Chapter 19
Cole stared at Ana and wished he could make the fear and pain and anger he saw flooding her gaze disappear.
He had only his experience helping to raise his younger siblings to use as comparison, but had they done what Ben had, well, he knew he’d be feeling the same rush of emotions.
But the reality was this might only be the beginning of what the future had in store if Ben changed his mind and continued to pursue his interest in his biological father despite what happened at the restaurant. Ana needed to know what she’d face. “Come sit down,” he said again. “Hear me out before you talk to Ben.”
Dragging out the events of the weekend wouldn’t help, so Cole took a breath and blurted out how Brooks had spotted Ben, called him because Ben refused to come home, and he’d gone to get her son.
“I can’t believe he’d pull that kind of thing on you. Why didn’t you call me?”
Cole grimaced. “I would have, but it took a while to sort through things. I had him, and he was safe. I didn’t want to ruin your weekend away.”
Ana’s hand trembled visibly as she pressed two fingers to her temple and rubbed.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with Ben acting out again. I can tell you’re upset, but— This isn’t your fault, Cole. I should’ve known better than to leave him. You’re not responsible for Ben sneaking out. He could have easily done the same with me home with him.”
Cole canted his head to the side, her concern for him tugging at his heartstrings when she had so much yet to hear. “That’s not all, Ana.”
He tugged her around the loveseat to the front, shifting his hold until he gently urged her to sit down.
Once she complied, he sat beside her, their knees touching. “Ben didn’t sneak out to meet his friends. He was halfway to a restaurant in Wrightsville Beach on his bicycle.”
Her eyes widened. “His bicycle? What on earth? In the dark? He could’ve been killed. What was he thinking?”
“He was going to see his father.”
Ana sucked in a breath, her eyes widening in surprise and horror.
Cole hated the flash of unbearable pain and heartbreak he saw next.
“What do you mean going to see— What?”
“Ana, Ben snuck out because he wanted to see his father. He didn’t want to hurt you, and he knew you’d be upset. He didn’t even want to talk to the guy. He just desperately wanted to see him with his own eyes.”
Ana’s beautiful green gaze filled with tears, and she blinked rapidly, visibly trying to control her emotions. To take in the significance of Ben’s actions.
“But why? I don’t… I don’t know what to say.”
“I know. I’m sure you’re hurt and probably scared. Ben and I have talked a lot since last night, and I think it’s helped. He says he’s agreeable to counseling now. To talk about things. But more than anything, he’s afraid of how you’re going to react about what he did because he really doesn’t want you to be hurt by this.”
Ana stared up at Cole, her eyebrows pinched over her nose as she nodded and…tried to absorb the news.
“I’ve…brought up counseling before, but he was never willing. I-I’ll call tomorrow. But how does he even— How did he know? His father has never been a part of our lives, so I haven’t… I mean, Ben’s never asked his father’s name. How did he know?”
“Ben found one of your old journals in the garage a year or so ago. It had all the details.”
She flinched. “He read it?”
“Some of it, yeah. Enough, obviously,” Cole said, feeling the walls close in. “Look, Ana, I think the thing you need to focus on is that this opened the wall between you two. Yeah? And now more than ever Ben sees how much you’ve sacrificed to raise him. He knows how much you love him. He didn’t do this to hurt you.”
“Well, it does,” she said in a small, tight voice. “How can it not?”
“I know. I know it does, but this was about Ben needing answers and being foolhardy enough to seek them out like he did. You have to remember; he thought asking you would hurt you more. He didn’t want that. Sneaking out was his solution.”
Ana’s expression broke his heart. She stared into the flames, her gaze tormented.
“He never asked me. Never. I thought… I thought it meant he didn’t miss something he never had,” she said in a soft voice. “I actually believed that we could be our own family, that I could be enough for him, and he wouldn’t— He wouldn’t??—”
Her voice broke, her thoughts unfinished as her breath hitched and she pressed both hands to her face.
Cole watched as she collected herself, admiring her strength and resilience in the face of the curve ball Ben’s behavior had revealed.
“Thank you,” she whispered after a long pause. “Thank you for taking care of him and going after him and—caring.”
