Chapter 4
Anastasia
The pain in my chest is a dull ache I’ve known was coming. And yet, I let it take Jack down, too. The image of his face, broken and mortified as he stood there in front of my family and friends, has haunted me as I’ve driven around town for the last two hours, looking for him.
He didn’t go back to my apartment like I thought he would. He wasn’t at the marina or the pier.
So as I pull into my parking spot and my lights shine on him sitting on the steps leading inside, I’m surprised and relieved at the same time. Even if the pit in my stomach expands at the sight of him.
I put my car in Park and turn off the engine, then sit for just a minute, trying to gather my thoughts. How do I explain my hesitation? How do I tell him without breaking his heart? Why did I let it go this far?
Reaching into my cupholder, I retrieve the ring box I’d swung by and grabbed from my mom. Thankfully, everyone had left for the night, so there wasn’t much need to explain anything.
Just a hug from my momma and her assurances that everything would be okay.
Unfortunately, I’m not entirely sure how they will be.
Nothing ever feels like it’ll be normal again.
Sawyer coming out on the porch just proved that.
He tossed me to the side, then came rushing in like a superhero the moment I lost everything.
Where was he in the middle? When I needed someone to talk to? Would I feel differently about Jack if I’d still had my friend? Would I have said yes?
I shove those thoughts aside. They’re selfish. None of this is Sawyer’s fault—it’s mine. Because I knew I didn’t feel for Jack what he clearly felt for me, and still, I let our relationship continue.
Lord, please grant me strength not to hurt him any more than I already have.
Grabbing the box and my purse, I climb out and make the short walk up to the steps. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t look at me as I take a seat on the steps beside him. For a long while, we just sit in the quiet.
Until I can’t take it anymore. “I’m sorry, Jack. For what it’s worth, I really am.”
Jack nods but doesn’t say anything. He toys with his hands, the muscles of his strong jaw taut. I can feel the heartbreak coming off him, and it’s a kick to my gut because it’s one hundred percent my fault.
My eyes fill.
“Was it ever headed that way?” he asks.
“I like to think so,” I say. “Jack, you’re a wonderful man.”
“Just not wonderful enough to spend a lifetime with. It’s funny, really. Everything I ever want is always just out of reach.”
I look down at the ground and take a deep breath, trying to find the words when I honestly don’t even know what they are.
“Will you tell your mom I’m sorry that I just barged out like that?” he asks.
I nod, unable to form even a single sound past the lump in my throat. A tear slips down my cheek.
Jack shakes his head, takes a deep breath, and looks back over the darkness. “Wow, this one hurt.”
“Jack, I—”
“I really can’t stomach another apology, Anastasia. So, as much as I appreciate you trying to soften the blow, please just stop.”
“Can’t we just slow down? I told you I didn’t want to rush.”
Jack gets up and takes a few steps away before turning and looking back at me.
“What would be the point of that? We’ve been together eight months, Anastasia.
Eight months should be plenty of time to decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. I mean, your brother and Tessa—”
“Knew each other for an entire lifetime, Jack.” I stand now. “And they are head over heels, madly in love.”
“And we’re not?”
“Do you really believe that we are?” I move down the steps. “I mean, deep down, in your heart, do you really feel madly, head over heels, crazy drunk in love with me?”
He opens his mouth to respond, then hesitates. “I do love you.”
“Sure. But I watched the way Garrison and Katelyn fell. I saw what my brother and Tessa went through to be together, and I can’t help but wonder why that’s not us.”
“You don’t think I’d protect you? That I wouldn’t fight for you?” He crosses his arms, pride wounded.
I close my eyes. Come on, Anastasia. “I know you would. But when the dust clears and everything settles back down, I still don’t think it would mean the same.” With the small velvet box in my hand, I walk the rest of the way down the steps and hand it to him. “I don’t deserve this.”
“Because you don’t love me.”
“Not in the way you want me to. And not in the way I want to love the man I marry, either.”
Jack takes the velvet box and sticks it into his pocket. His steel grey eyes level on me beneath the faint porch lights. “I hope he deserves you.”
“What? Who?”
Jack swallows hard, his gaze never leaving mine. “Sawyer.”
My pulse jumps at the mere mention of his name. “What are you talking about?”
Jack laughs softly, but there’s not a whole lot of humor in it. “Come on, Anastasia. You’re not that blind.”
“You don’t get to stand there and pretend that you never saw the way I looked at you.” Sawyer’s words from six months ago echo in my mind. Am I really the only one who didn’t see it?
“We were just friends. Now, we’re not really much of anything.”
Jack snorts. “Can’t blame the guy for that.
I wouldn’t want to watch the woman I loved be with someone else.
” He takes a deep breath. “Look, if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, then fine.
But remember that he spent six years standing beside you and never took that leap.
I knew after the first month that I was in love with you, and I chose to do something about it.
If he was worth it, wouldn’t he have fought for you? ”
His tone is sharp, his words meant to slice straight to the bone. I wrap my arms around myself and try to ignore the sting. He’s hurt, and that’s my fault.
“Sawyer and I were only ever friends, Jack.”
He nods. “Keep telling yourself that, and that’s all you’ll ever be. Can you unlock the door? I’d like to hit the road.”
