Chapter 18
The restaurant was a popular one with an area in the back hosting karaoke until midnight. Ben had regained control of his emotions by the time they arrived, and now he looked nervous rather than upset.
They found a table in the back, and Cole was thankful for the darkened corner away from the flashing lights of the stage.
A waitress spotted them and made her way over to take their drink order while they looked over the menu. She eyed Cole like a sweet treat, but he pointedly ignored the woman smiling at him, commenting that she liked his tattoos and how she thought it was sweet that he’d brought his son out for the fun.
Cole was very aware of Ben watching him with a suspicious gaze.
“Do girls always look at you like that?”
A low huff left Cole’s chest. “What girl?”
Ben ignored the menu and focused on Cole.
“You really do like my mom, right? You’re not just gonna…hang around for a while and leave? Because that wouldn’t be cool.”
Cole gave the boy his full attention and shook his head. “I don’t plan on going anywhere, Ben. I’ve done my share of dating since your mom and I broke up, but…I don’t think I ever stopped loving her.”
“For real?”
Cole nodded, meaning it. “For real. She’s special. The timing wasn’t right back then. We were too young, and I can see now that we probably would’ve crashed and burned. Your mom was smart enough to pull the trigger so that didn’t happen. But I think things are different now.”
Apparently appeased, Ben nodded and shifted his attention to the crowd, his gaze searching every table.
Cole had performed his scan the moment they’d walked in, looking for any man around his age that resembled Ben. There were three possibilities, but only time would tell as Ben spotted them and mentally put an online photo with a face from the crowd. “Don’t take this as your hall pass, Ben. I’m still angry with you. You know how much I like your mom, and you know how pissed she’s going to be at me when she finds out I couldn’t keep track of her son. But you did it anyway, and that’s not okay.”
Ben had the emotional maturity to wince at the words.
“I just— I knew I couldn’t ask her to bring me. And if she knew why I wanted to come, she’d never let me or she’d be sad because I wanted to. Since she’s gone, it seemed like the perfect time, you know?”
An older woman got up on stage, and music filled the restaurant along with fairly decent singing.
“Here are your drinks. Now what about food? Maybe an appetizer?” the waitress asked.
“What do you say? Want to split a sampler?” Cole asked.
Ben shrugged. “Sounds good.”
“All right, then. I’ll put your order in and get it right out to you,” the waitress said, smiling at Cole again before she walked away.
“I’ll pay since you brought me,” Ben said. “Mom gave me some cash before she left. I’m sorry I snuck out, but— Thanks again for not making me go home.”
“Don’t worry about the food, Ben. I’m just glad you finally told me the truth about why you wanted to come.” He leaned his elbows on the table to be closer and decided to get some more answers. “How long have you been stalking him online?”
“A while.”
“Ben.”
“A year or so? Ever since I found his name in Mom’s old jour—uh. Ever since I found his name.”
Cole stared at Ben and shook his head. “Her journal? Seriously, Ben?”
Ben glanced around, looking everywhere but at Cole.
“It wasn’t like I went looking for it. I was hunting for my old soccer ball in the garage when I found it. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t have read it if you were me.”
“I…” Cole inhaled and groaned. Would he have been able to put the journal back without reading it when it held the key to that time? When he couldn’t answer the question he asked, “Is there anything else you need to confess to?”
“Here’s your sampler and all the fixings,” the waitress said, sliding up on Cole’s left. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Thanks,” Cole said without looking at her.
“Well, you boys enjoy, and I’ll check back on you in a while.”
“Thank you,” Ben said politely.
Cole grunted that the boy remembered his manners now rather than earlier before he’d snuck out or when he’d found the journal or before he’d stolen the limo. “Well?”
“No. Just the journal.”
“You get that those are private, right?”
Ben’s expression shifted several times as emotions played out.
“Mom started writing in it when she began college. Talked about her classes and meeting Quinley. The journal was part of an assignment, I think, so it wasn’t all private.”
