Chapter 11 Esme #2
“I have a friend I feel that way about too.”
“Have you told her?” I asked.
“No. We work together, so it’s complicated.”
“Why is everything always so complicated?” I asked.
“No idea, but it always is. Have you told Grady how you feel?”
“No. He’s not what I need.”
“Only what you want?” Mark asked gently.
“Yeah, something like that.” I sighed, pushing my plate away. “He’s someone who enjoys a less than mainstream existence, which would be fine except that I have two little ones who need security and a steady life. I have to think of them first. And Grady’s not the guy for us.”
“He might step up. If you ask him,” Mark said.
“And what about this friend of yours? What’s so complicated about it?”
Pink crept up his neck. “She used to date my brother.”
“Your brother. Okay, yes, that does make it complicated. Why did they break up?”
“He died.”
“Oh my goodness, Mark, I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks. We got close after that—comforting each other. It’s been two years and, well, what kind of man falls for his dead brother’s girlfriend?”
“A human one.”
Madison came running back, climbing into the chair next to me. “Mommy, there’s a Nemo fish in that tank.”
An announcement came over the speaker. “Dr. Brenner, please report to pediatrics.”
“That’s me,” Mark said.
“Yes, go. We should get back too.” I stood, gathering our trash.
Mark stood too. “I’m glad we ran into each other. It helps to know what’s really going on.”
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out. I wish they could.”
“I wish that too.”
“But the heart wants what it wants,” I said, smiling despite the ache in my chest.
“Divine timing, right?” Mark crouched down to Madison’s level. “It’s nice to meet you, young lady. You take care of your mom, okay?”
“How?” Madison asked.
“Just by being you,” Mark said, standing. “Bye, Esme.” He held out his hand to squeeze mine. “You let me know if you ever need anything. Anything at all.”
“I will. And the same goes for you too.”
He gave me a sad smile and then hurried away, out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. When he reached the entryway, he turned back and gave me a little wave. And then he was gone.
“Mommy, what’s the matter?” Madison asked, looking up at me.
“Nothing. Let’s get out of here. I have a lot to do at the shop. You’re going to have to hang out with me there today.”
“Can I go back to school tomorrow?” Madison asked as we headed toward the exit.
“Yes. Now that we have the doctor’s approval,” I said.
We walked down the long hallway to the parking garage, my mind cluttered with too many thoughts and my heart with too many feelings. Regardless, I needed to set them aside and get back to the shop. I had bills to pay.
That night, I stood at the stove stirring pasta sauce while water boiled for spaghetti. Given everything, it was the best I could come up with. Fortunately, both my kids loved pasta.
Madison sat at the table with her Barbie coloring book, tongue poking out in concentration as she colored a mermaid’s tail bright purple. Robbie was across from her, chemistry textbook open, taking notes.
I added oregano to the sauce, tasted it and decided it needed salt. I reached for the shaker.
“I wish Grady was here,” Madison said. “He loves spaghetti. Except he puts that stinky cheese on it.”
“It’s parmesan,” Robbie said, not looking up from his book. “Freshly grated.”
“Yeah, that.” Madison switched to a pink crayon for Barbie’s dress. “When’s he coming back?”
“Tomorrow,” I said, stirring. “I think.”
“Mommy’s date was at the hospital,” Madison said.
“The doctor?” Robbie asked, looking up from his homework.
“Yes, we ran into him,” I said quickly. “When we were having lunch.”
“Interesting,” Robbie said.
“What’s interesting about it?” Madison asked.
“How did you know I’d gone on a date with him?” I asked.
“I figured it out on the way home,” Madison said.
“Are you going out with him again?” Robbie asked.
“No.” I left it at that. But of course my inquisitive children wouldn’t take the hint to drop it.
“Why not?” Robbie asked.
“No spark,” I said.
“You have a spark with Grady,” Madison said. “Grace told me everyone knows you love him the most.”
“Everyone?” My chest tightened. I did not like the idea that the kids were talking about Grady and me. Not that I should be surprised since five fourteen year olds had decided to put us on a dating site. “Robbie, what does she mean?”
