Chapter Thirteen Rage
As soon as the words come out of my mouth, I know that I shouldn’t have said them.
None of them were true. I just don’t want anyone to sit here and make me feel worse than I already do.
I feel like I’ve cheated on Rose and what I said about us not having that exclusive conversation had been true.
We technically never promised each other anything, but everything still felt wrong.
It’s only happened a couple of times. I was so fucking drunk.
The first time I woke up with Sin in my bed at the clubhouse.
The second time I woke up with both Ash and Tiff.
I don’t even remember how we got into those positions or what happened during those times, but I know we fucked.
I had a trash can full of empty condoms.
I felt so disgusted with myself. The first time it happened I got drunk a couple of nights after that experience with Rose where I felt the shift in everything we felt for one another.
I didn’t like how I felt with her and I didn’t understand why the hell I went to her when everything was getting too loud.
Sitting there that night I knew that it was because the feelings that I was having for her were greater than I ever expected them to be.
My mind is a jumbled fucking mess and I know that if Dragon hadn’t come over here when he did, I would have probably ended up drunk off my ass in bed with another fucking mistake.
I hated fucking Kitty. She was a bitch to everyone and for some reason, she had her fucking sights set on me.
I have never been able to get her to understand that I want nothing to do with her.
“Wow, Rage, you’re a real piece of shit. If I didn’t know you were drunk, I’d bring your ass to the ring and beat it. I know that your life has been hard, but that doesn’t give you the right to treat women the way you do. Rose is a wonderful woman.
I know she means something to you or you wouldn’t be going back to her all the time.”
Before I can respond we hear, “You’re a real piece of shit, you know that?”
My head shoots up and I see Rose’s best friend Abby coming around the corner. My heart starts pounding in my chest as I look around to see if Rose is with her.
“What the fuck! Abby? What are you doing here? Is Rose here?”
She puts her hands on her hips and gives me a look that I’m pretty sure she thinks is lethal, but she’s fucking pint sized.
“Why the fuck do you care? After everything we just heard, she’s nothing to you.”
I stand up at that and I’m feeling surprisingly more sober than I was a few minutes ago.
“What did you hear?”
“Well, we heard everything you said to dear Dragon here.”
“We?”
“Oh yeah, Rose heard everything too.”
Before I can say anything Abby walks towards the corner and looks before she throws her hands up in the air.
“Way the fucking go, she ran. She never fucking runs.”
She turns towards me and gets up in my face.
“You know, Rose has a pretty shitty track record with men.
I’ve known her all my life. I mean when she first told me about you, I thought maybe just maybe her family was wrong about bikers.
I thought hey, maybe she finally found someone that was going to treat her right.
I mean after all her fucked up relationships.
I thought, hell maybe this alpha fucking male is going to do what all those other needle dicks before him couldn’t.
I thought this is a man, not some piece of crap that is going to do what they can to destroy her.
You have no idea the shit she has been through, you have no idea the way she has hidden everything she has been through from her family because let me tell you if they knew, those fuckers would be dead.
If her dad knew the shit that was going on right now, he’d find everyone responsible for making that woman worry and bury them where no one can find them.
She is strong, she is beautiful and for some fucked up reason, I know she loves you.
In a way she never loved anyone before. I was worried about all of this.
I even told you that one night you stormed into her house and fucked her for hours that if you hurt her you had no idea who you were messing with.
If she doesn’t tell them what you’ve done, I sure as fuck will.
I know everything there is to know about that woman, we have no fucking secrets and I will not let you destroy her like the other men before you.
I will make sure she stays strong through all of this and I will make sure that you never stand a chance to be with her or her baby.”
My heart stops. Literally stops. What the fuck did she just say? I cannot fucking understand the words she said.
“What? What did you just say?” I whisper.
“Oh fuck.” Dragon says as he’s standing next to me.
Abby smiles at me before she hits me with the words I just so carelessly threw around, “Don’t worry, she doesn’t need your patch or your money. I bet you she has more money in her fucking pinky than you do. Also I’m sure she’ll get you that paternity test and not because she needs anything from you,
but because that baby deserves to know their father. Even if he is the biggest piece of shit. You need to figure your shit out. Until then don’t come near her. Not that she will let you anyway. You fucked that up for yourself.”
She turns and walks away, pulling her phone out as she goes.
It doesn’t take long before Dragon opens his fucking mouth again, “I mean fuck. That is crazy. I feel like I should go buy a lottery ticket because I just predicted the fucking future. Man. I have so many questions.
I mean for her to say that she has more money in her pinky than you do and that her family could bury you six feet under without anyone knowing, who the fuck is her family? Do you know?”
He turns his head and looks at me and honestly, I want to fucking knock him out.
None of this is a fucking joke. If what Abby said was true, I need to get to Rose.
I go to head out of the clubhouse, but Dragon grabs my arm and I stumble.
Fuck. I shouldn’t have drank tonight. Why the hell do I do this shit to myself.
“You’re not going anywhere. Give her the night to calm down. Go up to your apartment or go to your house, but you are not driving. I can give you a ride back to your place if you want to head home, but I think you should stay here.
