Chapter 3
Sawyer
“I am so happy you’re here.” Linda wraps an arm around my waist and leans against me in a half-hug, while I finish dicing apples. The aroma of cinnamon and sugar dances in the air around me, mixing with the savory scent of the dinner she’s prepared for everyone.
“Me, too.” I don’t add that the only reason I am here is because Zane came by the shop and gave me a major guilt trip. Zane, who isn’t even here yet. He’d made it a point to tell me how his mother kept mentioning how much she wished I were coming.
The truth is, though, that I’ve missed dinner night with Linda.
Don’t get me wrong, she and I still get together for lunch occasionally, but I don’t get to see her nearly enough, and I know she suspects it has a lot to do with her daughter. Which, of course, is absolutely correct. The woman misses nothing.
Anastasia has always been the greatest source of my joy, but loving her from a distance has been the most dangerous thing I’ve ever done.
Linda releases me and stirs the sauce she has simmering on the stove. Tonight will be a lean group as Weston is out camping somewhere on the ranch he helps run, and Ryker is out of town on a mission for Knight Security, leaving me the only single one of the group.
Fantastic.
“You know, Momma Knox, we’re both third wheels tonight,” I tell her. “Wanna be my date?”
She laughs and gently smacks my arm. “I suppose I could do worse.”
“That’s the spirit.” I flash her a smile, but when the door opens and Jack walks in, Anastasia beside him, it takes every bit of strength and training I have to keep that smile level.
Who knew being a Navy SEAL would also help me play pretend happy whenever the woman I love is with her doting new boyfriend?
Anastasia’s hazel gaze lands on me a moment before she smiles and turns toward her mom. “Hi, Momma.” The women embrace.
“Hey, Babygirl.” She pulls away, then turns to him. “And hello to you, Mr. Weathers.”
“Hey, Momma Knox.”
It sears my insides that he calls her that. Come on, Maddox. The jealousy is ridiculous.
“Hey, Sawyer,” Jack greets.
“Hey. I’d shake your hand, but busy,” I gesture to the apples I’m arranging in a pie dish. Of course, Linda told me just to dump them in and be done with it, but he doesn’t have to know that.
So, piece by piece, I take my time.
Glutton for punishment, I raise my gaze as Anastasia slips her cardigan off and hangs it by the door. The straps of her dress are thin, and the back drops down enough to reveal the sun-kissed skin of her upper back.
Hunger burns in my gut, but it has nothing to do with the food.
“How’s the shop?” Jack asks.
“Fine. Solve a lot of murders lately?” I counter.
“You will not talk about death right now,” Linda scolds.
“Hey! I thought we were on a date. There’s no yelling on a date.” I pop a piece of apple into my mouth, then hand her the pie dish.
She rolls her eyes but laughs.
As much as I don’t want to, I turn toward Jack.
“A few,” he answers.
“Cool.” Awkward silence stretches between us, but I’m no longer envisioning slamming a pie plate full of apples over his head, so that’s progress.
“Hey, Sawyer,” Anastasia greets as she comes to stand beside her boyfriend. I don’t miss the way her gaze briefly meets mine before shifting away. Or how Jack moves in closer to her.
“Hey.” Jealousy rears its ugly head again, and I know I need air. Desperately. Now. “I’ll be right back, Momma Knox. Don’t move on to the next handsome guy who shows up.”
She laughs and rolls her eyes again. A slight smirk toys at the corners of Anastasia’s mouth, too, giving me far more joy than it should. Making her laugh used to be what I lived for.
Desperate for a breath of oxygen that is not shared with anyone else, I head down the hall and into the bathroom. Once the door is locked behind me, I rest both hands on the sides of the sink and drop my head.
Seeing her with him is like being pulled beneath the surface of a stormy sea. The waves batter my body as I fight to breathe.
When will it get better?
When will I be able to move on?
Because, no matter how many dates I’ve gone on in the last few months, no matter how many times I’ve tried to push my body to its breaking point at the gym, in hopes that the exhaustion will cure me, nothing works.
Only when I hear the door open and more voices join in do I wash my hands and leave the bathroom. Zane and Tessa are talking to Jack and Linda, while Anastasia busies herself doing something in the kitchen.
“Hey, Sawyer,” Zane greets. The former lieutenant commander was my Acting Team Commander despite being a rank lower than is typical.
He’d proven himself early, though, and we would have followed him into any corner of the world necessary.
Which is probably why we became the target for a branch of the government that didn’t technically exist.
After six years of off-books missions, we were finally cut loose. The transition has been—well—difficult at times.
“You’re late,” I say, keeping my voice low so no one else can hear.
“Sorry, we got the new cabinets installed, so I took Tessa over to see them.”
Zane and his wife have been living on his boat ever since they got married toward the beginning of the year. Recently, he started building a house on a beachside plot of land he’s owned since he graduated college.
It’s the start of their life together, and I couldn’t be happier for them.
“Nice. Congrats.”
“Thanks.” Zane smiles knowingly at me. “You good?”
“Surviving.”
“You look it.”
“Did you know he was in town?” I question, anger momentarily surfacing.
“I did not. If I had known, I wouldn’t have asked you to come.”
I learned at a young age not to ask questions you don’t want the answers to. But I just can’t help myself. “Why not?”
Zane arches a brow. “You know I’m not blind, right?”
“Yeah, well, that doesn’t mean you can always see clearly.” Even as I say it, Jack strolls into the kitchen and presses a kiss to Anastasia’s temple. She smiles up at him, her hazel eyes bright.
Happy.
And watching them together, all I can think is…it should be me.
“I would like to say something,” Linda announces. The table falls silent, with Garrison and me stopping mid-conversation about some computer issues he’s having at the community center.
All eyes turn to Momma Knox.
