5. JACOB
Chapter five
JACOB
M y heart is heavy, but I am filled with purpose. I know all the ways I have failed Emily, and I can’t change any of that. What I can control are the conditions Maddie will live in, and as her only surviving relative, I have complete custody over her.
Almost. There is Jeff to think about.
I know a fair amount of family law from the various guys in the navy who would share, complain, and lament about it. What I do know is that if Jeff is on a birth certificate somewhere and hasn’t given up his rights, there’s a good chance that Maddie will go to him if he wants her.
I need more details, but Allison has been pretty tight-lipped.
I don’t know if she is ready to talk about all of that, but it is a real thing we have to address. I make good time on my way back, and before I know it, I am pulling into the driveway of my home. I see Allison’s car is still parked in the driveway. Good!
It is comforting to know they are okay right where I left them. I know I’m being overprotective, but it’s all I can do to keep myself from panicking every time they’re out of my line of sight. I don’t know how much longer Allison will let me keep her locked up like this, or how long it’s even fair, since Maddie is my responsibility, but I’m hoping she gives me at least another week.
Of course, we’re all going to have to brave the roads for the funeral.
The practical reminder slows me down, helping me right myself again. In a way, I feel more like myself when I’m thinking logically. I wipe my hands across my face.
The last week has been so go-go-go. It’s been easy not to let my thoughts linger too long on Emily, even when I’m planning things like her funeral. I’ve been good at losing myself in the logistics—in the mission.
But after the funeral… well, what will be left to do? Besides just… raising Maddie?
I shake my head. No time to think of that now.
Stepping up to the porch, I realize I never had the foresight to program Allison’s number into my phone so I could call her on my way back. I left my house key with Allison, since I only have one. The door’s locked, but I’m afraid to ring the doorbell and wake Maddie up if she’s sleeping.
I peer in through the windows, but I can’t see her. I weigh my options, but eventually decide to knock.
It doesn’t take long for me to realize I should have gotten a spare key when I first moved in.
I’ll be sure to get a second set made. When she finally opens the door, my heart steadies immediately at seeing her. Any earlier annoyance instantly vanishes.
“Hello, Jake. Welcome back.” Allison beams.
Automatically, I smile back. She is eager to have me back, and I’m level headed enough to realize that it isn’t me she’s enthusiastic about, she is just glad to have someone around. Since she has been the first to extend an olive branch by using my nickname, I have to do the same too, and honestly, it is no hard task. I've warmed up to Allison more in these few days than in the last few years I've known her.
“Allie, thank you.” I pull her into a quick hug which stuns her. Cocking my head to the side, I observe her for a few seconds, and I spy a blush rushing up her cheeks. It seems good wisdom not to mention it, and so I don’t. “Are you good?”
She nods. “Just glad you’re back. How did… the funeral home… go?” Allison is hesitant, like she isn’t even sure how to phrase her question.
I get it. “Everything’s planned. It’s taken care of.”
Her relief is immediate. “I… Well, I can help.”
I don’t want to offend her, but… “It’s my responsibility.” Her eyes narrow, so I continue quickly. “I need your help with Maddie.”
“Okay. That’s good to hear. Maddie is sleeping. She went straight to sleep just after you left. She should be waking up anytime now.”
Like a prophet, Maddie starts crying again. I don’t know if my arrival is what has woken her out of her sleep, but she’s awake and needs attention.
Already, a part of me is itching to be with her. It’s like a part of my heart is left with Maddie. I know that it’s part of my grieving, but it’s also partly just her.
Allison follows behind me as I make my way to the makeshift nursery we’ve set up. It’s just a bunch of boxes and a pack-and-play, but for two weeks of guardianship, it’s good enough.
“I think she wants to eat. That’s why I put her to bed so she could wake up hungry.”
“Okay that was a good plan. Thank you, Allie.” I want to pick her up and feed her, but I am still in the clothes in which I went to the funeral home. I smell like death. Even if Maddie doesn’t know it, I don’t want her to smell that. I don’t want her to associate me with it. “Do you think you could hold her for a bit? I want to get out of these clothes.”
“Sure thing.”
“Thank you.” I am an efficient dresser, and my shirt is already off before I make my way out of the room. “This will only take a few minutes.”
“I can see that alright.” Allison’s dry humor has a chuckle rising out of me as I finally get out of earshot.
Taking a quick shower is more than I planned to do, but in for a penny in for a pound, I guess. I scrub hard at my hair and skin. I feel better when I step out, steam fogging up the bathroom. I am fully dressed in as little time as possible, opting out of applying any cologne or aftershave so there’s no possibility of irritation for Maddie. I am back in the living room before my shirt is even buttoned. Allison is trying to coax Maddie into taking the bottle, but the little lady is not interested. She manages to dodge all attempts by Allie to place the nub in her mouth, preferring to let out wails in place of eating.
I can see the frazzled irritation on Allison’s face. I have a surge of sympathy for the amount of time she’s spent babysitting. I know that this wasn’t what she’d expected her life to look like.
And it won’t, not forever. I just need a little help to get things ready…
But right now, it seems like Allie is the one who needs help.
“Can I try?”
She gives me a once over, eyes lingering on my stomach—before traveling back up to my face. I button my shirt.
“Sure. I have a feeling she’ll let you feed her easily. She likes you.” Allison grumbles.
I can’t help teasing her a little bit. “All babies love me.” She rolls her eyes in obvious exasperation, but with humor. Allie obliges me, and Maddie is in my arms immediately. She is glad to be there—raising her arms in a demand to be closer to me. I hold her closer to me, shutting my eyes briefly as I kiss her forehead. It’s only been a short while, but she’s a comfort to me. I might not be great at taking care of her yet, but I do love her.
