Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Avery Jane
“You want to have a picnic?” Mrs. Ellison asked, exasperated with me and my late-night request. “On my front lawn. At nine o’clock at night?”
“Yes, ma’am. Well, it’s not a picnic really, just snacks and tea. But Dixon has somethin’ to celebrate.”
I’d never known him to be more excited about anything than he was earlier today when he told me about getting to spend the evening hanging out with Stu.
I wanted to mark the occasion somehow, so he’d never forget how he felt tonight.
And if I was honest, our date tomorrow felt like years too long to see him again, so when he texted to tell me he was on his way home and would call me soon, I threw some stuff together and rushed to meet him.
“He has to work early tomorrow mornin’,” I told Mrs. Ellison, “so I wanted to meet him here and tell him congrats. We won’t be long, and we’ll be quiet, promise.”
With her hands planted firmly on her hips, she stared me down. “No shenanigans?”
“No, ma’am. No shenanigans.”
“Very well then.” She turned and walked back into her house, and I breathed a sigh of relief and got busy setting up beneath the oak tree in her yard.
The picnic set I’d won at a white elephant Christmas party two years ago, thrown by José and Daisy from the local diner, was perfect for the occasion, with plates, silverware, and a water-repellent blanket.
I arranged everything on top of the blanket, opened the tote bag I’d lugged from my house, and pulled out cut up veggies, salami, and a Thermos filled with iced black-currant tea I’d ordered for Dixon.
I tried it earlier in the day. It was delicious, even without caffeine and sugar, so I hoped he’d like it too.
He pulled up five minutes later and parked by the curb, but it took him a minute to see me. His door creaked and the metal groaned as he closed it. When he finally spotted me cross-legged on the blanket, he paused, his jingling keys dangling from his hand.
The moonlight highlighted his brilliant smile, and his boots pounded the grass as he rushed to me and swept me up into his arms. He hugged me tight and whispered, “He knows. My son knows who I am, and he loves me.”
I gasped and hugged him back as tightly as I could. “What? You told him? I’m so proud of you!”
He shook his head, and his lips rasped against my neck and made me shiver.
“No. I didn’t tell him, but he already knew.
He heard it at school. Some nosy moms were talkin’ about me, but when he asked tonight, I told him the truth.
Bax was pissed, but Stu explained, and my brother actually hugged me.
He told me he was glad I’d come home and that he was workin’ on tryin’ to forgive and trust me. ”
I wasn’t about to tell Dixon all the gossip I’d heard around town. At least the gossip Stu overheard had created a positive outcome.
Dixon set me on my feet and held me at arm’s length, his crystal eyes alight with happiness. “What is all this?”
“It’s a picnic. I couldn’t wait till tomorrow night to celebrate. But now we have even more reason. I know you work in the mornin’. I do too, so it’s just some snacks and tea.”
He lifted me again, wrapped my legs around his waist, and I hung on to his shoulders as he brushed my hair away from my face, held it between his hands, and kissed me.
“Thank you.” He sat on my blanket with me still attached to his body and kissed me deeper.
It didn’t take long until I was panting and gasping for air. Reluctantly, I pulled away. “Let’s eat. I promised Mrs. Ellison no shenanigans, and if you keep kissin’ me like that, I will break my promise, and your sister will probably have to arrest us for indecent exposure.”
He smirked. “Oh, I got some shenanigans for you, baby girl, right here in my jeans.”
I swatted his shoulder and climbed off him. “Are you hungry?”
Mischief played on his curving lips. “Starved.”
“You’re a little flirty when you’re happy,” I said, blushing and handing him the Thermos. He unscrewed the cap and sniffed, then took a long pull. His eyebrows rose with curiosity. “It’s black currant tea. Naturally decaffeinated. Do you like it?”
“It’s really good.”
I nodded, pleased with my choice. “So, tell me more. What else did you and Stu talk about?”
Chewing on a carrot stick, Dixon’s eyes slid to the side while he thought.
“Well, he asked about his mama. Bax and Bea had a picture of her that I’d never even seen from when she was in high school.
I guess they did some investigatin’ so they’d be prepared when Stu was ready.
He said she was pretty, and he tucked the picture under his pillow. Kel would’ve loved that.”
“Was he sad that she’s gone?”
“No, I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t think he fully understands, y’know?”
