Chapter 20
Anastasia
“I’m doing just fine,” I tell my mom over the satellite phone in the main cabin of Zane’s boat.
She’d called me first thing this morning as she was getting ready for church.
Just hearing her voice brought me relief and sadness all at once.
Honestly, the fact that I’m not there has me feeling just as salty as the ocean we’re sailing over.
Maybe even saltier.
“Well, it is my right as your mother to be worried. And to miss you. How is Sawyer?”
“He’s fine.”
“His shoulder? Is he still wearing his sling?”
I snort. “Hardly.”
“That boy.” She clicks her tongue. “Those men seem to think they’re invincible just because they’re soldiers. They forget that they heal just like the rest of us normal people.”
Laughing softly, I finish adding cream to my coffee, then carry it over toward the table where I’ve been reading my Bible. I may not be able to get to church, but I can get lost in His Word. “How are you? How’s Axel?” I ask.
“Being adorable as usual. He slept with me last night. I have to admit, it was nice having him purring right beside me.”
“Then we need to get you a cat.”
“Maybe I will.” She falls quiet for a moment. “I miss you, sweetheart.”
“I miss you, too, Momma.” My eyes fill, and my throat constricts.
In my entire life, the longest I have spent away from my mom is a week during spring break right after I’d graduated.
And I’d missed her then, too. I’d cried nearly every single night, the silent tears streaming down my face whenever the rest of the girls sharing the hotel room with me were sleeping.
It’s been nearly a week since Sawyer and I started on this journey, and so far, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.
“How are things with Sawyer?” she asks.
I smile through tears threatening to fall. “We’re just friends right now, Mom. We decided that would be easier than starting something in the middle of all this.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
The door to the bedroom opens, and Sawyer steps out, his hair wet from the shower. He’s pulled on a T-shirt and a pair of shorts, but his feet are bare.
Oh man, oh man, oh man.
“For now,” I tell her.
“Is that Momma Knox?” Sawyer asks, a wide grin spreading over his face.
“It is. You want to talk to her?”
“Absolutely. I miss my girl.” He slides in across from me and takes the phone. The fact that he loves my mom nearly as much as I do makes my heart flutter. “Hey, Momma Knox.” He’s quiet for a moment, then laughs.
While he talks to her, I get out of the booth and grab him a cup of coffee. Desperation to do something is getting the better of me. I’ve never been good at sitting still, and being out here isn’t any different.
After setting the steaming mug in front of him, I take my seat again. Those gorgeous eyes lock on mine as he listens to something my mom says.
“You don’t have to worry. I’m feeling a whole lot better.”
I grin, knowing she’s giving him an earful over not wearing his sling anymore.
“Yes, ma’am. You don’t have to worry about me. I’ve got this.” He winks at me. “I love you, too, Momma Knox. I’ll take care of her. Here she is.” He offers me the phone.
“Hey, Momma,” I say as I press the phone back to my ear.
“I have to go to church, but I wanted to say one more thing. Don’t let what’s happening right now scare you away from what you want in the future, sweetheart.
Taking a step back probably seems like a good thing now, but don’t let that setback be permanent.
I’ve watched the way Sawyer has looked at you for seven years now. He’s a good one.”
“I know, Momma.” I smile at Sawyer as he takes a sip of his coffee. “Love you. Tell everyone we say hi.”
“I love you, too, sweetheart.”
I end the call and set the phone aside, my heart aching. How I wish I could sit with my mom at church and listen to Pastor Reeves preach the Good Word. I long for afternoon brunch with her and the joy of sharing a table with everyone I love.
“You doing okay?”
“Yeah, just feeling a little homesick.” I take another drink of my coffee.
“What would you be doing at home right now?”
“Getting ready for church.”
He considers a moment. “Okay. Then let’s get ready for church.”
“Sawyer, there is no church.”
“There are two of us.”
“Yes.”
“For where two or three gather together as My followers, I am there among them,” he says. “Matthew 18:20.”
I stare up at him. As far as I know, Sawyer believes in God and our salvation through Jesus Christ. He prays, blesses our meals, and has always done his best to show love to everyone he meets. But he’s never been a churchgoer. So, to hear him cite a verse catches me off guard.
“We are two,” he says. “And we are gathered together as His followers. So, how about we start our own little church here? Just for now, while we can’t get to shore.”
“You don’t go to church.”
His expression darkens softly. “That’s because some of the worst people I’ve known occupied a pew,” he says. “But Zane taught me that people are sinful and we let each other down all the time. God, however, is just and true. He never lets us down.”
I can’t help but stare at him, tears burning in my gaze. That’s why he doesn’t like to go to church? Because he doesn’t trust the people? I think of the cigarette burns on his back.
“Look, Anastasia, I’ve struggled with the idea of church my whole life because I had a foster family who never missed a Sunday, then looked for every excuse to whip me red with a belt Monday through Saturday.”
Disgust and anger surge through me, both fighting for top spot. ‘Whipped me red with a belt.’ Nope, the anger wins. How desperate I am to track down each and every person who hurt him. “Sawyer, that’s horrible!”
He shrugs. “I’m not there anymore, so it doesn’t matter.
But it kind of ruined me for believing in anything for a long time.
Then Zane came along. He taught me about faith, about the love the Lord has for us, and I started to understand that God isn’t the one causing us pain—it’s us.
We hurt each other. The idea of worshipping God with people who turn into monsters when they leave the building has always bothered me.
” He takes a deep breath. “And I’ve been meeting with Pastor Reeves—”
“You’ve been meeting with Pastor Reeves? More than just when he was at the shop last week?”