“You don’t need to thank me for that, Ana. Ben is a good kid. He’s an extension of you. I made it clear to Ben at the restaurant that no matter what happens between you and me, he’s family now. My brothers and I will keep an eye on him.”
“Oh, Cole, that’s— Wait, what? At the restaurant? You said Brooks saw him at the gas station. That you picked Ben up halfway to Wrightsville.”
Cole bit back a curse. “I did. Ben and I sat in the Jeep and talked and… Ben told me where he wanted to go.”
“And then you brought him home.”
Cole clenched his jaw so hard his teeth were in danger and forced himself to hold her stare, resolute.
“And then I took him to the restaurant and sat with him while he watched for his dad.”
Ana shot to her feet and paced away from Cole. He stood but waited where he was. Waited for the impact of the blast and the fallout he knew would come.
“How dare you.” Ana’s voice shook with the force of her anger. “Not only did you not call me and tell me that my son had snuck out, but you—you—decided to take him to meet the man who made clear he wanted nothing to do with him? You thought that was a good way to handle the situation?”
Cole settled his hands on his hips and nodded. “I did.”
“You are unbelievable! How could you do that? Why would you— Can you really not see that wasn’t your decision to make?”
“Ana, you didn’t see Ben. I had to make a judgment call because he was in rough shape. He needed to go. He needed to do that. I don’t know why, but he did.”
“No, he didn’t! You should’ve brought him home. You should’ve called me immediately!”
“Ana.”
“You need to leave.”
“Ana, come on. Don’t do this. Don’t use this as an excuse to push me away when we’re finally making headway.”
“Headway? You think you made headway this weekend?”
Cole moved until he stood toe to toe with her, glaring down at her upturned face. She was beautiful in her fury, passionate and fiery in her mama-bear element. Determined to set him straight and rip him a new one in the process.
She was everything he’d always known she would be. Protective and caring but now blindsided by pain and unable to see the truth right in front of her. “You’re scared of what’s happening between us. That we’ve reconnected and the chemistry is still there. Don’t deny it.”
“One has nothing to do with the other.”
“Doesn’t it? Ever since Jonesie opened his mouth, you’ve made excuses to back away from me. This is just another one.”
“You are not his parent, Cole! You had no right to make such a decision. No right to take Ben there. You not only rewarded his bad behavior, but you undermined my authority as his mother and only parent. If he wanted to do this, he should have come to me.”
“He knew he couldn’t, Ana. He knew you’d say no because you wouldn’t understand his need to do what he did,” Cole said, lifting his hands and reaching for her.
Ana backed up until she stood out of reach, shaking her head.
“You made a call that wasn’t yours to make,” she said. “Please leave. Now. I have to go talk to my son.”
“Ana. Don’t do this. We can work this out.”
“Leave, Cole. Leave Ben alone. Leave me alone. Just— Leave.”
* * *
Ana was still shaking when she stood outside Ben’s bedroom. He hadn’t turned on any lights, but through the open door she could see that the room glowed from the RGB lights behind his television. Those were an icy blue, reminding Ana of a glacier or iceberg as they faded in and out. But then maybe that’s just because she felt so cold having just locked Cole out of her house and her life.
But how could she not? Cole had done the unforgivable. He’d made a decision he had no right to make. Insinuated himself into their lives as a parental figure when he wasn’t.
She didn’t care that Cole thought he’d helped her son by driving him there. He hadn’t.
Cole had only caused more pain. For Ben and for her.
She knocked on Ben’s door but didn’t wait for a response. She pushed it the rest of the way open and moved toward the bed. “Ben, we need to talk. You…need to talk.”
Ben had his back to the door and lay on his side facing the wall. She thought she heard a sniffle, but when silence followed, she wasn’t sure.
Ana sat on the edge of his bed, and when Ben didn’t roll to face her, she went a step further and dropped to the surface, shifting so that her back was to his.
Exhaustion and pain pulled at every cell and muscle in her body, every emotion, and she reeled from the news that had broken her once she’d made it home.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
The whispered words were barely audible, and her very soul squeezed in response, the instant burn of tears forcing her to close her eyes to combat the flood.
She had to stay calm. She had to…somehow do damage control in a situation that never should’ve happened. “Tell me why.”
Ben cleared his throat and said, “I didn’t do it to hurt you. I had to go, though.”