“Probably not. I remember my mom tellin’ me my dad was gone when I was little.
As far as I know, he’s not dead, but I took it to mean that he was.
I believed it until I was six or seven, when I heard my mom and Gran in the kitchen one day, mad because my dad had stopped sending child support.
I think kids believe whatever’s easiest to explain. ”
“Yeah, but not Stu. He heard the gossip, and instead of shruggin’ it off, he confronted me about it. I wonder how long he’s been chewin’ on this.”
“I told you he’s a great kid. Really smart.” Bumping my shoulder against Dixon’s, I said, “Like his dad.”
He scoffed and bumped back. “Oh yeah, I’m a regular Einstein. It was really smart of me to become an addict and abandon my kid.”
“Don’t talk about yourself like that. Why do you do that?”
His eyes slid to mine. He plucked at the grass beside the blanket, and then he turned to face me. “Because it’s true.”
“It’s not. Why can’t you see what I see when I look at you?”
“What do you see?” he asked, brushing his hands together, and blades of grass fell into his lap.
I faced him, too, crossing my legs in front of me again and straightening my spine. “I see a beautiful man who was smart enough to stay away from the people and the things he knew would hurt him until he was ready to face them. I see someone who can adapt and learn what he needs to survive.”
Dixon took another swig of the tea and handed the Thermos to me.
“And,” I said, nodding at the Thermos, “I see a man who knows his limits and what’s good for him.”
“It took a very long time for me to learn those things about myself, AJ. Probably a lot longer than most other people.”
“Would you like to know how long I wasted with that jerk, Cody? I thought I had limits and knew what was good for me, too, but he weaseled his way into my life and I let him. Gran and Mama kept tellin’ me to cut him loose, but I wouldn’t listen.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Dixon said, “but you finally did listen. I didn’t. I can’t even begin to remember how many times my family begged me to change my life, but I was stupid, and I thought I knew better.”
Grabbing his hand, I held it to my heart. “Not stupid, Dixon. Sick.”
He rolled his eyes and pulled his hand away.
“Yeah. That’s what they tell me in NA. ‘You were sick. Addiction is a disease,’ and I know it’s true, but sometimes it feels like an excuse, and I’m so fuckin’ tired of excusin’ all the bad shit I’ve done.
I’m tired of my mama excusin’ it, and it really pisses me off when I hear people talkin’ like I didn’t have a choice ’cause I was”—he raised his hands in the air and mimicked quotations with two fingers—“‘sick.’”
He turned away and fell back onto the grass. “I did have a choice, Avery Jane. I chose wrong and look what it cost me. I’ll never get any of it back. I’ll never know what Stu’s first word sounded like. I didn’t get to hear his first laugh or feel his first hug.”
“You’re right,” I said. “Addiction stole those things from you, just like cancer steals and so do all kinds of other illnesses.”
“Goddammit. Now you’re doin’ it too.”
“What am I doin’?”
“Makin’ excuses for me. You sound just like my mother.” He turned his head slowly, the blue of his eyes lit by the moon and trained right on mine. “You’re such a dreamer. But tell me this: if your daddy came back, would you forgive him? He’s a drunk, right? That’s what your mama used to say.”
“I-I—”
He sat up. “Not so forgivin’ now, are ya?”
Doc V asked Dixon to accompany him on a few farm calls the next day after his shift at the vet clinic, and Dixon said he’d be too late and too dirty for dinner, so he postponed our date.
I was disappointed, but I also knew I’d hit a nerve last night, so maybe it would be better to give him some time to process what we’d talked about. I needed to process it too.
Was he right that I was ready to forgive all the things Dixon had done wrong, but not my own father? Why was that?
Mama left for work in the early, Saturday morning fog.
I thought about catching her before she left and asking about my father.
She rarely brought him up, and I’d long ago stopped asking.
To her, my dad was old, tired news, but he kept coming up for me.
And why suddenly did I want to know? Just to convince myself I was different than she had been?
Who exactly was I trying to convince? Me or everybody else in town?
Or both?
Gran rode with me in the flower van to AVery Pretty Petal, and we got to work setting up for the day. I had a few orders waiting and started prepping flowers for three arrangements. She hummed while she dusted, shuffling on her feet so she didn’t have to bend her knees too much.
“Avery Jane, there’s somethin’ I wanna talk to you about.”
“What’s that?”