Chapter 34
Chapter
Thirty-Four
Edith
“ T here. Are you comfy?” Daisy asks, propping up my pillows as I lay back on the sofa.
“I’m good. Thank you.”
I was discharged from the hospital this morning and sent home with medication, strict instructions not to overdo it and a broken heart that I only have myself to blame for.
Having Joel believe that I’ve ended things because of Dad isn’t a lie, but it’s also so far from the truth. I can’t be his mistake because where would we go from that?
It’s better to end things now while it’s still new than to have it blow up in our faces years later. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and hope this agony that I’ve put on my heart passes faster than I believe it will.
“Can I get you anything?” Daisy asks. She’s been amazing, and I don’t know what I would have done without her. After finishing her shift last night, she’d found me on the ward I’d been moved to and held me close while I cried my heart out. When I woke in the early hours, she’d been asleep in the chair beside the bed, still holding my hand.
“No. I’m good, thanks.”
I look at my battered phone on the coffee table. I’ve still not heard from Dad. And the last voicemail that Joel left me, telling me he loves me, had torn my heart to shreds.
A part of me wants to text him to let him know I’m home. Then I think twice about it because I don’t know if that will give him hope for something that cannot be.
“You know, it’s okay to admit that you’ve made a mistake. Joel will understand.”
I close my eyes not wanting to head down this road she is forever trying to get me to re-walk. “Can we not talk about this again, please.”
“All I’m saying is—”
“I know what you’re saying. Don’t you think I’ve thought about it, too? Nothing is going to make any difference, Daze.”
“So you’re willing to throw away the man you love just to protect your dad?”
“I did what was right.”
“You did what she wanted.”
“Because I had no other choice!” I hold my hand to my forehead, trying to ease the pounding. All my crying has not helped. Everything is just a mess, and I don’t know which direction to head in first.
“What else did she say to you, Edith?”
“Why does it matter?”
She folds her arms, protesting like some teen. “Because I believe it’s what you’re really hiding behind. Your dad is just an excuse, and Joel seems to be paying for it.”
“That is not what I’m doing here.” I glare at her. “What happened to the Daisy who let me cry on her shoulder while saying to me that she’ll help me through this?”
“That was last night where I was a nurse and you were a patient. Now we are at home and you are my housemate that is stupidly throwing the best thing in her life away all because her stepmother reared her ugly head.”
“It may have escaped your notice, Daisy, but that woman threw me down the fucking stairs,” I snap. I drag my eyes away as unshed tears sting.
What people don’t realise here is that along with all the heartbreak, I have the argument with Lorna replaying in my head. All those demons from my childhood and being the school target have come back full force, and I’m now facing the biggest bully of all in my adulthood. There will never be an escape from her, no matter what I do, and she’s making me feel like that little girl all over again—the one who had to constantly look over her shoulder; the one who was followed while vile names and objects were thrown at her by the older kids.
Leaving Joel may have allowed Lorna to win, but that doesn’t matter anymore. That saying about sticks and stones is bullshit because words do hurt. And they hurt deep.
“You weren’t there, Daisy. You didn’t hear what she said to me,” I murmur.
“Then tell me,” she says softly, now coming over to sit on the edge of the coffee table. “Stop bottling it all up.”
“It won’t change anything.”
“But it will be off your chest. You know you have to talk about this. What she did was a big deal, Edith. It was wrong, regardless of what was said and done.”
Maybe she’s right. Maybe if I talk about it the agony won’t be as intense. Maybe opening up will somehow make me think straight because right now I’m so fucking confused.
“She said I should have died in the accident not Sophia.”
“The fucking bitch. I would have slapped her for that.”
“I did,” I smile, half-heartedly.
“What else did she say?”
“That one day, Joel will wake up and realise that he doesn’t love me because it’s too soon after him losing Sophia and I’m nothing more than a consequence—a rebound. And then she said…” I swallow down the tears that threaten, the words on the tip of my tongue.
“What?”
“She said that if I didn’t end it with Joel then she would destroy everyone around me.”
She closes her eyes and her jaw muscles move, and it’s clear she’s worked me out in a second.
“So to protect everyone and your heart, you broke his first. Jesus, Edith,” she breathes.
“I had to do what was right.”
“So you’ve thrown everything between you two away when all you had to do was tell him what you’ve just told me? You’re insane sometimes, you know that?”
Even though her words are soft, they leave me irritated.
“No. Daisy, it’s called having too many years of doubt being put in your head. Lorna gets in my head, and I loathe that she does, but she has this way of sucking everything out of me, only this time there is nothing left. So no matter which way around I try and make this right, my answer is the same. I’m torn between protecting those I love, making Dad happy and waiting for Joel to potentially break my heart. So I’ve made it right on all parts by walking away first, and that is final. Please respect that.” I let out a heavy breath trying to keep my emotions in check because all my tears are not helping my damn headache.
But her reply hits hard and makes my lip quiver.
“But you deserve so much happiness, Edith.”
