Chapter 3
Sean spooned a healthy portion of mashed potatoes onto his plate and ladled gravy over the top.
His mom had gone above and beyond with Sunday dinner to celebrate his first day home.
In addition to the potatoes and gravy, there were golden chicken fried steaks, his favorite pea salad, and caramelized carrots.
“This all looks great, Mom. I appreciate the trouble you went to.”
Mom looked up from fixing a small plate for Jace, who was seated next to her in a highchair, banging his sippy cup on the tray and babbling in anticipation. She sent a quick smile across the table. “Thank you, sweetheart, but it’s never trouble to cook for my men. I enjoy it.”
“Yeah, so she says,” Benjamin said from his place next to Sean. “But it’s been a long time since she loaded the table with all my favorites.”
“Oh, don’t be such a baby.” Kinsley, Benjamin’s very pregnant wife, leaned forward to look past her husband and catch Sean’s eye. “He never met a chicken fried steak he didn’t like.”
Benjamin forked one of the large pieces of meat from the platter. “Gotta keep up my strength, babe. I’ll be a daddy soon, and chasing after a baby is a full-time job.” He shoulder-bumped Sean. “Ain’t that so, bro?”
Sean managed a tight smile while something unpleasant gnawed at his stomach.
He focused on his plate as his family chattered around him and Mom continued her campaign to win Jace’s affection with food.
He’d known there’d be uncomfortable aspects of coming home, but he hadn’t anticipated this.
.. He searched for a word to describe what was eating at him.
The best he could come up with was anger, and that wasn’t really it.
He loved his brother. Between them they had the complete twin package.
Alike in so many ways, but exact opposites in others.
Benjamin was an outgoing, never-met-a-stranger, larger-than-life prankster.
Sean was more introspective and introverted.
Even during his time in the ministry he’d never been comfortable being the center of attention.
And when it came to Benjamin’s pranks, Sean was often the butt of the joke instead of an equal participant.
They were both competitive by nature, but he figured that was part of being a guy.
Where Sean had held his own on whatever sports field they were on, Benjamin excelled, always winning two awards to Sean’s one.
But they were adults now. He didn’t care about any of that stuff anymore.
Sean cut his eyes to the left just in time to see Kinsley reach for Benjamin’s hand and lay it on her belly. His brother grinned, yelling, “Touchdown.”
The word Sean had been searching for solidified.
Not anger but envy.
It wasn’t fair.
Benjamin had always been the popular guy that good things came to easily.
Maybe some of those childhood things weren’t as resolved as Sean had thought.
As much as he loved his brother. As happy as he was for Benjamin and the life he was building. As much as he wouldn’t wish what he’d gone through these last few months on his worst enemy. Sean was deeply envious of the contentment that radiated from his brother like light from the sun.
Once again, Benjamin was winning in the game of life.
His own pathetic misery made his favorite meal taste like straw. He forced himself to swallow his bite, wishing he could excuse himself. But hurting Mom’s feelings would only make him feel worse, so he forced himself to scoop up another bite.
“Is your dinner OK?”
He looked up. His mother was studying him, worry lines etched between her brows.
Mothers and their radar.
“I’m fine.” It was a lie, but he already had so many negative points stacked up between him and God, what was one more? “I think the drive is catching up with me.” He cut a piece of meat, forked it, and held it up. “But there’s no way I’m letting a bite of this go to waste.”
As plates were emptied and the people around the table settled back in their chairs in satisfaction, Mom hopped to her feet.
“Don’t get too comfortable, there’s dessert.”
Groans, some sounding like anticipation and others like I-can’t-eat-another-bite echoed from Sean’s family. Ignoring them all, Mom gathered dinner plates.
Kinsley scooted her chair back. “Let me get some of these.”
“Thank you, sweetheart.” Mom, her hands loaded with dirty dishes, disappeared into the kitchen.
Moments later, she reappeared carrying three plates, each bearing a piece of her signature coconut cream pie, Sean’s favorite dessert in the whole world.
Mom served Dad before coming around to place one in front of Sean. She leaned down and kissed the top of his head. “Welcome home.” Once she returned to her place next to Jace, she cut a small bite for him. The baby’s squeal of delight and his reaching hands were all the testimony the pie needed.
Sean grinned at his son. The little boy had mashed potatoes in his hair and gravy smeared across his face. He’d need a bath before nap time but he’d never looked happier.
