Cayden
THIRTY-FIVE
Her body is snuggled up against mine, and I realize I’m no longer focused on the movie anymore as I listen to the sounds of her breathing.
After we got out of the shower, I grilled us up some steaks, and by the grace of God, our potatoes were saved. We finished the bottle of wine while we talked about my first years in the NHL and her time with the dance production company up in New York, as we ate dinner on the balcony.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this relaxed or content.
Her dark lashes flutter softly in her sleep as I memorize every detail down to the placement of each freckle dusted across her nose.
She’s in one of my t-shirts that I gave her after our shower, and I can’t stop thinking about how much I love having her here.
I should wake her up and get one of my drivers I’ve used before to get her home safely, but my arm tightens around her instead.
The silence of the house doesn’t feel so lonely anymore…it feels more like a home.
Stirring in her sleep, her eyes blink open.
“I fell asleep on our first date, didn’t I?” She whispers. “I’m the worst girlfriend ever.”
Girlfriend.
The word should send me running.
It should have me throwing up every wall that I’ve carefully built into place.
Instead, the only thing I can think of is how much I love hearing the sound of it.
“You snore too. Total turn off,” I shake my head sadly and pretend to be offended.
“I do not,” she laughs, playfully hitting my chest. “I should probably go, though, so you can get some sleep.”
I know what letting her stay means.
It’s removing one of the last barriers. It’s letting her in in ways I swore I would never do again.
“Stay,” I whisper before I can stop it.
Her eyes search mine, and I know she understands what I’m really asking.
I’m not asking her to sleep here.
I’m asking her to step into a part of my life that I’ve shut off from everyone else.
It’s one word.
The most terrifying word I’ve said in almost three years.
“But Scarlett…”
“Will love having you here for breakfast,” I say, scooping her up and carrying her to my bathroom.
Setting her down, she watches me grab an extra toothbrush and slowly reaches for it as I start to brush mine. Keeping an eye on me like I’m going to change my mind at any second, we brush our teeth together.
When she drops her toothbrush next to mine in the holder, I can’t help but stare at the significance of what it means. It’s been just one for so long, and to have two side by side makes me feel like another piece of myself that I thought had died is coming to life again.
“Cayden,” she says softly, placing a hand on my back and bringing me back to the present.
“I’m good, Luna. Really good,” I smile.
And I realize I am as I take her hand and lead her to my bed.
Throwing the covers back, she crawls in, and I drop my grey sweats, leaving me in my boxer briefs before I slide in next to her.
I immediately reach for her and bring her body against mine as I spoon her from behind, not wanting even the slightest distance between us.
She sighs and sinks into me more as I wrap my arm around her.
I wait for the guilt to come.
I wait for anything to tell me this is wrong.
But all I feel is peace.
My body relaxes against hers, and for the first time in years, the night doesn’t weigh heavily on me.
The silence doesn’t hold everything I’ve lost anymore.
It holds everything I’m finding again.
Scar’s laughter fills the air in the distance, and I instinctively reach for Luna next to me, but all I find is an empty bed.
Blinking my eyes open, I see the sunlight streaming in and notice it’s already eight o’clock as I glance at the clock on my nightstand. I never sleep this late, let alone sleep the whole night through.
Tossing back the covers, I throw on my sweats and t-shirt before following the giggles coming from downstairs.
I stop when I get to the kitchen doorway, my heart beating strangely in my chest.
Luna and Scarlett have their heads together as they mix some batter in a bowl. Scar’s blonde curls bounce with excitement as they drop the chocolate chips in.
They both look adorable, with flour dusting their cheeks and their messy buns, which Luna must have helped my daughter with.
Scar is wearing her pink nightgown with a purple tutu thrown on over it, and Luna still has my grey t-shirt on with pink cotton shorts she must have had in her bag. A smile forms on my face as I watch the two of them interact.
“I’ve missed that smile.” I turn to see Mae standing behind me and frown.
“I smile.”
“You do, but it’s been a long time since it fully reached your eyes. Seeing as Luna is still here this morning, I take it your date went well?”
“Is it wrong that I didn’t want her to leave?” I ask quietly, my gaze turning back to their giggles as Scar pretends to feed her Stormy dolphin, a chocolate chip. “I have a woman in my kitchen with my daughter, and instead of feeling guilty, all I feel is how damn happy it makes me.”
“It’s not wrong that you feel that way, Cayden,” Mae says softly, taking my hand and squeezing it. “Loving someone new doesn’t mean you stop loving who you lost.”
“I never said anything about love.” I shake my head, but even as I do, my heart says otherwise. That one word holds so much fear for me that I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to say it again to another woman.
“You didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face.”
I swallow down the emotions, unable to deny or speak what I’m feeling as I watch the two of them together.
Mae follows my gaze as we silently watch them interact.
“Jules would have loved her,” she finally whispers, causing me to glance her way as she blinks back a tear before nodding toward the kitchen.
I watch Luna smile lovingly down at my daughter as she helps her spoon the batter into cupcake tins.
“It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if she had a hand in bringing her to you… and to Scarlett.”
She turns to me and softly palms my cheek.
“Take this gift she’s giving you, Cayden. The three of you were brought together for a reason. Luna’s your light after your storm, and I think we could all use a little bit more of that magic that’s being felt in that kitchen right now.”
She pats my arm softly and smiles.
“I’ll be in my room if you need me. I think the three of you could use this time together.”
“You’re family, Mae. You don’t have to leave.”
“I know that, dear, but I think this moment is meant for just you three.”
She smiles and walks back down the hall toward her room.
“Daddy!”