“She’s just got bad taste, that’s all,” Allison grumbles. I glance at her, and she ticks her lips up a bit to offer a lopsided smile so I know she’s just teasing.
“What do you want, baby? You want to eat?” Picking up the bottle from the table where Allison has dropped it, I move it slowly towards Maddie. “What’s this Maddie? Is it a plane?”
I ask her silly questions as I bring it closer by an inch each time she looks at it. Once her attention is fully on the bottle, I move it closer to her mouth until she takes the hint, opening her mouth so she can drink the milk.
“Thank goodness. How did you manage that?”
“When we were kids, Emily would have problems eating sometimes. Using a spoon as a plane was the only way our mom could get her interested in her food. I hoped that she’d done something similar with Maddie when she was having difficulty with eating.”
The memory pulls at my heart. Emily and I grew up close—thick as thieves, Mom used to say.
Now, I’m the last one standing.
Well, Maddie and me.
“I wouldn’t have thought you’d be good at this.” Allison has a mild look on her face, and the expression makes me slightly uncomfortable for reasons I don’t know so I shrug the compliment away.
“It is just a little bit of silly play. Nothing much, really.” I gently rub Maddie’s head as she keeps up her sucking. She is voracious.
Allison thinks the same thing. “If you were so hungry, then why did you reject your food for so long, Maddie?” Maddie does not deign to give her a reply or any reaction, so she turns her attention back to me. “Kids,” she says, shaking her head from side to side disapprovingly.
Once Maddie is fed and is back to sitting comfortably in my lap, I turn to Allison. It is time to ask her some questions.
As if she can tell, she straightens up. Her brows pull together.
“There are a couple things I still don’t understand. Things I obviously didn’t know about before, and I hoped that you would be able to help me. Can you do that for me, Allie?”
I focus on her for what feels like the thousandth time today, and even though I know it is uncomfortable for her—her fidgeting giving it away—it is necessary. I have a goal, and to make an appropriate plan for it, I need access to more information. Right now, Allison is the person with all the knowledge I need.
I apply most of my interrogation skills here. Resting my free hand on my lap so I can seem as non-confrontational as possible, I lean back on my sofa so it is clear I am relaxed. I’m not trying to manipulate her—just using the tools at my disposal to make this horrible conversation less horrible.
Having Maddie on my lap wasn’t part of the plan, but it helps because her movements and tugs on my shirt have the effect of relaxing me further.
Allison’s eyes flicker across my face. I try not to squirm or flinch.
For a moment, I just look at her, this woman I haven’t really looked at in years. My eyes always grazed right past her when Emily pushed us together, due to a lack of interest and a fear that Emily would read too much into us. Then after… well, I’ve been too preoccupied to let my gaze linger.
But now I do. Her sharp gaze, the depth of her green eyes, the freckles across the tip of her nose—everything about her is captivating, if I give myself the chance to be captured, even for just a second.
It’s not attraction I feel right now. It’s not even appreciation. It’s just… she’s beautiful. It’s just a fact.
“Sure, Jake. I mean, I don’t think I know any specific stuff, but I have an idea about everything. I hope it will be helpful.” She shrugs.
I relax a little at her agreement. “Trust me, anything you know, anything Emily has shared with you will be helpful. Far more helpful than you know. So, thank you. For this.”
“Sure thing.” She nods. Then she hesitates.
I frown. “What?”
“It’s just… I don’t know. It feels wrong, a bit. Telling Emily’s business.”
I feel sour about it myself. I shrug. “It’s for Maddie.”
Allison nods. “For Maddie.”
We glance at her together, our responsibility, and then turn back to each other with serious expressions.
“The first thing I want to know is exactly who Jeff is. I still don’t have a last name, and so I can’t make any searches right now, but I’d like to know anything you know about him. Please.”
I watch her think it over for a while before she speaks. “Okay see, by the time I had moved back here—about six to seven months ago—Jeff was already out of the picture.” Allison taps her finger against her thumb. “But… Jeffrey Walters. That’s his full name.”
Jeffrey Walters.
I already hate the guy.
“That will be helpful. Anything else?”
“I remember he didn’t believe her, at first. She was still having some bleeding, and he thought she was trying to trap him. Emily went on a pretty big tirade about it one night.”
For some reason I find myself chuckling. Maybe it is because I can see the exact look of exasperation on her face, the same one I had seen so many times. “Millie complaining about the unfairness of life was a sight to see. ”
“True. It was almost an art.” Allison laughs, losing herself in the fond memories.
“That it was.” I agree. “Do you know why they split?”
Allison’s expression darkens, signaling that what she is about to say is not something I’ll like to hear, but I’ll hear it anyway. “Jeff could be charming, he was an Ivy League prince and was only here because he had been kicked out of a couple of schools already. Jeff could also be unpleasant, and his drug habit contributed largely to that.”
“Drugs?”
Allison’s eyes widen. Her green eyes narrow. “You aren’t going to, like, John Wick this guy, are you?”
I roll my eyes. “No. But if Emily was doing drugs too…”
“She wasn’t,” Allison insists. She looks serious, and, considering it would affect Maddie, I think she’s telling me the truth. I nod.
The final thing I need to know is his whereabouts, which I can find out in less than a day. Still, it doesn’t hurt to ask. “Do you know where he is?”
“The last time he called asking Millie for some money he was somewhere on a beach in California.”
At least he’s not in town. That’s good.
“Thank you, Allie. You have been more than helpful on a difficult day. Maddie is lucky to have a godmother like you.”
It is impossible to talk to Allie and not be trapped by her green eyes. This time they seem to have a light behind them—maybe it is delight at the compliment—changing them into green flames. In the deepest recesses of my mind, a decision is made to set fire to her eyes in this very way, as often as possible.
Allison has enchanting eyes.