Chapter 13
Silence steeped the room in tension, and if not for the scrape of utensils against the elegant China, Ana might wonder if she’d gone deaf from the ringing in her ears.
Why had she agreed to come to Thanksgiving at her parents’ house?
“Benji, tell us about school. How are your grades?” Maureen asked.
“I’ve got Bs and Cs.”
“Mom, um, Ben has asked to be called…Ben. Not Benji,” Ana said, softening the correction with a smile.
“Well, Ben, why are you getting Cs?” the judge asked, joining the conversation. “Would you like for me to hire a tutor for you?”
“No,” Ana said quickly after Ben shot her an anxiety-filled look. “Bs and Cs are perfectly fine grades, Dad.”
“They are, but if he’s struggling with something unnecessarily, a tutor just makes sense,” her father said. “I’d be happy to look into getting a tutor to help you get ready for college.”
“Dad, no thank you. If or when Ben needs a tutor, I’ll take care of it.” It was a kind offer but one she wouldn’t accept. Her pride wouldn’t let her.
“What if I don’t want to go to college?” Ben asked, breaking the ongoing silence that had followed her denial.
Oh, no. Ben! Do not do this now, not here,Ana ranted silently. “That is a topic for another day,” she said firmly. “Mom, have you picked your dress for Quinley’s wedding?”
Ana prayed her mother would remember her words at the bridal shower and help stop the volcano about to erupt.
“What do you mean, you don’t want to go to college?” the judge asked, a frown deepening the lines on his face.
“I have,” her mother said. “I found a lovely rose-gold skirt set. I thought it would go well with her colors.”
“Just that I don’t want to. Not everybody goes to college now, especially with student loan debt so high and salaries not making up for it,” Ben said.
“Why would you need a loan? If your mother needs money??—”
“I don’t,” Ana stated with a pointed glare at her father. That was a subject that would not be reopened if she had anything to say about it. Her parents had eventually come around after her pregnancy announcement and offered everything from funding an abortion to quietly setting up an adoption. When that hadn’t worked, they’d switched tactics and offered to pay her living expenses—so long as she lived under their roof and gave the raising of Ben over to them. There was always a catch where money was concerned, and that catch equated to them controlling every aspect of her life. She’d rejected it then, and she rejected it now.
To her mother, she said, “Your dress sounds perfect. Did you know Ben is going to be one of the ushers?”
“I didn’t, but I’m not surprised given Quinley’s fondness,” Maureen said, going along with Ana’s obvious desire to keep things civil. “You’ll make a very handsome usher, Ben.”
“College is a foundation,” her father continued with stubborn persistence. “A much-needed stepping stone in building a man’s career and preparing him for the workforce.”
“What about the military?” Ben asked. “Maybe I want to do that instead.”
Ana’s fork slipped from her hand and clattered to her plate.
Where had that come from?
“The military?” Her father glanced from Ben to Ana to Maureen, exchanging an indecipherable look with Ana’s mother before his gaze speared Ben once again.
The judge looked as shocked as Ana felt, but she was not about to get into Ben’s reasons for the mention now. “Um, Mom,” Ana said, trying to divert the brewing storm, “what did you think of Rhys’s mother? She seemed nice, didn’t she?”
“Oh, she did,” Maureen said with more enthusiasm than the question warranted. “I think she and Quinley will??—”
“If that’s the case, Ben, at least tell me you’re smart enough to go in as an officer,” her father said. “That means going to college first. Or a good military school. I have a good friend who??—”
“Dad, stop. I am not shipping my son off to military school. As to the rest— That’s a discussion for us to have at another time. Can we please talk about something else?” Ana asked as she stared at the potatoes near her plate and fought off the memories of fights and disagreements that spiraled through her head at the discussion.
How many times had she fought with them about Cole? How many hours had she spent defending her decision to marry him right out of high school only to realize they’d been right all along?
