Chapter 35
Chapter
Thirty-Five
Joel
“ U ncle Fitz!” Teddy shouts, frantically waving before he starts running towards me. I glance back at Milo, who is a few feet away and going at a snail’s pace, encouraging him on. Where our walks were once a few hours, they are nothing more than minutes now.
“Uncle Fitz! Uncle Fitz!” I turn back, grinning at the enthusiasm Teddy has, his mop of blonde hair bouncing around as he runs. He’s wearing shorts and a slogan T-shirt that provides a ‘To Do List’. Daniel isn’t that far behind him, and Ted’s little face makes everything seem alright when it’s far from that.
It’s only been a week since I last saw Edith, but it feels like an eternity.
I’ve not texted.
I’ve not called.
That above all has been one of the hardest things.
We talk every day, no matter what, but right now, I just can’t bring myself to reach out because I’m fucking hurt. Her rejection feels like deja vu, only this time it cut deeper.
“Catch me.”
Bending down with my arms out, Teddy jumps into me. Wrapping my arms around him tight, I fall to the ground playfully, and his little laugh fills the air.
“Oh, scamp. You are just too strong for me. Have you been eating those green beans again?”
“And my carrots. Dad said if I eat them I can see in the dark.”
“And can you?”
“I’ll let you know next time I go to bed. But so far, when I stick my head under my covers, I can’t see Jack.”
I cough out my laugh and divert his comment into something playful. “You can’t see Jack? Does he go by the name of Jackasaurus? ”
He giggles. “No, silly. There are no dinosaurs called that.”
“Oh, okay.” I smile “Anyway, why aren’t you at school?”
“Because it’s Saturday. I want to play football with you on the field.”
My eyes widen playfully when I’m feeling anything but fun inside. “You do, huh? Is that on your to-do list? Let me see that.”
He lifts himself a little and I read out aloud what is on his top. “Make loud noises. Eat cake. Be Awesome.”
“And all of the above,” he says, finishing off the slogan on his T-shirt. “Can we go play now?”
“That depends on how loud you’re going to be,” I tease, tickling him.
“Are you two having fun down there?” Daniel asks, standing over us holding a football, and it’s now that I register we are still laid in the middle of the road. Thank God for a quiet village.
“Ted was just telling me he’s been kissing the girls at school.”
A loud gasp comes from the little wriggle monster laid on top of me, followed by a disgusted child-like tone that has both Daniel and me laughing. “Take that back, Mister.”
Getting up, I check out where Milo has got to before we head off. Only he hasn’t made much progress at all. “I might have to take Milo home before we head to the field.”
“No,” Teddy whines. “Please let him come, Uncle Fitz. I want him to play.”
“I don’t think you’ll get much play out of him today, scamp.”
“I still want him to come.”
I’m a sucker for his little face, and I give into him in seconds. “Okay. But I’ll need to give him a hand to get there.” Walking over to Milo, I scoop him up in my arms and the look in his eyes is as if he’s thanking me. He’s not as heavy as he used to be, his bones seem more prominent and they dig into my body as I carry him. He was also sick a couple times yesterday, but he’s still eating and drinking, which is what gives me comfort.
As we make our way to the field, Teddy runs on ahead, dribbling the football as he goes. It’s hot out today, and even though the sun is warm on my skin, I’m not feeling the love for the sunny days.
“I’m surprised to see you out.” Daniel says, turning his head to look at me. I've barely seen anyone over the past week. The most I’ve seen is the bottom of a whiskey bottle and even that hasn’t solved my problems. “You haven’t been down the pub in ages. ”
“I’m not in the mood for socialising.”
“So what’s today all about?”
“A rare occurrence, and to let people know I’m not dead.”
He laughs. “You could have just texted that.”
I smile, but Teddy’s question causes it to plummet as he stops mid-run and shouts. “Can we see if Edith wants to come play with us?”