Kinsley brought a slice for Benjamin and what looked like a half slice for herself.
“Where’s the rest of yours?” Benjamin asked.
“Still in the kitchen.” Kinsley rubbed her rounded middle. “This kiddo is taking up entirely too much space. No way could I eat a whole piece.”
“Dibs on the rest of my wife’s pie,” Benjamin said.
Sean couldn’t help the quick grin that lifted the corners of his mouth. Some things never changed and for a second, he felt about twelve years old. A younger Sean would have argued for extra pie if Benjamin was having seconds. The adult Sean realized he’d do good to finish what was on his plate.
Dad kissed Mom’s cheek, whispering something he couldn’t hear. The affection in his parents’ eyes warmed him. It hadn’t been so long ago that their marriage seemed doomed to failure. Now, they were one of the happiest couples he knew.
He swallowed hard.
Maybe Benjamin and Kinsley weren’t the only couple he was jealous of. The thought turned his stomach. What kind of man was jealous of his parents’ marriage? He pushed the rest of his pie away. Even the desire to spare his mother’s feelings couldn’t force another bite past his constricted throat.
“Alex, you outdid yourself. Thank you for an amazing meal.” Dad directed his attention toward Sean. “Are you finished?”
“I couldn’t eat another bite if someone had a gun to my head.”
“Good. I have something I want to talk to you about, but I didn’t want to interrupt the pleasure of our meal with business.”
“OK...” Sean couldn’t help a spike of worry. It’d been a year of bad news. He couldn’t handle any more.
“I know it’s your first day home, and it might be a few days before you’re ready to consider getting back to work, but I have an opportunity for you to think and pray about.”
Sean didn’t know where Dad was going with this, but he had a sinking feeling he wasn’t going to like it.
“I have a pastor friend in Oklahoma City, Paul McKey. We had lunch last week and he mentioned that they’re looking for a new youth pastor. Of course, I thought about you.”
Sean closed his eyes and bowed his head. He’d known that the subject of his ministry would come up, but he hadn’t expected it on his first full day home. He certainly hadn’t planned to have the discussion in front of his whole family. “Dad, I—”
“Now don’t be upset. I know you’re a grown man, perfectly capable of handling your own affairs.
But this seemed like a God-orchestrated conversation, and I couldn’t let it pass by without planting a seed.
I told him about your successful ministry in Ohio and that you were on your way home.
He was very enthusiastic about meeting with you.
He even said he’d hold off on advertising the opening until you two could get together. ”
This time Sean didn’t have to search for a word to describe what he was feeling. This time it was anger, pure and simple.
Anger at feeling pushed into a corner.
Anger at the inability to broach this delicate subject in his own way.
Anger that there was no hope of retrieving what he’d lost, both personally and professionally.
The heat of it blossomed in his chest and spread to his extremities. “No.” The single syllable was almost harsh enough to rattle the plates remaining on the table.
“Whoa, bro,” Benjamin muttered from beside him.
Sean didn’t even spare his brother a look. His whole attention was focused on his father as he fought for calm. When he finally spoke, his words were less harsh but just as decisive. “You need to call your friend and tell him thanks, but no thanks. I’m not interested.”
His dad’s expression shifted from excited to puzzled. “How can you say that before you even talk to him?”
“How?” Sean’s chuckled question lacked any humor.
He focused on the wall behind his father’s head.
“Let me tell you how.” He took a deep breath.
What he was about to say was going to sink their pleasant Sunday dinner like the Titanic.
“Except for this morning, I haven’t been inside a church in more than six months. ”
Dad sat back, stunned. “Son, I don’t... What about your hopes and dreams? What about your calling?”
“Are you talking about the hopes and dreams that took me away from my wife when she needed me most? Or maybe the hopes and dreams that left me to raise my son alone.” He worked to get his temper under control, but when the anger seeped away, all that was left was unspeakable sadness.
His eyes were so blurred by tears that he could hardly see his father’s face. “What do you think happened to them?”
He’d never known Hunter Conklin to be at a loss for words, but Dad just stared at him.
“My dreams died from terminal guilt and regret.”
“Sean.” Mom’s voice was kind.
He braced himself, knowing what was coming, and looked at her.
“Brittany’s death was a tragedy that none of us will ever get over, but you’re not responsible. Blaming yourself isn’t what God wants for you.”