to the way things were and just stay friends?”
“We’ve been friends a lot longer than we haven’t.”
“And exchanging declarations of love was never part of that. That changes everything and you know it. The friendship you’ve made yourself believe you’re going to have with Joel isn’t going to be that simple.”
I know it’s not. It’s going to be far from simple, and we are far from where we were as friends. But I have to try and make it work. Giving him space has given me hope that our time apart will ease our feelings—hope that things look a little simpler than they did in the hospital and help him understand that my decision was right. Even if that was a lie.
But no matter how much I tell myself that hope and distance are all I need to make this right, I know it never will be. And that scares me more than anything.
“You made your decision based on what some psychopath told you to do to make things right. To make your dad happy, and because she threatened to do bad things if you didn’t. But look where this has all ended, Edith. Even though your dad still has a long way to go, he’s happier now than I have seen him in years.”
“So I made the right call. ”
“In some ways yes. But has your dad ever once told you that he never wanted you and Joel to be together?”
I look away from her because if anything he’s told me the opposite. “No.”
“So why are you holding back? What is stopping you from having everything you’ve deserved to have? Joel would never and has never rejected you. Look at all the times he’s been at your side fighting your corner. Even if his wife happened to be on the other side of the boxing ring. He loves you, Edith. Stop letting the words of a witch spoil your future.”
I think about what she has said. I love him more than anything. And it hurts. Being without him hurts to the very depths of my core.
“You think I should talk to him?”
“I think you shouldn’t even be asking me this question.” She smiles.
I blow out a heavy breath, anxious at the thought of seeing him because I know my love for him will smack me in the face the very second my eyes find his.
“Okay,” I whisper.
She grins. “Excellent. But before you do anything, you could do with washing your hair. There’s only so much dry shampoo a girl can use.”
“Well excuse me for falling down some stairs. I wasn’t allowed to get my cut wet because of the glue. ”
“You didn’t fall, you were pushed. But regardless of that, you’re not selling yourself as a beauty therapist right now. Tramp is more appropriate.”
“Carry on the way you are and I’ll push you in front of Daniel’s car.” I point behind her and her eyes widen.
She grins. “The savageness from the Kennedy.”
I laugh just as Daniel’s car pulls up at the side of the road.
“Hey, Daniel,” Daisy says. “What have you been up to?”
“I’ve just come from Joel's.” The look on his face suggests something isn’t right, and it only confirms it when I notice Teddy crying in the back seat.
“Is everything alright?” I ask.
“No.”
My heart stops with his words and a cold rush plummets my body. The four words that fall from his mouth next have me pushing all my feelings aside and rushing towards Joel’s house without hearing anything else.
“Edith, he needs you.”
A s I enter Joel’s, my feelings are all over the place. What makes the anxiety roll in my stomach is not the thought of seeing him again, it’s the silence of the house and that sense that something is wrong. I can feel it in my bones as chills cover my skin.
Closing the door, so many scenarios race through my mind along with the sensation of how familiar the surroundings are. This may have been his and my sister’s home, but these last few weeks, I’ve come to call this place my own. I’ve spent so many hours here over the years, but since being with Joel, I feel it’s more our place than it ever was his and Sophia’s.
Yet when I walked down the hall, I notice something is missing.
Milo. Where is Milo?
He would have greeted me by now, regardless of whether Joel was here or not. The little taps of his claws against the laminate would have got my attention as his tail wagged with a welcome.
My stomach twists.
As I enter the kitchen, the lump in my throat thickens.
Still no Milo.
I find Joel sitting on a kitchen chair, his elbows on his knees, his muscles flexing on his bare back. The sight of him has the hammering in my chest beat faster. When my eyes drop and I see Milo’s collar entwined in his hands, tears sting the backs of my eyes.
“Joel?” I say tenderly.
He doesn’t answer.
The urge to hold him is immense. The feel of his skin on mine a thirst I’ve been depriving myself of. But none of that matters right now because as he looks up and I catch the distraught look in his red-rimmed eyes and see the single tear fall, the agony in my heart matches his and my throat burns.
“No,” I whisper, shaking my head. “Please. No.”
“My boy has gone, Edie. I’ve lost him forever.”
His voice is laced with devastation, my own heart now exploding as I make my way to him. When he pulls me towards him and wraps his arms around my waist, resting his head against my stomach, we both fall apart, grieving the loss of our beautiful Milo while I loathe myself for not being there for him when I should have been.