CHAPTER 67
My body moves; my head is spinning. My hands are covered in blood. Did I kill someone? Where am I going?
Javier takes the bag I hand him.
“I’ll go get Finn.”
“Are you sure this is what you want?”
What do I want? I want my mum. I want to say goodbye. I need to leave. I need Tara. I need to talk to her.
“Yes.”
“It’s risky.”
“I don’t care.”
“Let me go with you.”
“Whatever.”
He nods and goes downstairs. Dante is screaming. Why is he screaming? I want to go to him, but my body won’t let me.
I go to Finn’s room. Greta and he are playing. She looks at me with knitted eyebrows. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I’m covered in blood, and my eyes are vacant.
What’s happening?
“Dante is—”
“He’s hurt.” Not even my voice sounds the same.
Her mouth moves, but I can’t hear her. I’m taking Finn’s clothes, a few nappies, and anything I’ll need for two weeks of hygiene for him.
Greta is crying now, hugging my son. Did I say something? I feel like a robot moving. This hasn’t happened since my pregnancy.
I don’t want to take him from her. Maybe I should leave without him. He’ll be better without a mother so unstable. He’ll be better with Greta. But he’s my son. He’s not her responsibility, and leaving him breaks my heart.
I don’t want to leave, but how can I look at them without feeling guilty? How do I know Dante won’t trigger this again? How can I forgive him? He killed my mum. I can’t remember what I did, but I do remember his crying face.
“Don’t leave me again,” he said.
I’m not okay.
Did I hurt him? I didn’t want to. Why did I? Why doesn’t Greta kill me? If someone did that to Finn, I’d kill them myself. Why isn’t she doing anything?
I reach to take Finn into my arms, but he refuses to leave her, and she refuses to let him go.
He’s lost a grandma forever, and he may never see Greta again.
“Per favore…” She wipes her nose. “There must be something, anything, that can fix this—”
“I can’t stay in this house.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know. I just want to leave.”
She takes my face in her hands, but I can’t make out her features. I’m trapped in my head, just like when I was kidnapped.
“Dante killed my mum. I can’t stay with him.”
Her face drops. I don’t want to leave, but it’s better for everyone if I do. I’m not good for this family.
“When did he—”
“Before my birthday. He knew everything, and he lied to me. Please. I need to leave now.”
I’m shaking. My hands are still covered in blood. Why? Whose blood is it?
I can finally take Finn with me. He’s crying, but I don’t mind. As I reach the doorway, I look at Greta again, but she is just a blur.
“Don’t let him sink.”
I can’t hear what she says.
I shut myself away. The next thing I know, we’re at the airport. I’m calling Tara from my mother’s phone. When did I take it?
“Mum? I thought you were dead! Where—”
“It’s Lana,” I whisper. “Hi.”
She sobs.
“What do you want?”
“I need somewhere to stay. I… I killed Dante. I don’t know what happened.”
Javier made me wash my hands before getting into the car. He said I could get some unwanted attention. All my memories of the past hours are blurry, and I can’t even think straight. I just know I had a gun, and I shot Dante... I don’t know if I killed him. I hope I didn’t.
“Mum is dead because of you.”
No.
“I had nothing to do with it. I only found out a few hours ago. He tricked us all. You told me to trust him; she did too—”
“I don’t believe you. You must be working with him.”
“I swear I’m not. I need to get away. Please. Just until I’m settled and I find a job.”
She sighs.
“Fine. But I’ll only do it for her.”
“Thank you… I really—”
“I’ll come and get you, so text me when you’re on the plane.”
She hangs up, and tears fill my eyes again.
There’s no turning back. I might regret this, but there’s no other choice. It’s all my fault. I’m the one who ruins everything.
It’s all my fault.
It is. You should’ve listened to me. You should’ve killed him sooner.
I didn’t want to kill him.
I glance at Javier. He’s walking around with Finn, showing him the planes outside.
They shouldn’t be with me. I shouldn’t be a mother. I’m not fine. I can’t even remember what I’ve done. How many times has this happened when I’ve been alone with Finn? Why can’t I remember?
One second, I’m in the line for tickets; the next, I have three in my hand. There’s one to Spain—that must be Javier’s. I’m not going to take him with me. He has a life, and I’m not going to ruin it too.
I wish this were different. I wish Dante would love me enough not to betray me again, but his hatred for my father was stronger than his love for me. I don’t blame him. He lost everything too.
I wanted Finn to spend his second Christmas with his family. Last year we were all alone. No presents, no dinner, nothing. Stefan used to come home drunk. If I was awake, he beat me; if I was asleep, he used my body however he wanted until he got bored.
I fantasised about Dante dressed as Santa coming to get us instead of Stefan, but it was just an illusion that never came.
This year will be the same, but worse. I don’t have that fantasy to hold me together, and I don’t have my mum. Maybe Tara will celebrate with us.
“You don’t want to pack?” I ask Javier.
“I have enough money to buy whatever I need when we get there.”
“What about your family?”
He shrugs. “I’ll tell them it’s a holiday trip.”
I blink, and I’m sitting with Finn asleep in my arms.
This is dangerous for him. I need to get to Tara as soon as possible. I need help. I need to get away from here. If Dante is alive, I’ll call him in a month—just one month. This is not the last time Greta will see Finn. I can’t take his family away from him too.
They start calling for my flight. I smell Finn’s nappy. He’s clean, but I wince. “I’ll go change him. Wait for me here.”
Javier nods and looks at his phone. I head to the bathroom, but when I make sure he’s not searching for us, I slip back to the line. From where I am, Javier couldn’t see me even if he looked up.
A few minutes later, I’m inside the boarding room. Javier peers through the glass partition, and his face drops. He glances at his ticket, confused, then back at me… and panics.
“I’m sorry,” I say, though I know he can’t hear me. “Thank you for everything.”
He shakes his head and starts running, but I don’t see where.
It’s my turn to go inside.
Once I’m seated, with Finn sleeping in my arms, I break down and cry.
I don’t know what’s happening to me.
I’m saving us.