The thought of him driving after everything that happened tonight scares me. “You can stay. Leave tomorrow. Or, stay the weekend like you planned. We can still—”
“Anastasia, we’re over. I can’t slow down what I feel for you. I’m ready to start a family, and you’re not. At least, not with me. I want to go home so I can do what I can to shake this evening off of me and move forward with my life.”
I swallow hard, pain compressing my lungs until I can’t breathe. My hands shake as I withdraw the keys from my purse and head up the steps. As I push open the door and step into the dark, it’s all I can do to keep from completely losing it.
Whether I am in love with Jack or not, I care for him. After tonight, he won’t be in my life anymore. All because I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes.
“I can’t believe you insisted on opening today.” Tessa takes a sip of her coffee.
“It’s my business. I can’t shutter the windows because I’m going to be an old maid forever.”
Katelyn snorts. “You are not going to be an old maid.”
The three of us are seated at a table in the back corner of my coffee shop. There is only one other person here, and he’s too engulfed by the book he’s reading to care that the three of us are over here talking about the hit my love life took last night.
“I might be. It’s okay. I’ll be the weird aunt who spoils all her nieces and nephews.” Jack didn’t say another word to me when he left last night, but he did offer me the courtesy of texting to let me know he’d made it home safely.
And that was that. The last eight months of my life ended with a text.
“How are you doing, sweetie?” Tessa asks.
“Not great,” I admit. “Which makes me feel selfish to say since I’m the one who caused it. Jack was a good man, and I knew that I just didn’t feel for him what I should. I let it go on too long, and he suffered for it.”
“Why did you let it go on?” Katelyn asks. “If you knew that it wasn’t what you were looking for?”
I consider her question, but just like all last night as it rattled around in my brain, I don’t have an answer.
“I have no idea. I guess I just hoped it would develop into something more.” I take a deep breath.
“Which, of course, means I’m a selfish turd who doesn’t deserve love.
” I drop my head down and rest my forehead against the small, wooden table.
“You are not a selfish turd,” Tessa says.
“Seriously,” Katelyn adds. “You shouldn’t have to make yourself feel something for someone if you don’t.”
“Do you know what he said to me?” A wave of irritation rushes through me, and I sit up quickly.
“What’s that?” Tessa asks.
“He told me to remember that Sawyer spent six years standing beside me and never took the leap. But he knew after the first month that he was in love with me. He said that if he was worth it, Sawyer should have fought for me. Can you believe that?”
Tessa and Katelyn exchange looks. Which, of course, infuriates me further.
“Oh, don’t do that,” I snap.
“Do what?” Katelyn takes a sip of her tea.
“Sawyer and I were only ever just friends. There was never some unspoken romance between us or—”
Tessa coughs on the coffee she just drank, choking on the liquid.
“What? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You and Sawyer have been dancing around each other for a long time. At least, from what I hear,” she adds. “Definitely for the last year that I’ve known him. Did you seriously not know how he felt about you, honey?”
“I—”
“Scratch how he feels,” Katelyn says. “How do you feel?”
“Annoyed. Irritated. Frustrated. Pick an emotion, and that’s pretty much me at the moment.” The bell over the door dings, so I stand without glancing over my shoulder to see who it is. “I’m a nice big bucket of feelings. Is that what you want to hear?”
Turning, I find myself face-to-face with none other than Sawyer Maddox.
I stare up at him, partially shocked that he’s here and completely annoyed that he has the audacity to walk through my door after what he tried to pull last night. Six months of ignoring me. Six months! And he thinks coming out to “check” on me when my relationship was circling the drain was okay.
“What are you doing here?” I snap.
“Coffee? Come on, take pity on me, Knox. I didn’t sleep well.” He flashes me a hesitant smile.
I glare at him, anger burning a hole through my heart. I clench both hands into fists at my sides and fight the urge to take a swing at him. “Sawyer Maddox. Get out.” I point to the door.
“Anastasia.”
“No. You don’t get to come in here like this.
It’s been six months since you stepped through those doors.
Half a year. Yet, the day after I broke a perfectly kind man’s heart, you decide you’re interested in friendship again?
No. I am not a toy to be picked up and played with whenever you feel like it. ”
Sawyer’s caramel eyes sharpen. His shoulders square, and he stares down at me with all the fire I wish I’d felt with Jack. “I don’t think you’re a toy to be played with,” he snaps. “I miss my friend, and I wanted to check on you to make sure you were okay.”
“Well, I’m here. Right as rain. Sun is shining, and I’m alive. Woohoo. Now, go.”
Sawyer glances past me, likely seeking confirmation from Tessa and Katelyn that I haven’t gone completely nuts. I imagine I certainly look the part. Giant circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. Hair in a messy bun on top of my head.
“Just go,” I say again, trying so hard to hang on to my anger so I don’t feel anything else. More precisely, those pesky feelings I am more determined than ever to bury. Because Jack is right. If Sawyer really did feel that for me—why didn’t he say anything? “Please leave.”
Those two simple words soften Sawyer’s expression. “I’m sorry, Anastasia.” Then, he turns and leaves the shop.
I stare after him, hating that he’s leaving even though I pushed him away.
Way to go, Anastasia.