Her father might be correct in his thinking regarding the how of Ben’s entry into the military should that happen down the line, but right now, all she could do was fight the riptide of overwhelming fears of loss and upset, like the past repeated itself and mocked her.
“But you’d be okay with me going into the military, right, Mom? If I want to, I mean?” Ben asked.
Ben’s question interrupted the silence at the table. Her parents and Ben watched her with their combined stares and waited for her response. Her mother looked worried, her father too for that matter.
She eyed the potatoes again. Right now, she’d welcome the tension-relieving aspect of a ridiculous food fight, or pretty much anything that would distract the lot of them.
“Ben obviously doesn’t know the extent of the options he has available for him,” her father said when she hesitated too long. “Your mother and I would be happy to pay for his college or…whatever training he’d like to pursue.”
“So long as you approve of it? Or so he feels dependent on you and does what you want and not what he wants?” She wanted Ben to follow his dreams wherever they may lead, but as a mother, his mother, she couldn’t ignore the surge of pain and panic at the thought of him facing the danger Cole had experienced. Or for Ben to feel like he owed her parents anything because they paid for his schooling.
As to the military… Had she avoided that life with Cole only to have it manifest in Ben?
Or was his sudden interest in the military due to the one-on-one time he’d spent hanging around Cole?
It was something to consider.
“The offer isn’t to control you or Ben, Analise. It’s to help the boy get off to a good start in life. Something you wouldn’t allow us to do for you.”
“I can just enlist. It’ll be okay,” Ben said. “Cole told me the military helped him grow up and become a man, and he’s extremely well trained now. He could get a job anywhere.”
She winced at the mention and prayed. Hard.
“Cole?”
Her father’s dangerously low tone wreaked havoc on her shredded nerves.
“Who is this Cole person you speak of?” the judge asked.
Finallyseeming to sense that he’d taken things a step further than he should have, Ben glanced at her before sliding his gaze back to his grandfather.
“Cole Blackwell. He’s one of Mom’s friends.”
Way to throw me under the bus,she mused.
The judge set his fork on his plate with painstaking precision and wiped his mouth with a napkin before tossing it to the table while shoving himself to his feet.
“Dad, don’t overreact,” she said.
“You will never learn, will you?”
Ana flinched. “Please, can’t we just eat and have a good Thanksgiving?”
“That man destroyed your life fifteen years ago, and now you’re back with him again?”
“I am not ‘back with him,’ and Cole didn’t destroy anything,” Ana said, her mind flashing with painful images of how utterly broken she’d been in the weeks and months leading up to sending Cole that email.
Cole had received it and taken on dangerous missions, but her battle had taken place before and after she’d sent it. From the moment Cole had left after Christmas, she’d been severely depressed and anxious and had barely been able to get out of bed as her anxiety continued to grow.
When she’d finally ended things, her parents had been so desperate, they’d contacted her friends to come and take her out. That’s where she’d made the stupid, stupid decision to drown herself in alcohol and a boy who’d never be a man…
“You—both of you—stay away from him.”
“Like that’s possible now,” Ben muttered wryly.
“What does that mean? What have you done, Analise?”
“Robert, please, calm down,” her mother said. “Your blood pressure is going up. Your face is turning red. Remember what the doctor said.”
Ana lifted her gaze and stared at her mom, noting her trembling lips and teary eyes as she stared at the judge, visibly worried about him.
Ana realized then, right then, the precarious place her mother found herself in because—as Ben’s mom—she now knew that place as well. The in-between, torn between two people with no easy answer in sight because to choose a side meant alienating the other.
Years ago, her family had driven her away. Shoved her out the door with every criticism and the statement that they knew best.
And even though she’d had a child to raise and no real sense of how to do it, she’d been determined to do it on her own, unable to forget the things they said in their upset.
But even if she’d followed their suggestions to give Ben up, she knew she’d feel the way she did right now. Resentful and angry and wondering why they couldn’t just accept her the way she was. For who she was.