“Stop making excuses,” Cole said. “You did it. So own it.”
“Fine. I read it,” Ben said without apology.
“And she wrote about your dad?”
“Not at first. She wrote about how she’d gotten sick in a class and hurled at the back of the room. How tired she was and how glad she was to get away from the Taylors. The classes she liked and the ones she didn’t.” Ben paused. “She said she missed you. A lot. And she wrote a lot of prayers for you to be kept safe.”
Cole paused at the news and then swallowed the bite of food in his mouth. Ana hadn’t known how bad he’d taken the news, but she’d still prayed for him. That meant a lot. “She did, huh?”
“Yeah. She was really scared for you. Anyway then she realized she was pregnant, and that’s when she talked about my dad and who he was. She wrote about…how much she regretted hooking up with him and stuff. Some of the pages had water on them, like she’d cried, you know, when she wrote them.”
“That was probably hard for you to read.”
Ben nodded, his head down, shoulders slumped.
“Ben, you know your mom can regret how something happened without regretting the results, right? She loves you more than anything. She might regret her actions that night at the party, but she doesn’t regret you. You know that, right?”
Ben’s face turned red again, and he blinked rapidly at Cole’s words. Obviously Ben and his mom needed to talk about some things. Important things.
Ben’s father hadn’t wanted to be a dad, Ana’s parents had been upset and distanced themselves over the years, or Ana had distanced herself from them. Either way, the result was the same.
The people who should have been there for Ben hadn’t been, and the kid felt it. Lived it.
A guy got up to sing next, and as he ended his song, a couple walked into the area with two children in tow.
Applause broke out among a crowded table at the front due to their arrival, and the man ate it up. He called out to a few people as he impatiently ushered his group through the tables to where the larger group sat.
Cole’s mind flashed to Ben’s words about his father being an egomaniac and given the guy’s dark hair and build, Cole turned to Ben in question.
Sure enough, Ben had paled to the color of milk and looked like he was going to hurl up the food he’d just scarfed down.
“I’m guessing that’s him?”
Ben nodded, never taking his gaze off the man.
The guy left his wife and offspring to fend for themselves while he hopped up on stage and grabbed the mic like a talk show host. He told a few jokes, egging on the crowd before the music kicked up a few notches and he belted out the first few lines of a popular song.
Cole had to give him props because the guy was a good singer. But Cole hoped Ben saw the way the guy ignored his toddler when the little boy got away from his mother and scrambled on stage, reaching up for his dad to hold him. The guy kept singing instead, glaring at the child for disrupting the show and motioning for his wife to do something, even though she had her hands full with a baby to look after.
The woman passed the baby off to a friend in the crowd and approached the tiny stage to snag the boy. The toddler screamed louder, wanting “Daddy hold him.”
Instead of snuggling his son, the guy chose to sing another song while his wife carried the now-screaming boy to the lady’s room.
The crowd would applaud each time the man finished a song. Then he’d wave a hand at the dude at the controls, and another song would start, like he had a whole set list and performed a concert and reveled in the attention.
Cole’s anger rose. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact Ana had been with someone like that. Then again, she’d been drinking that night, drowning the pain of their breakup with alcohol. Ana wasn’t thinking clearly when she’d chosen her hookup because Cole instinctively knew the guy on stage wasn’t someone who would’ve normally appealed to her.
But none of that mattered now. Not when Ben teemed with upset and hurt and a million other emotions he visibly struggled to process as he watched the scene play out.
Cole searched his brain and tried to come up with something that might make Ben feel better about his conception.
He came up empty.
Sometimes a beautiful lie hurt worse than the truth, and right now, the truth stared them in the face with brutally painful detail.
Cole wiped his hand over his mouth and rubbed hard as he put himself in Ben’s shoes. To need something—to need this—knowing how much it would hurt. Ben had guts. Courage he undoubtedly got from his mother.
