Chapter 14
The words left Sean’s mouth in a whisper.
He’d never shared the totality of this story with anyone except his parents and Benjamin.
Brittany had known, of course but she’d lived and died through it so maybe her knowledge didn’t count.
What he saw in Monica’s eyes brought him a little comfort.
Sympathy but not pity. Expectation but not demand.
“The summer I was fourteen, Dad took us on the only family vacation I ever remember having. Mom had been hounding him for years to take a week off so we could all go to Disney World. He finally gave in.”
Monica raised her eyebrows. “How fun.”
“It felt a little too good to be true, but we were excited. I still remember the night Mom came into our room and told us to pack our bags. It was Saturday, and we were leaving on Monday morning for ten glorious days. By the time I went to bed that night my room was a shambles, but my bags were packed and sitting beside my bedroom door. My mind was already on a roller coaster somewhere in Orlando.”
“It wasn’t until we reached our hotel that we found out why Dad had agreed to the trip. The car was barely unloaded Tuesday evening before Benjamin and I were begging to go to Disney. That’s when Dad told us that the parks had to wait until Thursday.”
“Why the delay? Who goes to Orlando and doesn’t hit the parks first thing?”
“Hunter Conklin, that’s who, and by default, Mom, Benjamin, and me.
” Sean rushed to the next part of the story without giving Monica a chance to respond.
“There was a huge crusade in Orlando that year. The two people Dad wanted to hear were both speaking on Wednesday. He’d decided that the first day of our vacation would be spent going to church in an arena with thousands of other people.
Not an excursion we’d planned for.” He drained the last of his lukewarm coffee before meeting Monica’s gaze again.
“One of the speakers was Matthew Wright.”
Sean watched in silence as Monica tried to put his memories and his present feelings into context. He wished her luck. There was no way to draw a straight line from his first encounter with Matthew Wright to his last and arrive at the bitter outcome. It was more like the tracings of an EKG machine.
When Monica finally spoke, her eyes were narrowed and crinkled at the corners. “You dislike Matthew Wright because he interrupted your vacation?”
“No.”
The crinkles got deeper. “Was his message that bad?”
“It was actually one of the best sermons I’ve heard in my entire life. By the time he was done, I was sitting on the edge of my seat.”
“I don’t understand.”
Sean stood, went to the sink, and rinsed out his cup.
This was the hard part. He almost hoped that Jace would wake up so he’d have an excuse to be done.
When his subliminal message to the cosmos failed, he returned to the bar and took his seat.
“That sermon changed the direction of my life. Matthew was forceful and charismatic and sympathetic and convincing all at the same time, and I wanted to be just like him. I left the arena that night with something in my spirit that I could not let go of. I went in a typical fourteen-year-old with no thought beyond what happens before bedtime, and I came out knowing that I was called to the ministry.”
“Sean, that’s amazing.”
“Maybe for some people, but it terrified me. I’d grown up watching my dad.
I saw the cost of ministry firsthand. I’d seen the toll it’d taken on my parents’ marriage.
They were...” Sean paused for a moment and thought carefully about how he should phrase his next thought.
The gritty details were his parents’ story not his, so he went with simple.
“Living on the brink of divorce and us kids? Dad was never home, he never went to school functions, he never had time to do the things regular dads do. That wasn’t how I wanted to live my life. ”
Monica frowned. “Hold up a minute. Your parents seem like they have an incredibly solid marriage.”
“They do now. You said you’ve been here less than a year. A few years ago things weren’t so sunny for any of us. The life they’re living in the ministry right now is one I was proud to try to emulate, but at the age of fourteen, that was not the example or the life I had.
“Anyway, I walked out of that arena with a load on my shoulders that I wasn’t sure how to carry.
I certainly didn’t mention it to either of my parents.
I spent the rest of my school years, even into college, searching for something other than the ministry to satisfy my life and future.
It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I finally gave in to the inevitable. ”
Monica touched his hand. “You make it sound like a prison sentence.”