I look back at the kitchen and see Luna and Scarlett smiling at me.
A grin stretches across my face as I walk toward them.
“What is going on in here?” I chuckle, picking up my daughter from her toddler stool.
“Miss Luna came for bwekfist. We made muffins. With chocwet and nanas!”
“Is that right?” I smile. “I can’t wait to try one.”
“We have to wait until they cool,” she says seriously, and I bite back a laugh.
“Very important,” I agree.
I sit her down by her little table in the kitchen that’s covered with crayons and coloring pages of ballerinas, and she immediately gets interested as she grabs a pink crayon.
“I hope it’s okay that I invaded your kitchen,” Luna laughs, as I turn my attention toward her. “I heard Scarlett on the monitor this morning and went to her. I thought we would surprise you with breakfast while you got some extra sleep.”
“It’s more than okay,” I smile, stepping closer to her. My thumb comes out to brush away some flour on her cheek, and she giggles.
“I let Scar pour the flour, and I think I have more on me than the bowl.” Her hand comes up and tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I must be a mess,” she laughs, swiping the white dust off my t-shirt.
“You look beautiful.”
Her cheeks redden, and that’s all it takes for my lips to softly press to hers. She smells like cinnamon and sugar, and I want to drown in her sweetness as our bodies naturally come together.
Reluctantly, I force myself to step back and lean against the counter. I want to ease Scarlett into this relationship, and making out with her teacher on the very first morning is probably not a good idea…even though it is tempting as hell.
I watch her flustered body put the muffins in the oven, and when she bends over, I don’t hesitate to admire the view. My gaze lingers on her as I enjoy the curve of her ass and her long dancer legs that I love to have wrapped around me.
She must feel my eyes on her because she looks over her shoulder as she closes the door before turning around.
“Were you just checking out my butt?” She asks quietly so that little ears can’t hear.
“Yes,” I grin. “My girlfriend is beautiful, and I’m going to look at her every chance I can get.”
“Smooth save, goalie,” she laughs.
“I am the best,” I wink, walking over to the coffee maker and pouring some into a mug.
Chuckling, she starts cleaning the kitchen, and I step in to help.
By the time the muffins are done, I’ve made a plate of eggs to get some protein in before practice, and the kitchen is put back together.
We sit at the table and enjoy our breakfast as Scar fills our ears about the recital this weekend. I’ve never seen her this excited about something, and seeing her and Luna bond over their love of dancing brings another smile to my face as I watch them across the table.
It’s easy to picture more mornings like this together.
Too easy.
It feels natural…like we’ve done this a thousand times before.
By the time we are done with breakfast and I walk Luna to the door, I’m just as sad as Scarlett that she has to leave.
“Will you come back?” Scar is in my arms, clutching her stuffed animal as her big blue eyes watch Luna get her bag.
“Of course,” Luna smiles, reaching her arms out for a hug that Scarlett doesn’t hesitate to jump into.
“Pwomise?” Her little voice is muffled in Luna’s neck as she holds her tight. My throat gets tight as my heart beats painfully in my chest.
I was always so careful to keep my pain hidden from Scarlett. I have done everything in my power to fill both the roles of a mom and a dad, so she wouldn’t have to feel the loss I did.
But she felt it anyway.
She may not understand loss the way I do or why goodbyes make my chest tighten, but somehow she still feels the fear of loving someone who might not always be here. I feel that undercurrent of fear now, weaving its way around us as if it were my own.
It is my own.
I’m stepping into the unknown and putting not only my heart out there, but my daughter’s heart too.
Luna meets my eyes over my daughter’s head as she holds her against her chest.
“I promise,” she says quietly. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She may be answering my daughter’s question, but her eyes are talking to me. The depths of her greens send a wave of calm over me, and I tamp down the fear that wants to surface.
She tears her eyes away and lightens the mood for Scar. “Who else is going to make muffins with me?” She smiles, tickling her side and making her giggle.
“Cause I’m the best helper!” Scarlett grins.
“Yes, you are,” Luna laughs, setting her down.
“See you later, awigator!” She runs off toward her playroom in a hurry, everything completely happy in her world again.
“After a while, crocodile,” Luna calls out.
“I guess I’m not the only one who wants to keep you here,” I say softly when our eyes meet again.
She’s looking at me like I’m her whole world.
Past all the scars to the man that I’ve forgotten existed before all the damage was done.
“Come here,” I groan, pulling her to me as my lips meet hers. I dive in, desperate to feel her again. She clings to me with the same urgency, and all I want to do is carry her back upstairs and never let her leave my bed.
Keeping her safe with me…always.
I hear the running of little feet somewhere distant in my brain, reminding me we are not alone, as I finally break away.
“You'd better go before I really kidnap you and keep you here,” I growl, running a hand through my hair and stepping back so I can get better under control.
“Goodbye,” she giggles, opening the front door.
“Luna,” I say, gripping the door frame and causing her to turn my way.
“Yeah?” She smiles, and I take her in one last time, wanting to memorize every detail that I can. If my past has taught me anything, it’s to not take one moment for granted.
“Please drive safely,” I say quietly, feeling the flames of fear nip at my skin. “I need you to be safe for me.”
“I’ll be safe. I promise.” Her dimple peeks out before she turns and walks toward the elevators. I don’t stop watching her until the doors finally shut, and even then, I have a hard time closing the door completely.
How the fuck did I get here again?
I lean against the door and close my eyes as the truth I’ve been fighting finally catches up to me.
No matter how hard I tried to stop this from happening…
I’m in it deep now.
I’ve gone from trying to survive losing everything…
To having something I can’t survive losing again.