Chapter 14
Later that same evening, Cole quietly slid the patio door open and stepped through onto Analise’s back deck.
Her head lifted, and he saw her startle when she saw him.
“What are you doing here?”
He closed the door behind him. “I texted Ben to check and see how dinner at your parents had gone. He mentioned it was rough and how you wound up having Chinese for dinner. We always have too much food, so I brought some pumpkin and pecan pie for you both.”
The flames in the fire pit lit her face. Ana was beautiful inside and out, and while she might look fine, he could tell the day had taken a toll on her.
The shadows in her eyes weren’t due to the flames, and her fingers plucking at the blanket covering her legs was another familiar tell depicting her stress level.
“That’s kind of you. Thank you. For that and for checking up on Ben.”
“Mind if I have a seat?”
“Actually, Cole??—”
Cole quickly sat down beside her before she could ask to be alone and send him on his way.
She’d been alone long enough. To his way of thinking, it was past time she had someone she could lean on. Rely on. And he was more than up for the task. “It’s chilly out here.”
He lifted the blanket draped over her legs to slide beneath so they sat hip to hip, and it covered his legs as well.
“You aren’t cold,” she said dryly, giving him a side-eye.
He grinned at her and winked as he draped an arm around the top of the settee. “Despite those glares you’ve given me, I’m not only here for Ben. How bad was the dinner?”
A huff left her, and after a moment of consideration, she shook her head. “I’m okay.”
“I’m sure you are,” he said softly. “But that doesn’t mean it won’t help to talk about it.”
Another sound left her, low and revealing. He silently urged her to give, just a little. To let down the walls she’d built over the years. Come on, baby girl.
“What happened today at my parents is what always happens,” she said after a long stretch of silence. “We talk, we fight. End of story. I shouldn’t have gone at all. I knew better. But I thought after what my mom said at Quinley’s bridal shower that maybe we could finally sit at a table and remain civil. My mom was fine, but my dad… Joke’s on me.”
“What was the fight about? Fess up, baby girl.” Cole studied her profile, determined to not miss a flicker of expression that might clue him in to her feelings.
Ana wasn’t always the most forthcoming when it came to her emotions. He hadn’t realized she’d held so much back fifteen years ago, but now that he knew, he wouldn’t make the mistake again.
He needed to pay attention, draw her out when she couldn’t find the words. Help her to express herself so that he knew how to help her when it was all said and done.
“Me and Ben, and…us.”
Ana rolled her head along the cushioned seat, and her gaze narrowed on him.
“Why are you smiling?”
His grin widened, and a low chuckle escaped him as he lowered the arm he’d draped along the back of the settee to grasp her shoulder and tug her tight against his side. “Because you just admitted there is an ‘us.’”
“I did no such thing,” Ana said, the words preceded by a huff.
“That’s what I heard,” Cole said. “Tell me what your parents said that upset you.”
She made a soft growl of unease and faced the fire again, his question enough to distract from the fact he had his arm around her.
He had no doubt Ana wished he’d leave her be so that she could soothe the wounds of the day the way she always had: alone. But he wanted answers. And to be the person she felt secure enough to talk to about such things now and in the future.
“Ben casually mentioned you by name,” she said after minutes of silence. “Which wasn’t missed by my father, who then questioned Ben like he was on the witness stand. The snowball quickly became an avalanche when Ben revealed that he’d stolen your limo.”
Cole winced. “It’s understandable that your father was upset over Ben’s behavior.”
“But that wasn’t why,” she said softly, a mocking smile forming on her lips. “No, he was upset that you were back and…in contact.” A husky laugh left her, devoid of humor. “The judge didn’t even comment on the theft at that point because it was all about you.”
Cole stiffened in the seat next to her as he processed her words. It didn’t make sense to him that her father was more upset about his involvement in their lives than the man’s grandson stealing something that didn’t belong to him. “Why? You said once that your parents blame me for the past. Why do they blame me? You’re the one who ended things between us.”
After a long, long silence and several breaths, Ana said, “They blame you…because of me.”
“Ana, explain that. Please.”
She closed her eyes, but he saw the wetness thickening her eyelashes. She struggled to find the words, and he struggled to find the patience needed to sit there and wait when he wanted to dive into her brain and find them for himself. To help her with whatever it was she wasn’t saying.
“That’s not so easy to do.”
“Try,” he said, insistent. The only way to get to the bottom of this mess was to communicate. Something they hadn’t been good at in the past. “Good, bad and ugly, baby. Tell me what happened while I was away.”
He watched Ana as she took a few breaths and shifted on the cushioned seat as though settling in for a long while.
