27. Darcy
27
DARCY
I saw him when he was still a few hundred yards away. After thinking about him all afternoon, it was surprising to see him actually walking toward me as the fireflies began to pop out across the field. I could have left. It would have been easy to get up and leave, closing the door forever. But I stayed where I was. I couldn’t help thinking that Callum had just passed a test I didn’t know I was setting for him.
He had found me. And now we were back to the very beginning of our relationship, where everything had started and also ended.
“What are you doing here?”
The words were out of me as soon as he was in earshot. I knew it wasn’t the kindest thing to say, but something in me still wanted to push him away. It was like I was still giving him the chance to leave.
Callum didn’t respond right away. He just continued to walk toward me, alternating between looking at me and watching his feet as they walked through the grass and navigated uneven ground. When he was close to me, he gave me a slight smile.
“Hey,” he said. I was sitting with my legs over the edge of the stage, kicking my heels against the wood along the front. Callum took a seat next to me so we were both staring at the ground rather than looking at each other.
“How did you find me?”
“I didn’t at first. I checked the hardware store and your office. But then you texted ...”
I was already feeling uncomfortable about the text I had sent him. I had meant it as a final communication between us, a last goodbye of sorts. But now he was here, talking to me. I realized how cowardly I was being, running away from this important conversation.
“Sorry about that,” I mumbled. “I should have stayed to talk to you.”
“I get it,” he said, and I felt how he wanted to put me at ease. “I didn’t know you were standing there. I wouldn’t have said that.” I could tell how much he wanted me to listen to him. He spoke quickly, as if he didn’t know how much time I would give him to speak.
“I would have heard it eventually,” I said. “And honestly, I’m glad I know now.”
“But you don’t!” he said. “Because I don’t even know what I’m doing. I don’t want to leave.”
The words should have brought comfort, but I only felt sadness as I heard how non-committal they were. It only drove home the point that Callum wasn’t sure about us. He wasn’t ready to make a commitment.
“Do you remember our first date?” I blurted out. It was impossible not to think of this when we were sitting in the very place where the date had taken place. “I was so excited to go out with you. I spent that whole summer telling Liz how cute I thought you were.”
“I was thinking the same thing,” he laughed. “Though I don’t know if I had the courage to tell Liz about it. I think it took the whole summer to get up the courage to ask you out.”
I looked over at him, feeling anger rise up in my chest as I took in the words. It wasn’t right for him to rewrite history now. It wasn’t fair for him to pretend he had a crush on me or act like he had any interest in his little sister’s friend. I stood up and walked away from him, fighting against an impulse to lash out at him.
Instead, I wrapped my arms around myself and stared up the hill, imagining a fifteen-year-old version of myself nearly buzzing with excitement over going on a date with an older guy who was headed off to college. I remembered how hopeful I had been and all the plans I had made as I dreamed naively about a future with Callum.
“Darcy?” He asked. Callum was next to me, and I couldn’t stop myself from turning to face off against him.
“Please don’t pretend you were interested in me back then. You can’t just make up whatever version of events works for you now.”
“What are you talking about?” He seemed taken aback, but I didn’t have time to analyze his feelings.
“I already told you in the text. You abandoned me then without a word, so I shouldn’t be surprised you were about to do exactly the same thing now. So don’t pretend that date was some fairy tale where you got to take out the girl of your dreams. It’s just not true!”
“Abandoned you?” Callum looked shocked, as if I had just slapped him across the face.
“You don’t remember?” I felt tears prick at my eyes, and I thought about pushing past him and rushing to my car. It was bad enough what had happened all those years ago, but the thought that Callum didn’t even remember was even more painful. Especially when I had carried the memory around for so long.
“You left me!” I cried out. “I was so excited when you came to pick me up. And then we were at the concert with your friends and everything seemed to be going so well. I thought we were actually having a good time!”
My voice was too loud, and I felt too dramatic as I talked about this. It was like my teenage self was back in this field, confronting Callum after years of silence.
“We were having a good time,” Callum responded, but once again I felt frustration build inside of me as I took in his interpretation of events.
“Clearly not!” I called out, still too loud. “Because next thing I knew you simply disappeared . I went off to the bathroom, and when I came back you were gone. I couldn’t find you anywhere.”
I glared at him then, practically begging him to give me an explanation. That feeling of confusion and hurt when I realized Callum was gone was something I had never been able to let go. I could still remember fighting my way through the crowds with a big smile on my face. I could remember thinking of all the things I wanted to say to Callum after our great conversation all night and how excited I was as I wondered if he would hold my hand or offer me his jacket once it got darker outside.
But when I found our blanket, spread out on the hill, Callum and his friends were gone. His jacket wasn’t there anymore, and the small cooler he had packed with drinks and snacks was missing too. In fact, everything was gone except for the blanket itself. I remember standing there, trying to understand what was happening. And I remember looking around and wondering if the people sitting around me had seen it all. Did they know I had been left?
Now, as all those emotions rushed back, I forced myself to stand tall in front of him. I forced myself to stare into his eyes and wait for an explanation. I scanned his face for any sign of remorse, but I only saw confusion and a brief sense of outrage. Was he upset I was confronting him about this after all these years? I gave it another moment, but when he didn’t speak, I turned on my heel and walked away from him.
“Darcy!”
Too late , I thought. I kept walking, rushing my way up the hill even though it made my legs burn with the effort.
“Wait! Let me explain!”
I ignored him, setting my sights on the car. I could only think of getting home and slamming the door behind me. I could only think of letting myself fall apart.
“Darcy, please!”
His hand slipped into mine, and he stopped me. I could have pulled away. In fact, I thought about it. But when I looked back at him, I saw there were tears in his eyes. It surprised me, and it was the opening he needed.
“I thought you ran away,” he said.
I stared at him, unable to do anything except blink. What was he saying? After so many years of obsessing over that night at the concert, it was nearly impossible to imagine a different scenario. Was it all some big misunderstanding? Or was Callum simply telling me what I wanted to hear?
“Just wait,” he begged. “Let me explain.”
He still held my hand, and I felt him squeeze it slightly, asking me to trust him.
“Alright,” I sighed. “Let’s talk.”
I saw Callum smile as relief flooded his face.
“Okay,” he said, his voice light and bouncy. I saw his eyes slide up to his car and then he glanced back at me. “Wait here, okay?”
I felt my eyebrows lift in shock as he asked me to wait. I had just agreed to stay here and talk, and now he was disappearing?
“I know, I know,” he said, as if reading my mind. “But just give me a second.”
I rolled my eyes, but it seemed to be enough of a “yes” for Callum. He took off at a run toward his car, and I watched as he fished his keys out of his pocket and opened his trunk. I saw a plaid piece of fabric come out before he slammed the trunk closed and rushed back to me. I couldn’t help but smile as I realized he was bringing a picnic blanket for us to sit on.
“What’s this?” I asked, though of course I knew what it was. Callum stood back and opened the blanket into the air, letting it billow out as he held the corners. He rested it on the grass and invited me to sit down.
“Liz is big on picnics,” he laughed. “Or at least she’s big on getting me and the kids out of the house for a few hours during lunchtime.”
I smiled at this, certain his instincts on Liz and her ulterior motives were entirely correct. He smiled back, and I took him up on his offer to settle onto the blanket. Callum took the spot next to me and I felt the strange tension between us. To anyone in the park, we looked like a happy couple enjoying the final minutes of daytime as the fireflies emerged across the field. They had no way of knowing I saw this, instead, as a potential final goodbye.