I’ll walk you up to your room so you don’t do anything fucking stupid.”
I nod my head, “Don’t say anything to anyone, Cane. Please. I will tell people on my own time after I’ve talked to Rose.”
“I’m not going to say anything to anyone. In fact I’ll act like a surprised little dove when you tell everyone. Just get some sleep and fix it in the morning.”
I woke up the next morning with my head pounding and the urge to throw up.
I reached over on the bed thankful to find out that I was alone.
I don’t know how I got to bed, but I sure am thankful that no one came with me.
It would be another mistake that would slowly kill me inside.
I don’t want another reason to feel like I’ve betrayed a woman that I never promised myself to.
I roll over onto my back and memories from the night before assault me.
I love that pussy of hers, that’s for sure. She has a fucking golden one. But if she came here telling me she was pregnant, her golden pussy wouldn’t be enough for me to give her money and my patch.
I will make sure that you never stand a chance to be with her or her baby.
Baby.
A fucking baby.
What the fuck did I do?
Before I can even comprehend anything else that is happening there is a pounding on my door.
I roll off of it and look down, thankful I am in the clothes I was in last night.
When I open the door I don’t even see who it is before a fist connects with my face.
When you're hungover and you just came to the realization you were completely dumb the night before, getting punched in the face shouldn’t be a surprise, but it absolutely is.
“What the fuck?!?” I say as I wipe the blood coming from the side of my mouth and when I look at who decided to clock me I am met with surprise that the person behind that fucking hit was none other than the short little pixie, Abby.
“What the hell was that for?”
She scoffs at me, “You don’t remember the shit you spewed last night?”
“My memories are a little hazy, but some of it has come back to me. I’m going to go find Rose and talk to her. Don’t worry, she will be fine. I’ll explain. I wasn’t in the right head space and honestly, my head is fucked up.”
“I really don’t need your damn excuses. I don’t want to hear shit from you. But you aren’t going to be able to explain anything to Rose any time soon. She’s fucking gone. You made her run. You’re no worse than that fucker Travis from high school. I mean sure,
you’ve never fucking hit her or isolated her, but you sure as shit are an emotional terrorist.”
Everything she says makes me pause and tense up.
“Okay, first of all there is a lot of shit that I’m going to want more information on in that statement you just made.”
“Well, not my stories to tell so you aren’t getting answers from me, dipshit.”
“You know, I liked it better when Rose only had Liza, Peyton and Parker. They have a lot of shit going on in their own lives even. They wouldn’t come here and fucking hit me. You seem to need to get a fucking life.”
“Don’t make me fucking hit your stupid ass again. I’m not afraid of you and your stupid words. Obviously you’re just some fucking hurt little boy pretending to be a man. I don’t know who the fuck hurt you, but you would think that if that is true, you wouldn’t want to fucking hurt someone else.”
“Listen, bitch. You don’t know me. You don’t get to come in here and give your fucking opinions on my life.”
“No, I might not know you, but I sure recognize a lot of me in you. I might not know exactly what you’ve been through, but we all have our own shit. We all have our fucking demons and for some reason your ass thinks that you are just going to stew in yours.
Rose isn’t going to wait around forever while you go back and forth between ‘I want her, but I don’t deserve her’ and the ‘I can be better for her bullshit’. You need to get your shit together. You’re going to be a fucking father. Start acting like one.”
She goes to turn around, but I grab her wrist.
“What did you mean she’s fucking gone?”
She sighs before she turns around and looks me in the eyes.
“She was with me last night, she heard everything you said to Dragon. I went to confront you and she ran out of the clubhouse. I guess she ran her ass right to the airport. She texted me this morning, she went home to Texas.”
My heart drops and I feel like I’m going to pass out.
“What do you mean she went back to Texas? She’s coming back though right? She’s finishing up school, she’s got a lot of shit here.”
“She will come back, I don’t know when. She can finish most of her shit online. But yeah, she’ll be back. She is building a life here. She also knows that I told you about the baby. It really wasn’t my place to tell you and I apologized to her, but she seemed glad you knew. I just want you to know,
I don’t know how long she will be gone. I really have no idea how far along she is and what her restrictions are for flying.”
I nod my head and turn around sitting on the edge of the bed. I place my head in my hands and hide the fact that tears are coming down my face.
“For what it’s worth, Rage, I don’t think you are a terrible guy. I think you’ve got some dark shit in your past that you never let go of that you are letting dictate who you are now. You have a lot of anger and you are pushing away the wrong people.
Don’t keep this shit to yourself or you’re going to drown in it.”
The next thing I hear is my door closing.
Everything she said is right, I do have shit in my past that has been keeping me from going forward with any woman.
I know that no one knows the extent of everything that I went through going up and that was by design.
Not even my dad knows everything. I never talked about it.
He would take me to the ring whenever I started acting out and honestly that is where I need to go now.
I need to fucking hit something or someone.
I go ahead to change my clothes and before I even get my pants on my phone is ringing again.
“Great. What else could be happening?”
I grab the phone from my nightstand and look at the number. It is an unknown number. Weird.
“Yeah?”
“Is this Mr. Caleb Matthews?”