Chapter Ten
Jana
After Shawn did the fuck and run, I got dressed and sat down on the couch.
My ass still stung from his hard smack, but it was worth it.
I was hurt at first and the longer I sat there I started to get pissed.
Now, however, I’ve moved on to feeling sorry for him.
He didn’t utter two words to me, yet fucked me like he needed me to breathe.
Sighing, I get up and go take a shower. Once I’m out, I pull on my panties and oversized tee shirt.
I don’t go into my room though. Standing outside Shawn’s door, I pause for a minute and hope I’m not going to make this worse by going in.
The longer I stand here, the more I think this is what he needs.
He needs someone to show they care, to show him they aren’t going to run when he’s in this weird way.
With confidence, I open the door and walk in.
He’s lying in bed, but lifts his head when he hears the door close.
I don’t say anything as I pull back the comforter and lay down next to him.
When he doesn’t tell me to get the hell out, I move closer, resting my head on his solid chest. As soon as I do, he wraps his arms around me, holding tightly onto me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I whisper.
“Nothing to talk about, Jana.”
“One day you are going to need to, and when you do I’ll be here. You aren’t going to push me away, Shawn, because I’ll push back.”
He presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, before resting his chin on it. “I don’t need to push you away sweetheart, you’ll know when it’s time to go.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I question.
“Nothing,” he whispers.
I silently lay there thinking about what he said and I feel tears building behind my eyes. I will not cry, I will not let him know he’s getting to me. I need to get pissed with his secretive ways.
“Shawn, why won’t you let me in, even just a little,” I nervously ask.
He lightly runs his hand up and down my arm, as he holds me tighter. “Jana, you don’t want in, believe me.”
“I should be the judge of that,” I say, sighing.
He’s so confusing. His words say one thing, but his actions show another. I don’t know if I should keep pushing or if I should just shut the hell up at this point.
“Jana, don’t,” he says, before kissing my head again. “Just go to sleep.”
I don’t say anything else, but I sure as hell don’t fall asleep.
I listen to his heart beating, and wonder what the fuck happened to him to make him this way.
I’ve been cheated on, I’ve had my heart broken, but I don’t have a wall built around me that no one can ever break down.
His wall is made of bricks, reinforced with steel, and I want to fucking break through it.
**
I wake up and reach over feeling the cold spot where Shawn should be. Opening my eyes, I sit up and look around. He’s gone.
Sighing, I climb out of bed and go back to mine, so I can get dressed. Once I’m in my jeans and my favorite gray shirt that hangs off one shoulder, I go out to the kitchen to get some much needed coffee.
“Morning,” Shawn says, handing me a cup of coffee.
Raising one brow, I give him a small grin. “Thank you. I didn’t expect to see you this morning.”
He lightly laughs as he sips his coffee. “Where else would I be?”
“Honestly, how would I know. The only thing I know about you is how you like things in bed. I have no idea who you are or what happens when you walk out the door,” I say, sitting down on the stool next to him. A bit proud of myself for saying exactly what I was thinking.
Reaching over, he pushes two fingers under my chin, turning my head toward him. “Jana, you said you understood this. The only thing you need to know about me is what I like sexually,” he says, his blue eyes bouncing between mine.
“You confuse me, Shawn,” I whisper, dropping my eyes.
Letting go of my chin, he stands up. “Finish up your coffee, we’re going out today.” He strides out of the kitchen, not even glancing back.
I guess we’re going out.
Two hours later, he drives and I have no idea where we’re going. The only thing he said after walking out of the kitchen, was asking if I was ready. So, I’m sitting here wondering, just like I do with everything that comes to him.
“Shawn, where are we going?” I finally ask.
“You are confused and I’m going to help with that,” he replies, not bothering to look at me.
Rolling my eyes, I look out the side window. I watch the trees pass by in a blur, thinking that is how I feel when it comes to Shawn. Beautiful and strong when he actually sees me, but normally I’m just a passing blur.
It seems to take forever, but he eventually puts on the blinker and I look in front of us.
A cemetery. Why the hell are we going to a cemetery.
I stare at him, but his focus is straightforward.
I reach my hand over and rest it on his leg, giving it a gentle squeeze.
He glances at me for a moment, before focusing back on the tight roads that wrap around the entire small cemetery.
A few short turns and he pulls over, turning off the car.
Twisting in his seat he gives me a forced grin.
“This is where I go when I’m not at work.
When I’m confused, or need someone to talk to, this is where I come.
I’m not hiding, and I sure as fuck don’t run away.
You said last night that one day I’ll need someone to talk to, but I won’t Jana, because anything I have to say, I do it here.
” He pushes open his door and motions with his head. “Come on.”
My shaky hand, opens the car door and I get out, meeting him in front of the car.
He begins to walk and I quickly catch up, reaching down and taking ahold of his hand.
He links his fingers with mine, as we walk among all the headstones.
It’s a beautiful cemetery, bright flowers, a beautiful green lawn and all the headstones stand proud with names artfully carved in them.
