CHAPTER 68
As we arrive in Ireland, Finn is still asleep. My sister is waiting for us at the entrance. Her brunette hair falls in a braid down her back. It’s not as long as mine; our father did let her cut it. He took her almost every month to the salon to keep her waves perfect.
She’s a whole woman now. The last time I saw her, she hadn’t even got her period yet. The girl who couldn’t do her own makeup now looks like a magazine model. Did she learn, or does she now have people who do it for her?
The only reason I recognise her is the M branded on her arm.
“Müller.”
He branded her as if she were a cow.
She smiles faintly and hugs me. I manage not to drop my bags, but her men take them from me, and it’s a relief.
“You’re so big, Tara. The last time I saw you, you were a—”
“I was never able to be a kid, Lana. I was just younger.”
My heart tightens.
She guides me to a limo. We all get into the back seats, and the chauffeur nods a greeting.
“How have you been?” I ask, trying to break the ice as soon as the vehicle starts.
She shrugs, looking outside. “I don’t complain. Luxuries are fantastic. Declan loves me and takes care of me; I don’t have to do a thing in our place, and it’s been like that ever since we got married.”
She offers me a bottle of water, and I take it. I want to give some to Finn, but he hasn’t woken up. It’s better that way; he’ll cry as soon as he opens his eyes.
“When I found out Mum was dead, I lost my mind,” she says. Her voice sounds like a robot’s. “At least I know who to blame.”
A knot forms in my throat, and my eyes sting. Dante’s face rises in my mind; tears and blood are mixed on his cheeks. Torn. Defeated.
Because of me.
What have I done?
“I didn’t know. I didn’t even know about my father and you. I thought—”
“You couldn’t have done anything.” She looks at me. Her empty eyes are swollen and red. “We’re women. We’re only good for following orders.”
“We could’ve done more.”
She shrugs again. “If you had known, you would have ignored it, just like everyone else.”
I stare at Mum’s phone. She always called me.
Maybe I’ll be able to call Dante or Greta once I get to Tara’s place.
I need to apologise for whatever I did. I hope they forgive me, but I don’t want them to accept me in their family.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at Dante again.
I don’t know if I’ll forgive him for what he did.
I just want my sister. I want to turn back time and hide beneath the covers with her, where no one could mess with us.
I should’ve killed my father. I should’ve sneaked a knife beneath my mattress and stabbed him over and over when he lay down beside me.
I should’ve done so much more.
“You know Mum found us fucking in the kitchen and did nothing but turn around while I cried and asked for help?” she asks. “I was ten. It wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time she didn’t help.
“She also ignored us a couple of years later when she woke up, and I was on top of him. She just stood there. I bet she liked it.”
“How could you—”
“I forgave her for being useless years ago. You’re just finding out.”
A knot forms in my throat. “I would’ve done anything to save you if I’d just—”
“Spare your sympathy, Lana. We both know you wouldn’t have. You were the perfect little girl; you would never go against Dad.
“He wanted to give you away? Good. He wanted to take you to dinner? Great. You had to stay pure? No problem. They all preferred you. You were the angel no one had to touch. But me? I was the family’s fucking cum dump.
Dad, our brothers, any friend who came to the house.
I was always the toy. That’s the only thing I’m good for.
You were raised to be a wife; I was raised to be a whore.
“And even as a wife, you were better than me. You had a son on your first try. Me? A girl I could only hold once, and another I suffocated till she died. I’m useless. But now he’ll have you to try again.” She stares at me. “You look terrible. Have you slept?”
He’ll have me? What does she—
“I… I don’t—”
Why is my tongue heavy? Why can’t I talk?
I can’t believe Tara thinks like that. Our father always had guns hidden; if I’d found them, I would’ve killed him. I would’ve shot him in the head. Why did Mum never do that?
I will never be able to ask her.
I can barely keep my eyes open. My arms drop by my side. Finn is going to fall—
“Here, let me. We’re about to get to the house.”
“I… I don’t—”
Tara takes him from my arms, and I can’t move.
The water. She drugged me.
No. Please, no.
She yanks the necklace from my neck and stares at it for a few seconds, then sighs. “You really have to learn how to make better decisions, Lana.”
No…
Finn…
Help.