Chapter 28 #2
“He’s handsome.”
Dad’s face gets red as he works so hard to look away and pretend he’s not with us that I’m sure he’ll strain his neck.
“Dad.”
I see his jaw work as he grits his teeth.
“Dad, look at me, please.”
“What?” His head snaps back and he fixes me in a steely gaze. “What would you like me to say?”
The instinct to apologize is strong. To say sorry for not being what he wants me to be.
But I’m so sick of apologizing. I’m not the problem in this situation.
Why can everyone else accept me, but not him?
Elias, an entire team, and a whole fraternity who made me their vice president.
A bunch of guys who see me kiss my boyfriend and make kissy sounds and invite Elias everywhere automatically as my plus-one.
Why can those idiots understand and love me the way I am, but not my own father?
I let it go. Feel Elias’ hand squeezing mine and tune into the comfort it brings me.
“Nothing, Dad,” I say, feeling years of disappointment shuck off my shoulders. “I don’t need you to say anything.”
Mom hugs me again when we get outside before hugging Elias.
“Come back for a visit soon, both of you. The courts hardly ever get used when you’re not there.” She rubs Elias’ arm, pausing to give his bicep a not-so-subtle squeeze. “Maybe Elias could give me a few lessons.”
Dad shakes my hand like the scene in the restaurant never happened. “We’ll see you at graduation,” he says.
I square my shoulders and nod. “Fine, see you then.”
My hand is damp, but Elias keeps tight hold of it as we make our way back to the hotel.
“Are you okay, Spatz?”
I lean into him and close my eyes, allow his familiar smell and the warmth of his body to comfort me. “Mm. Yes, I am.”
“At least he didn’t kick up a fuss.”
I laugh, lifting my head. “I would have preferred it if he did, to be honest.”
Elias is quiet as we walk. I know he’s giving me space to talk. To be honest.
“Growing up with that silence,” I say finally.
“That … polite, stilted conversation, like I was little more than a stranger, it’s infuriating.
It makes you feel like you’re going mad sometimes.
You got it exactly right—it’s gaslighting.
My dad has a way of making you feel like you’re always being dramatic, even when you’re not.
I couldn’t have been calmer or less emotional. ”
“You have a right to be emotional.” Elias smiles down at me and I give his hand a squeeze. “Whether you’re coming out to your parents or talking about the weather.”
“Yeah, I know I do.”
I bump his shoulder with mine. “At least when you introduce me to your family, they’ll already expect me to be a guy.”
“My family already practically know you.”
“What?”
Elias laughs softly. “My sister’s obsessed with the idea of you being an American frat boy, and my brother keeps watching videos of our matches on YouTube.”
“Your sister’s going to be disappointed. You should bring Nate home, she’d be impressed by him.”
Something flickers across his face. He smothers it, but I already saw it.
“What’s wrong?”
He stops and faces me. “I know you had a crush on Nate.”
I freeze. “Who told you?”
“No one did. I guessed it the second I saw you looking at him at that sorority party.”
“Elias, I—”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I just want to know one thing.”
I nod.
“Do you still have feelings for him?”
I answer quickly and honestly. “No. I don’t. And to be honest, I think my feelings for Nate were always friendship-based. I think I liked the idea of having a boyfriend and Nate was someone I cared about deeply as a friend and the person closest to me at the time.”
“You don’t have to say that. I’ll understand if you had feelings for him before you met me. It’s not something I can be angry about. A little jealous, maybe.” He smiles.
“I know. I can’t say for certain either way, but I really do think if we ever got together, it would have been weird. You know like when Ross and Rachel kiss for the first time on Friends and keep laughing?”
“Don’t they end up together in the end?”
“Yeah, but personally, I think they had zero chemistry.”
“Don’t tell me you shipped her with Joey?”
“God no, that was practically incest!”
He laughs and tugs me closer, pulling me into a bear hug.
“Mmm,” I purr like a kitten, smiling to myself over Elias’ animal-based nicknames for me. “If I’m sparrow, you’re eagle.”
He laughs. “Eagle? That’s not a thing.”
“I don’t get it.” I raise my head, catching a view of him from below.
“You should call me whatever comes naturally to you.”
I groan. “You know I always call you baby, but it’s not as cute as your names for me.”
“Yes, it is. Because it’s what you call me.”
My phone buzzes when we get to the hotel.
Sleepover party in Nate’s room.
I snort.
“What?”
“Wanna take part in one last hurrah before graduation?”
Elias cocks an eyebrow. “What did you have in mind?”
“An immature sleepover with a load of overgrown frat boys?”
He laughs, shaking his head. “Sure, let’s do it.”