“Just what she said, Mother. Everyone knows how you feel about Grady. Not everyone knows how he feels about you, however. That is only me.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, sharper than I meant to. “Did he say something to you?”
“Nothing.” Robbie returned his gaze to his textbook.
Before I could ask him for clarification, Madison piped up. “I want Grady to be my daddy.” She said this while coloring a Barbie’s car hot pink. “Like how Alex is Grace’s daddy now. And Vance is Margot and Mia’s daddy.”
I paused, holding the wooden spoon aloft, a sick feeling coming over me. “Madison, it’s not that simple.”
“Why not?” Madison asked.
I stirred the sauce harder than necessary. “Adult relationships are complicated.”
“But why? You laugh so much when you’re together. I don’t get it.” Madison shook her head, like an old, wise woman instead of a six year old. “You should be together all the time.”
“They’re both too stubborn, Madison. At least so far,” Robbie said.
I turned to look at him. “Excuse me?”
He kept writing. “Nothing.”
“Robbie. What do you mean by that?”
“Just that it’s obvious.”
“What’s obvious?”
“That you love each other.” He said it flatly, like he was stating a chemical equation. “We all know it, which frankly is exceedingly frustrating.”
Madison nodded enthusiastically. “See? Robbie knows.”
“Robbie,” I said carefully, “you don’t know what you’re talking about. Grady and I are friends. Anyway, he doesn’t feel that way about me.”
“You are incorrect, Mother.” He looked up, his expression matter-of-fact. “He told me.”
Everything stopped. The sauce kept bubbling and the water kept boiling but I couldn’t move.
“What did Grady tell you?” I asked. “Tell me exactly.”
He sighed and closed his chemistry book. “When Madison was in surgery, we were talking and I asked him point-blank if he was in love with you.”
I gripped the edge of the counter. “You—what?”
“I asked him if he loved you. And he said yes.” Robbie picked up his pencil again.
“I probably wasn’t supposed to tell you.
He wanted to tell you himself. So if you could just pretend I didn’t say anything when he finally confesses, I would appreciate it.
I do not want to start a relationship with my new stepfather on hostile terms.”
“I can’t believe you asked him …” I couldn’t finish the sentence. “Do you think he meant romantically? Because I know he loves me as a friend.”
“Mother, really, this is tiresome,” Robbie said. “You’re smarter than this.”
I felt light-headed. Could it be true? He shared my feelings?
“He was a wreck while you were on the date with @KidDoc,” Robbie said. “It was almost sad.”
“A wreck how?” Madison asked.
“You had to be there,” Robbie said. “But he was fidgeting and looking at the clock every few minutes. He did not say this, but I don’t believe he heard a word of the documentary we were watching. Love does terrible things to a man’s brain.”
“Are you sure about this?” I asked. “Because this is very important to me.”
“I’m sure,” Robbie said.
The room seemed fuzzy, like I was watching everything through a cheesecloth.
I set aside the wooden spoon and stumbled over to take a glass out of the cupboard, then filled it with water from the pitcher I kept in the fridge.
My mouth was so dry my lips stuck together as I lifted the glass to take a drink.
Madison watched me, crayon frozen in mid-air. “Mommy? Are you okay?”
I turned back to the stove. The sauce was starting to burn, so I hastily turned off the heat. “I’m fine.” My voice sounded strange. Far away.
“You look kind of wobbly,” Madison said.
I was kind of wobbly.
Grady loved me.
I stared down at the fragrant sauce, trying to figure what I was supposed to do with it. Sauce onto pasta. That was the next step.
“Mom?” Madison asked. “Is the spaghetti ready?”
“Yes, it’s ready,” I managed. “Go wash your hands. Both of you. I’ll serve it up.”
They scrambled off to the bathroom. I heard the water running and their voices muffled through the wall.
I stood there alone in the kitchen, hand pressed to my chest, trying to breathe.
I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. I rolled onto my side, pulling the quilt up to my chin. The apartment was cold tonight, with October leaking in through the old windows. I would have adjusted the thermostat but the bill had been so high last winter I didn’t dare.
Why had Grady never admitted his feelings to me? Was it the same reason I hadn’t told him how I felt? He knew it would be a disaster. Two people with no money and no big dreams, other than another sunset and another wave? We were too much alike, always chasing fun instead of a steady career.