Sean’s answering grin was wry. “God and I may not be on the best of terms right now, but I haven’t forgotten what I was taught all my life.
I’m a firm believer that we are all born with a call on our lives and a path to follow.
Fighting against that calling just makes life tougher.
” He was preaching to himself, and the words pricked his heart.
I still have a path for you, son. I have good things for your future.
Sean grimaced as God stacked love on top of his guilt.
With a deep breath, he continued his story.
“I transferred to a university in Oregon for my junior and senior years. While I was studying theology, Matthew Wright held another crusade. I signed up as a volunteer for the event and spent every night for a week soaking in some of the best ministry I’d ever experienced.
When the event was over, Matthew held a meet-and-greet for all of the volunteers.
I was overwhelmed to be in the same room with such greatness. ”
Monica laughed. “You’re such a goof.”
“Really?” Sean met her gaze. “The way you talk about him, you sound a lot like I did back then.”
“I’ll give you that, but there are worse heroes to have than a minister. Did you get to meet him?”
“We had a nice long talk. I told him about the impact he’d had on my life, and we exchanged contact information.
Over the next few years, Matthew sent me many encouraging emails.
He always wanted to know how my studies were going, always offered to help if I had questions.
When I graduated, he sent a really nice handwritten letter telling me how proud he was of me and my dedication to the ministry. ”
“That’s super nice.” Monica sounded confused, which he understood.
Sean stood and paced to the refrigerator, where he grabbed a bottle of cold water. He twisted the cap off, tossed it at the trash can, and drained nearly the whole bottle in one gulp. It didn’t help his parched throat.
He leaned against the refrigerator, his eyes closed, his mind far from Garfield, Oklahoma.
“Then I met Brittany and everything changed. I knew she was the one for me the moment I saw her. When I found out that she held a major in psychology and a minor in theology, I knew that our coming together was a God thing. Dating was just a formality. We were married before the end of the year.”
“How long did you know each other before you got married?”
“About six months.”
“That’s a quick courtship.”
“When you know, you know. We knew.” Sean pushed away from the refrigerator and prowled the room.
“I’d already been in discussions with the lead pastor at the church in Ohio.
He was happy to welcome both of us. We were there about two and a half years when we found out she was expecting Jace.
” He paused at the door, wanting nothing more than to walk away.
The next part of the story would either kill him or cleanse him.
He didn’t know which, but there was no middle ground.
“She was three months along when I got an invitation from Matthew.”
“That sounds ominous.”
Sean turned around at Monica’s whispered words.
“It shouldn’t have been. He was starting a mentorship program.
He was inviting two young ministers to join him in Arizona for four months, all expenses paid.
He wanted me to be one of the first two.
His letter said it was something he felt God had laid on his heart and if it worked, it would turn into an annual thing. He wanted me there in two weeks.”
“You must have been so excited.”
“Not nearly as excited as Brittany. She jumped around the room like we’d just won the lottery.
All she could talk about was how good this was going to be for my ministry.
How God was opening doors for us that we never imagined.
All I could think about was the lousy timing.
I wasn’t leaving Brittany for four months with the baby on the way.
“I sat Brittany down and told her all the reasons I couldn’t go.
She was having none of it. She was healthy, the pregnancy was healthy, and the baby was fine.
She pointed to the part of the note that said experimental.
If it wasn’t as successful as Matthew wanted, I might not get another chance.
As far as she was concerned, that was worth four months of our lives.
” Sean lifted his eyes to the ceiling, shook his head, and shrugged.
“I never learned to out-talk that psychology degree. I was packed and on a plane almost before I knew what was happening.”
“She wanted the best for you.”
“She did.” I only wish she’d wanted the best for herself.
The thought was maudlin, and he didn’t repeat it aloud.
“I learned more in those four months about boots-on-the-ground ministry than I had in two years of college and all my time in youth ministry.
There were nights I went to bed thinking my head might explode, but every night I thanked God for the opportunity and Brittany for pushing me into it.
“Missing Brittany almost killed me, but we had daily FaceTime conversations. I shared what I’d learned and she talked about the baby and how excited she was.