“I…hated being separated from you. But you left again after Christmas, and the weight of everything started crashing down on me. All the graduation stuff set in and final exams, and my parents were on me constantly about college. They knew better than to forbid me to marry you, but their disappointment was made clear from sunrise to sunset.
“When I did sleep, I had nightmares. Horrible dreams about you getting shot… B-blown up. I kept dreaming that I was somewhere alone, and soldiers would show up to say you were…that you were dead. I’d wake up screaming night after night. Which…only gave my parents more reason to believe I wasn’t ready, that I was ruining my life, and it was your fault. They blamed you for everything.”
Cole tugged her closer, tucked her head under his chin and used his free hand to touch her cheek, running his knuckles over the softness over her cheekbone. “Why didn’t you talk to me about this?”
“And say what? I dream about you dying? Yeah, that’s what you tell a soldier when he leaves for war.”
He ran his fingers through his hair, mind scrambling. He wasn’t sure how he could have reassured her, but he would have at least tried. A thought came to him, chilling him to the bone. “When you were upset… Did you try to… Did you hurt yourself?”
He forced the question past his lips, hardly able to breathe as he waited for her response.
Cole studied her profile while she stared straight ahead, her gaze locked on the flames and a million miles away in the darkness of the past.
“No, not really.”
“What does that mean, Ana?”
“Just that I couldn’t eat because of stress, and…I lost a lot of weight. Then because you were gone, my mother kept insisting I attend cotillion. I thought agreeing would get her off my back for a little while.”
“I remember.” Her mother had been after Ana to go through with the old-fashioned ritual to “come out” to society families as a datable young woman, but Ana had argued that she wouldn’t attend because the rules stated she had to be escorted by another club member’s son. She’d gotten away with putting her mother off until Maureen had brought it up again like a dog with a bone, insisting Ana do it in lieu of the proms she’d refused to attend because Cole couldn’t. “I wish you’d talked to me. Told me you were so afraid of getting married. We could have waited.”
“I should have. I realize that now, but I didn’t want you to worry, not when you were so far from home.”
Cole hated that he’d done that to her. Hearing how upset she’d been leading up to sending that Dear John email… To know he’d been so focused on himself and the military that he hadn’t realized the private hell she’d gone through.
“It wasn’t just us and marriage. It was…all of it. No matter what I did or said, I hurt someone. You or my parents. Myself. My future. Our future. It wasn’t one thing but all of them. I couldn’t…handle it.”
She looked embarrassed, even though she had nothing to be embarrassed of. He’d seen firsthand what stress could do to a person. The ways it could mess with someone’s brain and body. PTSD was the real deal. He had more than a bit of it himself thanks to what he’d seen overseas. And she had been a sheltered girl suddenly realizing a lot of things. “What happened after I told you I couldn’t make it back for your graduation? The truth, Ana.”
She wrinkled her nose at him. “Sure you wanna know?”
“I want to know all of it.”
She inhaled another shaky breath. “The cotillion dresses had to be white and the one I had chosen… It looked like a wedding dress. The moment I saw it, I knew that it was my wedding dress.”
The words sucker punched him. She’d chosen her dress thinking of that. Of them and their future. All the while being terrified of it.
Once, in the lowest of the lows he’d felt after she’d broken up with him, he’d scoured the internet for images from the event she’d mentioned.
Country club people liked their fancy parties and balls, and he knew Analise would be among those photographed since she was the prominent judge’s daughter.
A part of him resented that she’d given into her parents’ demands that she attend even though she’d given up so much of her youth already by dating him and missing the high school dances and proms. But Ana hadn’t been listed among the names and images Cole had found of the event. “Why didn’t you go to the cotillion?”
She stared at him in surprise.
“I know you didn’t go. I searched for a picture of you later. You weren’t in any of them, and you weren’t listed as a debutante.”
A wariness filled her gaze that Cole couldn’t begin to understand.
“The closer it got to summer, the more upset I became. I was Bella Swan mourning her glittery boyfriend,” she said dryly. “I was obsessed with you coming home again for graduation, and I even convinced myself that once you were home, I could talk you into running away somewhere where the military would never find us.”
“I would’ve been AWOL, Ana.”
“I know. But I-I had the dress and my crazy teenage fantasies, and even though I was ridiculously freaked out over being a military wife, I thought it had to be better than constantly fighting with my parents.”
She shot him a hesitant glance.
“I fully admit to being more than a little crazy during this time period because despite it all, I still imagined us going to the courthouse as soon as graduation was over.”
He groaned softly. “And while you were going through all of this, I got deployed and told you I wouldn’t be home for a year or so.”
“I was devastated. Completely and totally inconsolable. And it was all the ammunition my parents needed to double down on their attempts to convince me I couldn’t handle military life and—” She broke off and rubbed her face, like she could scrub away the memories and the pain.
