Eight #4
“He’s not in a good place, Hollie.” I swallowed the pain in order to continue.
“I don’t know what Lynn told you or how much Peter has shared, but Chip tried to bring him back on.
He was so patient with Peter and gave him a ton of time to work remotely, but Peter kept dropping the ball.
And he only had two clients. I feel like he’s been in a downward spiral ever since.
” I halfway rolled my eyes. “I mean, it’s all been downhill since the accident.
But, you know, he did great at rehab. All his therapists and trainers told him he was going to do just fine. But the real world is different.
I shrugged, not having to explain the rest. Passing milestones in life-skill training was a whole different animal than having the will to live and thrive. They were two separate things that didn’t arrive hand-in-hand.
“So it’s just you paying the bills right now,” Hollie stated.
“Yeah.”
“And doing just about everything else on top of that, I imagine.”
I nodded.
“And that’s not even counting the emotional toll this has had on you. The mental load alone is probably unbearable. And that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” She took a quiet breath through her teeth, her brows furrowed. “You look different, too.”
I averted my eyes. On the one hand, it felt good to be understood without having to explain—to be so openly seen and challenged. On the other hand, was I so readable? I thought I was putting on a good front.
“How are you? Are you eating? Sleeping? Taking care of yourself?”
I breathed a laugh, attempting a joke as I waggled my fingers. “It’s been a while since I had a manicure.”
Hollie quietly laughed with me, but my lame deflection didn’t deter her. “Talk to me, Sarah.”
When I opened my mouth, no words came for a few uncomfortable moments. “I mean, I could do better, I guess.”
She didn’t fill the silence when I stopped talking.
So I continued, “I don’t know. When I’m so wrapped up in Peter all the time, it’s hard to remember things like drinking enough water or being in the sunshine for a few minutes.
But saying that out loud sounds ridiculous.
Any time I think I don’t have enough time to eat a good breakfast or whatever, I remind myself that meal prepping exists for a reason and I should try it sometime.
The endless doctor visits are over. I don’t have a thousand commitments.
It’s just…me and Peter. So I don’t have an excuse. ”
She nodded, soaking in every word I said. “How are you and Peter?”
The sound that came out of my mouth fell somewhere between a scoff and a laugh and a cry all at once. “It’s—it’s bad, Hollie. He—he just—” Emotions suddenly clogged my throat.
She tsked and covered my hand on the table with hers. “Oh, Sarah.”
My voice caught. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Take your time.”
For a few moments, I took a couple deep breaths, trying to hold myself together.
But pretending to be okay was easier when people didn’t poke around.
“I keep thinking stuff is going to change and that we are right around the corner from Peter waking up and living life again, but…it’s been so long.
And I feel like every day he resents me more and I don’t know why. ”
Not a single fleck of judgment hid in her expression. “Have you tried counseling?”
“Yes. We talked to his therapist together. It didn’t help.
All we discussed was grief processing and trying to speak in the other person’s emotional language.
But neither one of us were able to apply it in a way that made a difference.
” For lack of something to do with my hands, I reached for my mug, wrapping my fingers around the now-cold ceramic.
“Peter has told me so many times that he wished he would’ve died. ”
“Does he still?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “He’s stopped talking to me about his feelings. Even when I ask, he’s completely closed off.”
“What worries you the most?”
“That this is all we’ll ever be. That I’ll never have Peter back again.”
A tear trickled down Hollie’s cheek, threatening to unleash my own.
“I don’t know what I’ll do, Hollie. I don’t know how long I can live like this. I would never purposefully hurt Peter, but I genuinely don’t know how long I can hang on.”
“You think you might split up?”
“Every part of me wants to say ‘no, of course not,’ but I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I came here to spend some time with him, but so far, that’s not going the way I hoped. He won’t kiss me. He doesn’t even touch me anymore.”
Lifting the collar of her shirt to dab beneath her eyes, she said, “You don’t need an excuse to struggle.
You’re exhausted and heartbroken. Not having the energy to meal prep and take care of yourself is completely understandable and says nothing about your capabilities.
You’ve been through a lot too, and the focus for months and months has been on Peter. ”
I nodded, feeling that truth in my weary bones.
“And that is specifically what Bea and I were discussing. We want you to rest while you’re here, okay?
I don’t know what fills you up, but if you need to sit and read a book, or go shopping, or want excursions, or need a spa day, or want to sleep nonstop then do it.
I’m worried Peter’s reluctance will ruin the entire week for you, and you’ll go home even more exhausted than before. But please don’t let that happen.”
I nodded. “I won’t. I promise.”