Regardless, I wanted him. But wanting wasn’t enough. Not when I had two kids depending on me to make smart choices. I rolled onto my back again, staring at the crack in the ceiling.
Were we bound to make the same mistakes over and over?
For too long, I’d held on to the hope that Jeff would get himself together.
Find a good job and be there for Robbie and me.
The nights I’d spent on my knees, praying for something to change in him, were too many to count.
Wasted prayers because he had no intention of being anyone but himself.
Which was true about me too. And Robbie.
And then Madison was born, and nothing changed.
We were all who we were, for better or worse.
One thing I knew for sure, though. I was better off without Jeff. So were my kids.
But, as if I hadn’t learned my lesson the first time, I was in love with another man who refused to live a conventional life.
Yes, he was noble and principled. He’d walked away from his father and his job and a life that most people would have killed to have.
Great qualities, unless you had two children.
I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes, trying not to cry.
However, Grady was different than Jeff in one important way. He didn’t promise to be there for me and then do the opposite. Grady always did what he said he would. I could count on him night or day. And so could my kids. Yet, that didn’t change the fact that two broke people were just that. Broke.
Think about how he is with the kids, a little voice whispered to me.
He accepts them just as they are. Not only that, but he adores them.
Watching those boring documentaries with Robbie.
Letting Madison put a barrette in his hair and wearing it all night.
He was a good man. That was the thing my brain kept snagging on.
Was that enough? And if not, was I the most shallow person in the world?
I really hoped not, but the facts seemed stacked quite clearly in that direction. It was in fact me who was the terrible person in this equation. Robbie could probably prove it with a pie chart.
My phone buzzed on the bedside table.
Grady
Hey! Hope you had a good day. It’s been a little hectic here so I haven’t had time to text.
Hope you’re still up to get this one. I’m going to stay an extra day.
My sister and I have a bunch of stuff to take care of and I don’t want to have to come back.
How’s Madison? Is she still in pain? Did Robbie decide what he’s doing for his science project?
And what about the Morrison wedding? Did you get everything done in time?
Esme
Hey! My day was a little weird. I’ll tell you about it when you get home.
Madison is fine. Her follow up check up was today and she’s healing.
Not in any pain. Back to talking about Barbies and unicorns.
Robbie and I didn’t talk about his science project.
I’m not sure what you’re even talking about. #momoftheyear
Grady
You are mom of the year! Robbie mentioned it the other night when I was over. Something about a competition coming in the spring. I’m sure he’ll tell you about it later. I’m glad Madison’s okay. I was worried about her.
Esme
What’s it like being back? Weird?
Grady
Yep. Eye-opening, though. I have lots to tell you when I get back. I booked a flight for the day after tomorrow. Maybe I can come by so we can chat?
Esme
I’d love that.
Grady
Are you going out with the doctor again?
Esme
No. I ran into him today at the hospital. Turns out he’s in love with his late brother’s girlfriend so he’s a bust as far as that goes. Nice guy, though.
Grady
What!? That sounds like one of those romance novels you love. I’m sorry. I hope you’re not disappointed.
Esme
I’m fine. I didn’t feel the spark with him anyway. It’s for the best. I mean, not for him, what with this awkward situation with the woman he loves.
Grady
Okay, as long as you’re good.
Esme
We all missed you tonight. The kids were wishing you were here for spaghetti dinner. Other than your stinky cheese.
Grady
Someday Madison will learn the error of her ways when it comes to parmesan cheese. Listen, young lady, you should be asleep. It’s late. I just wanted to touch base.
Esme
I’m glad you did. Willet Cove feels pretty lonely without you.
Grady
Get some sleep. I’ll text you tomorrow.
Esme
Night. And thanks for texting. I was hoping you would.
Grady
You can reach out to me anytime, you know. If you need anything or if you just want to talk. I’m always here for you.
Esme
I know. Thank you.
I set the phone aside and lay back down, resting my cheek against the pillow, staring at the wall until finally fatigue set in and I fell asleep, only to dream about riding a wave so large it knocked me off my board and into the riptide.