Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
Dixon
“Tell me the story about the magic man again, Mama.”
High noon had descended over Lee Valley like an ominous Edgar Allen Poe reference.
For once, the sun hid behind ragged clouds high in the sky, and cool mountain air had finally broken through the heat of late August. The promise of an even cooler September clung to the atmosphere surrounding my sister’s house like a needy puppy, tongue wagging.
Merv’s mouth opened and closed without a sound.
I refused to look away, even though I could feel how uncomfortable she was now that it had finally come time for her to voice the truth.
She knew AJ and my brothers and sister were on the front porch, listening, and that had to give her even more pause, but they swore they wouldn’t dare interrupt.
Bea, Roxi, and Devo had taken Stu and Athena to the lake and promised not to bring the kids back until they’d received our all-clear.
“You used to tell me the story before bed,” I pressed. “You remember?”
“’Course I do.” Merv swallowed, and I heard the lump of nerves go down her throat. “It wasn’t make-believe. I think you already know that.”
“I suspected, but I’d really like to hear it from you. The whole truth. No more magic or dragons or princesses.”
“I’m sorry, son,” she said. “But I wanted desperately for you to know you had been conceived out of love, not some common affair, but you were so little and couldn’t understand the concerns of adults.
A-and your daddy, he knew. He knew I’d been unfaithful, and he blamed you.
But then Abey came along, and things got better… for a little while at least.”
“Not for me.”
“No, I expect you’re right about that,” she said. “But that’s why I made up the story, so you’d feel special and know you were loved and cherished.”
“I didn’t feel cherished, Mama. I knew you loved me, but I have never understood why you let him treat me the way he did. You smothered me. You tried to micromanage me, but you never once stood up against Noah. You never fought for me. Why?”
“Self-preservation?” She frowned and looked down at her full coffee mug.
“There was a time when your daddy and I were really happy,” she said.
“At least I thought we were. But back then, things were different than they are now. There were certain expectations for a man and wife. Bax and Brand came along, and life moved on. You know? But that’s when I learned who I’d really married, when my husband finally understood the stress of havin’ two little kids on a farm that didn’t provide what a family needs.
“When that all caught up to us, your daddy became resentful.”
“He wasn’t my dad,” I said. “You keep callin’ him that, and it makes me wanna scream.”
“Noah, Noah,” she rushed to correct herself.
“Noah burned bridges with his family and friends, wouldn’t let anyone in.
Wouldn’t let me in. It was him who demanded a big family.
He was the one who wanted me barefoot and pregnant all the time, because that was what society expected of a farmer and his wife, but I think he also resented me for the burden he felt, for showin’ him he was failin’.
“Abey and I have talked about this some, but I think that’s why Noah reacted the way he did when he found out she was gay. He saw the way your brothers adored me, the way you used to, and he wanted that too. He was jealous of you and me.
“The look on his face the day your sister was born? It was like God had handed her to him personally, and for years he treated her like precious gold. So I think that’s why he reacted the way he did the day he found her kissin’ another girl in the barn.
It made him feel out of control. In his eyes, it was another failure and the loss of somethin’ he probably didn’t think he could ever lose. ”
My mother’s eyes met mine, and there was profound shame in them.
“I was relieved when he died. What kind of a person am I that I was glad my husband was dead? But it was exhaustin’, livin’ with him, tryin’ to dodge his bad moods, and he made himself a victim.
A victim of life. If another farmer boasted about doin’ good business, it made Noah angry.
“The whole world was out to get him. He was jealous and prideful, and he never took responsibility for his shortfalls. He wouldn’t ask for help from anyone, and so he sat right here on this land and watched his dreams die, and he never once lifted a finger to stop it.”
“You still haven’t told me about my real father,” I reminded her, “but we’ll get to that. I wanna know why you stayed with him… with Noah.”
It was the million-dollar question, and the one I’d wanted to ask since I was five years old.
“Leavin’ wasn’t an option, Dixon. My parents, our church—it just wasn’t an option. Or I didn’t think it was. It wasn’t how I’d been raised. A wife was meant to stand by her husband no matter what. And besides, we had good times too. It wasn’t all bad. Don’t you remember?”