“Yeah. We’ve been meeting once a week over the last few months.” He runs a hand through his hair. “We’ve been talking a lot about my past, and I’ve been working toward Sunday attendance.” He meets my gaze. “You actually inspired me to do that.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. You told me once that Sunday morning is your favorite time of the week. You said that, when you step into that building to listen to Pastor Reeves preach, and you hear the choir singing, a piece of you that the world has spent the last week knocking out of place fits just right again.”
I can’t even remember the exact conversation, but he seems to recall every word of it. A lot of times, that’s how God works. Something that we don’t think much of can be exactly what someone else needs. The seed that roots so He can water it.
Thank You, Lord.
Tears prick the corners of my eyes as I think about all the pain he’s kept hidden. I had one secret. One horrific moment in my past that I wasn’t sure I’d survive.
How many has he been through?
How many nights did this sweet man cry himself to sleep when he was a child? How badly I wish I could go back and protect that beautiful boy. I would shield him from the darkness of the world, fighting off anyone who came near him.
I clear my throat. “That’s true.”
He smiles. “So, I’ve been working toward that.” Sawyer reaches out and covers my hand with his. “I’ll grab my Bible, and we’ll study together. It’ll be our church. We can even name it if you like.”
My throat constricts, and the love I already carry for this man grows to a point where I’m sure I’ll explode with it. “I would like that, Sawyer. Very much. Well, except the name. That’s too much pressure.”
He laughs. “Fair enough.”
After our Bible study this morning, I’m feeling a whole lot better than I have since we started this trip. Sawyer’s been upstairs for the last half of the day, guiding the boat along the coastline as we make our way up to Maine. According to him, we have a handful of days left to go.
Something that has me both excited and a little bummed.
Excited, because solid ground and food that Sawyer and I didn’t have to make.
But bummed because, being out here with Sawyer, having it just be the two of us, has given us a lot of time to really get to know each other. Something I wouldn’t have thought we needed since we’ve been friends for so long.
It’s well past nightfall, and Sawyer dropped the anchor about half an hour ago. Right now, he’s getting everything shut down for the night, while I prepare a quick dinner. Tonight, it’s frozen pizzas cooked in the tiny kitchen’s toaster oven.
Man, what I wouldn’t give to get my hands into some actual dough right now.
The door to the cabin opens, and Sawyer peeks his head in. “Hey, come here really quick.”
“What is it?”
“Can you just accept the surprise?” he asks with a grin.
My heart leaps, and I smile, leaving the pizzas to cool on the counter. Right before I reach the door, though, Sawyer steps in front of me. “Do you trust me?”
“I do.”
“Then close your eyes,” he says. “I’ll make sure you don’t fall.”
Excitement thrums in my veins as I do as he asked and close my eyes. Sawyer takes my hand and slowly guides me outside. The salty sea air fills my lungs, and a soft breeze toys with my hair. It’s a little chilly, so I’m glad that I slipped into a sweater earlier.
“You’re not going to make me walk the plank, right?”
He laughs. “Absolutely not. Okay, stop.” Sawyer releases my hand and steps up behind me, his hard body at my back, his strong, capable hands on my shoulders. “Open your eyes,” he whispers, his breath tickling the side of my neck.
Heat spreads through me, attraction and desire that I’ve been fighting to keep in check ever since we decided to just be friends. For now.
I open my eyes and lose my breath when I take in the scene before me. Small, twinkling fairy lights have been strung up along the railing of the boat, the tiny, golden lights just bright enough to cast a romantic glow, but not so bright they take away from the shocking display of stars above.
“Sawyer,” I whisper, my eyes filling.
“Hang on, that’s not all.” He walks forward and turns the knob on the stereo so soft music plays from the boat’s speaker. A swoony song I’ll never forget because it’s the same one we danced to around the firepit what feels like lifetimes ago.
“What did you do all this for?” I ask as he shoves both hands into his pockets.
“I know being out here wasn’t what you wanted, and I am so sorry that everything is up in the air.” He moves toward me. “I just wanted to give you a little slice of happy amidst the chaos.”
A tear slips down my cheek, and I cover my mouth with both hands.
“Is that a good tear?” he asks with an uncomfortable laugh.
“It’s perfect, Sawyer.”
His grin is brighter than any of the lights on this boat. Removing his hands from his pockets, he reaches for me, and I go to him, all of my problems slipping away as he pulls me into his strong arms.
“Can I have this dance?”
“Absolutely.” I rest my head on his chest as he takes my hand in his and wraps one arm around my waist. That night around the fire pit was the first time I’d let myself get lost in a dance. But it was nothing compared to this.
As we sway gently to the music, the sea breeze wrapping around us, I’m able to completely forget reality. For now, it’s just him and me out here on this boat together.
No crazed man chased us away from home.
No walls stand between us.
“There were so many nights I dreamt of this,” Sawyer says. As he speaks, his deep voice vibrates his chest, seeping into my body from where my head rests against him. “Of holding you in my arms beneath a blanket of stars. It felt so out of reach.”
I raise my head so I can look up at him.
“So you’re saying I was on your mind, Maddox?
” It’s my attempt to calm the raging storm inside of me.
We’d agreed to just be friends for now. Until all of this was wrapped up.
But right here, right now, it’s impossible to want to be anything but his everything.
“Always, Knox,” he replies, then leans down to rest his forehead against mine. “I promise that we’ll figure this out. I’m running down every possible—”
“No.” I shake my head and look up at him again. “Sawyer, right now, I just want it to be us. Please? No crazed monsters hunting me, no weights, just us.” A tear slips down my cheek. I’m desperate for him to accept this lifeline. This momentary truce.
“No crazed monsters?” he asks.
“Yes. Please.”
“As you wish,” he whispers.