Eight #3
I dipped my legs further between his, shifting up onto his chest. “Well, I changed my mind.”
The grinding hum of the AC filled the few beats of silence between us. Then I leaned forward, brushing my lips over his. Wet strands of my hair fell around my face as I willed his fingers to tangle in my roots. Willed his hips to rock beneath mine. Willed his hands to travel beneath my clothes.
But he wasn’t doing anything.
Gently, I tried to coax his mouth to open but he didn’t budge.
He wasn’t kissing me back at all. He didn’t move to touch me, tilt his head, or even breathe for that matter. Tears stung my nose as I pulled away. And when I looked down into his face, I saw something that terrified me far more than the vacancy that typically resided there.
Anger.
His eyelids wrinkled at the corners, his jaw set, his body stiff and unyielding.
I smothered a cry at the back of my throat as my muscles tensed with the urge to slap him.
The conversation Peter and I had in the car filled my memory, slicing my heart with panic.
“This might be all we ever have.”
“I can’t afford to think like that.”
“You can’t afford not to.”
Embarrassed, I rolled off of him, my belly as hollow as a rotting tree.
I couldn’t continue like this.
The heartbreak would eventually kill me.
Or based on how dead I felt inside, maybe it already had.
My internal clock forced me awake at 5 a.m. I was used to waking up early for work.
And I was not used to getting a solid eight hours of sleep.
The combo had me bright-eyed and bushy tailed way before sunrise.
For a while, I tossed and turned, trying to go back to sleep, but at 5:20-ish I gave up and slipped on a long sleeve t-shirt and a pair of jeans.
Hollie had said we were welcome to join the cowboys for breakfast if we wanted. And I realized I did very much want a cup of coffee—if for no other reason than to escape the fifth wheel.
I tip-toed down the metal steps until I stood beneath the star lit sky. Gazing upward, I marveled that there were so many stars at this time in the morning. How long until sunrise? Based on where the sun set last night, I glanced toward the East, noting a large hilly ridge in the distance.
I picked my way up the slope toward the back of the big house, catching a scent of bacon and soft voices as I ascended the porch steps. Following the wraparound porch, I found the picnic table and all the cowboys gathered around it.
Tag was the first one to notice me. His early morning voice rasped a little. “Mornin’ Sarah.”
“Good morning.” I gave them all an awkward wave.
“I didn’t expect to see you out and about this early.”
“I couldn’t fall back asleep. I figured I’d grab a cup of coffee.”
“Pot’s in the kitchen. Fix a plate too if you’re hungry.”
“Thanks. Where should I watch the sun rise?”
A soft smile pulled at his lips. “This entire side of the ranch”—he lifted his left hand and pointed toward the front of the big house—“gets great views. You’d be hard pressed to find a bad spot.”
Thanking him, I slipped through the side door into the kitchen to find Jesse hungrily kissing Hollie, her butt braced against the edge of the counter and his hands on her belly beneath her shirt. A small oh escaped my lips as I whirled back to the door.
“Sarah!” Hollie called me, her voice tinged with laughter. “Come in! We were just saying goodbye.”
I cringed. “I’m so sorry.”
Jesse chuckled as he plucked his hat off the counter and settled it on his head. “No problem. Cade and I have to hit the road anyway.” He cupped her chin and placed one more tender kiss on her lips. “Call me after breakfast.”
“I will.” They exchanged I love yous then Jesse stepped around me, grinning like he’d won the lottery.
I couldn’t help but grin, too.
When the door closed behind him, Hollie blushed. “Sorry you had to see that.”
A laugh bubbled out of my throat. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m honestly kind of jealous. That was one heck of a kiss.”
Hollie laughed too, absentmindedly touching her lips.
“How long is he going to be away?”
Even though her eyes shimmered, her smile faded. “Five days.”
“And you guys would’ve gone with him in the fifth wheel, right?”
“Don’t you worry about that.” She waved me off. “The girls and I are fine staying home this time.” Then she frowned. “Wait, why are you up so early?”
I explained as she poured me a mug of coffee and served up a plate of bacon, jalapeno cornbread, and scrambled eggs.
Then I sat at the kitchen counter and we chatted for a long while.
We talked about her pregnancy, and she told me they decided to keep the gender of their new baby a surprise.
Then we talked about the fifth wheel, how she homeschooled the kids on the road, among other things.
When I only had a few bites of my food left, her expression turned serious. “I’m actually glad you’re up here without Peter. I wanted to talk with you.”
Concerned, I set my fork down. “Go ahead.”
“Bea and I were talking last night…” She shook her head. “We knew Peter was struggling, but he looks so different, Sarah. Not like the brother we know.”
She put her finger directly on the ever-bleeding wound in my heart.
“Sometimes it’s hard for Bea and I to get a gauge on what’s happening back in Colorado because we get a lot of information through Mom.
And she’s…” Hollie’s words trailed off as she thought for a moment.
“Well, you know Mom. She likes to help and she worries too much. We’ve wondered how much of Peter’s depression was Mom projecting or maybe exaggerating a little. ”
“I get that.”
“But…he looks bad. Worse than I thought he would.”