Chapter 36
Chapter
Thirty-Six
Joel
I look at the vet as if he’s just said something to me in a foreign language when the word he’s spoken is not foreign at all.
I’d been sitting in the waiting room for hours while they ran tests—not wanting to leave him. My anxiety is through the roof, and watching other dogs come and go quickly brought home just how slow Milo has become of late. He’s old, which plays a massive part in that, but it seems I have missed something I didn’t know I should have been looking for when I hear Mr White’s words.
“Cancer,” he says again softly. “Milo has a large tumour in his abdomen.”
My blood runs cold with the realisation that I hadn’t misheard what he’d said the first time.
I look back at Milo, now exhausted, as I stroke him.
My boy has cancer.
Cancer.
“Shit,” I breathe. Trying to get my head around the shock that has just wrapped itself around my body like I have the disease myself. “But… I should have seen some signs, right? Why have I not seen the signs?”
“The slowing down, the stiffness in his joints, the recent sickness and lack of appetite— even though he’s still eating—are all signs. He’s lost quite a bit of weight since you were last here.”
I close my eyes as guilt kicks me in the gut. I’ve not brought him in for his yearly check up since Sophia died.
This is all my fault.
“I just thought it was his age,” I whisper. “I’ve neglected him.”
“No. Milo’s symptoms are common with age, too. It’s not your fault that you put it down to that. ”
I grip onto the edge of the examination table and look down at the floor. I should have seen the signs. I should have known. Now he’s suffering because of me. This is the worst thing I expected him to say, but I can fix this. I have to fix this.
Amongst the darkness that I’ve now fallen into, I see a small glimmer of hope. I have to find the positives in of this. People recover from this all the time, so there’s no reason dogs can’t.
Taking a deep breath, I blow it out, nodding with more positivity than before.
“Okay. What’s the treatment plan?” I ask, turning back to Mr White.
There is no optimism in his eyes, and my positivity bursts like a popped balloon. “Joel. Milo is in the advanced stages—”
“But there’s treatment,” I urge, not liking his answer. “It can be treated.”
“Yes. There are treatment options, but with the stage that Milo’s cancer is at, he has a less than six months survival rate.”
My heart stops.
I can’t breathe.
Six months.
Six months.
That’s one hundred and eighty-two days .
My legs go weak, and I step back, falling into the hardback plastic chair. My throat is dry and my body trembles as tears sting my eyes. This can’t be right. It can’t be happening.
“What are you saying?” I ask, dreading what I believe is likely to come next.
Mr White crouches in front of me, and I can hear the sorrow in his voice when he places a comforting hand on my shoulder and says. “Given Milo’s age and the stage that the cancer is at. I would consider euthanasia.”
“No. No, no, no.” My head falls into my hands as the rawness burns through my chest with his words. My heart feels like it’s wrapped in a weighted noose, pulling it tight with every breath.
I can’t lose him. I just can’t.
He’s all I have left.
Why do I keep losing everyone I love?
“There’s got to be another way?” I whisper through my tears.
“If there was, you know I would tell you. His cancer is too advance for treatment. And as the months go on, he’s just going to suffer.”
I shake my head, pulling at my hair and not wanting to believe that this is it for us. Twelve years together, and it’s all going to end in a few short seconds. He’s the only loyal friend I have in my life. Everything I’ve done he’s been at my side. He was even at my goddam wedding.
A sorrowful whine comes from Milo as if he knows his fate, and I look at him. My stomach feels like it has already been ripped out, knowing I have to make this gut-wrenching decision.
“I’m sorry.” I say to Mr White, wiping my eyes with the balls of my hands, trying to pull myself together when all I want to do is hide away and pretend that this isn’t my life right now.
“Don’t apologise. I understand this is hard news.”
“What would you do if you were me?”
His flat smile and sympathetic eyes answer for him. “To save Milo being in any further discomfort, I would go ahead with the euthanasia.”
I slam my eyes shut. There’s no way out of this. Not for me and certainly not for my boy. I know Mr White is right, but fuck me… This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
How can I end his life when he is mine?
I feel sick with guilt, regret, love and fear—so much fear racing around me right now because I know that there is no turning back. And the worst part of all is knowing that come this evening, he won’t be laid at my feet. He won’t be waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs in the morning and he won’t be there to comfort me when I need him the most.
But I can’t think of myself anymore. I have to do what is right for him, even if it’s tearing me apart. The last thing I want is for him to be in pain.
“Okay,” I whisper, giving my consent for him to go ahead while I break down all over again.
“Is there anyone you want to be with you before we go ahead?”
Edith.
I want her here with me more than anything because I’m not strong enough to do this on my own. But she doesn’t want to be with me.
I close my eyes and whisper as the tears roll down my face. “No. It’s just me.”
“Okay. I’ll give you a minute to says goodbye.” Mr White steps out of the room and I look down at Milo.
I’m completely numb. I just want to take my boy home. I want to hold him tight for as long as I can. But I know if I do that, I’ll never let him go.
“So this is how it ends, huh?” I whisper, stroking him down. “You leave me now and I do what? Just leave and go home to a place where you belong?” I wipe my tears away with the back of my hand as Milo let’s out a little whine. “I can’t leave here without you, Milo. How am I going to do that? How can I— "
The words get stuck in my throat and I turn away from him finding it hard to breathe.
I didn’t sign up for this—this deep, razor-edge feeling that I’m becoming all too familiar with. First Sophia. Then Edith and now Milo. I may not have lost Edith completely, but it sure as hell feels like she’s no longer here. And I’ve only got myself to blame for that.
Now in a matter of minutes, I’ll be left with nothing and my God doesn’t my heart know it.
I don’t know how long we’ve been alone but when Mr White steps back into the room, it’s not long enough. My stomach knots and I feel sick. Everything seems to be happening in slow motion yet moving so fast I find it hard to breathe.
I can see Mr White doing his job out of the corner of my eyes, and Milo looks up at me as if he knows what he’s facing. He looks scared. He looks lost. And I’m feeling the very same.
It was the same the first day I found him: lost and hungry in a battered out barn after he was abandoned. I’d declared him mine from that very moment, and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.
My gut twists and my chest doubles with pressure when I sense Mr White turn towards us. My throat is clogged as fresh tears sting my eyes as I nod in agreement that he can proceed .
Leaning over, I comfort my boy and ruffle my fingers under his ears as I rest my forehead against his.
“I love you, Milo. You remember that, okay? You’re my big, brave puppy dog. You go and rest in those heavenly gardens now. The ones where the sun is shining and the birds are singing. You’ve always loved the sunshine,” I whisper, my tears falling heavy, each word harder to speak. “I will see you again, okay. One day I’ll be standing by your side again, just like always. I promise. I love you, Milo.”
Everything around us falls silent, and when his eyes close, I break.