“And my mother kept on and on about the stupid cotillion. Like it would somehow fix everything I was feeling. I became so sick of it all that one day I kind of lost it. That’s when I broke up with you, grabbed the dress and…set it on fire.”
Shock rolled through him. “You torched the dress?”
“Yup,” she said, popping the P until a raw chuckle left her chest. “And I’d added way too much lighter fluid, so it…kind of blew up.”
“Ana.” Rough laughter rumbled through him, but he couldn’t help it. Couldn’t stop it. Not when he could picture her performing some kind of boyfriend-parent bashing bonfire ritual on the front lawn of her parents’ fancy beach house.
“Oh, it gets worse.”
“Worse?” The word was a gasp as he laughed to the point of wheezing. “Baby, please tell me you didn’t set the house on fire, too.”
She grinned and giggled at his words and then they were both laughing, managing to simmer down after a bit until they’d look at each other and erupt again.
Finally, after one last bout of laughter, she swiped her hands over her eyes to remove the tears and shook her head.
“I didn’t burn the house down, but a few pieces of outdoor furniture might have been sacrificed because they were too close. Anyway, after the fire trucks and neighbors left, the Taylors found out I’d broken up with you, and they finally backed off and changed tactics. They let me wallow for a few days and instead of punishing me, they had my friends come kidnap me for the grad party. In my mother’s words, I was to go ‘do something normal.’ They thought it would help. Instead I wound up drunk and pregnant.”
“That is a heck of a story, sweetheart.” No wonder her parents hated him. After all, as good parents, they couldn’t blame her for the depression and fears that had set in, but they could certainly blame him as the root cause of things.
Lost in her fear and rollercoaster emotions, she’d lashed out, set a fire, and made decisions she wouldn’t have normally made. Ana wasn’t the party type and had only ever been with him. She wasn’t the girl that got drunk and hooked up with random guys. She’d been completely lost in the hurt and the pain, desperate to make it disappear any way she could.
He understood that place because he’d been there. Done the same thing when he’d volunteered as a target on those back-to-back missions and placed himself in harm’s way.
Cole inhaled until his lungs couldn’t take an ounce of air more and then exhaled slowly. That was a lot to unpack. “So back at your parents’ house today when they heard my name…”
“My father exploded, Ben became a font of information and revealed his recent misbehavior, and…for a moment, I was that girl again. Thankfully Mom didn’t have any candles on the table or things could’ve gotten sketchy.”
He chuckled at her wry attempt at humor and leaned in to press a lingering kiss to the top of her head. “Sounds like you handled the situation admirably. I hate that I caused you so much pain and that’s all your parents think of when they hear my name.”
“It’s not your fault, Cole.”
Ana tilted her head back so that it rested on his upper arm, staring up at him. Cole lowered his gaze to her lips and ached to kiss her.
Ana must have sensed his desire because she abruptly shifted and sat forward, picking up the wine glass she’d set aside and downing what was left.
“I couldn’t be what you needed me to be, and I’m definitely not the daughter my parents wanted. From start to finish, I take full responsibility. What did you call it? The good, bad and ugly? It’s all on me.”
He stretched out a hand so that he could gently dig his fingers into her hair. He loved her hair. The length and scent and feel of it wrapped around his fingers. “You made a mistake. It happens.”
“You make it sound simple.”
“Because it is. No one is perfect. All the decisions and moments and dress fires,” he said, smiling at the image. “They create us. And because of them we change and grow. But so long as we’re moving forward and becoming better, that’s all that matters.”
She turned her head to look at him, her expression so full of longing and wistfulness that Cole ached to comfort her, even though he felt Ana would probably reject him. “Tell me why you’re scared now. Why you ran out the night of the ball and avoided me since.”
“I can’t handle another fight tonight,” she said, slipping out from under the blanket and away from him to the other side of the fire.
“Then let’s not fight. Let’s talk. We have a lot of years of maturity at work for us now. Neither one of us are the same people we were back then.”
“I know that.”
“But?” Ana turned to face him, and even wrapped in a coat and makeup free, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She lifted her hands and then quickly lowered them, a huff of sound erupting from her chest as the firelight highlighted her features and turned her eyes to clear green.
“But things are even more complicated now than they were back then. I have a child to consider, I have a business to run, and I have a life chock-full of responsibilities which means I don’t have the luxury of checking out or melting down like I did back then.”
“You don’t think love is worth the risk? Is that it?” he asked, standing slowly. “Because I disagree. And I think my parents and even yours would disagree.”
“My parents?”
“Ana, your parents are a lot of things, but even I can see how much they love you. Not to mention their marriage is apparently strong enough to survive the ups and downs of their years together.”