Ana would be devastated when she heard because she’d look at it as another failure on her part. She’d take it to mean that she wasn’t enough to satisfy Ben’s needs as a parent, and that’s why he’d sought out the man that made his existence possible. “Have you seen what you needed to see?”
Ben nodded, the movement jerky. “Yeah. Can we leave now?”
“You bet. Let’s go.” Cole took out some bills and caught the waitress’s eye before tossing them to the table to cover the food and tip.
Cole didn’t wait for her to arrive. Ben was already out of his chair and heading toward the exit, and Cole hurried to follow, grimacing when the man’s wife and baby boy appeared ahead of Ben in his path. The toddler had gotten lose from his mother once again and ran into Ben’s legs before holding onto them for balance.
“Sorry,” the woman said, bending to pull the little boy away. “He’s tired and just wants his daddy.”
Cole stepped close just as the woman stood and hauled the toddler up with her only to freeze when she caught sight of Ben’s emotion-ravaged face.
“Oh, honey. Are you all right?”
Ben sidestepped her and bolted for the door, and Cole followed, avoiding the woman’s gaze.
Outside, the temp had dropped and left the parked vehicles with fogged glass. Ben walk-jogged a few steps before stopping and bending at his waist, hands on his knees as he gasped out a few choked curses and sobs.
Cole walked slower, giving Ben a few minutes to come to terms with the night. When Ben straightened, Cole wrapped an arm around Ben’s shoulders and steered him toward the Jeep.
Another raw sob tore out of Ben’s chest, the sheer brokenness of the sound ripping Cole in two.
“I hate him,” Ben said, his voice thick with tears and emotion. “He’s a loser. He told my mom to kill me because he didn’t want a wife or kids. He’s a liar. He just didn’t want us. He didn’t want me.”
Cole had never doubted that Ben’s father was less than. He’d proven that when he’d left Ana and his son to fend for themselves. At any point, Ben’s dad could’ve contacted Ana and inquired about their child, taken on some of the responsibilities, but he hadn’t.
In his opinion, there was a special place in hell for men who abandoned their wives and families and left them struggling. And Ana had struggled. On every front, she’d struggled to cope and survive, losing her parents in the process as well.
He’d never understand how people—the very ones who were supposed to love you and support you—were the first ones to burn the bridges meant to lead the way home.
All Cole could do was grip Ben’s shoulder and neck, letting the teenager cry it out. God knew he deserved to shed the tears.
After a few long minutes when Ben’s tears had lessened to sniffles and shuddering breaths, Cole spoke from the heart. “Ben, it sucks that he’s the short straw you pulled when it comes to a father, but I’m going to tell you something and I mean it. Look at me and listen up.”
Ben blinked a few times and wiped a hand under his runny nose before sliding a glance at Cole that ripped his heart to shreds.
“You do not need that poor excuse for a man in your life. He might be your biological dad, but that doesn’t make him a father. He’s not. And no matter what happens between me and your mom, you need to know you’re mine now. You hear me? I am your family now, which means you’re a Blackwell. That also means you’ve got me and Brooks and Alec and Gage—all of us—to help you through whatever you need. We are your family, Ben. You understand? You do not need that guy in there.”
Ben blinked at him, a fresh bout of tears appearing on his cheeks, so choked up he just nodded.
“Good,” Cole said. “But I gotta warn you, this also means you’ve got a lot more people who are going to expect the best of you. No more excuses for bad behavior, no more acting out. If you have a problem, you talk to one of us. No more stunts. You got it? You don’t sneak out and— take on something like this alone. When I think of what could’ve happened to you tonight…”
“Nothing bad happened,” Ben said.
“Maybe not, Ben, but you put yourself at risk. You could have disappeared, and we might’ve never found you. Is that something you want to put your mom through?”
Ben’s lips trembled, and he swiped a hand under his nose again.
“No. I’m sorry I keep screwing up. God, mom’s really going to be pissed if you tell her.”
“When,” he corrected, not budging because he knew to keep it a secret meant it coming back to bite him later. “And you’ve got that right. She is.”
