Chapter 42
FORTY-TWO
Today I had a consultation with Nat’s lawyer. And tonight, I’m warming up a Marks & Spencer Dine In Meal Deal for Two, only I’m going to eat both portions. When Rupert comes in, I’m most of the way through a second slow-cooked, Korean-style spicy chicken thigh, but I’m not really tasting it. I was thinking about Frank kissing me forever on that step in the rain. Of him moving inside me on that hotel bed, his eyes plundering mine. Of our deep conversations. And I was trying to work out which I loved more, and which, if I had to choose, I’d settle for living without. If our life just consisted of endless hours sitting by the beach and talking, without anything physical, would I still feel like everything I had was exactly what I needed? And then I thought who would even need the beach? The beach is actually superfluous. But what if we had zero emotional connection, but endless repeats of that amazing sex?
So when Rupert says, ‘I need to talk to you,’ it takes me a minute to realise ‘you’ means ‘me’.
‘What do you want to talk about?’ I ask.
He comes and stands by the table, clutches the chair back. ‘Him.’
I’ve never known a pronoun carry such weight of cells and water.
Then, after a suspense-filled spell, he says, ‘Last night in bed you called out his name in your sleep.’
‘Did I?’ I say, a little taken aback.
His face turns almost scarlet. ‘Actually,’ he clears his throat. ‘That’s er… not… entirely true. You didn’t actually call out his name. You didn’t actually call out anything for that matter.’ His hand falls away from the chair back. ‘What I’m trying to say is that I keep lying there waiting for you to. You know, I keep lying there wondering if he’s the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep, and the first thing when you wake up. I just keep…’ He clears his throat. ‘Sorry. That was really pathetic of me. I don’t know why I said it.’
I say, ‘You once called out Dagmara’s name in bed.’
His face drains of all expression. He goes to speak. Nothing comes at first. Then he says, ‘That’s actually… That’s actually bullshit, isn’t it? I mean, I never did that, did I?’
‘You sound uncertain.’
He turns even more violently red. ‘Look, I didn’t really invite this conversation to play mind games.’
I stare at him unseeingly for a moment. ‘Rupert,’ I say. ‘I went to see a divorce lawyer today.’
He starts to shake his head before I’m even done speaking. ‘No,’ he says. ‘I will not let you leave me. You can’t do this.’ When I don’t answer and we are silent for a very long time, he says, despondently, ‘Is there anything I can do to maybe change your mind?’
‘Be honest with me,’ I say. ‘You owe me that. I don’t care about you sleeping with someone else. I care about the three months you’ve tried to mess with my head.’
He listens closely, turns his ear towards me in that way he’ll do when he realises it’s time to smarten up and pay attention.
‘I didn’t,’ he says. He starts shaking his head again. ‘I didn’t sleep with that woman.’
He is shaking and shaking and shaking that head. And then the shaking turns into a nod. ‘Once,’ he says, so quietly that I almost don’t hear.
He meets my eyes now. ‘I slept with her once.’ He frowns like his admission is going to make him cry. ‘I didn’t intend it to happen. I didn’t intend to lie to you about it. I don’t know why I…’ His voice fades away. He manages to add, ‘I regretted it…’
He stares unblinkingly at the floor, and I see the glisten of tears in his eyes. Then he clears his throat, looks up at me again. ‘And you slept with Frank, I’m assuming.’
‘Yes,’ I say, conscious that my reaction to what he’s just told me hasn’t yet arrived. Or if it has, then it was a soft landing. And then I add, ‘And I did intend it to happen. And it felt right. And I am in love with him.’