Chapter 55
Monica
I clutched the white sheets up to my chin tightly, hoping it would cover the fact that my hands, my everything, were shaking. Everything in my life had just changed here in this hospital, and it had nothing to do with the car accident that could have taken my life.
“Are you all right?” asked the doctor, looking up at me from his clipboard.
I nodded, even though I was far from it. My insides were churning and rising to my throat. I looked around quickly for the bowl the nurse had brought in earlier. I spotted it on the counter by the sink after she had washed it out for the third time. I pointed at it frantically, my lips pressed tightly to hold it all in. The doctor’s gaze followed my finger and quickly grabbed the bowl, handing it to me.
I emptied out into the bowl until it felt like there was nothing left. I clutched the bowl tightly against me as I dry heaved. Every shudder of breath I sucked in was painful as my body began to realize what it had gone through that day. The doctor had said I was pretty banged up, but the bruises would become more apparent and the soreness more painful over the next few days. He said I was lucky I had my seatbelt on.
I thought back to the moment in the car when I was so sure my life was over, that I had taken it off to try to say goodbye to Troy. Things could have ended a lot differently moments later.
I groaned as another dry heave rolled through me and my back screamed in pain as it lurched forward. The doctor put his hand on my back.
“Nausea is normal with concussions. It’s also normal in the first trimester, or sometimes beyond that,” he said gently.
I clutched the bowl tightly and shut my eyes, shaking my head as if that would somehow erase what the doctor had told me minutes ago.
“You’re pregnant.”
Pregnant.
Three months to be exact. I was just entering into my second trimester, and had been somehow blissfully unaware that there was a baby growing inside me. Troy’s baby.
I pushed the sick bowl away from me and one of the nurses came and thankfully took it away. On the bed next to me lay a glossy black and white photo of my baby, our baby. My hand shook as it carefully picked it up, as if it might break. My eyes welled with tears as they landed on the tiny baby that lay cradled in my stomach. Salty tears landed on the white sheets around me.
“I’ll let you have a moment,” said the doctor, gesturing for the nurses to leave. “Please, let me know if you need anything. And congratulations again.”
All I could do was nod. I didn’t know if I wanted to be alone right now with my guilt eating away at me. I had been pregnant for three months and didn’t know. My instincts were already failing as a mother. I should have known that I had missed my period, not once, but three times. I should have known when things like chocolate cake started tasting different. I should have known when my breasts ached at times, or the fact that Troy had been spending a particularly long amount of time on them when we were intimate.
Worst of all, I had put our baby in danger when I had left with Veronica this morning. If I had known I was pregnant, I would never have gone anywhere with her. I would have been smarter, asked more questions, called for help. Instead, I followed her blindly, straight into the lion’s den where all three of us had almost lost our lives. I let out a quiet sob as I clutched the photo to my heart, my guilt pouring out of me.
Even though the doctor has assured me that the baby was fine after doing an ultrasound and the various measurements and heartbeat tests, I still felt like I had already failed as a mother.
A mother.
Something I had never thought I would be, though I had hoped when I was younger that I would marry someone out of college, get married, and start a family. When my life didn’t turn out like that, not even close, I began writing romance as a way to cope. A way to escape. When my first book took off, my dream of starting a family took a backseat, and I hadn’t thought of it much since. But now…it seemed like my dream was coming true. I just didn’t know if I was ready. If Troy was ready. As I put my hand on my belly, I realized we didn’t have much of a choice now.
There was a soft knock at the door. I wiped my tears away just as the door opened and Troy walked through the door. I quickly slipped the ultrasound photo behind me, underneath a pillow. I knew I had to tell him, but I didn’t know how. I had hardly processed it myself. It felt like the ultrasound photo was screaming behind me, making it hard to think as he walked toward me cautiously, as if I were made of glass.
“Monica,” he said softly, as if asking if I wanted him there.
I burst into tears just at the sight of worry on his face.
He rushed toward me and wrapped his arms around me.
“I was so scared,” he murmured in my hair. “What the hell was taking so long?”
“Just a lot of tests…” I said.
And one life-changing one.
He pulled away and looked me over, as if he was inspecting me.
“I’m okay,” I assured him.
It was him whose eyes were welling with tears now as he nodded. I reached both hands over and held his cheeks, pulling his face toward mine. I looked from his forest green eyes down to the bow of his lips, realizing how badly I needed to kiss him. To get lost in him. He obliged to my silent need and pressed his lips against mine roughly. Passionately. A salty tear ran down my cheek as I realized how close I had been to losing him, to losing everything. He pulled away and wiped my tear away from my cheek.