Her eyes are misty, her smile wistful. “I just want to say how grateful I am to have all of you here each and every week. While our table is not complete without Ryker and Weston, my heart is so full as I look at all of you.” Her gaze travels around the table.
“So, thank you for being here. Thank you for loving this crazy old woman.”
“Momma.” Anastasia wraps an arm around her mom’s shoulders and kisses her temple.
“We love you, Momma Knox,” I tell her.
“We sure do!” Thomas announces from where he sits beside his mom. Katelyn smiles happily at him even as her own eyes fill.
“Hormones,” she says with a laugh as she wipes her eyes. Garrison kisses his wife’s temple. Seeing her so happy with my best friend should bring me joy. After all, I know how hard they fought for each other.
But as I sit here, alone, I’m filled with this hollow pit that sucks all the joy out of the air around me. A black hole that I sometimes wish would just swallow me up already.
The conversation starts to resume, a happy distraction from the woman sitting just a few seats across from me.
And then Jack gets to his feet, a hesitant smile on his face. My stomach plummets as he sets his glass down and reaches for Anastasia’s hand.
Her cheeks turn a bright red, her gaze sharpening.
No. Please. Please don’t let what I think is about to happen, happen.
He clears his throat. “If it’s okay, I’d like to say a few things, too.”
Once more, the conversation dies out, but I seriously wish someone would interrupt him. Someone has to talk soon, right? Come on. Anyone!
“I want to thank you, Momma Knox, for inviting me into your family with such open arms. Even though I didn’t come here under the best of circumstances.
” He offers a grin at Tessa, whom he originally questioned for murder.
Way I see it, we should have kicked him to the curb of Stormwatch Landing the moment we got the chance.
“And, Anastasia.” He turns toward her. Anastasia’s face pales slightly, and every single muscle in my body stiffens.
No. No. Please, no.
“Anastasia, you caught me completely by surprise. You’re beautiful, kind, and so smart.
Far too smart to have said yes to dating a guy like me.
” He drops to one knee beside the table, and Katelyn gasps.
Anastasia’s eyes widen. “I know I agreed not to move here right away because we wanted to take things slow, but I can’t wait any longer.
I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
” He reaches into his pocket and withdraws a small black box.
It’s funny that something so tiny could level my world like a perfectly placed explosive device. Demolishing what is left of my heart and scattering it to the wind, never to be found again.
But as I sit here, my entire life flashing before my eyes, it’s all I can do to remain rooted in my seat and not intervene.
“Will you marry me, Anastasia? Will you be my wife? Will you start a family with me?”
I’m going to be sick. My stomach rolls, and bile sears the back of my throat.
Her gaze lifts to mine. It’s brief. Only for a moment.
The fraction of a heartbeat.
No. You’re supposed to be mine. Please don’t say yes.
“Anastasia?” Jack asks again. “I know it might seem sudden, but I’ve been thinking of nothing else since the moment I laid eyes on you, what feels like forever ago.”
I can’t look at anyone else. Can’t think about anything else. It might as well just be the three of us here while I watch everything I’ve ever wanted slip from my grasp—forever.
“I—” She trails off, and Jack’s expression darkens. “I’m sorry. I’m just not—”
He gets to his feet and sets the ring box down on the table.
The entire room stays silent.
“Jack, I—” Anastasia starts, tears filling her eyes.
“It’s okay,” he replies flatly. “I need air.” And with that, he storms out of the house, leaving that tiny bomb sitting right on the table beside Anastasia. She stares at it as though it’s going to go off at any moment.
“Oh, baby,” Linda starts.
“No.” Anastasia jumps up and chases after him. “Jack!” she calls out as she slams the door behind her.
All eyes shift to me, as though every single person here is holding me personally responsible for what just happened.
“What?”
“What do you mean, ‘what’?” Tessa questions. Never one to sit on her opinion, she gestures toward the ring box.
“I don’t see what that has to do with me.”
Linda rolls her eyes. “Sawyer Maddox, you are going to be the death of me.”
When the door remains closed and the table falls back into a now very awkward conversation, I push up from my seat and start toward the door. Before I reach it, though, I hesitate.
She’s not going to want to see me.
I’m probably the last one she wants to talk to.
And then the image of her looking at me over his head swims into my mind.
“Go,” Linda urges.
“No, she needs you.”
“She has me, and she knows it. She needs her friend right now. She needs you.” Linda pushes me forward. “Go.”
So, I go.
Anastasia is sitting on a chair in the corner of her mom’s front porch. Even from here, in the dim light of the small porch light, I can see that she’s crying. I would rip the heart from my chest and give it to her if I thought it would make her feel even the slightest bit better.
“Are you okay?”
She looks over at me and pins me with a glare that is all anger and part brokenness. “Just perfect, Sawyer. So, what, we get to be friends now that I’ve imploded my relationship?”
I shove both hands into my pockets and shift nervously from foot to foot. Why did I come out here? “I’m just coming to check on you.”
“You haven’t given two thoughts to me in six months, Sawyer.
You don’t get to just pop back into my life like you weren’t the first man to break my heart.
” She gets to her feet and wipes her cheeks.
“Please tell my mother that I’ll call her later.
I have to try to salvage what’s left.” She starts down the steps, moving past me.
Without thinking, I reach out and grip her arm.
Anastasia stills beneath my touch, stiffening before looking up at me with hazel eyes I would love nothing more than to drown in.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me, too.” She rips her arm from my grasp and storms down the steps, not sparing me another glance as she gets into her car and drives away.
Her pain breaks me.
Standing here on her porch, watching her drive away, I can’t help but wonder if they were all right to look at me. Did I do this? I’d meant to keep my distance so I wasn’t in the way. But by doing so, did I somehow damage what she had with him?
Is that why she looked at me?