Suddenly, he stops walking and I almost crash into him. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, before letting go. I look at the grave and tears immediately fill my eyes as I read, Meredith Tate, loving mother.
I hold onto his arm, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “Shawn, I had no idea. I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
He clears his throat and nods. “Thanks.”
I don’t know what to say as I watch him. His hands are in his pockets, his brown hair is falling slightly into his face, but it’s his eyes that break my heart in two. A look so sad, almost lost, as he stares down at his mother’s grave.
“Do you want to tell me what she was like?” I ask, hoping it will bring back a happy memory.
“No,” he whispers.
I want to ask how she died, but I won’t. It can’t be a good story, considering Jim has never once mentioned it. I’d just assumed they were divorced. It doesn’t even have her birth and death date on the stone and it makes me wonder why it doesn’t.
Shawn pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me. I hold onto him as tight as I possibly can, hoping to give him some kind of strength. “Shawn, I really didn’t know,” I quietly say against his chest.
“I know.” He doesn’t let go of me, just rests his chin on the top of my head. “I’ve never brought anyone here before. I’m the only one who knows where she is,” he says.
“Thank you for bringing me,” I say, feeling overwhelmed he’d trust me.
“I just wanted you to understand.”
Pressing a kiss to his chest, I nod. “This is why you won’t let anyone in.”
Shortly after, we leave and begin the ride home. The first half of the ride is driven in complete silence, I guess both of us processing it all. It makes so much sense now, he’s still hurting from losing his mom, of course he doesn’t want to tell anyone that.
“Jana, are you hungry?” he asks, breaking me out of my thoughts.
“I could eat,” I say.
We drive to a small bistro not far from the house and he parks the car. “Come on.”
He picks a table outside and once we’re seated, the waitress hands us our menus.
“I’ve never eaten here before, it’s beautiful,” I say, trying to get him to focus on something else.
Pushing my menu down, he grins at me, as I peek over at him. “Yes, it is beautiful. Now, what do you want to eat, Jana,” he says with a smirk.
As the afternoon passes, we eat lunch and he asks me about work. His mood has changed completely and he even jokes about a few of the customers, making me laugh. This is the guy that I know he really is, he’s just hiding behind that cold, heartless one.
“So, do you have any plans tonight?” I ask, finishing off my water.
He reaches across the table and places his hand on mine. “You have a fantasy you want to play out?”
“No,” I begin with a smirk as I glance between him and our hands. “Zoey wanted to go to that new club tonight and I thought, maybe, if you aren’t busy, you’d want to go with us.” Christ, I sound like a fucking stuttering fool.
He lightly chuckles and leans over the table, closer to me. “Jana, you know I don’t do dates, but I’ll go as your friend.”
Ouch, fuck. He’ll go as my friend. Every time I think I’ve broken through just a little bit, I get slapped with the reality of things.
Forcing a smile, I nod. “Great.”
**
After getting home, I took a long shower.
It’s been such an odd day and I needed time to myself to think about it all.
The longer I was in there, the more complicated it all seemed.
So, I’m not waiting on Zoey to get here, because she offered to do my hair and I’m definitely not rejecting that offer.
Shawn’s been locked away in his room since he got out of the shower. I feel bad, thinking he’s in there upset about his mom and just as I decide to go check, the doorbell rings. Walking down the hall in my satin robe, I get to the door just as Zoey rings again.
“Damn, it’s a big house give me a minute to get to the door,” I say, laughing.
“Well maybe if you weren’t eye fucking your stepbrother, you’d get here faster.” She laughs as she pushes her way past me. “So, he’s coming tonight?”
“Shut the hell up, let’s go into my room,” I whisper, grabbing her arm. Her heels are echoing through the house and I notice how great she looks. Her green dress, leaves little to the imagination and she’ll be beating guys off of her.
Once we get into my room, we sit down on the bed. “Spill it,” she says, lifting a perfect eyebrow.
“Spill what?” I ask, running the brush through my tangled hair.
“I have heard very little from you since you and your god-like, stepbrother have been in the same house. So, how many times have you slept with him?”
I nervously laugh, shaking my head. “Zoey, you have no idea what he’s been through. The guy you met last time, that’s the guy he hides behind. I’m his friend,” I say, with a sigh.
“Holy shit, you’re falling for him,” she yells and jumps off the bed.
“You have no idea, what the fuck you’re talking about,” I say, feeling my face flush.
Her eyes widen and she covers her mouth with her hands. “Fuck, you aren’t falling for him, you fell.”
“Zoey, please stop,” I whisper.
She curses under her breath and gently sits down next to me. “He has no idea, does he?”
Looking up at the ceiling, I blink back tears. “Nope.”
“Do you think he feels the same way?”
I laugh and quickly wipe my eyes. “Sometimes, yeah, I do and other times, hell no. He’s confusing, but he’s been through a lot, so I get it,” I say, lifting my shoulder.
She pulls the brush away from me and smiles. “Well, let’s just remind him what he’s missing out on.”