Chapter 30 #2
“Well, first, I wanna tell you that I approve of Dixon. I know, I know, you don’t need my approval, but I’m givin’ it anyway.
I’ve always liked him. I know your mama has doubts because Dixon’s had some hardships and issues in his life.
She worries for you because she loves you, and her history with your daddy probably makes that worse.
But it’s easy to see Dixon really cares for you, and if you trust him and believe in him, then I do too. You’ve got good sense.”
“Thank you, Gran, but am I wrong to believe so fully in him? You can tell me the truth. I’ll hear you this time. Am I makin’ a mistake, believin’ in someone who has proven time and again that he can be untrustworthy? He’s never given me a reason not to trust him, but am I bein’ na?ve?”
“I think you’re bein’ who you’ve always been, someone who sees good in others. And there is good in Dixon. Maybe he just doesn’t see it in himself yet.
“But I won’t lie and tell you I’m not glad he’s back. I am. I’m happy you two have reconnected. The friendship you had when you were kids brought me joy and kept me laughin’. He’s good for your soul. And I really like that he pushed you to get that restraining order.”
“Me too,” I said, turning to unlock the register before we opened. “I’m glad it’s done.”
“But I want you to be careful,” Gran said.
“Careful? About what?”
She paused, the duster still lifted in the air above some dried flower arrangements that sold well to younger customers who didn’t want the responsibility of fresh flowers but still wanted the beauty.
“Your heart has always been set on Dixon Lee, Avery, but the things he’s struggled with aren’t safe for you. ”
“Safe? I don’t understand, Gran.”
“Drugs. Alcohol. All that anger he used to carry around. You have addiction in your history too—your daddy. I just want you to be careful about what you give to Dixon. Things could get dark really fast down that road.”
“But dark how? Mama never talks about my father. You know, I heard people talkin’ about it yesterday. Gossipin’ about me and Dixon, and Mr. Henly said they all think I’ll end up just like her.”
“Those assholes! Tell me who it was, and I’ll rough ’em up for ya.”
“Oh Gran,” I laughed, rounding the counter, and I took the duster from her hand and set it on the table.
Hugging her, I said, “Thank you for lookin’ out for me.
I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life.
I love you, and I’m not worried about turnin’ out like you or Mama.
I’d be proud to be as strong as either of you. ”
She smiled, and her green eyes twinkled with love. “When I say dark, I just mean addiction. It’s not somethin’ everyone can control, and it can get out of hand quickly. But like I said, you’ve always had good sense, and I don’t think I have to worry about you like that.
“I just want you to be happy. You’re such a solitary person. It scares me when people come into your life that you’ll lose yourself.”
“Like I did with Cody?”
Gran didn’t have to say it, but she smiled gently and nodded anyway.
“Please don’t worry about that. There’s a huge difference between Dixon and Cody Mahone. Dixon is a giver. Cody was a taker. I won’t lose myself because Dixon would never let me get lost. I have no doubt that he’d disappear before that could happen.”
“You’re not worried about that? Him leavin’?”
I shook my head. “If you’d asked me yesterday, I might’ve said yes. But now?” Now that Stuart knew Dixon was his dad. “Now, no. But he said somethin’ that’s got me all tied in knots.”
“What’s that?”
“He thinks I forgive his mistakes too easily. He asked, if my dad came back, would I forgive him just as easily.”
Carefully, Gran asked, “Would you?”
“No.” I didn’t even have to think about it.
“No, I wouldn’t forgive him. My entire life, I’ve struggled with feelin’ good enough.
It affected the way I see myself. Like, with friends.
I wanted them to like me. I was desperate for them to like me.
But when they did, it was me who let the friendship fade.
Because I didn’t feel good enough to have them as a friend.
I tell myself they’re better off without me. ”
“Honey, I didn’t know you felt like that.”
I shrugged. “You and Mama had enough on your plates. I didn’t want to make you worry, and I guess I’ve always felt like my feelings didn’t matter as much as other people’s. And that’s exactly why I wouldn’t forgive my father, even if he came crawling back on his hands and knees.
“No kid deserves to feel like they don’t matter.”
“You matter to me,” Gran said. “I love you. You’re important in my life. There’s not a minute of my day that I’m not thinkin’ about you or wishin’ good things for you.”
Hugging her again, I said, “I know, Gran. I love you too. And maybe if I hadn’t known how much you and Mama loved me, things would’ve been darker for me. Thankfully, we’ll never have to find out.”
Gran nodded again. She picked up the duster and shook it in the air.
Dust motes floated down all around her. “Well, that’s that.
I’ve said what I wanted to about Dixon. Now, that Cody is another story.
Don’t think he’s done with you. I saw it in his eyes at the courthouse. You just be careful, Avery. Hear me?”
“Yes, ma’am.”