“Why, Ben? I thought… I thought we were okay?”
“We are.”
“Obviously not. At Thanksgiving when we talked, I thought you understood why I didn’t discuss your father.”
“I did. I do, but I just— I don’t know. I still wanted to see him. Please don’t be mad at Cole.”
“I am mad at Cole.”
“He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But he did, Ben. He should never have taken you there. He should’ve called me. You should’ve called me. You…you should’ve talked to me about this.”
“Cole only took me because I begged him to. He didn’t want to. He said you’d be mad, but I told him I couldn’t…go with you. I couldn’t ask you, Mom. Cole understood that. He understood.”
Hurt pierced like a sword, and her heart shattered. Cole understood her son’s desire, but she didn’t—couldn’t.
She was his mother. She was the one who’d kept him when his father told her to abort, when her parents didn’t support her decision and urged her to put Ben up for adoption. She was the one who’d fed and bathed him, been covered in vomit and worse whenever Ben was sick. She’d stayed up and walked and rocked, sleep-deprived and sobbing as she’d cared for him the way a parent was supposed to. And maybe she’d only done what was expected of a mother, but it didn’t change the fact she was the one who’d been there. Not them, not anyone else. Her. “Make me understand.”
Maybe that was a tough request for a teenager, but once the words were said, they couldn’t be swallowed back. She wanted to understand, but she didn’t. She felt betrayed and hurt and— She just didn’t.
“I don’t know if I can explain why. I just wanted to see him. Be in the same space. But I knew it would hurt you, and I had to do it by myself.”
“Cole said you didn’t talk to…your father. That you didn’t even plan to. Why put yourself in danger getting there if you weren’t even going to??—”
“Did you know he has a wife and kids?”
Once again Ana grimaced, well able to imagine the pain Ben suffered seeing the man who didn’t want him or her with the family he obviously did want. “I…knew, yes. He, um, he was recently featured in a publication I get on local businesses, and it showed them.”
And even though they’d never been a couple fifteen years ago, it had still hurt to see that he’d accepted and claimed his other children but not Ben. It had torn her to shreds which was why she’d had to protect Ben from feeling the same way.
“I got to watch him. I saw how he was with them, the way he looked at them. I hope she leaves him. He was a total jerk to her and those little kids. It was late, and his little boy just wanted to be picked up, but he couldn’t be bothered. He was too busy sucking up to the crowd and singing karaoke. That was more important to him.”
The words painted a picture similar to the one Ana had drawn in the moments after informing Ben’s dad that she was pregnant. The man-child had left her no doubt whatsoever that he had no interest in her or his baby. Apparently not much had changed.
“I feel sorry for her. For them. I hope… I hope she can be the mom to them that you’ve been for me.”
“Ben… the journals…. That’s why you started acting out. Isn’t it? You found them and read them?”
Silence followed, broken only by a shuddering breath from Ben.
“I had to read it. Them. I couldn’t stop.”
She squeezed her eyes tight, remembering how she’d poured her pain into those pages. To know he’d read them… “I wish you would’ve talked to me. Told me. Ben… I wasn’t much older than you when I wrote all of that.” She should’ve burned them. She wasn’t even sure why she’d kept the journals except as motivation and proof of all she’d endured and survived. To read in those times when she wondered if she could go on and know she’d made it through that and could make it through anything.
Ben suddenly rolled and spooned her, wrapping his arm around her and hugging her from behind. She felt his forehead press into her scapula, and her heart stuttered with a mixture of pain and love and devastation.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice thick and thready. “I read about him and the Taylors. How much you—you regretted that night.”
Oh, baby. “Not you, Ben. I never regretted you.”
“I know. But I didn’t want to hurt you again. Not when I’d already hurt you throwing the phone at you. I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean for the phone to hit you like that. I’m sorry for that and all the crap I’ve said, too. I really am.”
She wrapped her arms over his and held tight.
“I don’t know why I had to see him, but I had to. And even though you’re mad, I’m not sorry Cole took me—but I am sorry it hurt you. I mean it.”
She squeezed his arm tighter and hugged him closer to her back, reveling in the scent of her baby boy like only a mother could. “Oh, Ben, I’m sorry, too.”