I feel my brother look at me. And then he speaks to Teddy. “She still a little poorly, Ted. Maybe next time.”
I swallow hard, the vision of her that’s invaded my thoughts robbing me of my words. Once we enter the field and come to the bench, I place Milo down and he slowly investigates the surroundings while I take a seat.
“Dad, can you be in goal?”
“You play on your own for a minute, bud. I need to talk to Uncle Fitz.”
I can feel Daniel’s eyes burning into me, and I know he’s waiting to fire questions. I’ve not gone into detail with anyone about why Edith broke it off.
“She’s out of her sling,” he says, finally. “Daisy said she’s getting better.”
I nod, picking at the wood on the bench. “That’s great.”
“Do you wanna talk—”
“No,” I say, cutting him off. “I don’t want to talk about it. Talking about it changes nothing and only intensifies the hole that has blown through my chest because no matter what I say or what I do, it will never be enough. Not for her. Not for anyone.”
“And you believe that? That you’re not enough for her?”
“I don’t know what to believe anymore, but she’d rather save her dad’s marriage than fight for anything we have.”
“Maybe she’s just confused and needs time to get her head around stuff. We all know she overthinks shit at times.”
“Well, this time she’s fucking overreacting.” I look over at Milo who has now reached Teddy. Maybe she does need time. All she had to do was voice it and I would have accepted that. But what about me? What do I do in the meantime while I wait for her to get her shit together?
“You heard about Lorna?”
I let out a heavy breath. He’s not dropping the twenty questions anytime soon. “What about her?”
“She was arrested.”
I look at him, confused. “What?”
“Daisy told me the other night. Edith is pressing charges.”
She did it .
Somewhere in the depths of my battered soul, a flicker of happiness lights up inside. But that’s quickly burnt out because now I’m utterly disappointed.
I shake my head. “So all that ‘I went behind her back’ crap was for nothing because she went and did it anyway.”
“Maybe she wasn’t ready at the time.”
“So why not just say that!” I bang my fist on the bench. “All she had to do was say that. But instead she said it would just bring more trouble to her door and put more pressure on her dad.”
“And maybe she was right. Maybe it would have caused more upset, but by doing it her way she’s had a chance to talk with Gerald first.”
“Why are you so keen to defend her?” I say in frustration.
“Because it’s Edith.”
“So you’re on her side?”
“I’m not on anyone side, Joel, because I love you both. But just for a second get your head out of your arse and look at it from her side.” He fires back. “You announce you’re together and the next thing her dad goes to ground while her stepmother attacks her. She’s bound to be confused and getting Lorna arrested at the time would have only made things worse in her opinion, and if I’m being honest, I agree with her on that. She needed your love and understanding, yet the first thing you do is go behind her back.”
“I did it to protect her!” I yell.
“Which I get. But she doesn’t see it that way,” he argues. “In Edith’s eyes, you’ve just made matters worse when it comes to her dad because just like you want to protect her, she wants to protect him. And you took that from her.”
I slam my hands on the bench once more and get up, stepping away from him as I grip the nape of my neck, annoyed to shit that my little brother has just given me a dressing down.
Maybe he’s right. I hadn’t seen things from Edith’s point when I called the police. I’d just seen red and wanted revenge on the woman who hurt my girl. Lorna’s got away with shit for years, and I’d wanted that to stop. So maybe the phone call was for my benefit and not Edith’s. Who fucking knows anymore because I don’t.
Now that Daniel has given me the third degree, I can see his point in Edith wanting to protect Gerald, and maybe in the heat of the moment that never came across or I was too blind to understand it.
But that’s only because I love her.
I was doing what I thought was best because of her .
I rub my hands over my face, realising what I’ve done. “Fuck. I’ve made a total mess of this haven’t I?”
“Just a little bit. Just give her time.”
“I don’t think that will be enough,” I say, sitting on the grass before laying back to look up at the clear blue sky. She was adamant. And when she held her chest and said she needed to protect her heart, the agony in her voice was like I’d ripped it out and dragged it through muddy waters.