Together, we counted the days until I could go home.
” He closed his eyes, not wanting to acknowledge what he’d known.
But in for a penny... “She looked a little drawn and tired some days, but I figured that was normal. When I asked how she was doing, she said she was fine.”
He paused and closed his eyes. It wasn’t a raspy throat he was fighting, it wasn’t words from his Heavenly Father he was ignoring.
It was a fight to keep the tears from spilling onto his cheeks.
The betrayal, the lies still had the power to rip out his heart.
The weight of them had him slumping back onto his barstool.
“Of course I believed her. Why wouldn’t I have? ”
Monica threaded her fingers through his. “I wanted to know your story but you don’t have to tell me. I can see how much it’s hurting you.”
Sean exhaled through pursed lips. “I need to finish it.” He drained the remainder of the water in the bottle.
“When I got home in October, I found out that Brittany had been less than honest with me. She wasn’t OK.
She’d been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer.
something that had probably been growing since before she got pregnant.
If she hadn’t been pregnant, it could have been treated.
But she chose to forgo treatment to protect the baby. ”
“Oh, Sean.”
He couldn’t take the sympathy right now. “By the time I got home, it was too late to do anything about it. She died the night Jace was born. She never got to hold him. She was fading so quickly by the time the C-section was done that I don’t even know if she saw him.” His voice cracked.
Monica gripped his hand, but he couldn’t look at her.
“She was just gone, my hand in hers, our newborn son lying on her chest, our future...rewritten.”
He didn’t fight Monica when she pulled him into her arms.
“I’m so sorry.”
He leaned on her, finding comfort in her embrace. “If she’d just told me, I’d have come home. I’d have... I’d have...”
He didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
Would he have sacrificed Brittany for Jace, or Jace for Brittany? He’d lived with that question for more than a year now.
Brittany’s doctors had assured him that, even if she had risked the pregnancy with treatment, it would’ve only bought a year, maybe two. A few extra months with Brittany as she fought a battle she couldn’t win versus years with their thriving, healthy son.
It was an equation with no answer. But there was one question he had the answer to.
Sean sniffed and pulled away from Monica’s embrace. “That’s why I can’t stand to talk about Matthew Wright. If it hadn’t been for my stupid hero worship, I’d have been home when she needed me.”
Monica placed her hands on his arms and looked into his eyes. “I hear you. But Sean, Matthew didn’t know any more than you did. You can’t blame him for mentoring you. Have you talked to him at all?”
Sean swiped at the tears he’d failed to keep from falling.
“He sent a few emails. I didn’t respond to any of them.
At first, I just couldn’t talk to him. Then I had an infant to take care of, then I figured there wasn’t much point.
Everything you say is true. He didn’t know and he was trying to help me.
My head knows that, but my heart can’t let go of the blame.
If I spoke to him, it’d probably make matters worse. ”
Whimpers sounded from the playpen, and Sean looked at his watch. “I guess I have to get Jace home for the party.”
Monica stepped back but before she could retreat too far Sean captured her hands in his. “Thank you.”
“All I did was listen.”
“You did exactly what I needed.” She’d listened, but she’d also heard him, and the two were not the same. The weight he carried felt lighter than it had in twelve months, and he wasn’t ready to let that go. “Come to the party?”
“I’d like that very much.”
***
“...Happy birthday to you.”
The group assembled for the party clapped as the song ended.
Sean lifted a cupcake with a single candle and placed it in front of Jace in his high chair.
When the baby reached for it, Sean grabbed his hands.
“Not so fast, buddy. We have to get that candle blown out.” He tried to demonstrate what he needed Jace to do, but he was only frustrating Jace and amusing the crowd.
Admitting defeat, Sean closed his eyes and blew out the candle.
When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Monica with her sweet smile, her eyes shining with obvious love for his son.
His heart lurched, and he closed his eyes a second time, bracing for the pain that always followed.
But when it came it was a gentle wave in comparison to the normal flash flood.
Maybe it was time.