Chapter 36 #2
“Noah knew you weren’t his. He could do simple math, but he would never lay a hand on a pregnant woman, thank the Lord.
And when you were born, I named you after Willy’s brother who died in a car accident the year before.
Noah had grown up with Willie, so he had to know where the name came from, but he never said a word.
“The only thing he ever said on the matter was that if I ever told anyone, includin’ you, that he would kill you. I didn’t want to believe him, but somethin’ told me I should.”
Merv took a sip from the untouched mug on the table in front of her, and when she set it back down, the heavy ceramic clacked against the wood.
Her hands shook, and a drop of dark coffee sloshed over the lip.
She reached for a coaster at the end of the table and slid it underneath her mug, so the ring of liquid beneath wouldn’t mar the hard walnut.
Summer whispered in through open windows and thin screens. Birds twittered and chattered as they flew above the house, cows lowed far off in the distance, and dogs barked. Inside the house, though, the silence was still and thick.
“Noah didn’t have any interest in carin’ for your brothers when they were babies,” she said, “and he didn’t bother with you at all when I brought you home, but as you grew older, when Noah looked at you, all he saw was the man who wanted to take us away, who almost did take us away.
“Sometimes, I still wish we’d gone with Willy, but I didn’t stand up for him to Noah either. Willy and I never spoke again. I was heartbroken for years. I still am if I let myself think about it, but then I remember that if I hadn’t stayed with Noah, we wouldn’t have Abey.”
Merv took a deep breath, and when she released it, somehow, I felt lighter.
“So, you see, son, Willy was a magic man. He made me happy when nothin’ else in the world could have, and he gave me you, and from the moment you took your first breath, you were a light in my darkness because you had come from the most beautiful love.”
I hadn’t realized tears had begun to fall down my cheeks until Merv reached up to wipe one away.
“I love you,” she said. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how else to say it, but I’m sorry that I lived in a daydream.
I’m sorry I didn’t stop Noah from hurtin’ you and makin’ you feel bad about yourself, but I don’t regret one moment of my life because without all that heartache and pain, I wouldn’t have my children and my grandchildren, and y’all are the very best parts of me. ”
My mind raced. I couldn’t be as angry with Merv as I wanted to be if I thought about it either, because I couldn’t imagine a world without my sister, and it was dangerous for me to imagine how life might’ve turned out if Noah Lee had never been a part of it.
“Where is he now?” I asked. “Willy?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ve never looked him up?”
“’Course I have,” Merv said, “years ago. He never married. I hoped it was because he still loved me, but I also hoped it wasn’t, because I didn’t want to be the cause of more heartache for him.”
“He doesn’t know about me?”
“No, Dixon. He doesn’t know. He became a household name in rodeo circles, but he’s my age, so if he’s still alive, he’s retired.”
“What’s William’s last name?”
Merv sighed and finally gave up the most important detail.
“Messer. William Messer Jr. He came from a ranch near a little town in southern Wyoming called Reliance. I don’t know if he went back there or if he lives somewhere else.
I couldn’t bring myself to look for his address because, if I knew where he lived, I was afraid I’d go to him.
But just like you, I let him down, and I couldn’t face that. ”
William Messer, Jr.
Finally, I had more than just a suspicion. All the stories in my head swirled around those fifteen common letters and then settled around my father’s name like a flock of starlings.
Suddenly, the ogre of my memories began to shrink and recede in my head until he was no bigger than a figurine, and then he disappeared completely when he shrank back into the dank cave he had come from.
He was still there. I couldn’t erase Noah Lee completely from my memory, but maybe now his face and ugly sneer wouldn’t flash through my mind ten times a day.
“Son?”
“I wanna find him. William,” I said, opening my eyes after watching the human shit stain formerly known as Noah Lee walk out of my subconscious.
“Okay,” Merv said uneasily. “I mean, you know he could be dead.”
“I know.”
“Or he could want nothin’ to do with you because of me. Maybe he has a wife now or other kids.”
“Yeah, Mama. I know, but it doesn’t change the fact that I need to look in his eyes. Preferably without you between us.”
“Oh,” she muttered, nodding and staring down at the table. “I-I understand.”
I finally noticed the sad, defeated set of her shoulders. Maybe I wasn’t the only one holding on to old stories. Maybe she’d had a hope or two left inside her that William Messer, Jr. could fold right back into her life all these years later.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t mean to hurt you by sayin’ this, but I need to face William alone. You left me to face Noah alone, so that’s how I need to do this too.”
“You’re right. You should do that. I understand.”
“Merv?”
She shook her head. She couldn’t look at me, so I stood from my chair at Abey’s dinner table and crouched in front of the woman who’d loved me so much, she loved me right into sickness.
I held her hands, feeling the dryness of her skin and trying not to irritate the arthritis festering inside her joints too much.
“Thank you for finally tellin’ me the truth, Mama. I know it wasn’t easy for you.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You can’t know how sorry, but for the longest time, I thought I had to keep the truth from you to protect you.
And I thought I was protectin’ both our hearts, ’cause if you knew Willy…
if he knew you, he would’ve loved you, but it would’ve taken all our safety away. I couldn’t risk it.
“A-and some of it was selfish. If he knew you existed, nothin’ would’ve stopped him from comin’ for you.
I would’ve had to watch you bein’ loved by the only man I wanted to love me.
But I betrayed him. He couldn’t love me, and I didn’t think I’d survive watchin’ him love someone else.
So I tried to love you enough for both of us.
“For a long time, that’s what I thought I’d been doin’. When Noah died, I thought I could tell you the truth, but I never did, and it just got harder and harder. And then you left, and it was my fault, and I—
“Oh God, what have I done?” Her hands lifted and she covered her face. Sobs burst out of her chest. “The things… you’ve had to… t-to live through. All that pain. I’m so sorry.”
“Mama, it wasn’t your fault. Not completely. I made choices as an adult that shaped my life, that made me an addict. I didn’t want to know the truth. I wanted to stay angry. It wasn’t until Stu came along that I figured it out.
“That’s how I knew Noah wasn’t my father. I knew because there was no world where I could ever treat Stu the way Noah treated me. I could never have treated Stu’s mama the way Noah treated you.”
She hugged herself, trying to quiet down the sobs, but it wasn’t working, and I heard my brothers and Abey on the porch.
Someone had begun to pace; I knew because like clockwork, every fifteen or twenty seconds the same floorboard creaked.
My siblings could hear our mama crying, and like I wanted to, their instinct was to do or say something to make it stop, but they were also trying to respect my wishes and stay out of it.
Carefully, I hugged her. “I can’t make this okay for you. You’ll have to figure out how to forgive yourself, Mama, but I love you and I forgive you. I have to, ’cause if I don’t find grace for what you did, the anger will come back, and I can’t risk that.
“Not with Stu watchin’.”