Chapter Thirty-Four
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
‘Morning.’
Lily walked in on Sam as he was placing a basket of pastries on the table. He stiffened the moment he saw her.
‘Morning.’ He managed a quick smile. ‘Coffee?’
‘Thanks. Let me help.’
‘It’s your last morning. I’ll do it. You won’t have someone to wait on you after this.’
‘No. That’s true.’ Lily slid into a chair, selecting a pain au chocolat from the basket. She ought to wait for the others but she wanted something, anything, to distract her from looking at him. To think that last night they’d been naked together and had made love on the beach. To think that she had almost told him she was in love with him.
She broke a piece off the pastry and nibbled at it though it was dry in her throat. Despite the previous evening’s activity, her appetite was almost non-existent. Was it too big a risk to tell him she was in love with him after just a couple of weeks? She’d never made such a rash and risky decision in her life before, but love hadn’t played by the rules: it had borne her on like a wave, lifted her up and down, swept her along in its path. She’d decided to let go of the helm of her business, to take time for herself, spend more of it with her family … but loving Sam?
That was totally out of her control and it terrified her.
He returned with a cafetière and a jug of orange juice. The smile on his face was strained. ‘Would étienne prefer tea? Or is that a stupid question?’
‘I think you know the answer,’ Lily said with a forced smile of her own.
He put the cafetière and jug down next to her. She caught his hand before he could move away.
‘Sam.’
He looked up sharply.
‘Last night … was wonderful and I will keep in touch.’
The conversation was terminated by the arrival of two mini whirlwinds, with their father close behind.
Sam withdrew his fingers. ‘I have to get the rest of the breakfast.’
‘Hellooooooo!’ the girls said and ran up to the table. Tania started trying to pour the juice.
‘Hold on, let me help,’ Sam said, rescuing the heavy jug and half-filling her glass.
étienne clapped his hands together and inhaled. ‘Is that the smell of pains au chocolat?’
‘It is!’ Lily said.
‘Did you sleep well?’ étienne asked when Sam went in the kitchen. The girls were crunching on cereal and giggling over some shared in-joke.
Lily wasn’t fooled by his innocent tone. ‘Yes. I was tired out after our day sightseeing.’
‘Me too,’ étienne said. ‘Even these two didn’t wake me in the night, though I had the devil of a job to get them to pack. We seem to have acquired extra stuff. Tania had a bag of pebbles in her case and Amelie had a dried dogfish egg case!’
‘It was a mermaid’s purse, Daddy. Sam explained all that and you should have paid attention,’ Amelie said sadly, as if étienne was a clueless first-year medical student.
‘Whatever it is, it stinks and it isn’t coming home with us.’
‘Why can’t I take all my pebbles?’ Tania piped up accusingly.
‘We have stones in London,’ étienne said. ‘And I said you could take a few of your favourites with Amelie’s shells.’
Sam came back in.
‘Can we come back and get some more?’ Tania said.
étienne exchanged a glance with Lily.
‘Of course we can come back. It’s not long until the school holidays.’
‘Can we stay here?’ Amelie asked.
‘If Sam has room. The cottages might be booked.’
Tania shook her head and pouted. ‘He would let us stay anyway. He would make other people move out.’
‘I don’t think he could do that, sweetheart,’ étienne said.
Sam smiled. ‘I’d find room for you somehow. Whenever you decide to come back.’ He shared a glance with Lily and she felt like crying.
Perhaps sensing the tension between them, étienne stepped in. ‘Girls, please finish your breakfast because we have a plane to catch and they won’t wait for us.’
‘Can I get you anything else?’ Sam said, back in host mode.
‘No, thanks,’ Lily and étienne said in unison.
‘In that case, I’ll load your luggage onto the boat.’ He held up his hands to forestall any argument. ‘Please stay here and enjoy breakfast. I’ll get everything ready so we can get away as soon as you’ve finished.’
After that, there was no chance to speak alone with him. Time galloped by and soon they were stepping onto the Hydra, mooring at Tresco then trundling in the golf buggy to the heliport.
‘Stay by me!’ étienne ordered, taking his daughters by the hand as the helicopter landed.
‘I don’t want to go home!’ Tania wailed.
‘I want to see Laura!’ Amelie said, referring to their nanny. ‘She can come with us next time.’
‘Laura’s gone to Ibiza with her boyfriend,’ étienne said. ‘I’m sure she’s enjoyed her holiday too. Oh, look, there’s a red squirrel on the field.’
‘Will it jump on the helicopter?’
Lily didn’t hear what étienne replied to Tania. She took her chance to speak to Sam.
I need time was a cop-out so she shifted into a mode she was more comfortable with: business. ‘How long do you think you need to finish the retreat?’
‘A month? Maybe less if we push it.’
She nodded. ‘Do you have any takers for the housekeeper and chef’s jobs?’
