10. Ava
The sun continues to dip in and out of the clouds as I perch on the patio steps. I prepare myself for rain—not that I’d mind. My eyes close as I wrap my arms around my knees and inhale the fresh air.
Last night was the best night”s sleep I’ve had since being here. It wasn’t great, but better than usual. Ever since the incident in Jaxon’s office, I’ve been keeping to myself. I’m still mortified over waking the entire house.
The back door creaks open, and I glance over my shoulder to find Jaxon. He’s in a black T-shirt that stretches over his broad chest and thick arms. “Hey,” he greets. “May I sit with you?”
I stare at the spot beside me, and I brush my teeth across my lip. “Uh. Okay.”
Jaxon nods and perches on the other end of the step. Enough space between us that I don’t have to count my breaths. “How are you today?”
I shrug and look at the grass. “I’m okay, I think.”
We fall into silence as I clutch my legs closer to my chest. Jaxon happily sits beside me. I don’t hate his company—I’m just wary of it. I take a peek at him, but he’s looking out to the trees.
“Can I ask you something?” I whisper, my curiosity getting the better of me.
He turns with those intense blue eyes. “Of course.”
I swallow and take my time to find my words. “Why is it when I’m with you, I somehow manage to feel calmer? With my panic attack. I don’t understand. It sounds stupid when I say it out loud, but I felt…something.”
His gaze flicks between mine. For a moment, I think he’s not going to say anything, and then he says, “Do you know what mates are?”
My eyes widen a fraction. I nod once.
How could I not know what mates are after Lucien threw that word around every damn day? Worthless, pathetic human mate. He made it known.
“Well, when two people are mates, they share a very special bond which is unique to every couple. Sometimes, they can feel emotions, thoughts, and each other’s pain. Sometimes, they can tune into each other, give each other peace and calmness,” he explains. “Mates keep each other safe.”
My heart thrashes in my chest at his statement. My lashes tickle my cheekbone over and over as I try to digest his words. That sounds nothing like what I endured with Lucien. All I felt was suffering.
“But that can’t be true.”
“It is because the Moon Goddess believes mates have what the other needs. The power one might yield could help the other and vice-versa.”
My forehead creases at his statement. Does that mean I deserved all the abuse from Lucien? A sinking sensation forms in my stomach.
“B-but I’m not a werewolf.”
Jaxon’s mouth curls in a half-smile. “I know.”
“So, what are you saying?”
He takes down a long breath and holds my gaze. “I’m saying that you are my mate, Ava. I felt your pain. I felt your distress. I felt your panic. I knew something was wrong because the bond between us told me, and that’s why I came up to make sure you were okay. It’s the same as the other night. I used our bond for reassurance, but you are the one who stopped your panic attack.”
Every part of my body turns rigid. Tears threaten my eyes, and I’m swamped with utter confusion. How? Why?
Lucien said I was his mate. Was that a lie? I release an internal groan of pure frustration. I hate this world. I hate trying to understand their reality. What does any of it truly mean?
“I know this is difficult for you to understand,” he says gently.
I continue to stare at him. “A bond?”
“Yes.” He nods confidently. “It’s something that connects us.”
For a moment, I pause and glance over at the trees swaying in the wind. “But I didn’t have one with…” I whisper to myself. “Him.”
His expression warps into what looks like deep sadness. “Because bonds only grow and work when both mates accept it.”
“I haven’t accepted anything with you,” I murmur with cloudy vision.
“I know,” he agrees. “But accepting my help with your panic attack definitely sparked something. You said you felt something. That’s the bond.”
My head shakes over and over. “This is crazy. This is–” I cut myself off and stand, wiping my hands on my leggings. “None of this makes sense. So…what? Now I belong to you?”
Jaxon remains on the step. “No. You don’t belong to me. You are your own person. I’d never take that away from you.”
Tears spill over my eyes, and I wipe them away with a newfound anger. “I don’t understand anything,” I grumble. “I don’t understand how any of this is real.”
After a few moments, he stands, his height advancing on me. I wrap my arms around myself. My head pounds, and I wish I could play catch up, but I’m a thousand steps behind. “It’s okay to take your time. I’m not pushing anything on you. You deserved to know the truth, and I was trying to find a good time to tell you, but then you mentioned feeling something between us.”
How can I feel nothing but pure dread with Lucien, but with Jaxon, I feel like my sky-high walls could lower even an inch? That messes with my head.
“I’m sorry.” I push my tears away. “I-I just need a moment.”
Jaxon nods. “Of course. If you want to talk about it more, then I’m here to answer your questions and listen to your worries.”
I spare him one more glance before I walk back into the house and let my lungs collapse.
The last thingI want this morning is to be alone. Yet, I feel like I have no one to go to. Jaxon’s pack floods in and out of the house on duty, training, or heading to travel through the district to complete missions. I don’t know much about this pack, but it’s different to Lucien’s.
Jaxon is out on Alpha duties with his wolves and told me he’d be back later—if I need to contact him then I go straight to Gemma downstairs. I have the house to myself. That’s probably why I feel so alone, yet the company of someone also makes my skin crawl.
Why can’t my emotions make up their mind? It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster, and I can’t get off.
I find myself wandering down to the infirmary wing. I know why, and I don’t stop myself. My arms wrap my cardigan tighter around my body as I step inside. A few of the pack doctors offer me a smile as they walk by.
My feet come to a halt in the middle of the corridor. I release a soft sigh and inhale the smell of disinfectant. I’ve never had an issue with hospitals which explains why the scent comforts me.
“Ava?”
I twist to find Gemma walking out of her office with a clipboard.