She’d known she couldn’t give Ben up, either for adoption or as his mother. Couldn’t abort him and pretend all was well. Couldn’t forget that Ben’s father and her parents had asked her to do those things.
Her baby wasn’t to blame for her decisions. But after all these years… How was she just now seeing that her mother was in the same position? Torn between the man she loved and the child she’d born and loving both?
Or was it simply that her perspectives had changed with the maturity that life and the last fifteen years had given her and her parents were more…complicated and comprehending than she thought? They’d wanted the best for her—just like she wanted the best for Ben. But the best wasn’t all black and white.
“Mom didn’t do anything,” Ben said. “I’m the one who messed up, so stop yelling at her.”
“Analise, what does he mean?”
Her father’s low tone demanded a response, but when the silence stretched, he banged his fist onto the table, and Ana flinched in surprise. Ben jumped to his feet as though ready to physically defend her. A sight that took her breath because it reminded her of the way the Blackwell brothers had done the same during that first meeting.
“I stole a limo and wrecked it, and now I’m working to pay off the damages because Cole owns it,” Ben said before Ana could utter a word to stop him. “Now leave us alone! We didn’t want to come here anyway, and we’re not staying so you can yell at us. Mom, let’s go home.”
Analise didn’t look at either of her parents or Ben. She couldn’t force herself to do it. She was embarrassed and ashamed. Ben’s actions in stealing the limo proved how bad of a job she’d done as a parent, didn’t they? She was mortified by Ben’s behavior, yet having her parents hear…
It was like she relived the humiliation of having to come home from college to say she was pregnant, admit what she’d done at that party. At how Benjamin had been conceived.
Somehow she got to her feet, trembling, stumbling as she rounded the table using the unoccupied chairs to support her shaking legs.
Ben grasped her hand, and together they made their way to the front door of her parents’ house.
Ben even grabbed her purse from the chair by the massive double door entry and kept hold of her as they descended the steps to her Rav4.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I messed up. Are you okay?”
Her heart tugged at his words. A choked sob thickened his voice, and tears burned hot in her eyes. Her baby boy was bashing himself internally but still trying to take care of her. This was the boy she knew and remembered.
Her heart pinched at the fact her son was now showing an empathy and strength he hadn’t before. Something else she could probably attribute to his time with Cole and his brothers. “I’m okay. We are okay. In fact, I’m kind of hungry,” she said even though food was the farthest thing from her mind. “What do you say we…drive around for a bit and then—Chinese Thanksgiving?”
* * *
It didn’t take them long to get to one of their favorite restaurants. After placing their order for drinks and food, Ana braced herself for the conversation brewing in her head ever since Ben’s announcement at Thanksgiving dinner. “So…the military?”
Ben fiddled with his straw wrapper and shrugged.
“I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Does this have anything to do with Cole and all the time you’ve been spending with him?”
“No.”
“Ben.”
“Fine. Maybe? I don’t know. I mean, I guess it does some, but it’s not like I want to go to college, so why not?”
“Well, ‘so why not’ might not be a good reason to sign up for the military,” she said softly, striving to keep her voice even and all fear, bias and complaint out of the tone. “The military is hardcore, Ben. It’s not the easy-A class you take when nothing else appeals at the time.”
“I know that. I just…think it would be cool. Would you be mad at me if I joined?”
“Mad? No. Scared for you? Yes,” she said honestly. “I love you. You are…my world, and when I think of you in danger, I can’t…” She forced herself to meet Ben’s gaze and hold it. “I will support the decision you make in the future. After you have finished high school and have a few more years to check out other ideas of what you might want to do. Sound fair?”
She watched as the tension seemed to fade from his shoulders, and he slumped a little lower in the chair with a nod.
“Yeah. That’s fair. I guess the Taylors really don’t like Cole, do they?”
“No, they do not.” This time she was the one shifting her gaze. She fussed with her napkin and made sure the pointed ends landed just so.
“I know you used to go out. Was it serious?”
