Luna
FIFTY-ONE
I stare at the text like I have been for the past fifteen minutes, my bottom lip being worked between my teeth in worry. The studio is quiet, the last class having left for the day, but I can’t seem to move from my place on the floor.
As soon as I read the text message, I sank to the wooden floor with a deep pit in my stomach, telling me something was wrong.
I try to recall this morning if anything seemed out of sorts with Cayden, and nothing comes to mind. It was the perfect morning, just like it had been for the past two weeks, and ended with him making sure I was coming over tonight.
It’s been our usual routine ever since Scarlett’s birthday party. I’ve barely even been to my apartment unless it’s to pick up extra changes of clothes. We’ve become inseparable lately, and his place was starting to feel like home.
Half my clothes are now in his dresser drawers.
Mae started buying my favorite yogurt without asking.
Scarlett’s been wanting me to do her hair every morning.
So, why is he avoiding me now all of a sudden?
I hesitate over the keyboard before finally responding.
Me
Are you sure everything is okay? You’ve got me worried.
I wait for the three little dots, but none appear.
Sighing, I pick myself off the floor and lock up the place before heading home. I debate on whether to just show up at his door to check up on him, but I don’t want to invade his space if he needs it. He made it clear he wants to be alone tonight.
I just wish I knew why.
My fingers tighten on the steering wheel as I try not to let my thoughts spiral and go to the worst possible scenario.
Pulling into my apartment building, I walk up the stairs, and each step feels heavier than the last. My life suddenly feels unbalanced, like someone reached in and shifted the floor beneath me.
Once inside, I bypass the kitchen. Even the thought of food makes my stomach roll with nausea. I take a quick shower before hesitating briefly at one of Cayden’s t-shirts thrown over my chair in the bedroom.
My fingers touch the fabric before I bring it to my face. His scent surrounds me, warm and familiar as my throat tightens.
Breathing deep, I wish more than anything that I’m wrong. I want to believe he’ll call tomorrow and tell me he was just overwhelmed and that this knot in my chest was all for nothing.
I squeeze my eyes shut, refusing to let the tears fall.
Not yet.
Throwing his shirt over my head, I crawl beneath the cover, his scent still lingering on the pillow beside mine.
But where I feel him the most…
I clutch the covers to my chest and try to breathe through the fear that wants to take over.
My heart just doesn’t ache in this moment…it belongs to him.
My phone dings on the nightstand, and I quickly lunge for it.
Cayden
I’m not worth worrying over. Trust me. Just need some time to think things over. I’m sorry I’m doing this over a text, but I know if I hear your voice, I won’t be able to do what I need to do. I’m just asking you to give me this time. I promise I’ll call you when I’m ready.
My phone slips from my hand and hits the floor as tears blur my eyes.
He’s pulling away.
I can feel it.
I don’t know what happened today, but the man who kissed me goodbye this morning is not the same man who’s texting me right now.
Clutching the pillow tighter, I give in to the pain and fear I’m feeling until my eyes are too puffy and swollen to stay open.
Sleep eventually finds me, but it brings me no comfort. I toss and turn all night as nightmares plague me of losing not only Cayden, but the little girl I’ve grown to love and pictured as my own daughter someday.
Each dream I have steals them from me until I wake up, reaching for the people who are no longer there.
I force myself to take a bite of my lunch even though I have no appetite. I don’t know how I got through my private yoga sessions today, but I somehow managed to keep it together.
All it did was remind me of our sessions together that we now do at his condo, and how there is a possibility I may never get another one with Cayden.
My phone lies on the table next to me, taunting me with wanting to just call him. But if he’s truly pulling away, the last thing I want to do is pressure him into talking to me when he’s not ready.
Sighing, I reach for the phone anyway, hoping someone else can help me understand.
Finding her contact, I press call and listen to the ringing.
“Hello?” Savi’s voice answers on the second ring, and I take a deep breath.
“Hi, Savi.”
“Hey girl,” she says, in a muffled voice. “Give me one second.”
I hear movement in the background and a small baby cry before she gets back on the phone.
“Sorry about that. I needed to get Beck in his baby wrap. It’s his favorite place to take a nap, and it allows me to still walk around and get things done,” she laughs.
“How’s he doing?” I ask, smiling at the last time I saw him at the Bolts game. He was wearing a little Bolts beanie with Knox’s number on his sleeper. His dark hair curled out the sides as he slept peacefully in his wrap tucked against Savi’s chest.
“He’s the best,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice.
“Knox and I are definitely sleep deprived, but loving every minute,” she laughs softly.
“So what’s up with you? Married yet to Cayden with a baby on the way?
” She teases, and my heart plummets further.
“I swear it’s like looking at Knox and me when we first dated, minus wanting to kill each other in the beginning,” she giggles.
“It’s uh…it’s actually quite the opposite. He…pulled away yesterday.”
“What do you mean he pulled away?”
“He said he needed space. I was hoping you heard something from Knox and could maybe ease my mind a bit and help me understand.”
The silence on the other end of the phone is deafening. My pulse picks up, and my throat goes dry. “Savi?”
“Oh, Luna,” she sighs. “I was really hoping he wasn’t going to do this.”
“Do what?” I ask, clutching the phone tighter, my palms starting to sweat.
“Yesterday, he showed up to practice, and the guys even forgot. Knox said Cayden arrived happy, just like he has for the past few practices, so no one thought anything of it until the coach asked him what he was doing there.”
“I’m not following. Why wouldn’t he be there?”
“Yesterday was the anniversary of Jules’s death,” she says quietly. “Cayden never skates that day. Not even if there’s a game.”
“Yesterday?” My heart pounds in my chest as her words sink in.
My voice barely works as I utter the next word. “He forgot?”
“When the coach told him what day it was, Knox said he grabbed his things and left before anyone could talk to him,” she adds softly.
I suck in air that suddenly feels too heavy to carry in my lungs.
“I haven’t known Cayden very long, but even I notice the change in him. He’s got a light back in his eyes that was never there before. Anyone can see how much he loves you.”
Doubt slowly creeps in, and the fear I’ve had rises to the surface, wanting to suffocate me.
“What if loving me is too much for him? What if…” I swallow down the emotions that want to drown me. “What if his heart is too scarred to ever completely belong to me?”
“Take it from someone who’s been scarred and married someone who was shattered…your heart is more resilient than you know,” she says, softly.
“So what do I do?” I whisper.
“Give him a couple of days. He’ll realize what everyone else already knows,” she says with a lightness to her voice. “His heart already belongs to you, Luna. He just needs to realize that he deserves yours, too.”
We say our goodbyes, and I promise to keep her updated before hanging up.
Pulling up his last text, I stare at it as if I can somehow will another message to come through.
But all I get is silence.
I watch the blank screen for another minute before setting my phone face down on the desk.
Pushing my food aside, I leave my office and walk down the hall to the one place that always makes me feel better.
Slipping off my shoes, I pull my hair up into a bun as I walk across the wooden floor. I choose a song that’s haunting to match my mood before getting into position.
When the music starts, I let my body portray what my heart is feeling.
Each landing jars my body, but I keep moving.
My lungs burn from exertion as I miss a turn.
I don’t stop.
Every turn leaves me searching for someone who isn’t there.
Every landing reminds me that I’m alone.
But it’s not just my pain I’m dancing through as I drop to the floor before rising back up and reaching for something that isn’t there.
I feel his too.
Every movement becomes a conversation between us.
My heartbreak.
His guilt.
My fear.
His grief.
I leave it all on the dance floor.
Hoping that somehow, he feels me fighting for him.
Even from a distance.
And the love I can’t give him today…will still find its way to him.