“Well everyone leaves me sooner or later, so I’ve saved Joel the bother. Now if you don’t mind. I’m tired.”
She stands there, with a look in her eyes that no doubt mirrors my own before she leaves me in silence. And soon enough my thoughts take over.
What I have done is right.
I just have to believe it.
I wake with a jolt and curse out loud with the pain, but when I open my eyes and they latch on the man who is watching me, everything from the last few days hits me full force, and I can’t contain the tears that escape.
“Dad.”
“Oh, darling.”
I sit up as he leaves the armchair and heads over to me, sitting beside me and wrapping his arms around me with an embrace that I’ve longed for.
Pulling back, he wipes his thumb under my eyes to remove my tears and smiles at me. “Better?” he whispers.
I nod. Only I’m not sure why he’s here and with not having spoken to him, I’m a little unnerved. “How long have you been here?”
“About an hour. I came as soon as I heard.”
I frown. “From whom? ”
“Joel. I wouldn’t be surprised if he woke the whole village with his erratic behaviour this morning.”
I look away from him, worried about what he meant by that. “What did he say to you?”
“Everything I wish I knew before.” He looks at my arm sling and I can see he’s trying hard to keep it together. “Darling, be honest with me. Was this her? Did she hurt you?”
If Joel has seen him, I do not doubt that he will have told Dad everything. And it’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him a lie but what’s the point anymore. Nothing will change the hurt I feel inside.
I nod, fighting the tears once more.
“Oh, Christ,” he whispers, closing his eyes briefly before he looks at me steady and true. “I want to know everything. And I mean everything, Edith.”
And as if I’ve opened a box of butterflies, everything spills out of my mouth: how as a child I’d often had to endure the back of her hand against my legs for reasons that I never understood; the verbal and emotional words that have forever been embedded in my mind; the belittling; the humiliations. How Sophia had always been the golden girl in her eyes and how I’d been made to feel nothing. I’d been constantly told I was never loved by her and that eventually Dad would see me for who I was and leave me, too. I tell him it all, no stone left unturned.
“She told me you never loved me like you loved Sophia.”
The agony that shines back at me from his eyes makes my heart break that little bit more. I’ve not seen him this vulnerable in years. If ever.
“No. Good lord, no. Edith, that was never the case.”
“But it felt like it,” I whisper, and my lip trembles. “Even though you’ve been there for me, sometimes it’s felt as though you were never there at all.”
Taking my hand, he cups it in both of his, holding my tearful gaze with his own. “I promise that I will never make you feel like that from now on. And I promise even more that I will not let Lorna hurt you ever again.”
“But you can’t promise something that is out of your control.”
“I can. You are my daughter, I should have put you before anyone else, and I’m so very sorry that I haven’t done that. But it stops now. It all ends now.”
I’m confused. A few words aren’t going to make the likes of Lorna back down, they didn’t last time. “How?”
“It’s over between us. ”
I shake my head. “But, Dad you… I don’t want you to end things with her because of me. I’m not a little girl anymore.”
“No. But you’re still my daughter.”
“I don’t want you to be unhappy.”
He chuckles. “I’m afraid it’s too late for that, Edith.”
He leaves the space beside me and stands, walking over to the window as though he needs to not look at me to continue. “When your mother died, I was devastated. I was suddenly left with this new bundle of life while the love of mine was gone forever. But with each day that sun shone, and the more I watched you grow, you got me through those dark times. Your mother would be so proud of you.”
“You hardly talk about her now Dad.”
“Because I’m never allowed to.” He sighs, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “When I met Lorna, she made me believe that it was okay to love again. She brought me hope, reassurance. But over time… Everything before her was never to be spoken of again. I had to look at your mothers’ photos in secret. I had to visit her grave when Lorna was in the city and any jewellery of hers that I had, I was told to get rid of. I didn’t want to pawn what was rightfully yours, so I put it all into storage and made out that I’d sold it all. ”
I run my fingertips over my chest where my necklace had been. “She stole my necklace,” I whisper, looking at him to find his eyes on me. “After she pushed me. She must have known it was Mum’s.”
“I’ve always known Lorna was a strong, independent woman. That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with her. But I’ve never liked the harsh behaviour she let loose at times.” He pauses. “You say you don’t want me to be unhappy, Edith, but the truth is, I’ve not known what happiness is for some time now. Marriages back in my time were built to last. You worked through the tough times. For better or for worse. Only I’ve been waiting for this tough time to end for many years. I’ve witnessed things that I should have put a stop to and I let things go over my head, telling myself that the look in your eyes wasn’t hurt.” He comes over to sit beside me again, taking my hand. “I’ve seen what she’d done and not only has she done it to you, but I’ve had a lifetime of it myself. I’ve been trapped and I’ve been blind. Sticking up for and siding with her became an easy habit. It made my life better, and before I knew it, I was agreeing to things I never wanted to be a part of. I thought I was protecting you when the truth is, I was protecting myself. And knowing now what she’s done gives me more ammunition. ”
“For what?”