“No.” I shook my head, a look of frustration surely showing on my face. “I remember hopin’ he’d wake up one day and decide to love me, but every memory I have of that man is steeped in darkness and cruelty. His hatred and fists still haunt my dreams.”
Her expression fell, and all that remained was hurt and regret, but the time to sugarcoat our past had come and gone.
“I remember his anger and his resentment, Mama, which leads me right back to the heart of the matter. Who is my real father?”
She didn’t move. Didn’t speak. She just looked at me, maybe seeing my birth father’s face? I wasn’t sure, but the unknown had begun to work its way beneath my skin. I didn’t think I could take one minute more.
“I’m beggin’ here, Merv. I need to know. I want to know where I come from.”
She had to have known this was coming, and she’d had my entire life to prepare. I wasn’t letting her brush my history under the rug again. Everything in our lives had been leading us to this conversation.
I deserved the truth. It had taken me a long time to believe I deserved it, but I believed it now. Stuart had helped me see it.
Merv nodded. Finally, she began to speak, and I was just as mesmerized by the cadence of her voice as I had been when I was a kid.
“You know, when I was younger,” she said, “I was a looker, and your real daddy, he paid attention to me. To Bax and Brand. He made us smile, and we hadn’t been doin’ a lot of that back then.
“His name was William. He was a friend of Noah’s from childhood. He was an up-and-comer on the rodeo circuit. Everybody called him Willy Bronc, and when that man looked at us, at me and my babies, he saw a beautiful family.
“When Noah looked at us, all he saw was an expensive burden.
“Willy had come for a month or so one summer to help with the sheep. We got along well, and we got to know each other a little, and that was when I noticed how he looked at me.
“He didn’t mean anybody any harm, but the lingerin’ looks became longer; I noticed it more and more, and I saw want in his eyes.
But no matter how unhappy I was in my marriage, I didn’t think I could ever betray my vows.
I hadn’t even done anything wrong at that point, but your dad—I mean Noah—he noticed the way Willy looked at me, too, and Noah became… rageful.
“One night, Willy found me out behind the old barn, cryin’ in private so Bax and Brand wouldn’t wake up and hear me.
“He fetched ice for my black eye, and he soothed my broken heart, and then he showed me what it really meant to be loved by a man. Physically and emotionally. And over the next two weeks, my life lit up like it never had before. Noah was busy with the lambs. We had parasites bad that year and we lost too many animals, and Noah became consumed with frustration and anger, so much so he didn’t notice Willy and me fallin’ in love right under his nose. ”
Merv shifted in her seat, clasping and unclasping her hands repeatedly, clearly agitated with her own story and the blatant hypocrisy. She’d spent her life telling me that God expected honesty. The irony wasn’t lost on me. Maybe she should’ve picked a different sin.
She went on, the shake in her voice showing me how emotional she was.
“I don’t think Bax or Brand remember Willy.
They were still little boys, but they loved him.
He treated them like the gifts from God they were, not like burdens.
He taught them ridin’ tricks and how to rope and make special knots.
Then one weekend, Noah went to a Farmers of America convention over in Cheyenne, and he asked Willy to stay back and keep an eye on things.
I couldn’t believe my ears. I thought for sure it was a test.
“Willy convinced me it wasn’t, that Noah was too proud to think that his best friend and his wife would…
Anyway, Willy did exactly what Noah had asked him to: he kept his eye on me.
He made us a picnic, and the four of us drove into the mountains so the boys could fish for trout.
And for one whole day, everything felt perfect.
“But Noah came home early the next afternoon. He found us laughin’ and cookin’ ribs on the grill out behind the house, and he saw Willy’s arm around me and his hand on my hip.”
She winced as she saw the memory, and one lone tear fell from the corner of her eye.
“Noah nearly killed the only friend he had left that day. Bax might remember callin’ the sheriff because he was scared by the way his daddy screamed and hit Willy.
They came and took Willy away in an ambulance, Noah spent a night in jail to cool off, and it wasn’t a month later when I found out I was pregnant with you. ”
It hit me then where all the anger I’d always felt had come from. I’d learned it. And right then and there I vowed to myself never to hit another man as long as I lived.