A derisive laugh emerged from her, and he hated the sound because it was so unlike Ana and the person he saw—knew—her to be.
“My parents hate you because of me. Why are you defending them?”
He stalked around the pit and caught her by the elbows before she could turn and move away. “Because I can put myself in their shoes. If they want to blame me, they can. They’re scared of the past and what happened because they love you and want to protect you. What they don’t see is that maybe we’re connected in ways only God understands.”
Her eyes widened as she stared up at him, and she shook her head at his words.
“Cole, I meant what I said. We’ve had our moment. Can’t we just…be friends?”
“There’s no playing it safe here, Ana. I don’t want to be your friend. And who’s to say we only get one moment? Any kid could’ve taken the limo, but it was your son and my limo. What are the odds?” He tangled his fingers loosely in her hair once again and noted the way her breath hitched. She wasn’t as immune to him as she wanted to pretend.
“So now you believe in fate and serendipity? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I believe,” he said, tugging her flush against him, “some moments are our second chances because we weren’t ready the first time around, and there aren’t any other ways to explain them.”
Cole used his fingers in her hair to hold her still for his kiss. Warmth flowed through them, brought together with their breath and their touch and the tension heightening the very air around them as he took the moment for himself. For them. Hoping to remind Ana of all that they’d once shared and could again if she’d let them.
One kiss bled into three and then four until Ana pulled away with a muffled sound and a determined shake of her head. “Ana.”
“No, Cole, I can’t do this. Not tonight.”
He’d hoped for more time with her. Time to talk about what had happened today and in the past. To kiss her until she lowered her guard and gave up the guilt that kept her afraid and locked in the box she’d hidden in for all these years.
How could he break through that?
Ana stared up at him, looking more than a little annoyed by the kiss and all the emotions it had brought up.
Or was it her response to his kiss?
Yeah, that was it, he decided, watching the way she hurried to shift her gaze away from him and ran her tongue over her lips like it was a guilty pleasure.
Ana locked her arms over her front defensively and glared up at him.
Cole sighed and lowered his voice. “How about instead of nightmares tonight, you think about us all grown up and ready for our future?”
“Your ego is seriously out of control.”
“Only when it comes to you. Goodnight, baby girl. Sweet dreams.” Cole winked, chuckled at her responsive gasp and turned toward the walkway that trailed around the house rather than taking the path back through it.
When he made it to the corner, Cole paused long enough to see Ana turn off the gas-fueled fire and go back inside, shutting and locking the patio door behind her.
He’d almost made it back to his Jeep when he turned his head to see Ben bounding off the front porch.
“Stay away from my mom.”
Cole faltered at Ben’s anger. “Hey, Ben. I guess you saw that, huh?”
“Why are you messing with her? She doesn’t need some guy screwing with her head.”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m not doing either of those.” Cole leaned back against the side of the Jeep but kept his focus on Ana’s son. “I’d never intentionally hurt your mother. I care for her, Ben. A lot. I always have. And I get that you’ve been the only man in her life for a long time, but if I have anything to say about it, that’s going to change soon. You need to accept that.”
“And if I don’t?” Ben challenged, nostrils flaring with every breath.
“Then you are more selfish than I thought, and you and I are going to have to come to an understanding one way or another.”
“I’m not selfish.”
“Then stay out of my way. Ben, your mom is an amazing woman. She deserves to be loved. To have a man share her life.”
“She has me.”
Cole let his skepticism show. “Do you share the load? Help her with all her responsibilities here and with her business, with everything else? Are you there for her when she needs someone to hold her in the middle of the night? And even if you do a couple of those things every now and again, where are you going to be in five years? Huh? What about ten? Are you going to give up your future to be that constant for her then, too?”
Ben glanced toward the house and then back at Cole, a frown pulling his eyebrows low over his nose.
“I hadn’t…thought of it like that.”
“I know. Maybe it’s past time you did, though.”
A long silence followed his words, and Ben shifted on his oversized feet.
“You really like her? For real?”
A huff left Cole’s chest, and he nodded. Like did not begin the scratch the surface of what he felt for Ana. But to say he loved her wasn’t enough, either. He felt more, something bigger, deeper, stronger. “Yeah, Ben, I really do. I want to be those things for her. So are you going to help me out here or what?”
“I don’t like seeing you kiss my mom.”
Cole chuckled and shook his head. “You’ll have to get used to it, Ben, ‘cause I have no plans to stop.”
Ben glared at Cole, and after a long moment, the teenager straightened to his full height and lifted his chin.
“You’d better not hurt her, or you’ll answer to me.”
Cole accepted the warning with a nod and the seriousness and respect it deserved as he stretched out a hand. “Deal.”