6. ALLISON
Chapter six
ALLISON
“ W e are not discussing this. I’m serious, it is not up for debate. I am going to come with you.”
“There’s really no need to—”
“I know, but I insist,” I tell him. Jacob’s refusal to accept my company is grating. “I’ll drive Maddie, and I’ll be right behind you. And after you’re both settled in, I’ll go home.”
I know why he’s refusing, but I’m sick of it. I’m not helpless, I’m not a kid, and, importantly, I’m not under Jake’s protection.
“Okay. I can work with that.”
“Good boy.”
“Now you’re pushing it,” he playfully warns. I wink, and he grins.
I head to my car while he follows with Maddie’s stroller. The bags are already in his car so all he has to do is lock his doors, and we are on our way.
Time has been moving… slowly. Slow, and fast, all at once.
It has been two full weeks since I showed up on Jacob’s doorstep with a baby. I never thought that two weeks after the death of my best friend, I could feel anything at all. I thought I’d be numb.
And sometimes I am. But sometimes, life is the same. Sometimes life is different.
All of it, all at once.
I shake my head. Alone in the car, it’s easy to feel lost. I drive a familiar route, and nothing about it feels familiar.
When I park beside Jacob’s car, watching him take in the apartment complex, I instantly pull Maddie out of her car seat. I need to hold her. Jacob looks at me, but he seems to realize I need this.
Emily’s place is bright, full of colors and appealing. Jacob looks a bit out of place in the room. He’s tall, big, and broad, though I hadn’t noticed it at the time, likely because I was focused on the baby’s diaper in his adult hand. But now, I realize how comically small everything seems around him. Everything seems almost too little for his grip, but he manages just fine, maneuvering around the clutter and finding his way to Maddison’s nursery.
Laying her in the crib and preparing her for sleep is something he does easily, leaving me in awe of how effortless he makes it all seem. You’d never think he’d only just met this little girl.
Jacob picks up one of the toys—her crib is surrounded by more plushies and toys than she can play with in a lifetime—and lulls her to sleep with a jingle he sings softly to her until she is settled.
I look at her peaceful form, and I know that I can’t stay away for even a day. “I will come by every day at least.”
“Thanks for offering Allie, but I don’t think I’ll need to take that much of your time.”
His easy dismissal stings.
I look towards Maddie, my heart beating fast. My palms start to sweat.
He’s not going to keep her from me, I remind myself, even as my mind starts to buzz.
I know he thinks it’s just physically taxing, but he’ll learn. I had made the same realization after having to babysit for extended periods of time. Having a baby in your care means being completely responsible for its well-being for every second of the day. Babies actively try to self-destruct and days of that can have you going bonkers.
Now that I think about it, that might be what drove Millie round the bend, and then she tried to drive me round it too with those god-awful ringtones…
“Well, Jacob,” I say, patting him on the shoulder in silent solidarity. “When you do need me, call. I’ll do my best.”
“Thanks Allie.”
“And I’ll be by tomorrow either way.”
His brows pop up, surprise evident, but he decides not to argue when he sees my expression. Good. He’s learning.
“Okay. Thanks,” he agrees, and I feel some of the tension leave me.
“You’re welcome.” I lean close to lightly touch Maddie’s chin before I leave. “Be good for your uncle, Princess Maddison. I’ll see you tomorrow, honey.”
Kissing her forehead, I pull her blankets back around her until she is properly covered.
As I head out, Jacob follows me, the baby monitor in his hand.
“I haven’t had a chance to say this until now, but now feels like as good a time as any. I haven’t been back for long, but in all that time, I haven’t seen anyone be as present for Maddison as you are. I told Maddie she’s a lucky girl to have you as a godmother, and I really mean it.” He peers at me with his intense eyes. In this light, his eyes look like a window into the sea.
“The other person who was lucky was Emily—to have a friend like you,” Jacob finishes.
“Thank you, Jake.” I am almost embarrassed by the intensity with which he praises me. It makes me duck my head for a second before I grab my purse. I want to be away from his gaze for a bit, if only so I can recoup myself before I meet it again. “Take care, okay? I’ll be around tomorrow, just like I said,” I say, now that I am safely behind the steering wheel.
“And the next day after that. I remember.” His cheek dimples as one side of his mouth rises in a half smile.
“Exactly! And the next one, and the one right after,” Jacob says, his smile turning playful.
I am beaming by the time I finish my reply. “Bye Jake!” I wave as I start my journey out of the driveway. Jacob steps back for a moment, and the baby monitor walkie-talkie pinned to the front of his dark shirt makes him look exactly like what he is—a navy SEAL dad.
It is a ten minute drive back to my place. When Jacob told me that he had decided to lease his place and stay at Emily’s yesterday, it had filled me with relief. And not just because it meant I could reasonably start staying at my apartment again, instead of in Jacob’s guest room.
It’s a small peace offering, but I see it for what it is—Jacob choosing the place that’s closer to me, rather than the one he’d prefer. It’s a small thing, but it’s putting Maddie—and me—over him. It helps soothe some of my anxiety about this near-stranger taking care of the kid I love like she’s my own.
I’d had my reservations about the guy for years, especially after Emily didn’t want to tell him about her pregnancy.
“He didn’t know about any of it, not even that I was having a kid,” she had sobbed while explaining . “The last time we spoke on a call, he was about to go somewhere and he couldn’t predict when he’d be back. That’s why I didn’t tell him about any of it, I didn’t want him worrying about me, and losing focus on what mattered. I am glad I didn’t say anything, because he is on his way back.”
“But now we are speaking again, and he has a niece he didn’t even know was on the way. This is coming right off a mission that took way too long to come to an end. Allie, do you understand why I have to tell him in stages?”
When she had explained, I had seen her point, but right now, all of it is too hard to deal with.
Being in my room and under the blankets is nice.
I miss Emily. I miss the noise of Maddie. I even miss Jacob.
I know it’s good to get a bit of distance—I’m still job hunting, my leave at my part time gig at the flower shop is probably almost over, and I haven’t called my parents in days. I need the time. But…
I wish I was with them.
I am warm and snug, but I can’t fall asleep yet. I had not been raised Catholic, but Emily had been, so I say a small prayer—an open plea really—for her, and for Maddie too.
I finally drift off into sleep, knowing I would wake with Jake and Maddie on my mind.