Honesty is everything, she mused. She couldn’t expect it from her son if she didn’t give it to him in return. “It was very serious. I met Cole when I was a freshman in high school, and we dated for four years. During my senior year, Cole…asked me to marry him, and I said yes.”
“But you didn’t marry him.”
She crushed the worn material of the fabric napkin in her grip and then started all over again. “No, baby, I didn’t. After I said yes…I got scared. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be or was ready to be a wife, much less a military wife.”
“But you loved him? You must’ve, or you wouldn’t have said yes when he asked you.”
In for a penny… A smile formed on her lips when she thought of all the good times she’d spent with Cole. “I loved him with all that I had, which made things even harder to sort out when I had to make a decision.”
“Grandpa said Cole destroyed your life.”
“Grandpa is wrong,” she stated emphatically, “and he shouldn”t have said that.”
“So what happened? Why does he think that? It must’ve been bad.”
Ana took hold of her glass and downed a long drink of her iced tea, wondering how to broach the subject of mental health with her son, especially given the way he’d acted out of late. But maybe this was the bridge she needed to cross to get Ben to open up? Consider counseling? “Cole didn’t ruin my life. Okay? He did nothing to put me in the mindset I was in. But like I said, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be a military spouse, and I was supposed to go to college. But because of Cole and the future we’d planned, I didn’t apply like I told my parents I would.”
“You lied to them.”
“I lied to them,” she said with a reluctant nod. “At the time, I was just trying to avoid yet another argument. But like parents tend to do, they found out, and they were justifiably upset. I shouldn’t have done that to them, and I regret that I did.”
“Do you? Or are you saying that because you don’t want me lying to you?”
“Both,” she said, sliding Ben her best motherly look. “Definitely both. Lying only caused mistrust, and it damaged our relationship in so many ways. I…knew they didn’t approve of Cole, so I wasn’t the most forthcoming about our plans or even the engagement until…I had to be.”
“Why didn’t they approve? Because they’re rich?”
“I think there were a lot of reasons. But, yes, I do think that’s one reason. Our age was another. We were really young, Ben.”
“Cole told me his parents both died, and he and his older brothers had to work to keep everyone together.”
She loved that Cole had opened up to Ben. That he’d shared something so personal. “That’s right. It was a scary time for their family. The Blackwells have done well for themselves from what I’ve heard, but back then it was just a gas station, and they had a lot of mouths to feed and to try to keep under one roof.”
“I bet Grandpa didn’t think Cole was good enough for you.”
Sometimes Ana wondered why she bothered to keep the awful things that had been said to herself, but she did. And she would continue to do so. Ben had enough to handle without throwing fifteen-year-old drama into the chaos. And as his mother, it was her job to protect him as best she could. Knowing his grandparents had wanted her to put Ben up for adoption would not help him in any way. “Maybe if I had been more honest with them, it would’ve made a difference, but now we’ll never know. That’s why I want a different relationship with you, though. I want us to be able to talk and openly communicate, Ben, even when the subject matter is tough to hear.”
“Is that why Grandpa said Cole ruined things? Because you lied to them about dating him?”
“No. That statement is because…after that Christmas when I said yes, I found myself struggling mentally and emotionally.”
Ben’s gaze searched hers, and she tried hard to be the source of strength she knew he needed as he processed her words.
“You mean like…suicide?”
“Not that but…I was in a very dark place and very rebellious. It wasn’t due to anything Cole said or did to me. I promise you that. Okay? I brought that mood on myself because I thought…I thought I was badass,” she said softly, earning a surprised laugh and glance from Ben.
“No, I really did. Sound familiar?” She lifted one eyebrow high and gave him a pointed stare. “I felt I couldn’t talk to my parents. And talking to my friends was risky because I wasn’t sure what they’d say to their parents, who’d then tell mine. So I shoved all the things bothering me down and hid it from everyone, even from myself, but the reality was that I wasn’t mature enough to cope with everything coming at me. Or the complications I’d created by lying to my parents in the first place.”