Ben’s stunt was not going to help Ana’s mood on any level. Neither was bringing Ben here tonight. And Cole would have to tell her that part of the story, too. And hope she’d forgive him.
“It wasn’t your fault I snuck out. I’ll tell her it was me. That I-I wanted to see friends.”
“No, we are not lying about what went down tonight. Ben, your mom needs to know how you feel. She needs to know that you’re struggling so she can help you or get you help. Someone you feel secure enough to talk to about your biological dad.”
“A lot of my friends go to therapy. Mom’s…mentioned therapy before because of the Taylors and stuff.”
“So maybe it’s time to let her arrange it for you. But until you decide, we have to come clean on what went down tonight. No matter how much it’s gonna hurt. Tonight is on both of us, and now— We have to deal with the fallout.”
* * *
Ana got home from New York City much later than she’d expected Sunday evening due to a storm system delaying flights. After dancing the night away in a club belonging to one of Rhys’s megarich friends—so security could keep a close watch on Quinley and have backup should there be trouble—they’d slept in the following morning and then received the weather news.
While Quinley dozed off her champagne hangover during the flight back, Ana had used the time to go over every single conversation from her weekend away. The one with Quinley in the hotel room after the fitting, the texts she’d exchanged with Cole. All of them.
She blamed the drink and the music and fun she’d had for why she’d sent Cole that picture. At least, she tried to. But if she were honest—and she was working hard to be more honest with herself rather than bury her head in the sand—those weren’t the only reasons why.
Honesty meant accepting that a part of her wanted Cole’s attention, even though she was so far away. Because while Cole had seen her the night of the hotel opening gala looking sophisticated and businesslike, and at the Marine ball in something “suitable”, he hadn’t seen her as a woman out on the town ready for fun and—she’d wanted him to.
But why?
Why send the picture unless Quinley was right, and she needed to admit something tangible was happening between them?
She’d left her child with Cole, for pity’s sake. That said it all, didn’t it? That level of trust…of knowing Cole would do whatever was required to keep Ben safe…
But it was more than that. She’d wanted Cole to see her as he used to?
To know that smiling, fun, carefree girl sometimes still existed, and she wasn’t all rules and work and the chaos of her life?
As she drove home from the airport, her pulse picked up speed when she thought of the picture Cole had sent to her of his military days.
She’d choked on her drink when the photo had come through her phone. While all the men in the photo were handsome in their own way, ripped and muscular and in prime physical shape, Cole had stood out from the pack. At least to her.
Even thinking of him now sent a shiver through her and created a pleasant flush that had nothing to do with alcohol.
And everything to do with the man. He was gorgeous but also smart, kind, caring, tender. The list of qualities seemed endless, topped by his ability to get under her skin and annoy her.
And that whole primal claiming thing? Saying she was his? Why had she liked that so much? She prided herself on being independent and strong and capable. But knowing he wanted her in that way… It just did something, said something.
Finally she made the turn down the road leading to her small home, and she gasped when she saw the twinkling lights now outlining her roof and gabled porch. She pulled in and parked, unable to keep the smile off her face as she got out.
“Do you like it?” Ben asked hurrying toward her from the little walkway that led around the house to the back deck.
“I love it! Ben, you did all of this?”
“Me and Cole. We fixed some other things too. The broken shutter and the trim piece by the door. Lots of stuff. Come see what else we did in the back.”
Cole appeared behind Ben, looking tall and strong and just as sexy as he was whenever that picture had been taken, though he wore a thick hoodie to combat the November wind blowing in off the Atlantic and Cape Fear River.
Ben charged ahead of her and retraced his steps past Cole along the side of the house, while she took a moment to grab her small suitcase from the backseat.
Before she had time to set it on the ground, Cole was there, his hand sliding over hers in a shiver-inducing touch as he took the suitcase and her laptop bag from her to carry.
She smiled up at his taller form and tilted her head to the side at the welcoming yet wary expression he wore. “Is something wrong?”
