Chapter 27 Autumn
Autumn
While I’ve enjoyed this summer more than any other summer, I’ve started to wonder what the future holds and what it could look like.
What it could look like in a reality where Jimmy wasn’t married anymore. A smile grows on my face as I imagine a morning like the first time he woke up at my place.
I wake up to him snoring next to me. I throw on his shirt, make us coffee, and he joins me in the kitchen shirtless, because I’m wearing his.
We enjoy the coffee leisurely on the balcony, then he showers and gets ready for work. He kisses me, and I tell him to have a good day on his way out the door.
Because our shifts are not the same, some days he brings me dinner to work, and we eat together during my break. Not hiding in the car, or beneath the rain, but at a table while people walk by and don’t think anything different about a happy couple eating together.
And really, would anyone be surprised if we ended up together? Would everyone hate me for breaking them up, or would they understand, given our past? I never saw myself believing in fate until now, but I know that’s what this is.
During the times when we were just lying in the hotel talking, he updated me on his family.
He told me that they regularly get together with his brother Will and his wife Chelsey.
They schedule outings or dinners with them once or twice a month because they moved two hours north a year ago.
He says Becca and Chelsey are really close, but I remember how much his family loved me and how much I loved them, too.
Even though they did then, would they still?
And would they welcome me back this way?
Or would they wish I had never shown up?
I don’t know his brother’s wife, but would she eventually get over me taking that spot at the dinner table?
Or would this end up putting more distance in his and his brother’s relationship?
Plus, Jimmy and Becca don’t have kids. It could be a clean break for everyone. I will accept my villain status, the one who ruined everything, but then everyone can move on, including us.
But it’s also because I’ve started to fantasize about all of this that I’ve realized I can’t avoid the reality we are in. I have to face it head-on. He deserves to be happy. I deserve to be happy. And I am, but I deserve to be happy and not hide it. I don’t deserve to be a secret.
With fate continuously on our side, we get the chance to spend the night together again, since Becca is attending a conference in DC.
He is coming to stay at my place, so I plan to lay it all out on the table tonight.
I may not be strong enough to stay away from him, but I am finally brave enough to say all of the hard things and ask the hard questions. I think.
At about 6 p.m., he walks right into my apartment. He lets himself in, carrying our dinner, and walks straight to me for a kiss, like he belongs here, and I love it.
We take our spot on the couch and eat while we catch up on the week. He sits facing forward, and I lay my legs across his lap. He doesn’t even mind that my feet are near him while he eats. I love that too.
Once our food is gone, I turn the opposite direction and lean into him, covering us both up with a blanket. He puts on our secret favorite nonsense TV show, 90 Day Fiancé, but we barely make it ten minutes into the episode before my courage finally takes over.
“I have to ask you something.”
“Anything,” he says.
“What do you see in the future?”
“The future?”
“Yeah. Like with me.”
He sits up straight, causing me to tense. I sit up too and turn back around to face him. “Well, I hope you’re not planning on running away again.”
I shake my head. “That’s not what I mean.”
He reaches forward to slide the strap of my tank off my shoulder. ‘Well, in the near future I see…”
I cut him off and back away. “Come on. I’m being serious.”
“About what?” He asks with frustration in his voice.
“Seriously?” I snap unexpectedly. “About us.”
“Us?”
Now I reciprocate his frustration because all he’s doing is repeating my questions.
“Yes, Jimmy. Us. This. Whatever this is.” I move my hand back and forth between the two of us. “We’ve been sneaking around for three months now. You can’t possibly expect to just do this forever.”
He sighs. “Of course, I see a future with us.”
“But do you want to be with me or just sleep with me?” I can’t believe I finally said it. He takes a second and rolls his eyes, but then responds.
“Autumn, you’ve been my whole life. As long as you want to be, you are my future.”
Now I roll my eyes as I realize I am going to have to be even more blunt than that. He can’t be this stupid. “Yeah, but how Jimmy? I didn’t move back here to have the best part of my life a secret. I want to be with you, but you are married. I love you too much to keep ignoring that.”
We both sit silent as we absorb what I just said. I didn’t even realize it was coming until it did. Then he smiles.
“I love you too.” He says, “I always have. I’m sorry I didn’t say it before, and now we’re here, but I’ll fix it. I don’t want to lose you again.”
I feel the doe-eyed look creep across my face as I listen to him say everything I’ve always wanted him to.
“Fix it?” I ask.
“Yes. It’s you, baby, it’s always been you. I just need to figure it all out.”
He’s never called me baby before, and he just did it so effortlessly. My whole body feels like a puddle of mush, and I take the bait. He reels my spineless frame into him, and there’s no more talking.
I fall for it hook, line, and sinker, willfully ignoring the feeling in my stomach telling me that this conversation didn’t change anything.