9. Ava
Tonight, I couldn’t sleep. I’ve barely managed a couple of hours each night for the past four weeks. Most start off with nightmares that torment my mind until the dream changes, and instead of being terrified, I am comforted. It’s an odd sensation that I don’t understand.
I hear the calmness of the waves and the gentle breeze over a mountaintop.
Every night, it’s something different. A new place. A new safe haven. I don’t fight them. I submerge in the images, and I’m grateful when I finally settle into a dreamless sleep.
But tonight, I toss and turn in the sheets until they make my legs itch. I have no idea what I’m still doing here. I should have left as soon as my injuries healed and attempted to find my home. Why can’t I remember my home?
The thought makes my brows pinch together painfully. A deep ache makes me question the last few years. I huff out a dissatisfied breath and bury my head into the pillow.
Tears threaten my eyes once again. I don’t belong here. Yet, I don’t belong anywhere if I can’t remember. My lips tremble at not knowing, not remembering. Are there people out there looking for me? No. How could I be so stupid? If they were, they would have found me. Instead, I endured years of abuse for a reason I’ll never understand.
By the time I turn around and glance at the clock beside my bed, I sniffle. The fabric of the pillow beneath me is wet from my endless tears. I silently whimper as the numbers of the early morning stare back at me.
I throw the covers off my body before I overthink my next actions. My mind wanders endlessly. I need a distraction. The house is silent at this time—everyone’s in bed. It gives me the perfect opportunity to explore when no one should cross me.
My hands close around my elbows as I step into the dark hall. The floorboards creak beneath my feet, and I cringe at the sound but carry on. I find myself walking further down the house until I pause outside a room with the door wide open.
I step in the doorway. This room smells like Jaxon—freshly cut wood and a hint of something spicy. My nose tingles, and I blink. How are my senses so strong? He’s not even here.
Curiosity builds in my chest as I creep inside. My hand slides to the wall, and I flick the switch, lighting up the room. I’m met with what looks like Jaxon’s office.
I know he’s the Alpha of this pack. At first, I thought all Alphas were brutal beings who only wanted to cause pain and misery to others. But now, I’m starting to believe that might not be the case. Jaxon seems…different.
Every piece of furniture is built of dark wood with a large display of maps and ancient books on the walls and shelves. There is a circular rug in the middle that resembles a symbol I don’t recognise. I nibble on my lip as my eyes sweep over his desk. I know better than to snoop, but it’s already distracting my crowded mind. I can’t stop myself. I’m being dragged in before I can think of the consequences.
I notice stacks of papers, a pen pot, and a closed laptop. But my eyes dart to a gold picture frame facing away from me. For a second, I hesitate, but then I pick it up and twist it towards me. As soon as I see the picture, I realise I shouldn’t have started snooping.
It’s a picture of Jaxon and a woman I don’t recognise. She has dark blonde hair with piercing blue eyes, olive skin, and a killer smile. Jax is kissing her cheek as she beams at the camera, flashing off her pearly white teeth.
Who is she? I’ve never seen her around the house.
Jaxon never mentioned he had a girlfriend. But why would he? We haven’t spent much time together in the last few weeks. Not that it’s any of my business.
My head pounds with a thousand new thoughts. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea at all. I study the picture for another long minute because I can’t tear my eyes away, no matter how hard I try.
“Ava…what are you doing in here?”
A voice behind me snaps me back into reality. My entire body jolts at the same time my fingers loosen around the picture frame. It takes seconds for it to smash against the floor by my bare feet.
Panic chokes my throat. I’m in so much trouble. Crap. I attempt to catch my breath, but I’ve destroyed something of the Alpha’s. A picture of him and his…lover? Bile rises in my throat.
My eyes widen when I find Kayden, Jaxon’s Beta, at the door, watching me with a stunned gaze. Oh, God. Oh, God.
“I-I–” I stutter before lowering down onto the floor and frantically picking up pieces of glass that scattered across Jaxon’s office.
I grab as much as I can, as quickly as possible. I’m not thinking clearly because the tiny shards pierce my skin, and blood begins to rise to the surface.
Kayden inches closer, and I don’t dare look at him. My stomach churns inside me at the thought of being alone with a Beta. I have no idea if they’re all the same or if my emotions are playing tricks on me—I don’t want to experience that pain again.
“What do you want with me?” I blurt out of nowhere.
Kayden twists his head. “Nothing. I’m on night duty.”
My entire body trembles as I take in his face.
“Goddess,” he hisses and lowers down to my level. “You’re bleeding.”
I stare up into his dark brown eyes and shiver. He looks genuinely concerned, but I shake at the proximity between us. “Please, get away from me,” I murmur.
Nausea rips through my stomach. The waves of embedded anxiety through my bloodstream heighten, and I struggle to inhale.
Kayden pulls back slowly and raises his hands in defence. “I’m not going to touch you,” he clarifies before looking down at my hands. “But you need to clean those wounds and make sure there is no glass in the cuts.”
I stare at him long and hard, trying my best not to let my eyes leak tears, but it’s nearly impossible. My entire body shivers at his presence. He might not have done anything to me personally, but I can’t take chances. Not when I’m certain I’ll break this time. I’m barely hanging on.
My blood drips against the floor, and I don’t realise I’m clutching the shards of glass. I don’t take my eyes off him. The air in the room grows thinner, and I can’t inhale.
“Ava.” Kayden’s face turns to stone. “Drop the glass. You’re hurting yourself.”
When he reaches over, I’m convinced he’s about to touch me. I open my mouth and release the loudest scream. It deafens me. It wrenches from my chest because my body jumps into fight mode. It’s the last resort.
I close my eyes to try and block out all the crucifying emotions that clutter my head. Blood pounds in my ears, and everything slows down to the point I’m disorientated.