“But they blame Cole.”
“They do. Because they need someone to blame and— I don’t know, maybe they’re afraid to blame me too much.”
“Why don’t you date? Is it because of me?”
Ana tilted her head to the side as she stared at Ben. Hard place meet Rock.
“You can’t lie, Mom. You said you wouldn’t. I’ve…seen how men look at you. If I wasn’t around, would you go out with them?”
How did she explain that so many people had abandoned him, she refused to bring anyone else into their lives that might do the same? She couldn’t stand the thought of Ben getting close to a man she dated only to have him leave Ben behind should things not work out. “I don’t date because of…both, I guess. I mean, dating is hard, Ben. It takes a lot of energy and time, and you know I don’t have a lot of free time the way it is. Plus, I don’t want to lose what time I get to spend with you, especially not with you getting older and talking about joining the military.”
“You only heard that today. You can’t use that as an excuse,” he mumbled after taking a drink of his soda.
Ana smiled and leaned back when the waiter brought their food and set the plates in front of them. She waited until he walked away before she continued. “Well, it’s true, regardless. You’re growing up, and I am well aware of the fact that my time with you is getting less and less every day. I’m selfish. I don’t want to share it.”
She stared at Ben and placed her perfectly cornered napkin on her lap before picking up her fork even though she still had no appetite.
“That makes sense. Mason’s mom dates a lot. Mason’s said he never knows what guy’s gonna be in the house when he wakes up. I’d hate that. I’m glad you’re my mom and not her.”
Tears instantly filled her eyes, and she blinked hard, unwilling to ruin the moment because she knew it would embarrass Ben if someone saw her crying.
Ben inhaled a deep breath and exhaled in a rush of sound. “But I am sorry my dad bailed on you and you got stuck with me.”
For the second time that day, her fork fell to her plate with a clatter. Ana rushed to snatch it up, glad the restaurant was relatively empty, and no one seemed to pay any attention. “Ben, baby, I am not stuck with you. I’ve always wanted you. You have nothing to be sorry for. Do I make you feel this way? Because I don’t…I don’t like to talk about him?”
“I know who he is.”
She blinked. “You do?”
“Yeah.”
“Who… Did someone tell you? Are you okay? Is this why you’ve been acting out? You’re angry about…the past and now and…everything?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I just don’t get why you never told me his name. Or why you avoid talking about him.”
Her heart sank, and even though she knew this conversation would take place at some point, she hated that it had to be today. “Honestly, Ben, I just…didn’t want you to expect something from someone who couldn’t—wouldn’t—give you what you deserve.”
“Like his name?”
She nodded, her stomach churning with unease. “His name, his time and attention,” she said softly. “I…wanted to protect you, and I thought…I thought I was protecting you by not telling you. Like, maybe you wouldn’t miss something you never knew. That sounds awful, doesn’t it? Of course, you miss having a dad. I’m sorry??—”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. I should’ve done better. I just thought the less you knew, the less it would hurt that he wasn’t around. Does that make sense?”
She watched as he considered her words, her anxiety growing with every second that passed.
“It does. How did you meet? When? Seems like it had to be close to when you and Cole broke up. Am I right?”
“Oh, Ben.” Hadn’t they had enough deep revelations for the day?
“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. I was just curious.”
She stared into his father’s eyes and fought back the panic that surged inside of her. “You’re right. Cole and I broke up. I went out with friends, and your father and I met. Our…relationship didn’t last long.”
Please accept that and don’t ask for more. “Ben, if you’d like to talk to someone about all of this, a professional, I’ll make it happen. I can’t make you go, but please know that you can. I want you to have someone to talk to, someone you feel comfortable with. Just tell me and I’ll make the appointment.”
Ben gazed at her a long time and then nodded without comment, tucking into his food like only a teenaged boy could.
Ana eyed her plate and silently wondered if she’d ever be hungry again.