Cayden
FIFTY
I pull up to the practice rink and park in my usual spot just as a text message comes through.
Reaching over the gear shift, I grab my phone from the seat, and a grin breaks out on my face. It’s a selfie picture that Luna took of us this morning. We’re wrapped in each other’s arms and have the biggest, cheesiest grins on our faces. The sunlight from the window captures the moment perfectly.
Moments before this picture was taken, I had just woken up next to her like I have for the past two weeks since Scar’s birthday party, and was kissing her neck, trying to wake her.
It turned into me tickling her and us ending in a laughing fit. She ended up grabbing her phone by the bedside and snapping the memory, saying she always wanted to remember how happy we were in this moment. Seconds later, I was kissing her, determined to make sure that smile never left her face.
Another text comes through as I save the photo to my camera roll.
Little Moon
Have fun at practice today.
My thumbs move across the keyboard as I type back.
Me
Should be easy. I already got a really good cardio workout this morning, thanks to you.
Me
This picture is definitely going in my locker.
Little Moon
Best way to start the morning.
Little Moon
I’ve already made it my screensaver.
Grinning like an idiot again, I respond.
Me
Call you after practice.
Little Moon
I look forward to it.
Pocketing my phone, I step out of the car and walk to the entrance before stepping inside.
“Look who’s smiling before drills?” Foxx says, when I enter the locker room.
“He got laid this morning, obviously,” Hayes grins, putting on his shoulder pads.
“Jealous?” I smirk, heading toward my locker.
“Of morning sex? With someone who looks like Luna? Hell yes, I’m jealous,” he laughs. “Maybe not the whole dating part thing you’ve got going on, but definitely the sex in the morning part thing.”
“Never wanted to date either,” Stone chuckles. “Now I’m married with a child. Just wait, Hayes, you’ll get knocked off your ass one day by a woman, and it will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“Don’t hold your breath,” he snorts.
“Blade?” Coach Goldman comes out of his office looking surprised to see me.
“Yeah, Coach?”
He motions me over, and I walk his way.
“I didn’t expect to see you here today, but I’m really glad you decided to show up this year,” he smiles. “I’ll tell the goaltending coach you’re here for practice so he can get ready.”
“Why wouldn’t I be here?” I ask, completely confused about why he thinks that.
He stares at me for a heartbeat before adjusting his ballcap.
“It’s the seventeenth,” he says quietly before peering at me. “You sure you’re okay to stay today?”
The Seventeenth…
My stomach drops.
No…
No.
The seventeenth.
Two weeks after Scarlett’s birthday.
The date hits me like a ton of bricks as I grip the doorway for support. I barely hear Coach ask me again if I’m okay, but all I see and hear are images flashing through my head from the past two weeks.
Every laugh.
Every kiss.
Every morning waking up to Luna…
I’ve been so damn happy…
I didn’t remember.
I didn’t.
Fucking.
Remember.
My knuckles turn white before prying them off the doorframe and walking over to my locker. I grab my bag and sling it over my shoulder, my jaw so tight it hurts.
“Blade…” Stone begins to say something, and I cut him off.
“Not now, Stone,” I grit out, walking through the now silent locker room.
“What’s going on?” I hear one of the rookies ask.
“It’s the anniversary of his wife’s death,” McCormick sighs.
I don’t wait to hear the rest as I slam the door open and head toward the entrance.
Stepping outside, I take lungfuls of air and pull at my collar, suddenly unable to take a deep breath.
Fuck!
I finally manage to get in my car, and my fingers curl around the steering wheel. Squeezing my eyes shut, the familiar feeling of guilt sinks its claws into me again, bringing me right back into its destruction.
Needing to get out of here, I go to the only place I know to ask for forgiveness.
Peeling out of the parking lot, I’m on autopilot as I drive through the city, my reflexes already knowing where to go as I travel the familiar route until I pull up to the small park.
We’d packed up everything we owned into a moving truck and driven across the country for my contract. We’d left the Arizona desert without a second thought because we knew we’d build a life anywhere as long as we were together.
Pushing my ballcap down on my head, I get out and walk toward the corner that became our special spot.
We had arrived in Florida the night before, and after breakfast, we decided to explore a little before I had to report for practice. We passed by this park, and she immediately begged me to pull over.
A few picnic tables are scattered about under the shade of the palm trees as I make my way toward the water’s edge. My gym shoes sink into the soft sand, and without thinking, I stop to pull them off and shove my socks inside them, carrying them by my side.
“You need to feel how soft this sand is, Cay,” Jules smiles as bright as the Florida sun, wiggling her toes in the sand.
“And have sand between my toes during practice? No thanks,” I laugh.
“Always Mr. Practical,” she teases, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the water’s edge. “It’s my first time seeing the ocean, and I want my first moment to be with you.”
She squeezes my fingers before looking out at the endless stretch of blue water.
“You know what your problem is?”
“I’m sure you’re about to tell me.”
“You think every moment needs a plan.” Her blue eyes sparkle as she turns back to me. “Sometimes the best moments are the ones you don’t see coming.”
The waves lapping at the shoreline and the call of a seagull bring me back to the present.
My chest caves from the memory.
She was right.
She was always right.
I find the wooden swing nestled among the beach grass and sit down on the familiar feel of the weathered wood, smooth from years of salt air and sun. We must have sat here a thousand times…had a thousand conversations on this swing.
Dropping my shoes to the ground, I lean forward and bow my head, running my hands roughly through my hair.
I’m sorry, Jules.
I’m so fucking sorry.
The tears I try so hard to contain seep out anyway as I fight to keep it together.
I promised you.
I promised I would never forget you…that I would always remember you, no matter how much it hurt to do so.
It took me so long to find happiness again, and I feel so fucking guilty that I’m…betraying you.
I should have remembered today.
The last thing I deserve is happiness when you were the one who showed it to me in the first place.
It should have been me that day. Not you.
My shoulders shake as sobs wrack my body. I just want it all to go away.
The pain.
The guilt.
It’s been eating me alive for years, but maybe that’s what I deserve for waking up this morning with a smile on my face.
For fucking laughing… for being fucking happy while Jules will never have the chance to do any of those things again.
She’d told me the best moments were the ones we never saw coming, but I don’t think either of us ever imagined one of the worst would be too.
I stay there for what seems like hours until my throat is raw and my head pounds from the pressure.
Gathering my shoes, I slowly walk back to my car and get in, not even bothering to wipe off the sand from my feet, as I throw my sneakers on the floorboard.
My phone lights up, and I glance at the screen. Several texts from Mae come through, worried about me, and I glance at the time and realize I’ve been here for hours.
I text her back, letting her know I’m fine, and I’m headed home now.
Another text pops up, and this one has my heart tearing painfully in my chest.
I hover over the notification before opening the text that I don’t feel I deserve.
Little Moon
How was practice? I’ve been thinking about you all morning. Everything okay? You never called. I have to teach in a little bit, but I will keep my phone close if you need me. I’ll be over as soon as I’m done.
I suck in a strangled breath and force my thumbs to type.
Me
Just having an off day. I’m exhausted and going to call it an early night. I’ll call you tomorrow.
I hit send, and my stomach drops like a lead weight.
I can’t face her tonight. Not when I don’t know what the hell I’m even doing anymore.
How can I be the guy Luna deserves when I couldn’t even remember the day Jules died?
If I can break the one promise I swore I’d never break…
Then what’s stopping me from breaking Luna’s heart, too?