“You’re just like mum. You know that?” I say, looking at my brother with one eye closed against the bright sun.
He laughs. “Why, because I call you out on shit?”
“That and the fact you have this way of making everything seem better even when it’s far from it.”
“You get to look at life from a different perspective when you grow up. You should try it.”
“Dick head.”
I rethink everything that he’s said and realise he’s right: I have jumped in with both feet and not thought about Edith the way she’d wanted me to. I did what I did to protect her from Lorna, but I’ve hurt her in the process because she needed me in other ways. What if she’ll never forgive me?
“What if I’ve broken what can’t be fixed?” I ask. “What if Edie and I are never the same?”
“You will be.”
“How are you so sure?”
“Because she loves you. She always has.”
I turn my head to look at him. “You knew, too?”
“Well, being on my side of the bar gives you the perfect opportunity to watch people. But I saw the way she looked at you long before that. It’s been there since we were kids.”
I turn my attention to the sky again, and my mind goes back to that night I took her for a drive. Edie had said that Sophia knew she loved me but I’ve never thought to question it. I had got to the stage where I’d convinced myself that my feelings for Edie was platonic love because of my relationship with her sister. I’d just assumed it was the same for her. She’d given me her blessing with Sophia. She’d even come with me to choose my wedding outfit…
“She watched me marry her sister,” I state, the reality of it all coming to the forefront of my mind.
“And while everyone was watching you and Sophia having your first dance, I found Edith outside crying. I still to this day don’t believe that she had something in her eye.” He gives me a knowing look. “I’m telling you, man. You married the wrong sister.”
The sound of little feet shuffling along the grass catches my attention, and Teddy comes to stand over me, heavy breathing from all his running. “Uncle Fitz, what are you doing?”
“I’m looking at life from a different perspective, scamp.”
He wrinkles his nose up. “What does that mean?”
“It means he’s trying to figure things out a different way to normal,” Daniel answers.
“Do you have to do that by laying down?”
I smile. “You can if you want to.”
Teddy looks ahead and frowns. “Is that what Milo is doing? Because he’s not got up since he fell down.”
I bolt upright and look over at Milo in the middle of the field. “He fell down?”
“Yeah. His legs got really shaky and then he just fell—”
I’m running over to him before Teddy has even finished. Bending down, I stroke his head and he looks up at me as if he’s apologising that he hasn’t made it.
“Hey boy. What are you doing down here?”
My chest is tight with panic, and that weighted feeling of dread I’ve felt from time to time comes back, only this time a lot heavier than before.
“Shall we get you up and moving?” I step over him so he’s between my legs and lift him to his feet. His legs are shaking and unsteady like a newborn pup taking his first steps. Only Milo doesn’t take any, and the only reason he’s still standing is because I’m holding him up.
“Come on, boy,” I say softly.
Daniel and Teddy are with me now, Teddy chanting his name and encouraging him on like he’s the last one in the race.
“Come on Milo. You can do it. You can do it!” But when he goes to take a step and I release him, he falls back to the ground.
My heart drops like a dead weight.
“What’s wrong with him, Uncle Fitz?” Teddy asks, his voice sounding as sad as my heart feels right now.
“I think he’s just tired, bud,” my brother replies, but the look in his eye when he glances at me tells me he’s worried.
“I’m going to take him to the vet to get him checked out.”
“The vet,” Teddy gasps as if it’s the best thing I’ve said all week. “Can I come?”
“Not today, scamp,” I say. “Uncle Fitz needs to talk to the vet.”
“You want me to drive you there?”
“No. I’ll take him back to mine and get the car.”
“You sure you’ll be alright?”
That’s the million-dollar question right now, especially when it comes to Milo. Because if anything happens to him…
“I’ll be fine.” I pick up my boy and head back through the field, feeling sick to my stomach before I’ve even got anywhere.