‘The chef said yes. I’ve had a couple of possibles for the housekeeper. One can start straightaway.’ He frowned. ‘Lily, why are you asking this now?’
‘Because I’m going to come back to visit you in four weeks’ time and help you throw an official opening bash for the Stark Retreat.’
‘If you say so.’ He gave a wry smile that was tinged with sadness and doubt.
‘I can see you don’t believe me but I will. The Lily who arrived isn’t the one who’s leaving.’
‘The one who arrived was just fine. More than fine; she’d just lost her way.’ The gentleness with which he said it, the sincerity in his eyes, almost made her wobble and say that she would stay. Instead, she pulled back just in time.
‘I never make promises I can’t keep. You do understand?’
Sam said, ‘I do, and I’d never ask you to make a promise apart from this: promise me you won’t change your life for me.’
The rotor noise increased. Lily ignored it. ‘What do you mean?’ She was practically shouting.
‘Auntie Lily!’ Tania and Amelie tugged on her hands and dragged her away from Sam. ‘Daddy says we have to go now or you’ll be left behind.’
étienne strode over.
‘You should go,’ Sam said.
‘We’ll miss you,’ the girls shouted.
‘I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you all.’ Then he turned away and Lily was ushered towards the helicopter.
The islands fell away, like water through her hands. Soon they were mere shapes on a map, their ragged edges surrounded by aquamarine sea. In minutes they were memories and only the ocean was visible, flecked with frothy white caps and dotted with ships.
Across the aisle, the girls were pointing and chattering but Lily couldn’t hear the words. A lighthouse came into view, then tall cliffs and a castle off the coast – St Michael’s Mount – and, weirdly, a large retail park. The helicopter skimmed perilously close to a Sainsbury’s before landing neatly on a yellow circle.
Lily said a silent prayer and sank back in the seat.
‘It’s OK. We’re alive.’ étienne’s hand was on her arm when she opened her eyes. He was smiling at her as the rotors slowed to a halt. He pointed out of the window. ‘And look, I could pop to those shops for a lawn mower and some baked beans.’
‘You don’t have a lawn,’ Lily said.
étienne smiled at her. She knew he was trying to lighten the mood.
Tania fiddled with her safety belt. ‘That was awesome!’
‘Stay in your seats, please!’ étienne ordered.
A few minutes later, they’d collected their bags and clambered into étienne’s car. Lily rested her head against the seat, grateful she didn’t have to make the long journey back to London by train on her own. The chatter of the children would distract her from the fact that every mile took her further from Scilly and from Sam.
Already the land seemed so big, so built-up, compared to the islands. Too many cars, too many people, too many questions – too many decisions to make.
The girls wore headphones and were playing on their tablets in the rear of the car.
‘Missing it?’ étienne said. ‘Missing him?’
Lily’s heart shrank a little more. ‘What do you think?’
‘I think you’ve left a piece of your soul behind.’
She saw Sam turn his back again, heard his desperate plea: ‘promise me you won’t change your life for me.’ What had he meant by that? Don’t make an effort? Don’t come back? Don’t fall in love with me?
‘Not my soul,’ Lily murmured.
‘Your heart, then?’
She chose not to answer. ‘I said I’d go back for the launch of the retreat in four weeks’ time.’
‘He’ll have all the cottages finished by then?’
‘He agreed to my deadline.’
‘He’ll meet it.’
étienne kept his eyes on the road, now thick with cars and caravans. ‘Of course, you’ll keep your side of the bargain too and go back.’
‘I don’t think Sam thinks so.’ She wasn’t sure he even wanted her back.
‘Then you’ll feel even more smug when you prove him wrong.’
‘I don’t want to feel smug. It’s not a competition.’ She sighed. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to be snarky. I’ve a lot on my mind.’ Every mile seemed to make her burden heavier: her business, Sam. Did he really not want her even to try and make their relationship work? Or was he simply protecting himself?
‘Is there a plan? You always have a plan. It’s what makes you so extraordinary.’
She laughed. ‘I am anything but extraordinary. The past few weeks have made me realise that I’m as fallible as anyone else. I can crumble, I can fail, I can change everything I believed about my life.’
‘Change can be the scariest thing of all,’ he said.
‘Terrifying … and I might have a plan for the business but I’ve so little experience in – love.’ There. She’d said the momentous word out loud. ‘I feel horribly out of my depth! It scares me to feel the way I do.’
‘Daddy, I need a wee.’
‘And me!’
étienne glanced in the mirror. ‘OK, we’ll stop at that farm shop I saw on the sign.’
‘The one with the baby llamas?’ Tania piped up.
In the mirror, Lily saw the girls grin at each other. The llamas had also been on the sign.
étienne sighed and said to Lily, ‘Prepare yourself. I don’t think it will be a quick stop.’