Voices start talking, but I don’t hear what they’re saying. My breaths become shorter, and I’m out of oxygen, yet at the same time, I can’t get enough. My vision blurs when another silhouette settles in front of me.
“Ava.” The sound is muffled. “Ava, you’re hyperventilating.”
Why do I sound like I’m in a bubble? I don’t even know if I’m alive right now.
“Breathe, Ava.” The voice softens. “There is so much air in this room. Okay? Don’t let yourself think there is no air. You have it. Breathe. Nothing is going to happen to you.”
It feels like it might. I’m going to die.
Just breathe, Ava. You can do this, I tell myself.
“Please, can I see your hands?”
I’m far too in my head to protest. I raise my shaky palms towards the soothing voice. A soft hand clasps the back of my wrist, and an instant rush of calmness takes over my body. It makes my skin rise in pimples like an electric shock.
“Okay, okay,” he says. “Hear me. Listen to me. Take down as much oxygen as possible, and when you breathe out, hold it for as long as you can. Four counts, six counts, eight counts. Each time, you move higher and higher.”
My eyes leak tears. Four counts? I attempt the technique because I literally have nothing else to lose. I don’t succeed the first time. But on the third attempt, I manage to breathe out for four long beats before sucking in air like I’m suffocating again.
“There.” The voice makes me relax. “You’ve got it. Now, for six. Ready? Let me count with you.”
His thumb swipes across my knuckles gently, and I tell my lungs this is the one that will calm me down.
“One, two, three,” he whispers through my exhale. “Four, five, six.”
It takes me another few minutes to calm down to a pace that reminds me I’m alive. I sniffle at the exhaustion coursing through my veins.
“Open your eyes, Ava.”
My sore eyes obey slowly. I’m met with Jaxon’s dark sapphire eyes full of concern and care—I forgot what that looked like.
He got me out of a panic attack. No one has ever done that for me.
“It’s okay,” he tells me again. “I’ve got you.”
I take in his face—light stubble on his jaw and dark hair messily placed from his sleep. A single tear rolls down my cheek in distress, and Jaxon’s hand raises to wipe it away with his thumb. I don’t flinch. I don’t even move. I’m numb.
“I’m sorry,” he replies under a harsh rasp directed at himself. I follow his eye-line to my hand. They’re splattered with blood stains. “They’re only shallow.”
He reaches up to his desk and grabs a box of tissues before pressing them to my skin. It soaks up a few droplets, but most of it has dried or dripped onto the floor. “We’ll get these cleaned up in a moment, hmm?”
“I’m sorry, I-I smashed y-your picture,” I whimper pathetically. “It was an accident, I promise.”
Jaxon’s hands slip under my fingers again, holding the tissue to them. A surge of warmth spreads up my arms, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It makes me cry harder because my head spins. “It doesn’t matter, Ava. It”s just a frame. It can be replaced.”
I lower my head and attempt to control my breathing once more. I don’t want to feel out of control. I despise that feeling. “You don’t need to cry, Ava. I promise I’m not mad. No one is mad.”
“I shouldn’t have been in here.” My lip quivers.
Jaxon frowns softly. “You can go wherever you want in the house. You are free to do whatever you want. No one is going to stop you.”
“D-did I wake you?”
“I don’t care about me.”
My hands clench in Jaxon’s hold, and I grit my teeth at the tiny pieces of glass still lodged between my cuts. I wince as he pulls the tissue away.
“Will you let me take you down to the infirmary? I can have Gemma pull out the glass and heal your hands,” he suggests, angling his head so our eyes meet again.
I nod because the pain is beginning to throb. As soon as we reach the infirmary wing, I find comfort in being faced with Gemma. I recognise her. I trust her. She’s helped me in more ways than one.
“Hi, Ava.” She offers me a smile. “Let’s go sit over here, and I can sort out your hands.”
My gaze returns to Jaxon as he gives me an encouraging nod. “I’ll wait out here for you,” he says as he takes a seat in the hallway.
I follow Gemma to the room, where she disinfects my wound, removes the glass, and patches me up until my skin is repaired. My eyes feel swollen as I inspect her handy work.
“I’ll never get used to that,” I whisper.
Gemma smiles. “It is strange. But it’s very practical for our lifestyle. Even though we heal faster than humans, we need to be able to patch ourselves up quickly. How are you feeling, Ava?”
“Tired,” I admit far too easily.
“Are you sleeping well?”
“No.”
“Are you having nightmares?”
“Yes.”
Gemma gives me a supportive smile. “Ava, have you thought about talking to someone?”
“Talking?”
“I know you haven’t been here long, and I can’t imagine how overwhelming all of this has been. But have you considered talking with a therapist?”
My expression twists. “I-I–” I pause for a moment. “No. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for it.”
She nods in what I believe is understanding. “Of course. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be digging up the past; it can help with coping mechanisms, positive affirmations, and healing today. Not talking about details you’re not comfortable with.”
“They have people for that…here?”
Gemma nods once. “Yes. We have lots of different therapists. All sessions are confidential, of course. We can’t even report back to Alpha Jaxon as we believe in patient-doctor confidentiality. You’d be surprised how many people go to therapy.”
“D-do you think I need it?”
“I’m not going to tell you what you need; that’s up to you to decide. But talking about certain things, even if they seem small, can help more than you know. It might be worth considering.” Gemma’s eyes are peaceful. “You don’t have to make any decisions right now. I thought I’d put the offer out there. This is a safe space. We want the best for everyone.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek. “Thank you, Gemma. That’s…kind of you.”
“You’re welcome, Ava. My door is always open.”
I can’t remember the last safe space I had, but Gemma opens up a door to a bunch of possibilities. I’m not there yet. Although I want to be.