“I thought I had lost you…” I whispered.
“Why would you ever think you would lose me?” he asked softly.
I went on to explain how Veronica had showed up at the office and the lie she had woven to get me to leave with her. She had been so convincing that I hadn’t stopped to think, or to call him, or the police. I just knew I had to get to him. It wasn’t until we were speeding down the interstate that I realized I had been conned.
“We will never have to deal with her again,” he said. It was the second time he was assuring me she was out of our lives, and I wanted to believe him, but I also knew what she was capable of. What people with money were capable of, especially crazed ones.
“I’ll make sure of it,” said Troy, as if sensing my doubts. It wasn’t that I doubted him, or even blamed him. It had just been one hellish day, and now that I knew I had a baby to protect, my guard was up. I knew I had to tell him that he didn’t only have me to protect.
The words sat heavy in my chest as I repositioned myself on the bed, wincing as I moved.
“Are you okay?” asked Troy, worry in his voice, as his eyes seemed to find every yellowish bruise that peeked out of the blue hospital gown.
“I’m fine. Just a little banged up.”
“God, I’ll never forgive myself. Ever.”
I squeezed his hand. “Troy, I’m fine. Please.”
“You could have died.”
“I didn’t.”
“You have a concussion!” He raked his hand through his hair frustratedly.
“I’m fine. The doctor is just keeping me overnight for evaluation and then I’m sure I’ll be fine to go home.”
“Overnight?” He put his head in his hands.
“Troy,” I said as firmly as I could, as I watched the guilt eat away at him. “I’m pregnant.”
The words just tumbled out of me. I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I couldn’t watch him crumble any more in front of me.
He pulled his head slowly from his hands and looked up at me, his eyes searching mine as if to understand he had heard me correctly.
“Pregnant?” he asked slowly, as if he was trying out a new word.
I nodded. “Three months.”
“Did you…”
“No, I was just as shocked as you are.”
“Is it…”
“The baby is fine. They did multiple tests.”
I reached behind me and my fingers felt for the glossy photo under the pillow. I pulled it out and showed it to him. His eyes fell from me to the photo, but I couldn’t get a read on what he was thinking. I knew it was a lot to process, but Troy had practically gone catatonic. When I realized he wasn’t reaching for the photo, I let it fall to my lap.
“I know this wasn’t what you were expecting…” I said softly, trying not to focus on my heart that felt like it was in his hands and at the risk of being dropped. “It wasn’t what I was expecting either.”
He remained quiet, and a creeping panic began to set in.
“I understand if this isn’t what you wanted,” I whispered. “I don’t want you to feel trapped…”
He avoided my gaze and stood up from the hospital bed slowly.
“Troy…” I started.
“I need some air,” he said, turning toward the door.
I watched him slip out of it in a trancelike state, leaving me alone in the room, completely in disbelief. A sob escaped me as I picked up the photo and clutched it to me. I rocked myself and the baby, as if trying to comfort us both.
The man I loved, and thought I knew, had just walked out on me when I needed him most. I understood he was in shock, but so was I. I had just received the same news he had. I wasn’t walking out, though. I didn’t have that option. Our baby was growing inside me . Alongside it were fear, confusion, and sadness that filled me.
In the last half hour, I hadn’t even had time to envision what our life would look like as parents, but now images of Troy rocking the baby to sleep and singing lullabies floated in my head. I didn’t know whether to smile or cry at the images of him as a father. Deep down, I knew he would be amazing at it. I just didn’t think that he knew that. The images I had of him floating in my mind now popped like bubbles, leaving me empty.
There was a knock at the door and I looked up to see Erica standing in the doorway. I didn’t know she was even here. I gave her a confused look.
“How did you…”
“I’m guessing Troy didn’t tell you that you were on the news…”
I shook my head.
“I came as soon as I saw.”
I could tell she was holding back tears, so I held out my hand to her.
She rushed over and pulled me in for a hug. “Are you okay?” she asked, her voice shaky.
I didn’t know how to answer that question. I was far from okay, and it had nothing to do with my concussion or the pain that pulsed in my body. I couldn’t answer her as the tears streamed down my face. Erica didn’t ask any more questions. She sat there and held me in silence on the hospital bed, not knowing her brother had just broken my heart, and it was a worse feeling than anything I had endured today.