Hands full of her baggage, Cole simply lowered his head and stole a kiss like he couldn’t help himself.
She heard a thud as her suitcase hit the gravel at their feet, but then Cole’s hand gently cradled her jaw, his fingers slid into her hair, and she couldn’t stop the little moan that formed.
The man certainly knew how to kiss. One kiss quickly blended into two and then three. Cole stole her breath and her senses and left her weak-kneed and reeling.
“Mom, come on! Hurry up!”
Cole ended the kisses with a soft growl that left her toes curling in her cute designer booties. She stared up at Cole, the rugged planes and angles of his face lit by the glow radiating off the house.
He was so handsome, but there was more to him than his looks. And it was getting harder and harder to remember her reasons for keeping Cole at a distance when he looked at her the way he did. Like he truly forgave her for all the pain she’d caused him.
And when he kissed her… Well, she forgot most everything else as well.
“Ben’s excited to show you our surprise.”
She nodded, still feeling the effects of the kiss like the most potent champagne. “Lead the way.”
Cole set off carrying her stuffed suitcase and computer bag as though they weighed nothing.
She followed more slowly, picking her way along the paving stones behind him. During her pondering on the flight home, Quinley’s comment about the difference between living and existing kept replaying in her head.
That…and the fact that she now recognized the fact that she merely existed. She woke up, worked, took care of Ben and the house, and went to bed to get up and do it all over again. She went through the motions of life, but— If she were totally honest, she felt empty a lot of the time. No, most of the time. She felt disconnected and lacked joy.
But ever since Cole had reappeared in her life… Could it really be so simple? Could the difference be sharing common plans and dreams, goals—kisses—with someone? Having someone to talk to, act as a sounding board? Having a friend who was more than a friend?
But was friendship what she wanted with Cole? Because the kiss he’d just given her—stolen, though she wasn’t complaining—had left her wanting more. But that would mean??—
Ana gasped as she turned the corner. Not only did the Christmas lights extend all the way around to the back, but Ben and Cole had also added lights to all her ornamental evergreens and the trees that lined the tiny back yard. It looked like a glowing fairytale.
A fire blazed in the pit, and they’d even retrieved her containers of decorations from storage and added her beach-themed holiday pillows and items to the lounge area. And beyond the patio door…their Christmas tree twinkled in the darkened interior of the house.
“Do you like it?” Ben asked. “We didn’t decorate the tree. We just put it up and put lights on it so it’s ready to decorate. I told Cole that’s the part you didn’t like.”
“I do hate fluffing and doing the lights.” She shook her head, laughing softly, unable to keep from smiling as she took in all the details. “It’s beautiful. I can’t believe you did all of this. I love it. Thank you. Both of you.”
“We wanted to surprise you.”
“You’ve succeeded and then some.”
“Ben…why don’t you take your mom’s stuff inside for her?”
Ana watched as Ben moved to take her bags from Cole, and the two exchanged a look she couldn’t quite make out. For a split-second, Ben looked sad and scared while Cole looked…resigned? “Is something wrong?”
Ben turned and took off toward the patio door like he couldn’t get away fast enough, and Ana’s stomach dropped like a stone. “I know guilt when I see it. Did something happen while I was gone? Did you two do all of this…to make up for whatever it is you’re about to tell me?”
A huff rumbled out of Cole.
“You’ve got good instincts. Come sit down, Ana.”
She moved to the back of the loveseat and braced herself against it. “Cole, what happened? Just tell me.”
Cole ran a hand over his head before propping both on his lean hips as he stared at her.
“Ben snuck out last night. I’d fallen asleep on the couch and didn’t hear him climb out his window. Ana, I’m sorry. You left him in my care, and…I screwed up.”
Ana had sucked in a breath the moment Cole said Ben had snuck out, but then she forced herself to focus on the fact Ben was obviously home and safe. “Ben!”
She took a step toward the patio door.
“Ana, wait. There’s more,” Cole said. “And you’re not going to like it.”