“Everything okay? Do I need to contact Alpha Jaxon?”
My head shakes. “No. Not at all.”
She immediately relaxes, her shoulders drooping. Her eyes roam over my face slowly before she beckons her head to the room on her left. “Would you like to come in and talk?”
“Please,” I whisper and grip my hands together.
Gemma flashes me a comforting smile. “After you.”
I nod and drop my gaze, following my feet to the room she appeared out of moments ago. When I step inside, I glance at the walls that are painted white but have pretty pictures hanging against them. Most of nature, others of positive quotes.
“Would you like me to shut the door, Ava?”
My head whips over my shoulder. “Keep it open,” I say quickly. “Please.”
“Of course.” She nods. “Whatever makes you the most comfortable.”
I swallow around the ball of razor blades forming in my throat. My eyes tear away from Gemma’s, and I look at pictures on the walls once more.
“Showing up for yourself is the biggest step. Be proud of every achievement.”
My head glances at the next quote.
“It’s okay not to be okay. But when we’re not okay, we shouldn’t put pressure on ourselves. We should treat ourselves with kindness. We should take it one day at a time. We’re all human. We all feel the same emotions.”
Gemma’s presence pauses at my side. “I like that quote,” she says quietly. “Although we could argue we’re wolves, not humans.”
“Does being a wolf feel different to being a human?” I ask curiously.
She hums softly. “Well, I know for a fact wolves definitely feel emotions harder because of the bonds given to us by the Moon Goddess. But that doesn’t take anything away from how humans feel. We’re all unique. We’re all different. No one should tell us how we feel.”
My tongue runs along my bottom lip as my mouth turns dry. “Sometimes, I don’t know how I feel.”
I clutch my elbows and tug my arms closer to my chest for some kind of self-comfort. “How do you think you feel?”
“Lost.”
Gemma nods in understanding. I expect to see sympathy or pity, but nothing of the sort crosses her face. She looks at me like she sees me. She really sees me.
“I understand,” she says, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “Being here must be confusing and overwhelming for you. So many new faces, new feelings, new emotions.”
My lips part, and I hesitate before I speak. “I guess I don’t know who I can trust. I’m scared to get close to anyone to find out they’re not who they say they are.”
“Has that happened to you in the past?”
I shake my head. “No. I knew who the bad guys were immediately. But I don’t think I’ll survive it if I find out the people in this pack aren’t good people, and I’m trapped.”
“You aren’t trapped, Ava. No one is stopping you from leaving. I understand Alpha Jaxon bringing you here might have triggered something for you, but he did it so we could treat your wounds. I fear you wouldn’t have made it if he had let you go.” Her voice softens, and I find myself believing her.
I move my head and walk to the next painting. The air in the room feels a little tighter than before. I didn’t come here to talk about anything in particular. I came to get out of my own head and gather company in the doctor whom I am gradually learning to trust.
“Did you want to sit down?” she offers. “We can talk about whatever you want.”
My throat clears. “No, thanks. I want to stand.”
“Whatever you wish.”
I roll my finger over my elbow slowly, playing with a piece of thread that has fallen out of sequence. “I guess–” I start and stop immediately.
Gemma doesn’t push me to continue.
“I guess I’m feeling a bit lonely today.”
“And you came here to seek company?
My head nods subtly. “I feel safe here. Is that stupid?”
“Not at all. If you want this to be your safe space, this can be your safe space. My office door is always open, unless I have another patient. But we have plenty of other rooms exactly like this.”
I clutch my elbows tighter. “I want to remember…before.”
Yet, my memory is clouded with all the bad things I’ve experienced instead.
“If you want, we can attempt to work through it together. Figure out things you remember without diving too deep into the parts that make you feel uncomfortable,” Gemma says from across the room.
A sigh escapes my lips. “I told you before. I don’t think I’m strong enough.”
“I’ll never push you to speak about things you don’t want to.”
I roll my lips together and stare at the picture of a rainbow in a daisy field.
“Jaxon says I’m his mate,” I blurt out.
Gemma offers me a small smile.
“I don’t know how I feel about it.”
“Why’s that?”
Tension builds in my chest, and I push it away before I start breathing too quickly. “Because Lucien said the same thing, and he–”
I pause, and Gemma remains silent.
The words almost form in my mouth, but they taste like poison. I squirm at the thought and bite down on my jaw in response. “H-he did things to me. He hurt me.”
“And you’re fearful Jaxon will be the same?”
All I can do is nod.
“Which is completely understandable, Ava. You’ve been a human your whole life, and being thrown into this new world is confusing. Even us wolves find things hard to digest.”
I lower my head. “Is there anyone in the house except Jaxon you feel comfortable being around?”
My teeth clamp on my bottom lip. “Lucy,” I exhale quietly. “I’m more comfortable being around women.”
“Now, this is just a suggestion, and I’m not telling you what to do. But if you told Lucy you’d like to spend some more time with her, I know she’d drop everything in a heartbeat. That woman is wonderful.” I glance over my shoulder to find Gemma beaming at me with honesty.
“Maybe.”
Gemma slides her hands into her pockets casually. “The past of someone doesn’t define them. I see you, Ava. I see a strong woman who is bound to shine. It’s okay to do things at your own pace.”
The corner of my lip twitches, but it doesn’t quite make a full smile.
“Not sure about the strong part,” I murmur.
“I beg to differ. You could set yourself a goal or a task; it doesn’t have to have a timescale. Only when you feel comfortable. This pack treats everyone like family, and they will always have your back.”
I stare at the blank wall and fill my lungs with oxygen. “I can try.”
“And I’ll be here if you wish to talk. Small progress is still progress. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.”