“Filing for divorce.”
My eyes widen with his shock announcement. “Dad, she will take everything from you.”
“Maybe. But she will never take my daughter.” He cups my cheek. “I love you, Edith. So very much. And I’m so sorry for making you feel like I have. I’m going to make it right for you, and from now on, I’m putting you first—something I should have done long before now.”
“Dad,” I whisper. “You don’t have to do this for me.”
“I’m doing it because of you, Edith. I promised your mother I would protect you from the world. I’ve failed you too many times over the years, and I will never forgive myself for that.”
The last thing I’d wanted or expected from his visit was for it to end like this. I should be jumping for joy with his announcement, but I’m not. I’m not because even after everything he has said and how unhappy he is, I don’t want him to throw it all away because of me. That was never my intention with any of this.
“Are you sure about this?”
He kisses my hand. “Trust me. This is all I want. I meant what I said, Edith. You come first from now on. You should have always come first.”
“I love you, Dad,” I whisper.
“I love you too, sweetheart.” He wraps his arm around me and hugs me tight. Pain radiates my body and as much as I want to hold him, it’s too painful.
“Dad, not so tight.”
He pulls back realising his mistake, and melancholy clouds his eyes once more.
“She really did this to you?”
I nod.
“Why?”
“Because of me and Joel. Because of you.”
“Me?”
“She said that me being with Joel hurt you and it’s put you under a lot of stress. And with you not answering my calls and everything you said when we were at dinner, I believed her.”
“That’s not how it was.”
“You ignored me, Dad. And after everything you just told me, I get it. Maybe it was what you had to do to protect yourself, but you still turned your back on me. And that hurt.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Your words didn’t come as a shock but, at that moment, all I thought about was Lorna. We all know she still hasn’t accepted losing Sophia and your announcement was a massive knock for her. I hated what I did and I knew, I knew , I’d hurt you. But I had to steer Lorna in my direction. I had to make out I was on her side to spare you and Joel.”
I frown. “So you were never angry with us?”
“Never. But I had to make it look like I was siding with her to protect you.” He pauses. “But it seems I failed in that anyway with what she’s done to you.”
I look down at my toes trying to get my head around everything. Just when I think I’ve figured something out, I get hit with something else, and I can’t help but think all of this heartache I’ve put on myself and Joel has been for nothing. Dad has been on my side the whole time. If only I had known sooner.
He points to my sling. “What’s the damage?”
“Nothing that won’t heal. But the pain is only masking my broken heart,” I admit. “I’ve ended it with Joel.”
“Whatever for?”
If there is ever a time to get everything off my chest it’s now. I’ll lay my cards out on the table one by one and hope it will ease this godforsaken ache that is suffocating me. Whoever said love hurts wasn’t wrong. I just never realised it would be this painful either.
“Because I’m scared of losing him and Lorna has made me believe I could, but most of all, she threatened me. She told me that to make things right, I had to let him go or she would hurt everyone I love. So I pushed him away.” I cry. “I shouldn't have to give up the man I love to suit other people, Dad. I shouldn't have to give up my happiness because others don't approve. But I have. And what hurts most is that I've always loved Joel and both Lorna and Sophia knew that. They knew all along, right from when we were younger, and manipulated things to make him choose Sophia. My feelings never mattered, and now I’ve pushed him aside and broken his heart because of this fear of losing everyone I love—fear she put there.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” He pulls me into him, and I let out all the anguish I’ve been consuming for too long. I’m at a crossroads and I’m so confused about what to do.
Do I stay put?
Do I take a turn and hope it’s the right one?
Do I cross over into Joel’s space and hope he forgives me?
I’m still damaged after Leon and that, along with what Lorna has put in my head, has absorbed all the thinking space I have.
“I don’t know what to do, Dad. Tell me what to do,” I plead.
“Well, first of all, you need to give yourself time to recover. Second, you need to believe in yourself and not let Lorna put any more doubt in your mind and third, but most importantly. You need to follow your heart.”
“My heart is Joel.”
“Then there is your answer.” He kisses my forehead. “Everything will work out, Edith. You just need to have faith and be strong. I need my daughter back. The one who is not afraid to speak her mind. The one who is determined and does not let anyone stand in her way. I know she’s in there.”
“She’s stripped me of so much, Dad. I was in a good place and within seconds, she took it all.”
“So fight for it back. But before anything, you need to recover. You hear me?”
He’s right. I need to be the Edith that stands her ground—stand up to Lorna like I once did.
I don’t know if that is easier said than done. Each time she’s pulled me down, I’ve found it harder to stand back up, and now I don’t know if I have any strength left.
I nod, wiping my eyes. “Loud and clear.”
He smiles, standing. “Good. Now you rest up. I’ll be back before you know it.”
“Where are you going?”
“To fix one of the many things that are broken.” He stops in the doorway and his words mean more than anything. “I love you, Edith. More than you know.”
With that, he’s gone leaving one side of my heart feeling incredibly whole while the other is still shattered.